help for stepmom who is denied custody when my husband is gone
Hi - new at this and need help please. My stepkids' mom will not honor custody when my husband is out of town or at work - so she will not bring the kids over to me during our legal custody time. What rights do I have? I had plans today at 2pm, because the kids were suppose to be brought over to us by 9am, but my husband had to work, so the kids weren't brought over and now I am losing the time with them AND the plans we had at 2pm. The mom refuses to work with me - what can I do?
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It's not YOUR legal custody
It's not YOUR legal custody time, it's your husband's. Their mother is within her rights to keep them if their father isn't around. You have no rights, it's your husband who has the rights.
If he is out of town, no argument can be made for her to drop them off. If he's at work at the specified time but will be home later, then it is up to him to either arrange she will drop them off with you while he's at work or to him when he's home.
Only if there is a FIrst
Only if there is a FIrst Right of Refusal in place on the custody order.
If not, her DH can haev jabba the hut watch the kids while he is working, if he so pleases.
That's true... it does depend
That's true... it does depend on where you live. In Cali, BM was denied because there was no reason for it. I am here, I have been raising him since he was 1, and he doesn't NOT want to be with me.
^^^THIS^^^
^^^THIS^^^
You have no rights, your not
You have no rights, your not their parent. Custody time, parental visitation whatever you want to call it, is for the biological parents. If he's not available there is nothing you or he can do if she's denying his time because he's not there to even enforce his time. But look at it this way at least your not begging BM to take care of her own kids it could be a lot worse.
and now I am losing the time
and now I am losing the time with them
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Yea...kath is right...it is not your time. It is your DH's. I really see no reason for them to come over if your DH is out of town, but if he is just working and will be home soon...he should be able to have someone go pick them up at the CO'd time.
Your husband needs to be the
Your husband needs to be the one to enforce this with her. If there is no first right of refusal in the custody order, than she needs to be following the court appointed schedule. She shouldn't be awaare of your husbands work schedule. That should not effect anything at all... do you have ROFR in the CO?
wow - I had no idea I really
wow - I had no idea
I really figured that how much I have taken care of them, provided for them and paid child support - that the legal custody time applied to my husband AND I. jeesh, if that doesn't make me feel worthless in all I have done with them, for them 
I really wish they were here for a better environment, than being pushed around at home.
I didn't have problems until recently when their mom got 3rd divorce and has the kids all upset, so she is being mean to me. I thought I could enforce that I have custody rights during our time. And believe me Lalena75, she isn't doing it to take care of her kids, she is doing it to hurt us
So, I guess a lawyer is useless if I have no rights?
(and hey, can someone tell me what all the DH CO BM stuff stands for?)
DH Dear Husband CO Custody
DH Dear Husband
CO Custody order
BM BioMom
If there is no First Right of Refusal in the custody order, than she cannot dictate where the kids spend time and who it is with during your husbands parenting time. I am the same way. SS still comes home when DH is out of town for work. Wouldn't have it any other way. BM tried to fight it, and lost.
BSgoinon - the kids tell
BSgoinon - the kids tell their mom everything about our house, my husband's work schedule, and plans I have for them. So she will always know my husband's work schedule among other things....
That's a bummer. Life is so
That's a bummer. Life is so much easier when it is OURS and not shared with the BM! Are they old enough to have a conversation with them about this?
Are you new to the
Are you new to the "stepparent game?" Kinda sounds like it.
I've been a step for 20+ years. One step with XH whom I love and raised as my own.
Two with DH who... fortunately are now adults.
First, you need to recognize that you have no rights...and *you* do not have "custody time." Those are your DH's rights, and marriage does not extend them. You don't have time with them and you can't lose time with them.
Second, the mom doesn't need to work with you. It's actually often better if she doesn't. She and your DH (her children's father) should work things out, work together, and co-parent their children. You are an auxillary role to your DH's role as he chooses.
Third, do you *know* that BM isn't honoring the custody agreement? Often, there is wording that is referred to as the "first right of refusal." This is some wording that states that if one parent cannot exercise their custodial time, the other parent is given first choice to have the kids over any other person... like a new spouse.
I would recommend getting a full copy of the agreement and reading it.
Stepping is and can be a challenge and I would recommend you choose which battles to fight.
I agree with your definition
I agree with your definition StickAFork, from a legal standpoint. Absolutely. But each situation is different - from a personal standpoint.
I, too, have been a stepparent for 20+ years. Two with XH, who are still in my life daily. I never had a problem with them or their mother including me as part of the family. XH was a police officer and worked various shifts. When it was his time to have the kids, no matter where he was, the kids were at our place. No questions asked. I had that awesome situation for over 14 years. As a matter of fact, following my divorce from XH and subsequent remarriage, SS26 got married. DH and I had our own family table at the reception. We've never been treated as anything other than family - NEVER.
Now I have SD9 and it is a completely different situation. I got a taste of the other side - the "dark side" I like to call it. BM sees no value in my existence and has done everything in her power to make sure I don't have anything to do with SD9. And so the "loving family" I dreamed of having with my second family - that I still have with my first - was flushed down the toilet by the legal system.
And in the end, SS26 and SS22 are two of the most productive, well-adjusted adults I've ever met. And SD9 is and always will be a basket case - full of anxiety, doubt and fear. And I not only blame her mother, but the legal system for allowing such abusive parenting!!!
So very sad!!
ok, haven't heard of first
ok, haven't heard of first right of refusal yet - will look into it in custody papers. So if we don't have that in the paperwork, then she has to bring the kids over at the appointed time, regardless if she has decided my husband isn't here or not? would court enforce that she has to follow custody always, regardless of where my husband is physically, if there is no ROFR?
Right, if it is NOT in the
Right, if it is NOT in the custody paper work than she has NO SAY in what happens while your husband is at work. She has to follow the custody paper work even if he is at work. Look in to it, it will be plain as day if it is in there. It will state something along the lines of "Parents reserve the Right of First Refusal should the other parent not be available during their parenting time".
Yes and no. It isn't that cut
Yes and no. It isn't that cut and dried.
There was just a poster on here who said that wasn't in the order, but then quoted the verbiage and it was there.
Also, like HRNYC wrote, it's possible that "parent" is defined as just that - parent. If it doesn't state "designee" then it's possible that it means parent...only.
I had my SD many, many, many times (years!) when XH was at work and she *could* have been with BM. I understand your frustration. However, I happen to agree that it's usually best that the child be with a parent first.
yes I am relatively new - but
yes I am relatively new - but like I said, did not have much problems until the kids' mom's house became so unstable with her 3rd divorce - and the brunt of the problems get acted out at our house, and towards us as she badmouths us to the kids
I still am trying to wrap my head around that I care for the kids, provide house, clothes, transportation, food, love, discipline and pay bills for them - but have no rights. I truly had no idea - I am actually feeling shocked right now. I should tell my pastor to add that fact into future pre-marital counseling for never married/no kids women who are going to enter this situation.
It is a Thanksless job most
It is a Thanksless job most of the time... that is why we have a place to come and vent
I am really sorry that you're
I am really sorry that you're feeling shell shocked right now. It's like being hit in the face with a fish.
Don't let this change how you feel and interact with your skids. I can honestly say, after being SD's stepmom from age 2 (she's now 22) that it was worth it. All the fighting with BM, the drama, the "mom is my favoritest," always coming in second to the "real mom," and on and on... I regret none of it. I love her like my own, she is a "full sibling" to my 3 bio children, and she is still very much a part of my family (divorced her dad, remarried.)
The law can't control your feelings and how you enjoy your family.
dog person - We are nothing
dog person - We are nothing except ATM's, cab drivers, cooks, and peace makers - all without pay or a thank you. We should have those light blue helmets like the UN Peace Keepers wear.
it's like you just read my mind - I am having this moment right now of seeing all that I am for them, and you guys showing me that legally, I am nothing......wow.
This isn't going to be fun or rewarding is it? how do you all do this for so long? how do you keep doing good, and trying when there is so much fight and pain to it?
Does that fact that you drug
Does that fact that you drug yourself to cope with your life cause you to *maybe* think this isn't the relationship for you???
SMH
Be nice SAF. You don't know
Be nice SAF. You don't know her.
I was being nice, D. I was
I was being nice, D.
I was there. I married a man and wound up on antidepressants with anxiety attacks just living my life. I was married, and had 3 children with him. When I finally realized that I was DRUGGING myself to deal with him, it was time to go.
YOU be nice. You don't know ME.
youre right I don't know you
youre right I don't know you but I do think you tend to be harsh. ive read plenty of your comments. and to quote yourself, "out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks."
to inform those who may not
to inform those who may not know otherwise this is actually a biblical quote, not a stickafork original.
dogperson, I don't think god
dogperson, I don't think god and alcohol are on the same level however im not saying this to argue with you.
no problem. everyone makes
no problem. everyone makes mistakes. EVERYONE.
Dog person....and I will say
Dog person....and I will say this because of our careers as well, but I was on antidepressants when I was single. I should probably be on Xanax now, and not just because of skids and BM drama, but our career in general makes Xanax a friend. I would be on it now but I choose vodka, and Chaka Khan. (Thank you Bridget Jones). Do what you gotta do for you. I know me. When I was not on anti-depressants doing this job before, I was seriously suicidal 2-3 days a month and heavily depressed the rest of the time. And I didn't even HAVE divorce clients then. Do what you have to for you.....there is a big difference between mellowing yourself out and drinking yourself into oblivion right?
you don't need the approval
you don't need the approval of the women here, dogperson. they have their own vices to deal with.
You will likely get a lot of
You will likely get a lot of different answers to this question. Ranging anywhere from "RUN and don't look back" to my answer:
I do it for SS. He is a good kid and it isn't his fault that his mom sucks. We have our ups and downs with BM. But the bottom line is, I adore him and he is a good kid.
There are many women here that don't have supportive husbands. My husband is very supportive. He knows everything I do for him and SS. He knows I don't HAVE to do those things. If not for that fact, I wouldn't do any of it. I do what is best for SS, no matter what it is. And sometimes that means letting him go to his moms when he wants to. It doesn't happen often, but I can't deny him of his mom if he misses her. He spends more time with us generally.
You have to decide how much of yourself you are willing to give, if your situation justifies it, if it is worth it to you and choose your battles wisely. Sometimes giving in is the better thing to do...sometimes things are worth fighting for.
BS Can I ask if you and your
BS Can I ask if you and your husband have kids? it sounds like you are a in a very good place with your SS and I wonder if you are able to deal with that on top of your own children? I have so many questions, wondering how a married couple moves forward without letting the past (and present) affect your life together. I often worry about my husband's kids' lives negatively affecting how my husband and I move forward together as husband/wife to have our 'own life'.
We don't have any kids
We don't have any kids together. I have 2 daughters from a previous marriage.
I think the advantage I have, is that the kids were very young when DH and I moved in together. My SS and my youngest daughetr were 1 1/2 years old. They don't remember life without me.
I am much like you, in that I prefer SS to be with us. BM has a very unstable lifestyle. Smoking, doing drugs (marijuana), irresponsible. She is not a good role model for SS. My husband has TOLD her this is why she is not to have SS when he is gone and it is his parenting time. She just has to deal with it because the court didn't disagree with him.
It has taken 8 years to get here. While SS and I have always had a good relationship, we have had our ups and downs with BM. She has made life difficult at times. I refuse to give up, SS is too important to me. And DH backs me up in everything I do with him. I am not the "norm" here on this website. I do communicate with BM, and we are on pretty good terms most of the time. But I had to fight hard to get there. It is what is best for SS, because when we don't get along, BM talks craps to him about me, and it really affects his behavior.
You are on the right track. Keep finding out whatever information you need to make an informed decision on your role in your skids life!
I would consult a lawyer.
I would consult a lawyer.
dog person - xanax? ha ha
dog person - xanax? ha ha Hilarious!
BSgoinon- that's an awesome response - "You have to decide how much of yourself you are willing to give, if your situation justifies it, if it is worth it to you and choose your battles wisely. Sometimes giving in is the better thing to do...sometimes things are worth fighting for." thank you for that - choosing battles is not much of what I've had to do in the past, I had a pretty drama-free life until now. I have a lot to learn, and today has been a real eye opener - I'm going to have dig deeper back into my optimistic previous lifestyle because this sucks
There are a lot of situations
There are a lot of situations on this board that either the kids are just flat out nasty, or the BM causes ways too many problems so SM's have "disengaged". Meaning, they are completely hands off with the stepkids. I can understand and completely respect that for most of the people here that have chosen to do so.
SS and DH make it worth it to me to stay involved. It is different for everyone. I, personally, DO deal with BM, because she is normal more than she is crazy. We are very different people and I would never associate with her if we did not have a "kid in common". But I can deal with her to make SS's life what it is.
Sounds to me like you need to do some serious soul searching and define what it is you want to be as a stepmom. Start there and THEN make legal desicions.
great advice, thank you very
great advice, thank you very much - I do need some serious soul searching. I was so unprepared for all this drama and meanness (is that a word?) - I've never lived this way with someone intentionally trying to diminish quality of life for me and my family - it's really draining and upsetting. I need to get a better grasp of how life can move forward, and see if there is a place of 'calm and semi-normal' for me as a stepmom. I've never before had people act in a way that had me questioning my worth - not cool
"meanness" is now a word
"meanness" is now a word
"She shouldn't be aware of
"She shouldn't be aware of your husbands work schedule."
I disagree! As a mother I always want to know who is watching my kids!!
She shouldn't have access to
She shouldn't have access to when her exhusband is working far enough in advance to with hold visitation if it is causing issues. I say.... swap the kids and then send the email saying "Kath is watching the kids while I am at work today, they can be reached at ##".
JMHO.
That is a reasonable
That is a reasonable solution. I just thought you were implying that because the kids were at dads mom had no right to know who they were with....
I would have a come apart if someone wouldn't tell me who was watching my daughter.
Oh, no. We are required to
Oh, no. We are required to tell BM (and she tell us) when SS is staying the night with anyone other than DH. Which means, every time he leaves town for work over night, we have to inform her. If he stays the night with a friend, we have to inform her.
I have noticed that she doesn't do the same for us, and she is supposed to. But he never really goes anywhere but her dads house so we have never made a fuss about it.
She only put that in the CO because when DH and BM divorced, she was in a HUGE fight with my MIL. And she didn't "want" her son staying the night with her. Judge basically told her too bad, but we are required to at least TELL her when he stays the night elsewhere, or home without a parent. Whatever... he never stays the night with MIL anyways.
In CA it doesn't matter if
In CA it doesn't matter if the bio parents are home or not. My ex was a truck driver and I never knew who was picking up my kids, usually his mom but he had 2 girlfriends show up at different times too. Also my DH is a firefighter and works a 24 hour shift sometimes a few days in a row. According to the courts, the children keep to their "schedule" even if parents aren't there.
stickafork: thanks for
stickafork: thanks for this:"Don't let this change how you feel and interact with your skids. I can honestly say, after being SD's stepmom from age 2 (she's now 22) that it was worth it. All the fighting with BM, the drama, the "mom is my favoritest," always coming in second to the "real mom," and on and on... I regret none of it. I love her like my own, she is a "full sibling" to my 3 bio children, and she is still very much a part of my family (divorced her dad, remarried.)
The law can't control your feelings and how you enjoy your family."
You've had years and years of 'real mom is better' 'my mom is this' 'my mom is that' and I'm just starting. The whole time I'm giving my heart and soul, NOT to be a mom to them, but a good person - a strong woman and role model, and this last month it came crashing down from someone with a foul mouth and bad heart - and I can't do anything about it....hard lesson. Thanks for telling me "I regret none of it" - something I'll have to hold on to as these hard times continue. Thanks Stickafork
BSgoinon "She shouldn't have
BSgoinon "She shouldn't have access to when her exhusband is working far enough in advance to with hold visitation if it is causing issues. I say.... swap the kids and then send the email saying "Kath is watching the kids while I am at work today, they can be reached at ##".
I can't do that because kids' mom blocked my cell phone work phone and emails from her and her kids last week when she decided to be mean - I have no way to communicate with the kids or her, except through my husband's phone
Your husband should send it.
Your husband should send it. That way HE is informing her that the kids are not with him, and with you.
If she is hostile like this, it is best if he communicates with her. You don't need the stress of dealing with her. Let him do the dirty work.
Look at it the way I do, I'm
Look at it the way I do, I'm like the favorite auntie I choose to do for SO's (significant other) kids what I want and don't do what I want. I have no legal rights, therefore no legal obligations. I help enrich their lives, support their parents and if it's taken for granted I just don't do anymore. I treat his kids like I treat my niece and nephews.
Read here, read the variety of posts, problems frustrations and the few joys we find. Try not to get jaded everyone's step life is different believe me I think I have it far easier than most here and that is completely due to the fact I found this place before we moved in together so I already had learned a lot before I became involved as another adult in their lives.
thanks for a very good 'real
thanks for a very good 'real life' example - I can't stand when I have that temperature rising, blood boiling feeling - and then feel helpless to resolve it - maybe if I do remove myself more often, I won't feel so responsible to input/correct/teach
Kat, let me answer the
Kat, let me answer the question, how do we do it for so long? We stop fighting. You have no horse in this legal race. If he is away on business she is not obligated to give her child to a total stranger. Not to mention why would she. And dont engage her (the ex) in any way when he is gone.nyou do not call her about plans you have, you assume she is not coming and plan accordingly.
You thank your lucky stars that you have ur husbands respect as well as his ex's and that they know that child is not and never should be ur responsibily.
Ironic you are willing to fight against what were all here discussing because we dont have. My husband assumes SD is my responsibilty when he is gone. Then there is an uncomfortable coversation about finding her a place to be because in no way is she staying under my care with out her father here.
"we stop fighting" sounds
"we stop fighting" sounds really, really nice. I guess I felt a moral obligation to do the best I could to help raise his kids that are in an unstable home with their mom. I thought when I married a man with kids, that I 'took them in' too. I figured at least while they are here with us, I could influence them with education, manners, fun, vacations, chores, God and a different lifestyle than what they see at home with smoking, alcoholism, multiple marriages and different life values. Especially, when I see extra negative behavior from them the longer they stay home without custody time with us. We have a few days with them, and it is an amazing transformation to see them smile, say 'thank you' and ask for more time with us. I thought this WAS my responsibility, but maybe I am wrong.
yes, "in a bad mood" is
yes, "in a bad mood" is nicely said
thanks for this info, definitely something for me and husband to talk about, especially when we are trying to keep custody time, and she is getting in the way of it intentionally - thanks alot for mentioning this stuff
thanks beaccountable you said
thanks beaccountable
you said I kinda sound like you years ago - did it get easier for you? is there any obvious things you believe you'd go back and do differently to make things work smoother? what did you do when you felt your sanity slipping on some extra hard days/moments?