Again, I'm the one that gets f-d over by SD & DH
so we had SD this weekend.... when she got dropped off her hair was disgusting like it hadn't been washed since the last time she was here, she smelled so gross, and had poop in her pants! My DH was pissed! So to make things better i helped her take a shower ( she's 10), teaching her how to wash her hair, condition and wash her body. It made a huge difference and DH was so grateful, told me thanks so many times. SD was beaming and was so happy. Through the weekend I continued to do everything I can to bond with SD. DH told me thanks and how much he loved me so many times. We found poopy panties she hid in her room with the poop still in it, and made her clean it up. She throws fits worse than our 2yr old when she has to do things she doesn't want to do, head down, frown on face, whiney voice, slouched over.... its bad!!! My husband watches her do this and says and does nothing! She had 1 homework assignment that should have took an hour.... she spent all day Saturday, ay last 6 hours, and again 4 more hours Sunday and only had 1 of 5 paragraphs done. So DH told her to come in living room and we'll help. The whole time she was throwing a fit, being very rude and disrespectful to us. DH said and did nothing about it. At one point I asked her a question, she answered and i started to suggest something to her. She interrupted me and very rudely said "I WAS NOT DONE TALKING!" Omg i was fuming,i looked at DH waiting for him to say something to her about disrespecting me like that and he didn't say anything! Then she said " ok now I'm done talking, what were YOU going to say" i said never mind. She continued to act like a brat and DH didn't do anything about it. DH ran to the store and in the 15 min he was gone SD came out and asked for a snack. I said no cuz she's supposed to have her homework dinner and she is going home in 30 min. She got a total attitude with me and started to walk away. I said stop right there! Why do u have an attitude with me right now? She said cuz I'm always mean to her for no reason! I said that's bs, you just disrespected me and i called you on it, that's not being mean for no reason! ( the problem is she goes home and her skeeze bag of a mom will push her for anything bad she can get about me and call my DH and tell him bs like SD is scared of me and doesn't want to come over) its all bullshit games and DH buys into it. Anyway i explained to SD how it's not fair for her to be disrespectful to me then say I'm mean to her for no reason and told her to go to her room. I called DH and told him what happened. he's supposed to be the disciplinary and do something about it. so when he gets home he does nothing! it comes time to take SD home and he's busy cooking so i offer to take her. He said when she hugged him she was crying cuz i was "mean" to her again. so SD acts like a abused child the whole way home....i can see that she's just waiting to get home and tell her mom how mean i was again. so by the time i got home i was really hurt,i have done so much for so long and am always the one that gets f-d over... especially after EVERYTHING i did this weekend. so i asked DH for a hug and cried, told him how much it hurts. Then guess what?!? he turns it into how sad it is for SD cuz she was crying when she left, and how I'm the only one that can do anything to change the situation! he's yelling at me, I'm standing there baffled!!! can't believe this is happening! he said its my fault cuz i should not say anything to her when she disrespect me and " let him deal with it" i said that's bs cuz he was sitting right there the first time and he didn't say or do anything! he said thats cuz i looked off with an attitude and that was playing the game back with her and he can't do anything at that point. i said i looked at YOU cuz i was waiting for you to do something! so AGAIN he's yelling at me telling me how sad he is that SD was crying when she left,i said that's what she wants, you to feel bad for her! she should feel bad after the way she treated me! but as always he's mad at me, telling me how I'm the only one who can change it! that i should let her disrespect me and wait for him to deal with it,i say that's bs cuz i have done that and every time he had a reason to not talk to get about it ex: it was too long ago and now it's too late.
so wtf?! why am i always the one to get f-d over?! I'm in the wrong cuz i shouldn't say anything when she disrespectful to me? if anyone disrespects me in my houses i am going to do something! and i didn't do anything all i did was tell her that's not ok, he should have still talked to her! he lets her throw these huge fits and doesn't do anything, that's teaching her it's ok. if it was our 2yr daughter he would be all over her!
I'm so sick of this! it doesn't matter what i do, he will always get pissed at me, I'm always in the wrong, SD can't do anything wrong...poor her! she was "sad" that someone actually stood up to her and called her in her shit. he admitted he had guilt that her parents aren't together,i said that's no reason to not parent her.
what should i do? i just feel like totally disconnecting myself completely! he wants me to be all lovey dovey and be her friend, but it's hard when she's always throwing me under the bus and he's always taking her side! help me please!
First of all he should be
First of all he should be ashamed and feel guilty over letting a 10 year old disrespect his wife!!! No man should ever let his child be disrespectful to any adult that the child comes in contact with. If he does then it only teaches her that she can act any way and will lead to problems/embarassment to him and his family in the future. You both should sit down and lay some ground rules and consequences for her to follow and if she can't follow them she can sit in her room with no entertainment the whole time she is there. I would definitely go off on my husband if he sat there and did nothing. But I can't keep my mouth shut so I just defend myself.
so I'm not crazy?!! in my gut
so I'm not crazy?!! in my gut i know I'm not, but it seems there's no way to get through to him about anything regarding her! SD & BM are totally playing games and have him right where they want him. I can see everything that's happening and tell him but he doesn't care what i say.... I'm so sick of it all! Not to mention yesterday was my baby shower and was supposed to be a nice day kind of about me and baby, but as always it gets turned into a day about SD! I told him i didn't want her here for this exact reason, but of course him and skeeze bag make and change plans with no regards to me
after all this he ignores me
after all this he ignores me all day today, he's mad at ME! wtf?! how is that even close to fair? why is he yelling at me yesterday and fighting with me today? is it cuz he knows he's wrong or cuz he truly believes I'm in the wrong?
I think he clearly needs
I think he clearly needs counseling, with or without you. Have a read of this, it will help you from your end of things: http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
Particularly agree with the
Particularly agree with the errand advice from prinloel1. I religiously did this when my skids were children, and I do it to this day with OSD24 and SS. If they are in the house, so is DH; if DH goes off to work, they are out of here also. Saves an immense amount of aggro and pain.
I didn't read the whole Post
I didn't read the whole Post but it appears its another Dad leaving his kid behind so Step-'Mom' can take care of them.
The whole point is to be with Dad not you. Tell Dad in light of that revelation the he is to be with the children at all times. In the house if they're visiting - with him if he goes shopping etc etc.
I took my kids camping once a month (Southern California) just to get them out of our home and not overburden my new wife. Great quality time also.
i just asked him why I'm the
i just asked him why I'm the one getting f-d over again, and he had the balls to say that is SD who's getting f-d! she's just a little kid! I'm shaking im so mad right now! he thinks she's this helpless little victim. poor little girl got parented...omg f this! it doesn't matter what i do its always my fault. he doesn't care that i was crying and hurt AGAIN!
In a way your dh is right,
In a way your dh is right, but the problem is that he doesn't realize he is the problem as well. He sees what BM is neglecting, but not what HE isn't doing as far as parenting her. It's the classic, "blame the other parent for the kids' issues." They both will go on excusing her behavior, because she can't help it because the other parent made her that way and there is nothing they can do. It's a lose-lose. The kid is screwed. And you will be miserable.
This is a classic case in
This is a classic case in need of disengagement by the stepmom.
Dad does nothing, stepmom is being treated poorly, skid is seen as the victim.
Stop "helping" stop getting involved. Let DH deal with it all. With you in the picture, you become the scapegoat for everything.
I totally feel for you.It
I totally feel for you.It looks like you went two steps forward and then 5 steps back.I totally get your frustration.
{HUGS}!!!!! This is not a good situation for you to be in and as it seems that all your efforts are only rewarded with more frustration because your SO is only worried about SDs needs and feelings.That must be so hurtful and I wish I could kick his butt !But last but least , the only way to regain some power in this sad play is to disengage from her 100%.YOu don't have to make this a big fight because all you would get in the end is more hurt as he will get defensive and angry how you can turn your back on his precious princess.But in your case where you are permanently stabbed in the back I don't see another choice.Focus on yourself and on your marriage (even though I honestly think your husband is a total jerk).But invest into those areas that you can have a positive influence in.Next time SD comes over don't get sucked in to help with anything, stay distant but don't be unfriendly, just back out and leave him to sort her out.
thank god for all of you and
thank god for all of you and your support. I'm totally to the point where i resent all of them... even a 10yr old girl! i found out she called my DH and lied to him and said i told her she can't talk to her patents about me... and he believes her without even getting my side of the story! you're all right! I'm so done! f all this bull! I'm 9 months pregnant with his son and have his 2yr DD and he's still throwing me under the bus.... he is a jerk!
Buzybees, you are only
Buzybees, you are only resentful because he doesn't back you up.He is the cause of the problem.If he would listen and puts his foot down with his child you wouldn't have a reason to resent her so much.Those stupid men who coddle their kids to the max and kick their own wives in the curb should be taken away their licences to be a parent.They harm EVERYBODY- not only their struggling , poor wives but also their children by allowing them to turn into spoiled little monsters with an inflated ego who are made to fail in the real world .And the least thing they realise is that they also harm themselves big time on the long run since not even the most loving women cannot stand to be with them and their spoiled offspring for good.And the selfishness of their own kids will most likely cause pain and hurt for those over coddling daddddys.
I really hope that he reconsiders his behaviour if you would disengage .Maybe a therapy could help him to realise what he does.
More of all I can't believe that he allows all this to happen why you carry his baby!!!!!!
Ugh! How frustrating. Short
Ugh! How frustrating. Short answer: Read the book Stepmonster. Trust me on this. Second, counseling. If he won't go, then you just go. It will help teach you the words and approach to this. Even if you think you can't afford it, there is free or sliding-scale counseling out there somewhere. Please, please do this for you.
Best wishes...
Buzybee - my own DH would
Buzybee - my own DH would believe any BS my skid would tell him, even about me. If I corrected something my ss did and my DH reentred the room, when skid would lie and say he didnt do x, DH would believe him and go nuts with me.
Evidentally there was trust issues there. Apparently I was good enough to marry and consider having kids with, yet his small child knew better than me. Told him he would take a child's word over mine, so if some random child came up and lied he would beleive them over me? Answer: No. So what makes his child so special then? Answer: ss doesnt lie.
So the good news is when your sd says something insane which you know is a lie, repeat it as FACT to your OH. Even better if its about him and his family. I would also point out when your OH catches sd in her drama, lies and fake tears, that this is exactly what she does to you so dont expect support or understanding from you.
So any special days you have arranged that you dont want ruined by your OH's thoughtlessness should be held at a local friend/family house so your OH cant wreck it by springing thoughtless surprises on you - sd without running it by you first. If your OH has a problem with things not being held at your home or insisting sd is invited, tell him no. Seeing as he is entitled to make plans without considering you and your children before committing to plans, which is disrespectful, you too are entitled to make your own plans which do NOT include him or his dd. After all, you are being painted like a witch now. Time to redress the balance of equality in your relationship.
Then on those weekends when he expects you to help "poor" sd out (and yes I actually do feel sorry for sd, however her parents are creating a monster who lies and soon your pity will turn to severe dislike) dont. Your help really isnt appreciated, unless its the kind your OH sanctions and approves of and lets be honest that changes when HE decides to he doesnt like your attitude. So quit guessing when he will snap and blame you (usually when sd behaves badly and is expected by you to stop...which is too much work for her lazy parents, much better idea to terrorise your wife into submission for things to remain the same). If he does NOT respect you (he doesnt and this is demonstrated through his action) then he doesnt get your assistance.
DH until you treat me as your equal. Your partner. This includes trusting my word. Setting an example for others on how they treat me, most importantly respect. Considering me first including consulting me first before committing on arrangements on weekends. Stop berating me for yours and BM's shortcomings in terms of parenting sd and shooting the messenger of this i.e. me. I am disengaging. Meaning I will NOT help out with sd, including cooking, laundry, PU/DO because contrary to sd's and yours belief I am NOT your daughter's cook, maid and general dogsbody who is talked to like crap. I am your wife and SD's SM, and as such deserve some respect and gratitude. Thank you's dont cut it. Up to you if thats the type of behaviour you accept from her, but I will NOT be treated by you or anyone else in that manner. I have too much self respect. Before you say anything, I have one further thing to say and that is I dont blame your daughter for her behaviour, I blame you. I blame her mother. She is learning from example and the lack of expectations and consequences. Its sad because its your dd who will loose out and will not be popular if she learns to treat loving, good people like that with the support of her parents. All because what you want is more important than what is right for sd. Your loss.
Then when he starts making nasty accusations, walk away. You said your piece, nothing is more powerful from that point, than action. So carry through with your threats. Let him struggle with his daughter, let him feel the wrath of her rage/lies and the consequences of that. No family time, No family meals. Make sure you busy yourself, take yourself off to another room. Put ear plugs in. Invite family round. Ignore and do it really sweetly, so he cant make any horrible accusations about how unpleasant you are being while implementing what you have said (act your heart out). So sd asks you something "go ask your dad", she wants you to do something for her "no, I am busy. Go ask your dad". If she asks why you wont do x for her say "you were rude to me, lied to me to your dad. Until you tell your dad you lied and apologise to me in front of him, I will continue to not want to be around you." Remmeber He will only take you defending his accusations as an opportunity to negotiate/blackmail you into backing down from your position.
Guess what now?! DH isn't
Guess what now?! DH isn't coming home tonight! I'm so f-ing pissed! In the beginning of this fight it was because "I didn't do exactly what I'm supposed to do" meaning let SD disrespect me and not say anything to her about it. Now he's saying I'm lieing to him and it makes him sick " what i did to SD" f this shit! leaving me here 9 months pregnant while taking care of our 2yr old daughter. he's so full of shit he doesn't know what to do with it! last night when i dropped SD off i told her her behavior isn't ok, and it's not fair for her to talk shit about me not telling the full truth. SD called DH and told him i pulled the car over keeping her hostage telling her she can't tell her parents what we talked about. this came up last night and DH told me SD didn't tell him that, he just knows me so well he knew that's what i would do. I told him that's not what I said and again he needs to get my side of the story first before jumping to conclusions and throwing me under the bus. His argument today is that I'm lieing, that i said i didn't pull over and talk to her. I said no you're just choosing what you want to hear, i said i did talk to her, but that i didn't nor would i ever hold her hostage and tell her she can't talk to her parents. so yet again I'm getting f-d over... he's pulling bs out of his ass to try and justify his terrible behavior. Oh ya, SD left some thing here she need
ed for school, and after her lieing to DH about me she wanted me to find it and bring it to her school. f that! so BM and SD came over with no warning after school to pick it up...SD was acting like nothing happened as usual. I didn't say much, wasn't friendly, didn't help her find it... nothing! I'm so sick of her playing these games, acting how she does, lieing, and then acting like nothing happened! I'm so sick of DH ditching me and DD when ever we get into a fight about SD. what man does that? we've been so good, haven't had a big fight for so long, then we have 1 issue over the weekend and everything goes out the window! I'm putting my foot down, I've had it! I'm so tired of him blaming everything on me! if he would have done his part in the first place and put her in her place while throwing her fit and disrespecting me none of this wouldn't happen. not to mention that he listens to his 10yr old version of the story, doesn't get my side, and says he's disgusted with the way i treated SD!
oh and did i mention that he
oh and did i mention that he has the only debit card and cash we have?! and he won't give me any $ cuz he's fighting?
Wow I've been there, sd
Wow I've been there, sd kicked me, slapped my face, spat on me, what did Daddy do? Nothing! You need to make it clear to him, that there is behaviour that is never ok, there are no excuses, sounds like typical guilt parenting to me, he may feel helpless as what to do, he feels like you are attacking your sd, but your not, why should you tolerate this disgusting behavior? However much of this is the fault of the main carer, the Bm, if she dos'nt even check that she's clean, what else dos'nt she do, Sd acts like this becauce it works at home, you and Dh need to work as a team, there have to be house rules, my sd has different rules when she stays with us, she just accepts that things are different here, your Dh is doing her no favours by letting her get away with bad behaviour, how will she function when she leaves home? She won't, it is part of a parents obligation to prepare a child for adult life, this included manners, respect and how to take care of herself, your hubby also needs to speck to Bm about the lack of care, so I would say you need a big chat with your hubby, lay the law down, because otherwise this will just get worse, I had to threaten to leave before my bf changed thing, good luck.
Read STEPMONSTER as if your
Read STEPMONSTER as if your life depends on it. So sorry to hear about the bullying tactics DH is using on you, not coming home, leaving you without $, etc. As if the stepdrama isn't bad enough, how he is treating you and your two (almost) children seems emotionally abusive to me. I am so sorry. Hugs!!!
do other DH do this too? When
do other DH do this too? When they get into a fight do they ignore you, leave you, keep $ from you, decide when they're ready to talk? Things have been going so great with us for so long, then we get into this fight, which by the way I'm standing my ground that i did nothing wrong... he did. Usually I'll drop the issue, say you're right, I'm sorry,i don't want to fight. now I'm so f-ing pissed I'm not going to do that. But really do other DH act like this over a fight? Throw everything else out the window like this?
Sounds like the biological
Sounds like the biological mother is guilty of child neglect an I would call child protection, a child that age missing those basic skills there's something serious wrong there. Her issues will worsen as she gets older, her father should have her taken out of that situation as it sounds abusive on different levels.
cps has been involved many
cps has been involved many times... every time it's the same story. bm tells them that SD and everyone else is lieing. they listen to her and she goes back to bm that day. we've talked to them, cps says as long as the child isn't in immediate physical danger there's nothing they can do. SD has gone to a different school every year since kindergarten. BM is always moving in and out of bf house, patents, living with roommates... again cps said there's nothing wrong with that. DH says there's no way he could ever get custody cuz he's a man. we've even met with a lawyer so i could hear it out of someone else's mouth, lawyer said unless we can prove she's an abusive drug addict there's nothing we can do. our system is f-d up!
has anyone here ( on the daddy side) ever got custody? if so how?
the most recent time cps got
the most recent time cps got involved was cuz SD went to school with bruises. her teacher asked what happened and SD told him...(bm had thrown her across the room and sd broke a wooden chair when she landed on it) teacher had to tell school counselor, police, and cps. well guess what?! bm lied to all of them telling them sd is exaggerating. bm even got sd to change her story. so again they believed bm and nothing happened! that's like the 5th time they've been involved!
Tried to talk to DH today...
Tried to talk to DH today... now he's saying what i did was child abuse. he's saying i pulled the car over, held a little girl hostage and threatened her not to talk to her parents about what I've said or done to her! I'm so pissed! i said you're gonna listen to what they (sd & bm) say and not hear my side and just believe it?! I'm your wife, you should get my side of the story before jumping to any conclusions! he said he doesn't need to hear my side cuz I'll just lie!!!! omg! I've never lied to him about anything regarding sd or bm! can you believe this?! wtf! do all DH just take bm & dd side of a story without talking to their WIFE!?! what should i do? what would you do? i hung up on him in just so hurt and mad! don't know where to go from here. help!