How do you get on the same page?
I have a hard time when it comes to SS and discipline. SO and I are on completely different pages on almost everything. I told SS it was time to sit down with me and do homework so that he could play the rest of the night before bed. SO then tells him he doesn't have to do it now, just sometime before bed. SS was already putting up a fight over HW and I believe in getting it done before he plays so that there is no getting out of it or using it as a way to stay up late. He can play when he completes his HW (which only took 5 minutes mind you). I feel that meals should always trump treats and snacks. SS finishes eating dinner saying he is full and he doesn't want anymore, then turns around two minutes later and asks for a treat. I tell him that if he is still hungry he can eat more dinner and that we will have a treat a little later. I don't want him to think he can just eat minimum real food and then fill up on snacks. This morning we gave him Breakfast and he ate pretty well but before I could even clear his plate, he was asking SO for a piece of candy. SO says "yeah, I guess you ate ok." IMO if he is still hungry he should have more BFast. Bed time rolls around which is 9pm. I think he should already have his teeth brushed, pjs on, and already started to settle down. I also believe he should be sleeping in pjs. SO is very wishy washy about bed time. he feels if he hasn't seen him in a day or two or if he is being good that he can stay up late. SS loves to play angry birds on our phones and watch cartoons on netflix on our phones. SO puts him in bed no earlier than 9 and then gives him his phone to watch spongebob on. He tells him he can watch 1 episode... which is 30 minutes but then if he is still being quiet he says ok 1 more. AHHH I am highly against him watching tv or playing games in bed. DD will never be able to do that. Then once he finally takes the phone away, it is already 10 at the earliest, he is wound up from watching tv, wants to talk, and he gets to bed a lot of times around midnight. Then he wakes up in the morning crabbier than ever cause he only got 6 hours of sleep. I feel he should earn his video games and that he should only get so much time on them a week. I told him after last nights battle to go to bed that he gets no more video games or netflix until he can SHOW me that he can go to bed like a big boy. I feel that I don't have the final say in it though because I am not his mom. He came over around 2 yesterday and we didn't let him play any video games. All night all he did was wine about how he hasn't gotten to play any video games today and how he has to and how it isn't fair. That right there makes me want to tell him that he isn't getting them the rest of the week but I know if I do it will be an empty threat because dad will cave in. What do I do? Am I too strict? too involved? I am at a loss and feel that I am not the one in the place to tell him these things but it is how I feel, and how I am raising my DD. SO says he wants them both raised the same and that it isn't fair to either of them if we treat them differently but I will NOT let my DD get away with this stuff... Suggestions please!!!
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Is the SS in your home all
Is the SS in your home all the time, or just weekends? Is SO your DD's parent? How old are the children? We need a bit more detail to advise you better.
SS is with us 6 out of 7 days
SS is with us 6 out of 7 days a week. he usually goes to BMs on saturdays and comes back sunday. SO is DD dad. SS is 5 and DD is 5 months
I saw your other post about
I saw your other post about SS being a great big brother. That tells me that he is a happy loving child. Is he in kindergarten? And he has homework? Well, he will have a LOT more homework later on in school, and good habits learned early don't have to be broken like bad ones do. You are on the right page. The big red flag here is that your SO is undermining you. If he wants you to impose discipline, then he CAN'T pull the rug out from under you by overruling your decisions. As for bedtime, any pediatrician would tell your SO that his method will only cause problems for his child later. Kids need a lot of sleep. Video screens are not necessary for a 5 year old. Better if he NEVER has access. His whining about not getting to play is a sign of habituation. Video game addiction is real, and can cause a lot of trouble for that child in a very few years.
Your best opportunity to change this dynamic is to do it right now. Let your SO make ALL the decisions for his child, and parent him however he wants, as long as your input is ignored. If there is homework, then SO does it with SS when he wants. If SS wants a snack, say "Ask your father". If SS wants to stay up all night playing video games, then SO needs to be the one getting him up in the morning, not you. In every way that you feel undermined, just send SS to his father to have it handled. And be sure to tell your SO what is going on. Be calm, be kind, but be clear. I remember a long time ago, I saw a Dr. Phil episode (before he got so far off into the weeds) and he told someone "The most difficult thing for a human being is to be held accountable for things you do not control". So if you have no control, you will have to distance yourself so you are not held accountable for the outcome of his parenting decisions.
You may be able to turn this to a better direction. At the very least, if the two of you disagree, then you SO needs to discuss it with you IN PRIVATE, never in front of the child. As soon as SS knows he can overrule you by going to his father, you will be toast.
I think you have very
I think you have very reasonable requests and concerns as a parent. But if you make it a stuggle between your way and his you will lose, it's his child in the end. It seems like you will have to compromise. Maybe sit him down and explain that if he wants both kids parented the same that some things need to change because you are not liking the way things are going now. Find the things you can't give up and find a way to find the middle ground.
I can't believe the people who keep a 5, 6, 7 year old child up until 10, 11 and later at night. My kids had an 8:00 bedtime until probably 10 years old. Kids need thier sleep. Parents need some time to unwind and do adult things.
Maybe tell him that an earlier bedtime is one of your points you are unable to change. Ask him to make sure SS is in bed, ready to sleep at 10. And in return you quick worrying about the games and tv that leads up to it. While I agree with your logic, it's maybe worth it to ease up there if the end result is a kid to bed on time.
Maybe on the homework agree with DH that as long as hw doesn't become a conflict or stalling tactic that anytime it gets done is ok. BUT, the agreed disipline when it does become a problem is that it gets done your way for a week, or a day or however long you agree to.
I think men just generally tend to parent very lax. They like to be the fun guy. THey aren't concerned with life skills or teaching proper habits. They just don't always see that stuff. In an intact family that sometimes works, but in a blended family it makes things very very hard.
Something I forgot to add...
Something I forgot to add... Pj's or no? SO doesn't mind if SS wants to sleep in his underwear. I feel that I bought PJ's for you to wear. My other problem with it is that we have my 10 year old niece over a lot. She is not comfortable with seeing him in his underwear and I respect that. He has no modesty at all... he will go around naked wherever he feels like. He announces his farts, and he has no problem mooning people or talking about his poop. It drives me nuts. I know my niece is a little over board but she doesn't like to play with him anymore because of his manners and the fact that she is modest and he isn't. Is it a big deal? should I enforce pjs or just let it go?
Maybe SS has to stay out of
Maybe SS has to stay out of sight unless he is clothed, and can't come out of his room to play with the niece unless he is wearing his pjs. This is another area where SO needs to step up and recognize that there are other people who have to interact with his son, and may not like his rude behavior.
Your SS eats candy after
Your SS eats candy after breakfast? Wow. Does he drink soda with breakfast too?
The things these guilty daddy's let their kids get away with is astonishing.
Usually SO says no to the
Usually SO says no to the candy. At least for an hour or so... BM gave him his own cupboard that he has access to 24/7 with all of the snacks and candy he wants though, so i am starting to think that he expects it because of her. Don't get me wrong, SO caves in a lot, but with the candy he usually makes him wait till 10 or 11... Still not late enough in my opinion... My theory is only healthy snacks like fruits, veggies, and yogurt before lunch... If he eats bfast and lunch will, then he can have a little candy.