Is this fair/normal?
My DH will talk to babies mama and make & change plans without talking to me. They change weekends, times, drop off/ pick up locations.... everything!!! Then he tells me about it after the fact and I have no say in any of it. I've talked to him about it so many times, but he won't change it cuz he has to always kiss her ass and do whatever she wants. He thinks if he doesn't she will get pissed and talk shit to SD, and take time away from him, which she's done in the past. I think i as his wife of 7 years should be included...Babies mama will do everything to keep me out of the picture, and he lets her! An average week she will call him at least 10 times for NO reason. I say that's bullshit and UN- necessary. Again he doesn't want to piss her off so her needs are met before mine... his WIFE! On top of that he gets pissed at me for being upset about this! SD has a doctor apt to diagnose her with ADHD, I think i have the right to be there, she wants him all to herself.... should i be able to go? She uses him as a bf, and he doesn't care about the games cuz he's always kissing her ass to keep her happy, not me. I've had it!!! What's normal? What's ok?
Who is the custodial parent?
Who is the custodial parent? Is it a joint custody situation? How much does the child live in your home?
And how old is the child?
And how old is the child?
She is, we have a court
She is, we have a court ordered parenting plan, every other weekend, wedbesdays, holidays & summer break. SD is 10.... I've been in her life since she was 3. Baby mama and MY DH were never married.
In my opinion, there is no
In my opinion, there is no need for two parents to go to a pretty standard doctor appointment for a 10 year old. Much less both parents and step-parents on top of it.
Seems like he never cut ties with BM.... it is common. Probably when she was very young, BM could pull strings and prevent Dad from spending time with his daughter. So, he got into the habits of appeasing her and jumping through her hoops.
Sometimes people get into behavior patterns for a good reason, and never think to change the patterns when they are no longer needed. My SO got into a similar pattern when his daughter was little, and never changed it, and continued doing things for BM after his adult daughter was grown out of habit.... I don't get it, but a lot of people do this kind of thing.
It might help your DH to think about the fact that as his daughter gets older, she and her mother do not have to be a package deal. DH doesn't have to keep appeasing babymoma as the child gets older.... the child will decide who she wants to have a relationship with.
And if you have a court order, BM can't prevent him from seeing his child.
I would ask myself- Why is he still jumping through hoops for the BM? Did he simply develop a habit when the child was young and never change it? Or does he have some emotional connection to her?
Unfortunately, you can't change what he does, or what she does, the only person you can change is yourself. Nagging doesn't do any good for your relationship... just makes you seem needy and demanding.
What you can do is decide what you will do, and communicate that to DH, and follow through.
Some examples might be:
- When we have made plans, and you change your plans without consulting me first, I will follow through with my plans.
- When you put someone else's needs ahead of mine, I feel betrayed. I need you to consider my needs first, and honor me as your wife. If you continue to continue to prioritize another woman over me, I will not continue to live with you.
- Since I share responsibility for this child when she is in your care, DH, I will accompany you to the Dr. appt.
These are examples. You have to know yourself, know what you need, know what you are willing to do, and never say it unless you are able to follow through.
Above all, take care of yourself. Do things that you enjoy. If he isn't with you, still be enjoying life.
Make plans for yourself and
Make plans for yourself and stick to them, regardless of his last minute BM schelule change act. I work from home and we have a big family. Now that the kiddos are out for the summer, I frequently have activities planned for the family. I plan around the court orders. If DH agrees to anything other than the court order and it interferes in my preplanned activity, we go forward without him and he misses out. I NEVER reschedule or inconvenience myself to accommodate him when he changes plans without consulting me first.
I know he would never cheat,
I know he would never cheat, and if he did the last person in the world it would be with would be her! He tells me all the time how much he hates her... she is a terrible mother. I don't think she should ever be called a mother. She had f-ed their daughter up so bad, he believes she's ruined for life. CPS has been involved over 6 times, the schools, the cops, but thanks to our f-ed up system, she gets custody. I think what people are saying about him stuck in his old pattern is right, but even to this day she will do everything to make our lives miserable if he doesn't kiss her ass all the time. She had total control over him, plays games, and uses her own daughter as a pawn. But the thing is, is he lets her!!! He flat out tells me this is how its going to be and he's never going to change. I say that's completely wrong and makes me sick! I guess i have to get to the point where I'm serious and put my foot down. The thing is, is besides this bullshit our marriage is very strong, and we've got through a lot together. I need to be able to talk to him without him getting defensive. The situation when SD is here is out of control. SD has major issues. She still poops her pants, but it's not a medical condition. She never listens, is very selfish, acts like she's 2, teaches our 2 yr old daughter bad things, is physically rough with our daughter and the list goes on forever! DH will defend AD over me, he lets her come between us. he is afraid to discipline her because he doesn't want her to not want to come over. If he was to parent her like he should 90% of her time here would be miserable, do he's decided to go the complete opposite way and let her run ammuck! There's no structure with her at all, yet he's an amazing dad with our kids! This whole situation is f-ed!!! I dread the weekends we have her. I'm to the point that i can't stand SD and i feel terrible for that. I think if he would step up and man up with babies mama and SD things would get better.... but like i said he said this is how its going to be and he's not going to change! He tells me all the time how good off a mother i am with DD, but if i say anything about SD gets defensive, shuts down, and we fight about it
"But the thing is, is he lets
"But the thing is, is he lets her!!!"
This says it. He lets her continue to pull his strings. As long as he chooses to allow it, it will continue.
All you can do is decide how to respond, and don't let a hoop set for him also become a hoop for you.
I would seriously consider disengaging from the SD and BM if you choose to continue living in that situation.
I'm to the point where i
I'm to the point where i resent him, SD, and most of all baby mama! Baby mama drags bullshit lies out of SD about me then turns around and tells my DH! I get screwed by SD all the time. SD will purposely do shit in front of me with my DH and look at me with a shit eating grin cuz he let's her play the games! DH wants me to be SD " friend" never discipline, never parent, never talk to her about issues, but the thing is is he's ruined that from ever being an option. If he would step up and PARENT her, and teach her she can't manipulate us that would work.. he will disrespect what I've told her to do in front of her ( insert SD shit eating grin) then him and i fight about it.
raised how?
raised how?
Yes that is all normal.
Yes that is all normal. Daddy needs to keep custodial mother happy so she doesn't talk smack the 12 or 14 days kids are with her during which she can totally destroy the relationship with his kids.
Yes its normal that she hates the 'other woman' which women have done since time immortal.
Yes she will do everything in her power to keep you out of her kids lives.
You married a guy who puts you completely secondary to his children and their mother. Since you've talked to him about this to no avail its not going to change. Rather than nag him about it why don't you disengage from his kids leaving him to amuse them 100% of the time.
If you're not familiar with disengage use the search option within this site to get posts on the subject.
orange county ca... I've told
orange county ca... I've told everyone i know you're quote " friends don't let friends become step patents" haha... that's one of the best sayings I've ever heard!!!
he thinks he can have it both
he thinks he can have it both ways, he controls "his" situation with SD & baby mama AND I'm supposed to be this amazing friend to SD, and have no say in any part of it. I've told him he can't have it both ways.... but obviously that doesn't matter
You've told him he can't have
You've told him he can't have it both ways.... so it's up to you to change the one thing you can change.
"he controls "his" situation with SD & baby mama"-- That's his choice, obviously not gonna change any time soon.
"I'm supposed to be this amazing friend to SD, and have no say in any part of it."---- This is your choice. You can choose to disengage. Love your husband, love your kids, allow the parents to raise their child in the way they see fit, and do not interfere, do not rescue them, do not be involved in her raising. Don't try to be her friend, unless you just enjoy having children as friends.
Focus on your kids, and make sure you are taking care of yourself. Make plans with your husband, include your SD on the weekends he has her, don't be awful to her, but don't try to be a parent to her. When BM pulls rank, which she will, proceed with your plans with your kids, and don't allow yourself to be sucked into babymama or SD drama.
oh ya to the previous
oh ya to the previous reply...i AM 9 months pregnant, plus we have a 2 yr old DD
Update: we got into a HUGE
Update: we got into a HUGE fight about this today! I told him I'm sick of him & BM making/ changing plans without me, I'm sick of always being the bad guy, I'm sick of him and SD being a team not him and I. He got defensive, and blew up as usual. Told me again this is how it's going to be. Blamed me for SD not wanting to come over because she's "affraid" of me! I said it's all bullshit, and I'm not out to get her, and he needs to step up and discipline her/ parent her like he does our daughter.
I just don't get it! As far as being a step mom goes I'm supposed to just sit back and watch him enable her? Watch a 10 yr old rule our house? Be friends with SD, not parent her, have no say in our plans, have no opinion on how she should be raised? What is the correct role of a step mom? I feel like i should be respected, my DH and I should be a team... not him and SD & BM. I believe there should be " house rules" that SD should follow. He feels she's 10, and she's already set in who she is. I say she's only 10, she should still be parented, she should have to follow our rules when she's here. What are step parents for? Are we really just to sit back and have no say in things? Let a 10 yr old do what every she wants? Not discipline her cuz she's gonna tell her mom she doesn't want to come over here? I don't think a 10yr old should just run ammuck because they're set in their ways and we can't change who she is. Am i totally crazy?
I had the same problem when i
I had the same problem when i first started with SO. I told him either I was in or I was out. I couldn't do part time involvment with the kids. He chose i was in. That ment we were a team and did things together.
He also would make or change plans with BM without consulting me first. This stopped quickly when I put my foot down. He know's now that I am the planner and know what is going on and when and he has to check with me first. Now some people find that over involved but that is what SO wants. He left the planning up to me and that's what works for us.
He used to kiss and sometimes still does kiss BM's ass so they won't deny him visitation like they have. He is getting a back bone and knows that the CO's are there for a reason and we remind BM of them quite often as well and what the judge said about denying visitation.
Sounds like you either need to put your foot down or disingage all together to prevent being hurt.
Are you the one who cares for SD? How involved are you in her life? I would show SO these posts from these other people and let him see what others think.
As far as the Dr appointment goes. I would leave it up to SD10. if she wants you there then you go for her if not then let them deal with it.
It's hard when you care about a child so much to not get your feelings hurt.