I am so nervous and irritated- $$
Background: FDH has 4 kids and I have one who is grown. FDH pays an enormous amount in alimony and CS monthly. Before I met him a couple years ago, he was laid off and then underemployed then laid off again. He had just started his new good job when I met him. Due to the issues at the time, he is now paying significant back CS in addition to his already huge amount. He is BROKE. If we do something fun, I pay for it. Dinners, entertainment, etc... and I end up paying for way more than I should in the household. Basically, I am getting the brunt of this situation.
One of the SKs went off to college late last summer but he is still paying CS for that kid. He finally got off his ass and requested a court date to end that. That date is coming up later this week (six months later). When he told BM that he was doing this, she freaked and complained about all sorts of things and during that rant she made it clear she was going after him for more stuff. Being an idiot, she basically spelled out exactly what he needs to document that he’s already paid (medical stuff, etc…) So last week, I reminded him of exactly what he needs to document for court so that he doesn’t get killed in there over stuff he’s already paid. We can’t take another hit and I am done being the only person to fund anything for this home, entertainment, etc... And an engagement ring would be nice buddy. We need to lessen our burden, not increase it so he REALLY needs to be prepared for court.
And he hasn’t done a single thing. He spent last week and the weekend working on tax returns. He wants the refund to get rid of the few months left of back CS. Fine but there is a court date around the corner and he’s not prepared. He has no lawyer and no proof of what he’s paying for in addition to the huge CS/alimony.
And on top of it, BM’s been doing a lot of extra pity-partying over the last couple weeks to make him feel sorry for her right before court. Even asked for more alimony—seriously. FDH, of course, doesn’t see that. But I think she’s softening him to the point where he feels guilty for asking for some of his own income back for a child that isn’t in her home. I am terrified he’s about to get his ass handed to him in court and I will be screwed. What then? Move out when the lease is up? I love him dearly and want this to work. But I can’t take any more of every dime, including mine indirectly, going to her. If he's doing something about it, that's one thing. But I don't know if he is. It would be nice to see him do SOMETHING to reassure me that he’s on top of it and will look out for me in this too.
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That sounds so frustrating
That sounds so frustrating and maddening, I'm sorry. He IS going to screw up with no lawyer or prep work though.
My main reaction to this story though is WHY ON EARTH are you so heavily footing the bill for him and the household and you aren't even ENGAGED? OMG, just :jawdrop: Yes, moving out when the lease is up sounds good.
Sorry, didn't mean to sound
Sorry, didn't mean to sound harsh. I just don't want you to get taken advantage of....
It didn't sound harsh. No
It didn't sound harsh. No worries. We are not engaged because we can't afford to do it right now based on all this craziness. But to your point, in retrospect, I would've done things differently. No ring, no move in. Period.
Amen. I don't mind helping
Amen. I don't mind helping some. But I do mind BM getting the benefit of my career. As I posted downthread, I am going to hold the purse strings tight until he realizes the only plan is to stand up for himself and me.
Help him get his stuff
Help him get his stuff together for court. In the long run it will benefit you!
My BF also pays a ridiculous
My BF also pays a ridiculous amount of CS every month for ONE KID to his whoring XW. I hate it with a passion! I get that you need to support your kid but with what my BF pays he is pretty much supporting her whole damn household IMHO and of course this bitch gets new vehicles every 1-2 years hair, nails, etc all while my BF lives pretty much like a pauper.
I seriously feel bad for the majority of decent men paying CS these days because it seems to be the concensus that they are getting fucked left and right with the CS they have to pay to BM. My BF works hard for his money, and he makes a great living but once you look at his check AFTER the CS is deducted you'd think he was working at McDonalds!!! It is so damn unfair and a total injustice that these men can't and don't barely make it by because they are bogged down with enormous CS pmts that they can't even live, let alone start a new life with someone else! I don't even know when my BF and I would ever be able to have our own home because he has to pay so much. It makes me VERY bitter, resentful, hateful, and upset that OUR life has to take a backseat to his X and kid for at LEAST another 7 years!!! My BF is 40, so he will be almost 50 if CS ends at 18 and then what? Who the fuck wants to start a mortgage at almost 50 if you don't have to???!!! I hate that my/our life has to suffer because they exist!!!
Thank you to our grand Justice system who thinks it is FAIR AND REASONABLE for a man to have to pay up to 33% of his GROSS income!!!! FUCK YOU!!!!!
^^^Oh do I hear ya and feel
^^^Oh do I hear ya and feel for you! And in Colorado, the age is 19, so we're stuck with SD14 for another five fucking years. And she's so PAS'd that she doesn't want to come over and refuses to answer DH's calls/texts. AND her mother is now taking DH back to court for an INCREASE of child support due to the fact that spoiled rotten SD wants to stay with her full time.
AND we have to put our entire lives on hold for another five fucking years for a selfish, spoiled rotten little twit that won't even call her own dad? All so BM can work part time at a damn store and allow the brat to get away with whatever she wants.
Bitter? Fuck yes. Pissed? You bet. Over it? If Dh and I didn't have a damn near perfect relationship, I never would've signed up for this level of stress and bullshit.
33%? How about 60% plus
33%? How about 60% plus extras?
^^^Thank GOD SD's grades and
^^^Thank GOD SD's grades and lack of intelligence will prevent us from having to support her mother's ass while she goes to college, because she won't be going!
I can see where you are
I can see where you are coming from reading what I wrote. But there is some back story. He has a long, great career and the set-backs came from the major recession/layoffs. He's worked for the same place, great job, for the entire time I've known him. He's still recovering.
He's been recently talking a lot about engagement, wedding etc... And the incongruous part is that if he doesn't fix this situation within his power, then he is full of it. I truly believe BM has conditioned him to make him feel responsible for EVERYTHING financial in that family and she takes none of that on herself. His attitude has changed but he falls for her BS sometimes and I am concerned he's falling for it again.
My stress right now is all about wondering if he's really going to stand up, ignore her pity-party and do what's right by protecting himself in court.
AS I was about to hit Save, I just got an email saying he's working on it. I wish I felt more confident that he really is. He's improved a lot of things over time but when it comes to taking money away from that household, he certainly turns into Guilty Dad.
If I wasn't married in this
If I wasn't married in this situation, I would run...He is doing nothing proactive to help himself, why should you keep doing so.
So he's supporting his kids
So he's supporting his kids and you are supporting him.
IF he gets his act together for court, it will because you forced him to, not because he wanted to.
The fact that you have to force him to do the right thing speaks volumes.
Ok
Even though I am
Even though I am foaming-at-the-mouth angry right now, I have to make sure I am being fair. We have a joint account (insisted upon by me) that has Direct Deposit. A portion of each of our checks goes to the account and everthing is auto-paid (rent, electric, TV, etc...) We have individual accounts to pay our own car payments, cc bills, stuff we want to do for ourselves/kids/etc.... We each make the same amount of money but his is cut by more than half right now, which is what court is supposed to correct. The supporting him comes in when I am paying for more groceries than I should, helping out around holidays and birthdays, decorating OUR house myself, paying for 90% entertainment. No money left for vacations, etc..
I am angry because he knows she's going to go after him for MORE at court when his goal is to decrease it yet he's procrastinating on his very much needed documentation. On some level, I think he's terrified to take one dime from her or say no to her requests for more. If he doesn't step-up now, there are major issues going forward as there are three more kids behind this one. The next one will be eligible to "come off the payroll" in a year. If he can't do this now, I am envisioning a future of him basically paying alimony and CS for her and 4 kids plus whatever else she demands until he dies. And that is not going to be OK with me. I'll leave.
I just lost it in an email
I just lost it in an email exchange about this with him. My words "From now on, don’t tell me about your finances and kid problems. You just vomit this mess all over me and get me worried then I am stuck sitting here like a fool with no input while you and BM continue your marriage. This is BS."
I am officially paying for nothing other than my part of the rent, bills, and food. Not one dime of mine is going towards his entertainment, dinners out, etc... No, I won't pick up special coffee creamer from the store for your teenagers. No, I won't float the Christmas/BD gift and you "pay me back". Nope, I'm done. The only way he's going to really get this is to suffer his own consquences.
And I seriously mean it about him telling me his problems until he learns how to act. He comes to me and wantsa ton of support and lots of advice (yes, he's always asking for advice) but then goes off and has his weird relationship with his Ex of many years. I am not his freaking counselor. Why do I have to hear all this crap day in and day out when he won't even bother to follow-up and tell me the resolution half the time. When he learns that he is responsible to be a good dad to the kids and to take care of ME and not HER, we can reevaluate. When he learns boundaries with her, we can talk. Until them, I don't want to hear his problems because he's not solving them or even giving me the courtesy of a follow-up to discussion to tell me what came of it all. Total crap.
I am very glad he's visiting SKs at BM's house tonight. I have the evening to myself and that is very much needed right now. I am pissed.
I do mean it and hope I can
I do mean it and hope I can stick to it. You are right about the pressure. It will be unspoken but it will be there.
The kids come here every Thursday and EOW. Tuesday night is an extra visit to them. I used to have issues with that but now I realize it's one of the few ways he can get any extra time with them and he misses them immensely if he doesn't get it. They live an 30 minutes north of us and he works an hour south of us. So, having them here an extra school night doesn't work due to crazy mornings. And honestly, I am happy to have the evening with no kids here. So, it does sort of work for us mostly. The problem I DO have with this is that BM will sometimes "revoke" his Tues visitation when she's mad at him. (It's not in the CO, it is extra). And then she reinstates it when she needs his help with school work etc... We've hashed this one out and I think I am actually OK with it for now. But she's about to move in with her BF and his two boys soon that's gonna be a whole 'nother crap fest. But the bottom line is that there is no way that man will allow him to hang out at his house on Tuesdays when that happens. I've already told him that if he wants to visit have them here at that point an extra night, then we can do F-M morning EOW if he makes some sort of agreement related to CS for the extra time/meals/etc that are occuring here.
Wow. I am exhausted.
Thank you for the moral support and great advice. I do appreciate it.
PS. You think the Tues thing is bad? It didn't take me long in dating him to realize that he was spedning both Tues and Thurs nights on her couch when we first met. And Christmas mornings always with her. And Thanksgiving depends on what she wants to do... I've cleared all that up, one issue at a time.
So this little Tuesday leftover is really honestly no big deal.
And I bet he stops walking
And I bet he stops walking through her front door, "helping the kids" by finding stuff in their rooms/her kitchen/etc, him fixing her computer, and basically treating her house like his own to some extent. (Again, it's gotten better than it was) He's going to turn into a proper driveway drop-off dad!!
BTW- When we moved in together and BM and I were still on friendly terms before I put limits on her texting at all hours, her dog coming for weekend visits, etc..., she walked STRAIGHT through my front door a few times. No knocking. When I discussed this he said "Well, I walk in her house" My response? "Well, that's inappropriate. But you just wait until she's living with a man. NO ONE wants the ex treating their home that way".
Man, is this one long lesson in boundaries. (For all involved in step world, I should add)