New to this.. But I am in desperate need.. My marriage is at risk
Help...... I am recently married not even as year, my husband has been married before to a woman who lives in the same town.... My marriage and live has been miserable. I am not from this town and do not know anyone... So all i have is my biological daughter who is 2 and my husband and his son. My ss is 5 and we have joint custody of him. We get every every other week. We also pay child support although we have him the same amount of time...Nashe claims 0 income but breeds dogs and sales the, for 2000-2500 a piece. So she makes way more than we do in a year because of her puppy mill. For starters I am aggravated because we pay her child support and are paying the debt off of her half of the credit card bills they racked up in 2 years. She drives a hummer and Pacifica, receives food stamps, and medical cards.... And we pay her to be a stay at home mom, which she likes to throw up in my face. The 1st wife only contacts me about her son, I stopped her contacting my husband because she would call him five times a day and it never was in regards to their son. My ss has been recently diagnosed with dd, he also as behavioral problems in school. As we met with the principals they confirmed my suspicions. As an educator myself i knew it was lack of parenting in the home. So naturally I am weary about having a child with my husband BC he wasn't and isn't a very active parent the first time. Both my husband and his 1st wife had said their son was a mistake and they hated each other and only married BC she became pregnant from a one night stand. My husband constantly bugs me about having another baby but I am afraid too. I have. Little girl already who we have all the time, and then with my ss every other week who is attention starved it would be too much for me to handle with working. His first wife is recently remarried and reminds us how she is trying to conceive every chance she gets... My husband also gets very defensive or shuts down all together if I mention her at all... Which causes friction in our marriage. I believe that he still has feelings for her. I also want to leave to be able to teach somewhere else and at first he was all on board and now when I want to talk about it he changes the subject. He also recently is trying to purchase a house that would be perfect for us, but it is n the same town as the one we are in now, and I do not want to stay here... I want to move away from her.i constantly feel that I am being compared to her, in everything that I do. I never knew bring the second wife would be so hard. I live in the home that they picked put... And I am telling you all the paint and pillows i have brought in does not get rid of the fact that this was their house. It doesn't feel like my home. She has also told me about their love life, and more than I would ever want to know.... It isn't fair, I love this man but he gave her everything she wanted and i am stuck getting seconds on everything..nd rom the wedding we didn't have, to the new cars and house. I this normal? Do all second wives feel this way....
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Honey, take a deep breath.
Honey, take a deep breath. Being a second wife has some built in issues, but a lot of how it affects your marriage is dependent on your attitude about it.
First, what makes you think your dh still has feelings for her? This is the one thing you can't control. Noone wants to be married to someone who has feelings for another woman. You need to determine if he truly does or if all of the other issues feed into your insecurity on this issue. Does he openly compare you to her or are you projecting your feelings?
That said, quit talking to his ex. No reason she should be telling you about their past. It is the past for a reason. Leave it there.
His not wanting to move away likely has little to do with his ex. If he shares physical custody with his son, he can't just leave the area without giving up significant time with him. I am sure if faced with the idea of leaving your daughter behind, you'd think differently. Don't confuse his attachment to his child with feelings for his ex.
Lastly, you need to let go of the life his ex has. yes, it sucks that she lied about her income. And yes it sucks that she has a nice car and wants another kid, etc. The quickest way to kill joy is to compare your life to someone else's. It is harder in a step situation because often our lives (financially, schedule wise, etc) are directly affected by that other person who has more. They often have more because we have less. But you have to stop if you want to find happiness and stay married. I also live in the house my dh picked with his ex. Doesn't bother me at all. It was their HOUSE. It is our HOME. Big difference. I feel nothing about the fact that she once lived here. You wouldn't care if a complete stranger lived there before you, would you? Consider her a stranger. She is nothing to you. She is the father of your dh's kid. Period. Don't make her more than that.
Hang in there. Resolve to make your life and your marriage your own.
Thank you for this . I have a
Thank you for this . I have a lot of hang ups..... We are well off, and so is she, I just hate that we pay for her lifestyle because my husband is to afraid to take her back to court. It's one things to pay for our ss, but to pay her bills is killing me. I hope that in time I can be like you and not care, but for now it hurts me. I want us to experiences first things together and we can't. He has already done envy thing with her, so when we go and do it he makes recommendations based on previous experiences. I knows it's stupid and juvenile, and I am usually pretty easy going and mature. But I have only been in one other long term relationship for 7 years and I have never had to deal with an ex... Especially an ex wife. It is so hard .
I really feel for you because
I really feel for you because I was in your spot very recently - been married two years now and the first year I crashed hard as I realized 'he'd done every thing with her' already, and it hurt so bad to truly realize I was 'second'. And I had never dealt with an ex before either, ESPECIALLY an ex wife. It IS so hard - I totally agree with you. so I say at the very least, You are not crazy!! it isn't easy, and you have a very hard position to become comfortable in. And something I had to learn very quickly was - It's not fair. and It's not my fault. Those don't take the pain away, but they are two truths you can hang on to. It is not fair. and It is not your fault. Start with believing those two things, but also, that the choice you never lose - is how you view yourself, and how you treat others. I was a victim for that first year, I let other people say things about me or us that beat me up - it wasn't my fault and it wasn't fair, but I started to lose self-worth by no actions of my own. Then, when I'd had enough, I didn't treat people as good as I should because I was so hurt and sad - that's when I saw it went too far - I knew I was a good person, a worthy, valuable person, and that my husband's past wasn't my fault and not fair to me - but I am his present and his future, and now I own that!!! I view myself as worthy and good, and I treat other people kindly (the buttheads I ignore or at least give minimal respect as a human). It is still not 'easy' but it is much better than two years ago.
But, I do believe your hang ups are not stupid or juvenile - it is 'normal', but as someone else posted - normal doesn't make it easier. So, stick with it sister, pray and don't forget your own worth
You are experiencing things
You are experiencing things together FIRST. His experiences with her are not the same as they'll be with you. The same place, the same time of the year - doesn't matter!! The experience as it is with you is NEW. That is where you have to focus. I am sure my dh and I do things he did with his ex. I am not sure what those things are because we don't discuss her and their past life together -EVER. But it doesn't matter because he also experiences new things with me and anyplace we might go together where he has been with her is not going to be the same with me because I am not her. And because I am not her, he is different with me. The man she married is not the same man I married. You need to just plan things together that you both enjoy regardless of what he has or hasn't done with her. I look at it this way: if I skip certain vacations, event, experiences because he did them with someone else, I am letting someone else dictate my life. I won't let that happen. Everyone has a past. I am sure you've done things with your ex of 7 years, too. The only difference is you can't get away from her because they have a kid. Don't let that difference become the focus of your marriage.
And don't converse with her. Here's the thing: she can text your dh 500 times a day and as long as he doesn't jump to read them or respond to them or react to them, it is irrelevant. She'll stop once she realizes his life is going on whether she wants to be a part of it or not. She clearly has issues if she insists on telling you his faults or about their sex life together. My dh's ex tried a few times to make me sympathize with what "he put her through". She also liked to remind me that they were together 20 years. Whatever. She can't hurt you unless you let her. Quite frankly if she is so determined to discuss it, she is probably trying to convince herself.
Our problem is I'm an
Our problem is I'm an elementary teacher Ina part of the state that is over populated with them, so I cannot find a full time position here, and he knew when we married. We had been engaged before and I ended it because of all this stress, and then we started dating again, and married quickly. I love him and my ss, but it is so hard..... Thank you for your advice.. We tried only allowing her to text him, he asked her to only text, but it would be random texts all the time, so we stopped it and asked her to contact me. She is really nice to my face but vindictive. We were married for two days when she stopped by to tell me things i should know about my husband.... I was in tears and left for a day.... I hope it goes away like u say it will.... I see her driving around in cars were paying for and a house that she has told me great details abut their love making sessions...I am just at my wits end.... It's causing us to fight and argue because I am so depressed
I think whether or not it's
I think whether or not it's normal doesn't really matter. Will it be any easier for you to live with if it's normal?
I can't say that this is something I've dealt with much. At least not in terms of the ex (now my in-laws ... that's another story.) I never had to live somewhere he lived with her. We don't live in her town and I have never felt compared to her. I have also never had a thought that he still has feelings for her.
That specifically, isn't normal. You don't (or shouldn't) marry a person when you're still holding a torch for someone else. If this is something you really believe, you're going to have issues in your relationship because it will become a trust factor, and add to your feeling that you're being taken advantage of. It seems like it already is a trust factor since you seem to be concerned about her calling him so often.
You really need to turn the communication responsibility back over to him. You're allowing this woman's words to hurt you and you're putting yourself in the line of fire. This is his ex, his kid, his responsibility. He needs to deal with it in a healthy manner. That means creating boundaries. If she calls him about things that don't relate to the child, he needs to hang up. If she calls at inconvenient times, he needs to let it go to voice mail and only call her back when he's free and If it's a child related issue. If he's using communication about the child to try to rekindle something, then you have a way bigger problem than her calling 5 times a day. You say he shuts down when she's mentioned. Stop mentioning her. And tell him this is why he needs to go back to being the one to deal with her.
The money thing is understandable, but not something you'll be able to do anything about. You could try to report her for welfare fraud, but that's about it.
As for him pressuring you to have a child, considering what you're saying about him as a father and your relationship... resist. Don't do it. Ask him why he wants another child. Does he really enjoy being a parent? Is he active with his son and with your daughter? Or when the kids are around does he get irritated or leave the room? Does he want a kid just to show his ex he's moved on and doesn't care? Or is he in competition with her? Cause these are horrible reasons to have a child, which it seems like you realize.
Maybe going to a therapist would be helpful for you guys. Otherwise, examine your life, determine what it is that's making you miserable and if it's possible, change it.
You want to work somewhere else - so Do. You don't need his permission. BM makes your life difficult and you get upset when you talk to her - stop talking to her. You can choose to not be a victim. There are things you can change even without leaving the relationship. Some of them may be unpleasant or mean that you have to deal with your husband being a jerk because he doesn't want to deal with his mess or be an adult, but it is a choice.
I do trust my husband, but
I do trust my husband, but not her or her motives. I thank you all for your responses, and I guess the first thing I must do is tell him to tell her that they need to deal with their own son. She comes to me for advice on him and his disabilities, and everyone has seen an improvement with him since I have been in the picture, but I guess I need to let them deal with him. It's just hard being am educator I want to help him and be as involved as I can. .i hope in time we can find a happy median. I love my stand and want to bless him with a child but I am so afraid out child will turn out llike our ss, or my husband will not be attentive. My hubby is great with my daughter treats her better than he treats his own son.. Which also worries me.
First off...YOU are the WIFE.
First off...YOU are the WIFE. SHE is the EX. Does it matter who was first or second?? But I do understand your feelings. I know that me and my DS went without because of DH's financial obligations to his children.
Please go to email only contact. That way your DH can deal with HIS child and HIS ex and you don't have to. That way he can also choose to NOT respond or ignore the parts if she talks about anything not related to their child.
I just have to say.... Men
I just have to say....
Men are really basically simple creatures. If the sex was honestly that great don't you think he would still be with her? He's NOT, he's with you.
I used to feel the way you do and my dh didn't help when he'd pay me a compliment like "your face looks nice." years ago these compliments would just send me spinning because I wondered about the rest of me- but now I realize it's just my goofy dh trying his hardest to be polite.
You will find your way, the first year or two are the worst because You are blending two families into one unit. Hugs