Kellygirl6's picture

Current spouse jealous of me talking to ex-spouse

Hello everyone, I am new to this forum and need some help. I have been married for 4 years in a second marriage. I had a very bad divorce to my first husband and we had one child together. During the divorce, we obviously hated one another, but now have come to a common ground and are nice to one another. My son is currently 14 year old and at the age where my ex and I have to talk more freguently than before and now my current husband is having a fit that we talk more than twice a week. But in my defence, my son has ADHD, Asthma, and is also going through adolesents, so this warrants several conversations to discuss my son and the day to day issues. What should I do about my current spouses jealousy over my conversatons with my ex? HELP

Jason's picture

Jealous ex-spouse

Wheeww!! Sounds stressful and frustrating. The only advice I could give is to take one day at a time and try to stay focused on your current marriage. I've been married to the same woman for 14 years, and we've had several ups/downs. I'm a stepfather to an adult 21yr old, and have been his dad figure since he was 5. It's been anything but a cakewalk. What I would propose you do, is explain objectively to your current husband that you are doing what's in your child's best interest and re-assure him that you really love him. Make your husband feel as though he's No. 1 in your life. This kind of situation could easily go awry if you're not sensitive enough to your current husband's needs. I've never been divorced, but I could see myself feeling a little uneasy about it, but if reassured by my wife, I'd feel better.

Anonymous's picture

jealous spouse

I can see where he is coming from. My BF's ex calls daily and sometimes more than once a day. For things that I don't believe are necessary..."L is 1/2 hour late coming home", on my BF's weekends he never calls biomom and tells her L is late. He deals with it himself. I think she can't talk and complain to her current live in boyfriend, so she just keeps calling ex. It drives me crazy too, most of the time I don't say anything, but occasionally when the phone keeps ringing..I finally say 'what did she want this time'. She calls constantly when he has them on weekends, most of the time he agrees that the calls aren't necessary! Sometimes I think she does it to irritate me..she knows I'm around most of the time. Cut the calls down, tell your ex to make a list and talk about a lot of issues at one time so there aren't as many calls. But I do agree...he sounds like he has double standards. that would never go over with me!

debi's picture

your comment made me feel a

your comment made me feel a lot better knowing I'm not the only one out there, the thing is ; he don't have children with his ex biologically. the children they share together are hers from another or should I say others. this is very hard for me i try to understand but it would be nice if he could see my point once in awhile.

Anne 8102's picture

Please don't take this the wrong way...

...but several times a week does seem a little frequent to me. My husband has three children with his ex-wife and two of them have ADHD, plus one suffers from weekly migraines and the other is moderately mentally retarded. They have all sorts of issues, too, but unless there's an emergency, I would think you could each make a running list of things you need to discuss through the week and then pick one day per week to address those issues. Also, what about email? Could you two communicate via email? That way, your husband, if he wanted to read them, would see that there's nothing there between you. I'm not suggesting that there is anything untoward in your behavior or that you have any lingering feelings for your ex, but if the calls could be consolidated to once a week or replaced by emails, then that would probably be a huge stress-reliever for your husband. It would be a small thing to do to make him feel better about the situation and showing him that you would do this for him should go a long ways towards showing him he has no reason to be jealous.

~ Anne ~

ღஐ anne|8102 ஐღ

Kellygirl6's picture

Thanks for the advice

Anne:

Your advice is helpful, but let me explain in more detail. My husband also has two children from a previous marriage. They are grown now, but when they were in the teen years, he wouldn't think twice about going to see them, out of town, and staying at their mother's house over night, and sleep on the couch. Of course I never was invited to so to the sleep overs, not that I would want to go, but never the less I never complained about him going and I completely trusted him to stay the night on his ex-wife's couch. I have even gone with him to see them and had to spend the day with his ex while he took the boys to play golf. Also to add, his ex would call here all the time and talk to him for 30 minutes at a time. I completely understood with no complaint. But now, they are moved out of their mother's house and his contact with the ex has terminated. Now, how is it that if I can be so comfortable with his situation, why can't he be with mine? Ya know, my ex and I have absolutely no feelings for each other other than being parents of our child. My current spouse has nothing to do with my son, so when I want to even brag on my son, it oonlky seems logical to call his bio dad. HELP

Anonymous's picture

Your current spouse doesn't have anything to do with your

son, yet stays the night over his ex's house? Ok, I don't want to be mean either, but I'm assuming your son lives there with you and your husband? I would never marry nor stay married to someone that ignored my child and didn't help raise my child.

The best advice I can give you is to get rid of this guy quick, and raise the bar in your selection of men, and most of all concentrate on your son.

Anonymous's picture

Hello Kellygirl

Troubling for you to be with someone in the first place that would refuse to have anything to do with your son. Not trying to be judgemental, I don't understand why a woman would stay with a man like that. (doesn't son live with you?) That would be the dealbreaker for me. So I can understand why you would be calling your x, but at the same time kellygirl I would tell hubby UNLESS he treats your son as his own its bye bye or you will be calling the only dad the poor kid has. Now if he was a dad also and treated him so I would put your guy first, because you don't want to mess up a good marriage. X's can equally call schools, dentists, doctors, and doesn't need you to relay those details. BUT your situation is difficult and I don't see a marriage as good if your husband ignores your son. I just wish I could be in your shoes for one day! He'd be Sh@$'in his pants after I was done with him!!!

septembers_child's picture

My take is different .....

Well, my take is different. Until my ex husband remarried he and I remained very close friends and family..When he would come to pick up our daughter for visitation (two states away) he always stayed the night at our house on the couch..As long as my current DH was home..Their were a few times that current DH was deployed (Army) and then of course ex husband would stay over night in a hotel..because that's just the appropriate and respectful thing to do. Wasn't and issue for me or my current husband.

Talking on the phone.. I see nothing wrong with talking on the phone a few times a week about your child at all..Just because you two are divorced and remarried doesn't mean that you have stopped co parenting your child and your current spouse has not right or position to attempt to dictate to you how often you can have contact with your ex spouse about the child that you share and co parent.. That doesn't end just because you divorce and remarry..and remarry to an insecure and jealous person..

Sounds to me like it's your current spouses issue..Not yours. And I would tell them exactly that. Being both a SM and A BM..I know first hand what my daughters SM did to my relationship with their father and their relationship with their father because she was jealous and insecure..She straight ruined it..The girls have nothing to do with their father and neither do I for the past 2 years..Our divorce did not destroy our family. His current wife destoryed our family..

Step parents who enter into a marriage with a person who is friends or gets along with their ex and try to dictate to their spouse how often they can talk to their ex aboout the kids and trys to ruin the friendship between the BIO parents is just the height of selfish. It is just wrong wrong wrong in my opinion.

If would tell him to grow up and that his insecurities and jealousies are his issues to fix, NOT YOURS...

Anonymous's picture

I'm sure it was also your ex

I agree that there has to be some communication between ex's concerning the children, pickups, etc. but you also have to understand his new wife understandably didn't want her husband talking to his ex every week. I can see both sides, but when he got married it may have been time to minimize that on both parts. As for the sm, she will be parenting the children and probably more then dh in their home. Personally I think that the sm's do more parenting then the dh's and maybe your daughters have resentments because dad remarried and resent her new role. I think a lot of it is boundaries, more so then jealousy and divorce is about cutting the ties and moving on. I see more successes when each co parents in their own home, and if thats what your dh has chosen then thats ok. You and your husband are the parents in your home, and sometimes it works best that way when all can't get along, or no longer want that relationship. It depends on the players involved but that is another aspect that can work and doesn't intrude on each others household.

brandy523's picture

Do you think it's wrong to

Do you think it's wrong to make your hubby stand up to ex who uses and abuses him for everything? She takes his daughter and her sister away if she wants him to do something and he doesn't do it. I believe he needs to grow a set and set boundaries. Even if in the short term things will be more difficult. The ex needs to know she has no control over what he does in his life now.
I just think there are circumstances where "dictating" things between your spouse and their ex are not only warrented but needed.This has nothing to do with jealousy or insecurities for me, it just makes me furious that she calls and says...you need to pay for P & M's softball....I need check now...Only thng is M is a child she cheated on him to have-not his child...why does he have to pay for her too? But she will take both girls away if he doesn't do it. I say make a stand. No more..

Anonymous's picture

Maybe he's uncomfortable

Maybe he's uncomfortable with your contact with your ex because he knows what went down when he stayed "on the couch" with HIS ex.

Sweatheart's picture

I agree with Anne

Seems like you need to make a list, as Anne suggested, and make a point to at least try to minimize the contact. You and your husband NEED to maintain a united front. If your husband disagrees with the amount of communication going on, than you need to try to fix it. There really is no reason to have to talk that often. make a plan and stick to it, for your marriage's sake. Make sure you keep an open communication with your husband about his feelings & make sure you are showing him with your actions that he is your priority.

starla's picture

help

My husband's x calls him when she knows he is at work. I saw the phone bill and they talked pretty often. It hurt me really bad. I confronted him about it and he said "I will talk to my x anytime I feel the need to and I don't need your good graces" this hurt me really bad. He said she is the mother of my child and I need to talk to her to see how my daughter is doing during the day at school, if she had a good day or a bad day" I said " You can ask your daughter how she did that day she is almost 13 years old. He said there will be times when I have to discuss things with her about our daughter" I said " Yes, I understand but there is no need to talk to her as much as you do. I can understand if there is an emergency or something like that but not almost everday" He again said that he will talk to her and whoever doesn't like it too bad" I have been married 5 months now and I am so insecure I can barely handle this. He does not make me feel secure by telling me the things he does. She (the x) Hates me and she has the daughter hating me. The daughter is finally starting to come around and treating me nicer. My husband let's her get away with murder because he said he is scared his daughter won't love him. The x will call and tell my husband what he did or did not do right when his daughter was with us. It is so sickening to see how he acts with her. He is like a child.I need help I cry all the time

melis070179's picture

Wow, no offense, but your

Wow, no offense, but your husband sounds like a jerk! I would put my foot down, tell him to limit his contact with the BM to once a week, unless there is an emergency, and he can talk to his daughter to find out information about her. He should go straight to his daughter considering her age. I would tell him he needs to put his current wife's feelings above his ex-wife's, or his current wife is going to turn into an ex-wife! Do you have an ex-husband? Would it bother him if you talked to him everyday? If so, start doing it!

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

anon girl's picture

Divorce him if he continues

Tell him she can call the home but only in an emergency, 13 is too old and he can talk to his daughter NOT the ex unless it is an emergency. Sorry but there is more going on here, and often men use the kids as an excuse to keep the relationship with the ex. He may be keeping her on the back burner for some reason, but if he refuses I would tell him you won't stay married, and will start dating since apparently he has someone on the side. Don't be insecure, be firm otherwise he'll continue to have a gf on the side.

SMITTY06's picture

Help

I have a similair situatiion!My husbands ex. would always call when i wasn't around!He has one child with her and me and him have two children together!See in the past he was always going to her about our problems he says he was just going threw alot,me and him were having alot of problems!I would find text messeges from her that I was not happy with!I had found out that he had asked her back!He of course denied It but I didn't believe him!I later found out it was true!So we split and are now together again,He says he's changed and doesn't have feelings for her!It's been seven months and I still can't get over It but I feel like us being together is best for the Children who are still very young Chloe 2yrs and Emma 9mo.!HELP!

Janice (at work)'s picture

Doing nothing wrong....

In MY defense also, raising children is hard. Raising children from divorced families is harder. Raising children in broken homes where there is no communication between both bio's is next to impossible.....

Please continue to keep the lines of communication with your ex open. As long as your reasons relate only to your child, you have every right to talk with your son's dad. 14 is a VERY VERY impressionable age. With open communication, you can only benefit from creating a united front. Children can be very munipulative. Your son could pull the 'ol "Well, mom says its okay" and your ex would never know unless you speak to him....

My second husband always got involved with my son from previous marriage. Therefore, since he knew I loved only him, he was always okay with talking with my son's Dad. Knowing it could only benefit my son, and loving him as much as he did, he accepted it with a lot of class and a huge amount of humility......

Now, if he didn't cheat on ME so often, we might still be together....LOL!

Hugs,
Janice

Maybe you could bring your current husband up to speed on all the talks regarding your son. Ask HIS advice, keep him informed and feeling important in all aspects. He may come around.....

Angel's picture

Another view

hi!Not to be mean or anything but I don't see all this spending the night at ex's ok at all and I agree the talking several times a week is not a neccessity and would bother me as well.Email is a great thiung and keeps down alot of arguments with my fiances ex,of course she is always wanting to argue and disagree on the tiniest of things.Calls and harrasses us etc...

happy's picture

Kellygirl6..

I can relate to your husbands feelings.. Totally.. I am that person.. Just the woman side of it.. My husband too got annoyed with how I told him I felt.. SHe used to call at least once a day.. ANd I would say to him why in the hell does she have to call so much.. Everyday.. C'mon I am not stupid as I have my own kids.. I only talk to my ex every other week on Thursday night about what time I am to drop off my kids to him.. Other then that we do not talk.. I feel this way, I wanted to be divorced so there are certain things that come with that.. I do not call him about problems we may run into at my house just because we are no longer together.. I do not need to call him when my kids get mouthy or do something horrible.. I take full responsibility when they are with me... Its my job.. My husband now his ex calls when the SD and her have a argument at her house in hopes that he will jump into his truck and run over there.. But its never worked and he finally listened to me and told her that she needs to deal with things at her house.. To me I think its very strange to call all the time. So I am just saying that you need to include him 100% because this will continuously be an issue... He needs to feel like he is more important then your ex.. You can reassure him that there is nothing there.. I know that if I was or had to talk to my ex everyother day or twice a week my husband would not like it but I do not have too and would not do it.. I kinda feel like I choose to be a single parent and on the day to day stuff I do not need him I can deal with things without him.. That was a choice I made when I said I want a divorce.. yes he will always be there father but I don't need him.. for anything..

Tell him when you talk and what about.. Let him be there at times if he is not.. Its just about making him feel included is all it is.. I know for me I just want to know.. The other thing is try to put yourself in his shoes.. How would you feel if the rolls were reversed?
Good luck, I am sure its not a picnic being where you are either.. So sorry for that.. Just trying to give you a little insight on where I sit.. Because its the same place he is sitting at times..

Happy

lovin-life's picture

Does he have a problem with

Does he have a problem with it becasue he's insecure, in some way?

In my case we know exactly where we each stand with our former partners.....and where we stand with each other......so we have no issues with how much or how little communication goes on.

Maybe a little re-assurance would help, especially if your relationship with your former partner has "warmed up" recently, compared to what it was. Smiling

Ps

I just skimmed through and read your second post...
I don't want to sound mean either...but...
What's up with the double standard? I mean, He can have a sleep-over with his X but has issues with you talking with your x twice a week. hhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmm

You guys need to get some equal footing here! Smiling

Take Care
Lovin-life Smiling

Janet's picture

I wouldn't

sabatoge my new marriage over an ex. Just my opinion but he's already let you know its a big problem so why do it. Discuss child issue's with your new husband. I see little reason to communicate with your ex, and I'm afraid your setting yourself up for failure. I can't blame your husband for being upset.

happy mom's picture

kellygirl6...

natural that your husband feels that way, i use to be that way too. i think you need to reassure him that your conversation is strictly about your son's issues and that's it. ask him if he would like to be informed as to what your conversation is all the time and if that helps him know what's going on. i think he just needs to be reassured that you love him and that you wouldn't leave him to get back to ex husband. i would also cut down the conversation if possible.

-happy mom

-happy mom

BIOMOM's picture

Whoa....

Communicating with an ex about a child is one thing....SLEEPING at the ex's house is OUT OF LINE!! I am only a biomom, no steps. However, I would be more than a little pi$$ed if my current husband SLEPT at his ex's house!!! Irate would be the word I would use to describe it...yeah....IRATE!!!! I would NEVER allow my ex to sleep over, even if he drove a million miles to get my son home! I have to tell you that my ex is a "social butterfly", and has a hard time finding his way home from the corner deli. I always feel sorry for his wife. If he came to drop off our son, he would chit-chat for hours had I not shipped him out the door!!!

And how can your husband be so judgemental of your communication with ex when you have had to endure much much more than talking.

I still say that speaking with your child's father is necessary in raising a well-adjusted child. Well, as well adjusted as he could be coming from our lifestyle's. I think the stepmom's and stepdad's would agree with me on this:

1) Be sure to consult your husband with current issues regarding your son. After all, he is a parental figure.

2) In speaking with ex, don't sneak around. It only makes it look worse and get your spouse concerned with your hiding the fact that your talking with ex.

3) Keep your conversations to the point, leaving no room for personal or intimate details unrelated to the child.... And by intimate I don't mean sex! LOL! I just mean that my son's stepmom said it drives her crazy when my ex and I are on the telephone and my ex laughs at something I say. It always makes her feel as though he's having a "good time" with me. It leaves her wondering if he thinks I'm the person he fell in love with. FYI.... I'm not that person! I am now and forever the bitch I turned into when he and I divorced. I don't want him back, nor does he want me. Being the ex I can tell you that I can see the obvious "dislike" he has for me today. Every time he looks at me, which is so rarely, the eyes say it all..... If anything, when face to face, there is an uncomfortability.

4) Make sure that your husband knows that his opinions, input and ideas are first and foremost the ones you consider.

5) While I do believe that communication among ALL of you would be ideal, that is not always possible. But in any case, speaking with an ex everyday is a bit excessive. Actually, its extremely excessive. I mean, no one could possibly have an issue everyday, can they? Unless we are talking an incurable illness of course. Other than that, once or twice a week is plenty. I can actually remember writing a list and leaving it by the telephone. That way if either of us made the call to the other, I had a rundown of things I needed to find out or ask him. No stammering, pausing, and very little time for chit chat between subjects. Bing, bang, boom. Get to the point(s) and sign out.

BTW, when ex and I divorced, internet was nothing but a glint in Bill Gate's four-eyes! LOL!

Hugs,
Janice

Christy Lee's picture

my husband and his ex wife

I have read a lot on here about the jealousy issues.The reasons for calls etc.I just wondered if anyone here went through what i have endured the last 4 years of my married life.
My husband was telling me the son of 14 was having issues at his mothers.She is Bipolar as well.She calls my husband on a daily basis and it's not always about the son issue.They are silly things.She uses his name in the sentence and it's really about him the whole while.Mostly this woman(mother) calls and dictates to my husband does and don't.Mostly the visitation is cancelled due to the sons will for his homework.So daddy will not be getting him on daddys weekend.The fact my husband agrees with her is beyond my comprehension.That is his son and he should be picking him up as the court ordered it and he can bring his homework with him.
The worst of this matter was when they decided to have dinner over conversation of sending their son to live in our home.I was at work when they did this one.Never knew it took place until one day it slipped out of his mouth.It took me months to ask him again and be honest with me,he lied again ,it never happened.I took the papers i found with his old divorce papers and handed it to him.Here,I know what you did so don't lie to me anymore.
It is this kind of thing I have listened to for 4 years now.Oh my husband does not like me calling him on anything because he has lied about the issue (other things he has done).
I can't understand why he'd want to lie and sneak around.This woman has called and interrupted our meals to ask her son what deodorant he wanted her to buy,she was at the store at the time.she was carrying on so goofy.I put my dinner plate in the sink and walked off.
I am at the point that i am laying out ground rule.Oh! the exchange never took place.i told my husband it is her or me.If he takes his son over the agreement they made without my involvement at all I will leave him.
The agreement was he was paying her child support and he will take the child.I will be raising the child teen myself because we both worked at the time.I was home in the mornings and it would be myself getting this child out of bed.They do think he is bipolar and he is adhd.Them doing this would have put this bipolar woman in my home.Yeah! she would keep custody too.This is putting me in a odd place.My position was she can shut up or give him up.She had such a problem with this child herself then she can't do the job.This child has never posed an issue here.I knew he had issues with getting himself out of bed in the morning.
I feel my husband has respect for the ex-wife and no concern or respect for me.They went and made all these plans and stood me out in the rain getting soaked.He is so ignorant to go along with her on it.It has absolutly made me lose all my feelings for him.
Sometimes I think he intentionally makes sure I am excluded of things.He tries to manipulate things. I have also wondered if he too was bipolar.I know he has bout of depression.
So.. what do ya do?I am tired of the x and her goofy ways.She has remained single for the last 12 years she has not remarried.She dates this guy now 3 years.She will not marry him she told her son because it doesn't feel right.Well she was going to marry him 2 1/2 years ago when she dated him 3 times,she went house hunting and all that took her son with her.By the way my husband never knew she was bipolar until she had the breakdown 2 years into the marriage.It was after the birth of the child.I am sure she stopped her meds while she was pregnant.
Help!Anyone have this kind of goofy life?

Laura23's picture

" He has a hard time finding

" He has a hard time finding his way home from the corner deli."
too funny...

Anonymous's picture

Kelly

Are you really willing to screw up a 2nd marriage because you feel you MUST talk to your ex. Your husband is seriously letting you know its causing problems, and believe me if you do not stop he will have long term resentments toward you. Or possibly start an affair. Cut the tie's, and yes discuss any issue's or problems with him. He's the one your going to spend your life with, hopefully.

lil_teapot's picture

That actuallyhelps me too :)

Thank you so much for saying that. As I read this post, I could see myself in it and its so nice to see someone actually gets exactly how I feel! Thank you thank you thank you!!!

BIOMOM's picture

How can anyone say NOT to talk to ex?

I am curious here. How do you raise a child and NOT speak to the other parent? I mean, really, think about it from your "other" side.
I try to, I hope you all know that..... I have remained open minded on the subject of steps vs bio's and have learned a great deal from every post in here.

However, while I do understand that stepmom's have a problem with their husband communicating with his ex (it's all over these boards), try to put yourself in your shoes. Yes, YOUR shoes. Let's say your husband's ex was completely banned from speaking with him. So there's no communication whatsoever? Then isn't bio mom the bitch because she doesn't let your stepchild(ren)'s father know anything about what is going on. You blame bio when the child is not doing well in school, yet without support from biodad, how can you complain. Bio is left to take care of all concerns, worries, complaints, joys and sorrows..... Cannot ask ex to share in anything regarding his child? Then it's her fault that the child is a "brat" or worse.

We can all take lessons from Dawn on this site. She and her husband communicate with bio. They have custody, yet ALWAYS find a way to communicate with bio....

Think about it.... It is not easy for me to call my son's dad, knowing that his stepmom does not care for me. But MY SON comes first. That includes ex's feelings or that of his wife. I'll be damned if I'll be blamed for everything your stepbrat does because I "DON'T TELL YOUR HUSBAND ANYTHING".....

So, I stand by original post. Communication between BOTH bios and all steps should be and remain open...always. It is for the child that we are all here, right?

Hugs,
Janice

Anonymous's picture

Its Easy

I've seen many people do it. They choose to raise the children with their new spouse for many reasons. (for the many problems/constant turmoil posted on this board) They let the ex raise them when their at their house. Actually its pretty simple and those that choose to do it that way realize they want to have a good marriage that will last. They also decide their not going to let their ex destroy their new life. I would rather raise my child with the husband I'm with as opposed to an ex, and many do just that.

BIOMOM's picture

Anonymous, what gives you the right to take away bio's rights?

I don't think that anyone should be able to "choose" someone else to raise a child that has two active biological parents that are interested in their children.....

When remarried, hopefully you "choose" someone who will aide in the raising of your child, of course. Because I remarry, it does not give me the right to hand over parental responsibilities to my spouse just because I don't want to deal with my ex. Regardless of how my new husband may welcome the idea, my son has a father. A father that loves him and wants to be part of his life.

So, my question is this: When you and your spouse decide to have a child, you do it with the intention (in most cases, anyway?) to raise that child together.

After a period of time, you divorce. Does that give you the right to erase the father out of his child's life because you remarried and have decided that your new spouse should raise your ex's child?Regardless of how the CHILD feels?

Because you don't want to ruin your new marriage? I mean, I think that most men that have remarried and have presented their children with stepmom's, understood that they were marrying someone willing to take on that child as part of their life. Who deems your NEW husband more qualified to raise your ex's child? YOU? How fair is that to the man who fathered this child? Unless your divorce is that bitter and the hate and revenge that you need to put on your ex far outweighs the best interest in the child, go for it.

The women here see first hand what their husbands go through. Not being a father 24/7 has hurt them deeply. The guilt they live with, and the parental skills they use because of that guilt.

And when a bio goes on the warpath, and she decides to punish the child's father, the ladies here constantly share how devestated their husband's are. And you are suggesting that if you remarry, you will take the consideration of your new husband over what is right for the child?

I would never suggest that anyone take an ex's side over their spouse's feeling. I think part of the problem is that the steps spouse does not go to bat enough for them.

I am suggesting that taking the parental rights away from a father just because you have decided you have married someone more qualified is just disgusting.....

JMO

Janice

PS: The women are here, not because they want to take the child(ren) AWAY from the bio, they are here to share their experience, strength and hope.

Of course, we do have circumstances where the steps HAVE taken on the full parental role, (bio is nuts, unfit, etc.). But those reasons are justified.....

BTW, if you don't mind me asking you, what is your age and status?