Does biology matter?
After talking with DH about my stress levels and hearing out some of your concerns about my desire to have a baby with DH, I got to wondering, is being a SM harder than being a BM? Please weight in.
Also I do need to apologize for some of the things that I said about DH while in my stress induced rage. 
as he pointed out to me he does not just sit and watch TV ALL night when sKids are here. He does give them baths and help with home work when he get home from work in time. While they do tend to come to me first with demands DH does help out when he is made aware of things. He seems open to helping me out now that I have said something.
We still want a baby. But I do wonder about my own parenting skills. This week I refused to wash the clothes that skids left on their bedroom floor or make their beds and DH asked me if I was going to do that to our child. I paused to think about it - is it really different when it's your own child? I said yes when they are 5 ( which his youngest will be 6 soon). Do I expect too much?
It seems like all the drama with BM has made me a little bitter toward skids and how they act, because they act like her! Lol. And though there are moments of happiness there tend to be more moments of rage and annoying behavior. But I feel bad because I know DH loves them and wants them around. I would give them to BM in a heart beat. Does that make me a bad person?
I was just wondering.
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Comments
Yes. Being a SM is more
Yes. Being a SM is more challenging than being a BM. As a BM, you adore your children and think highly of them. You understand them and want the best for them. They, in return, have a respect and bond with you that is like no other thing in the world. Their eyes light up when they see you and vice versa.
Though you can have similar feelings with a step, they will pale in comparison to that of your own child. Plus, with a stepchild, there are often many additional underliying issues: jealousy, loss of control, insecurities, instability, anger, wanting the parents to get back together, hostility and more than anything else, you will never be the mom.
But I should also clarify
But I should also clarify that I don't think it's biology that matters. One could love and have the same wonderful relationship with an adopted child as they do with their own.
I think one of the issues with the relationship with the step is that you are in fact replacing someone that they do not wish to be replaced.
it is a completely different
it is a completely different ball game. There are MANY things you do for your own kids that are hard to do for someone who treats you badly or whom you cannot discipline.
My theory on toys is that if
My theory on toys is that if they are old enough to drag them out on their own then They are old enough to put them back! The laundry thing bothered me because I only ask them to put them in the baker int her closet. Most of the cloth make it there with no problem. And I no longer clean up their room but once and awhile I dust and wipe everything off. If they can live with the mess I can live with the door closed :).
I clean my sons room but do
I clean my sons room but do NOT clean my SSs room. YES, biology makes a difference. What YOUR kid does will rarely annoy you, your love for him/her is unconditional. Since you have no biological ties that bind you to a Skid, the things they do more than likely WILL annoy you.
I love my Skids, however I do NOT love them unconditionally.
I treat them kindly, I discipline them if I have to, I set rules and boundaries. It doesn't make you a bad person. Most of us would dump the kids to the BM if we could.
It's funny that you say my
It's funny that you say my love for skids has conditions. It totally does and I think I told DH that once. There are times that I do love them and I care about them but I can't compete with BM. She and DH are the ones with the power to make choices/decisions for them. So it not worth me stressing over because I would have made a different choice.
When it comes to skids I am just along for the ride. But with my future kid(s) I will be in the driver seat with DH.
I am not a mother so I
I am not a mother so I probably shouldn't be answering.
But here's my take - I LOVE LOVE LOVE my dog. Even when he's bad. Other dogs - meh. I can take or leave them. I don't want to have to pick up other dogs' poop.
I have cats, DH likes to pick
I have cats, DH likes to pick on my cats and I asked him how he would feel if I treat SKids like that. I feed and clean the litter box no problem. I have both my cats trained to go on the tile if they are going to get sick so it easier to clean - it amazes DH but sKids still throw up where they stand.
I will lay on our bed with my cats but if Skids try to get in bed with us I flip out.
Oh the best part was when ss7
Oh the best part was when ss7 told me that he couldn't make his bed because it was a bunk bed. I told him that if I can get up there and make it then he can too!
Yes - being a step-mom is a
Yes - being a step-mom is a ZILLION times harder than being a bio-mom. Please don't base your decision to have your own kids on the way you feel about your step-kids. I can assure you, you will absolutely love your own child without question. And when they do annoying stuff, for some reason it's nowhere near annoying as when someone else's kids do it.
Being a mother is a joy, and
Being a mother is a joy, and blessing. Being a SM is neither.
Yes, yes, a thousand times
Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. Being a BM is SO much easier, I should have done it first.
DH rarely second guesses my decisions when it comes to our two BDs, and I am significantly harder on them than I ever was on SD. First of all, because I can be and nobody gets in my business and tells me I'm "mean." Second of all, I want them to grow up to be better than SD. Third of all, I have expectations that I do not believe are unreasonable. My kids will have to learn to live with those.
For the record, I may "help" my two BDs clean their bedroom(s) maybe twice a year? And my youngest BD is 6. I also tell them I can't/won't wash laundry if it is not in the hamper where it belongs. That is not mean, it is reasonable.
I have way higher
I have way higher expectations for my biokids than anyone has for the SKs. And my kids are painfully aware of that fact. But over time, they have become more and more thankful that I *do* have higher expectations because they see themselves as more motivated and capable of doing for themselves than they see their stepsibs.
I think the things that make it more difficult to be a SM than a BM is (at least in my case) there was the initial thought that I should open my heart, my home, and my WALLET but keep my damned mouth shut. Consider the SK's as I do my own, but have absolutely no authority over them when in this house because after all, they shouldn't come over here and be expected to 1) put their dirty dishes in the dishwasher, 2) keep their rooms clean, 3) be civil to others. But because MY kids lived here full-time, DH certainly expected those things of MY kids, plus a whole lot more.
I wouldn't even find being a SM stressful if the SK's would behave even marginally decent towards me and my kids. But as late-teens (and they've been this way from day 1 over 9 years ago) they have proceeded thru life ignoring me, playing havoc with my kids and trying to force my DH to choose. This in spite of the fact that I had that warm fuzzy talk with them about not trying to replace their mom, I'm just the person marrying their dad, think of me as another adult who cares for you and wants you to succeed in life, blah blah blah. I may as well have been talking to a couple of mud pies.
I tried to explain this to DH
I tried to explain this to DH once, I feel my future kids having been with me since birth will have a better understand of what upsets me and what I allow/our rules, while sKids struggle with it because I am nothing like BM and they just think that is how I should act, not realizing that we are two very different people.
Wow! That is exactly how I
Wow! That is exactly how I "feel". I know logically, that my home, my parenting, my structure, etc is the absolute best thing for SS13, but my "feelings" are completely different and I am shocked by them sometimes.
I hate that I pay $1000 per month for him to attend private school so that he can get on track - both academically and in regards to discipline and respect. Meanwhile BM works 5 hours a week and can't afford any child support.
I hate to spend my money on his school clothes, supplies, activities, sports, etc. - Esp when BM refuses to pay a dime towards anything and doesn't even take him to his events, fundraisers, sports, etc.
I hate that I can't pay MY bills on time or buy things I want for MY children because so much is coming out of my pocket for SS.
I hate that my two boys share a room, while he has his own room filled with a flat screen tv, video game consoles, a new bed and on and on - so that the poor dear will feel accepted in the home I PURCHASED for our family.
I feel awful for having these feelings towards him, but can't help it.
Again, logically, I want what's best for him. Emotionally, I want to bite his little head off and drop him back off at his dead beat mom's house and let HER raise him!
Ahh well said!!!! The
Ahh well said!!!! The closer I get to being ready to have my own children with DH the more I feel this way. We don't have any together yet, but I still totally feel the angry and resentment over resources. Sometimes I am not sure why I am so angry, but I am. I've never been an angry or selfish person either. Skids' take my energy and life force, I serious feel like they suck my life at times. Both physical and emotional resources. If we didn't have them to care for Dh's money would go towards us/ me and our enjoyment (trips, nicer house, etc). It's totally a biological thing, step-parenting is just not natural.
^^^Same here. I am not a
^^^Same here. I am not a stepmom to SD14. I'm simply her father's wife.
Someone on here once said,
Someone on here once said, "Raising your own kids is a labor of love. Raising someone else's kids is work." Thankless work. And, I don't think we experience the joys as intensely either. Depending upon your circumstances, we're often stuck with the results of poor parenting without being able to influence the decisions. It's like being on a train that wrecking and you're not the conductor. I'm convinced that if being a bio parent was as hard as being a stepparent, our species would end.
I can relate - last week the
I can relate - last week the skids were here DH got so excited because SS7 took a shower and actually put his face in the water. yeah I don't get what the big deal was and DH seemed disappointed at my lack of excitement. Sorry DH I was not impressed.