i do not want to be friends with SD
my SD12 is a drama queen, fills the room with horrible energy every time she enters, she is disrespectful and i believe she has the same genes as her mom..and that is not good news. very manipulative and not well intentioned. i honestly think that given the child's history of lies and betrayals it will be very hard for me to open up and try to become friends.
about 4 months ago i disengaged and it feels great, it has not been easy and there are bad days and good days but in general i like the concept of taking a distance from all the drama. now, that i look back i realized it was eating me alive to be in the drama world.
my husband is doing a great job taking over after i disengaged, some days beter , some days worse..but solid.
anyway, the issue at hand is that our couselor tells us that DH has to be the one that parents the child and do all the discipline things and we are doing that very well. he also says that i need to play the "friend" role...take her out to get our nails done, etc....and i keep saying that im not ready YET...what i think is happening is that i dont want to be her friend PERIOD, not today not ever. i do not like or trust the child and it will only get worse with the teen years, more lies, more manipulation, more shit.
the question is: what is going to happen when hubby realises that i will not be the friend? do i tell him now? do i wait and cross that bridge when i get there? do i pretend and do some activities and keep the fake smile going? she doesnt want to be with me either...this feeling is mutual, the only one that wants us to be friends is of course DH....advice?
I disengaged from my teenage
I disengaged from my teenage SDs a number of years ago, and I did NOT tell DH I was doing it. On the whole I think it is better just to gradually disengage, and not "throw down the gauntlet" as it were, by telling DH. He might well make an issue of it if you do.
I try to be civil and pleasant to my SDs, rather than plaster on a fake smile. I do not feel particularly comfortable hugging them when they leave, but I give them a hug if they come to me for one, as they sometimes do.
I certainly would never take them to get nails done, or similar. Just would not feel right. When they come here it is DH's time with them, and I back off and leave the three of them to it.
sorry, double post.
sorry, double post.
I second this. This is
I second this.
This is exactly what I've been doing.
Plus, SD's friends don't even stay her friends because of her personality. I'm never putting myself in a position to be treated badly or manipulated again.
I disengaged from my SD a
I disengaged from my SD a long time ago for the very same reasons you have mentioned about your SD12 ...and funny enough, it was the exact same age i also disengaged from her. She is exactly like her mother. Its genetic and its been instilled in her due to learned behaviour as well. She is quite mean to her own brother as well. I can go on...but i wont.
Here's my advice: Stay true to yourself!!! dont be fake! dont' take this child out for any occasion if it means nothing for you and her. Its not fair for you. Its not fair for the child. Its not fair for your husband. Tell your husband upfront , at this point in time, you cannot be friends with her. Friendship is reserved for people who are equal. She is a child. As a previous poster said, be a mentor...not a friend.
If you want, do 'friendly' activities in a group setting that involves your husband and neighbours. Keep it at a group level until you feel comfortable when she is older and more mature to do a one on one activity. This is what i have done for years. This way, she is included, her father is always involved and you do not have to be one on one.
I'm not close with my SD and never will be for the mere fact of her personality. I dont trust her. Never will. That's a fact and its somehting i'm fine with in my life. We cannot be friends with everyone and just because she is your SD doesnt' mean you have to be friends or love her. You treat her like you would treat any other human being on the street. With civil manners and if and when this person gets out of line, you put them in their place politely. End of story.
If this councilor is pushing you to be 'friends' ...put it firmly to him and your husband, you can only mentor a child not be friends with her. And at his point in time, you are not ready to do one on one activities with her. you will not be fake to yourself or the child.
I dont know how your husband will react. I know my husband was taken aback but he loves me and supported me for the decision.
Now his daughter is taking it out on him, and he has disengaged as well from her.
That's strange...A friend?
That's strange...A friend? That's not natural, IMO...You're an authority figure (or should be) not a friend...Being seen as a friend will put you in the position to be disrespected since you don't have any authority in her life...
I wouldn't go for that...
Also, does SD want to be YOUR friend? That can be very one sided and exhausting...
thank you all for the advice.
thank you all for the advice. this site rocks, it is so helpful!
a cluple of clarifications: SD lives with us 100% of the time, there is no back and forth.
DH is very aware of my disengaging, we talked, we talk in teraphy, etc. and the last clarification is hta SD does not want to be my friend anyway.
she is not a social child ot begin with, during all the years that i played the mom roles a big part of my job was to reel her our of her room to be part of the family, or to play little clown to get a smile out of her face. now that i donr do al the work, she simply goes around with the shit face and gives the world and in particular me the worst treatment ever. it is very hard to reach out to a person (any age) that i nthe past has treated you horribly and continues doing so to be FRIENDS...man im not the Buddah!!! since the disengagement, she has been particularly private ,secretive, anti-family and ohh my god super excited and jumping up and down when she talks on the phone with BM...i hate all these games. DH is seeing them too and getting tired too.
bottom line: i dont wantot expose myself to all that. belive me, i had enough of that love-hate, push -pull relationship with this child for years. the main reason that i disengaged was not all the actual work (driving, cooking, cleaning, laundry for the child), i didnt mind that all that much. the main reason was that my heart was getting broken all the time and it has a high emotional price.
but now, i cant tell my hubby "dear, i will not be able to be friends with your daughter". i think he cant take it, he is still getting used to the "dear, im not her mom, you take over from now on"...i ll give the whole thing some more time
I don't get the "friends w/
I don't get the "friends w/ skids" thing. My friends are other women and men aged 25-55 who are able to participate in my life in a meaningful way, engage me in relevant conversation and have an equal give and take relationship. When my skids can fit that criteria, THEN they can be my friends. Until then, I am their stepmother and they are the stepCHILD. Period.
Hi - I've just found this
Hi - I've just found this site...I'm searching for help, thinking I am just horrible. My partner and I (sorry I don't know all the little acronyms yet!) have moved in together 5 months ago, been together for 3 years before that. My kids 14 and 10 are just terrific, even though we gave up our family home to move in to a new family home. I've been shocked at how he (doesn't) parent his kids - really lax with them, lets them run riot pretty much. I've really tried hard to just stand back with his kids, and not come on too strong with the whole stepmother thing. Mostly because they aren't my kids, they never will be, and I don't want to be their mother! They're his kids - it's his job to discipline them, not mine. Anyway...SD12 is a little bitch quite frankly. Sour faced, spoilt little tart, who makes my life a misery with her snide little comments about my cooking, our house, her preference to be with her mother. I've disengaged from her - I am never alone with her, and treat her with respect as I would any other person, but not anything more. My partner and I have had a HUGE fight because he says if I can't like his daughter then our relationship is over! I told him good luck finding anyone who will form a relationship with her - even he doesn't like her most of the time! It's such a relief to read about other people who don't like their SD! I thought I was WICKED!! }:)
Hell no...I could never
Hell no...I could never really be friends with my step daughter because of her personality. There is alaways motive to being nice to anyone...always manipulation involved and absolutley no compassion for anyone or anything. She is lazy, bossy, overbearing and so F****ing annoying it is unreal. I see how she treats her friends...I can't even imagine how bad it is going to be when she gets older and more manipulative. Don't need a friend like that
My SS13 is a drama king too!
My SS13 is a drama king too! He always wants to be first, the center of attention, do NOTHING (and throws a fit if asked to take the dirty dishes out of the dishwasher and refill it! REALLY!!) Lazy! He doesn't have chores, doesn't clean his room unless told to (and you (I) babysit him the whole time), doesn't take a shower, doesn't brush his teeth, LIES all the time, throws tantrums if he doesn't get his way on and on!!! NO I don't want to be his friend and YES I am tired of him DAMNED LIES!!!!!!!!!!! I have to lock our bedroom door, hide anything sweet or snacks! I feel for you!!!! It sucks!!!!!! When SS is with BM...those are the BEST days!!!!! I don't want to hug him!!!! I don't... whatever!!! I understand!!!! The fake smiles are a daily thing that I do because I love my DH and do not want to get divorced!!! Only for DH!
I'd tell him. I know I've
I'd tell him. I know I've told mine. He has a 9 year old son and, honestly, I have no intention of being his friend, his mom, his anything. We co-habitate from time to time and are civil, polite and respectful.
A lot of people say "you knew what you were getting into" and the truth is I didn't. I didn't know his son would turn out to be such an unstable, manipulative child. I LOVE my husband to bits, but I don't have to love or want to be around his child by association. And now he knows that. I've gone as far as telling him that if his son continues like this (throwing fits when he doesn't get what he wants, being manipulative and deceiving) DH and I will have to have a different living arrangement when our daughters are old enough to pick up on these things. I will NOT jeopardize raising my kids in this environment because my DH's X is a sociopath who uses her son to get to her ex husband and in turn is affecting him psychologically.
I think you have to stand your ground. Don't be pushed around and don't do anything you don't want to do or feel comfortable doing, because step mothers are criticized no matter what we do. So I have chosen to do what is good for me and my children.
Good luck :).