candylou---You have let him know how you feel about not being invited to join him and that is all you can do. There is nothing wrong with him wanting to spend some time alone with the kids. He needs to find a way to balance it out where you are not totally excluded all the time. My own experience with disengaging still leaves me feeling very hurt at times. DH AND I both had adult kids when we met. I stepped into marriage thinking we could be one happy ,close, family. Was I ever wrong. Even with adult sk's there are the same problems as with young one'. IN MY CASE THEIR TIES ARE WITH MOM. Refusing to come around creates the situation of dad going to them. We did have a few yrs. of them coming around in the beginning. They needed money and dad had married someone who had money. They needed someone to take in their children when childrens service took them away and dad had a wife willing to take them. They liked that their children were having the new experiences of going on trips,christmas parties,halloween parties, getting presents , and being babysat at grandpas house now that he had a wife to do it. My intention was to prove that not all women " hate the sk's and mistreat them just to get them out of the way." My mistake , because as Ifound out dad gets all the credit for having found a new wife to do these things for them. When I stopped doing these extras[We never had any arguments, just stopped planning these events and handing out money} they quit coming around. DH goes to see them.We have been married 12 yrs. and the last 5 has been dh visiting them with mom always seeming to be in the picture. I think had I known this would be the outcome Iwould have preferred never meeting them to begin with. Iwas new to this SKID thing. They were old pros at it, having created major problems with the dh 2 previous wives. My dh could have put a stop to the situation but he was not willing to risk what little relationship he had with them. At this point it hurts to think I spend the holiday alone but it is only once a yr. and it would hurt more to have these people that have become strangers[Iwould not recognize them if Ipassed them in the store} putting on a phony act in front of me. Disengaging hurts but it is the lesser hurt when you realize that it frees up more time to cultivate the relationships that do matter. These kids have a grandmother so Ispend my time and energy on my own. Since Inever so much as received a card, present, thankyou, or the offer of a glass of water from them I do not feel Iam missing out on much.

Fantastic posts stepaside and snickersgal. I had no experience dealing with step anything so Iwas quite the novice. Inever for saw a problem with adult stepdaughters. Their dad had over 30 yrs. since divorcing their mom,and 2 other wives after that so like Isaid they were the pros. If I had better judgement at the time, Iwould not have stood up for or defended my dh when his daughters would badmouth him. Ihave yet to see the day he has ever defended me. I would not have bought, paid for,and sent gifts to his children and grandkids. In their minds it only came from him. His relationship with my boys has been one where they will come and help us to work on the home anytime asked.If he finds a tool he thinks would be handy for them then he just buys it and gives it to them. He does not feel the need to tell me. ITis a guy thing. But why is it as a female we feel the need to make sure dad takes it over, has his name signed on the card, and gets the pat on the back when we are dealing with his kids????

Sure, you might as well have BF invite them. At least that way you have a response for the inevitable complaints that their dad has abandoned them for you and your kids.

Good luck.

Cindylou the thing is that if your bf continues to meet them once a week they have NO reason to met you or come to any event that you are at. Does that make sense? I mean they know they will get to see their dad on his dime and his time every week so what is the point in making any kind of effort like normal people?

I would have a hart to hart with him about this b/c he is allowing his ADULT children to9 walk all over him and you. Really sad.

Candy my advice is to go EVERY week til you and they are comfortable. End of story. I know that you may want to disengage but if this is that much of an issue you should go with a smile on you face and make for damn sure they know you are his GF!!! I would just keep going and going and going. But I'm just like that. I would make my presence known very much so! }:)

Eventually they will start to complain to daddy and I bet it won't last too long before they will tell daddy that either he come alone or not at all. These brats need to know that they can't just do that crap. Plus daddy will see they have no intentions of being nice or making any sort of effort.

My question is why would you want to be a part of people's lives who could be so cold. You are fine with the weekly dinners and it's good for them to spend time alone with their dad. However he needs to put his foot down (like he did on his bday) and spend holidays and special occassion with you. Let himbinvite his kids and if they don't show, oh well. After not seeing dad for a few holidays, maybe they'll get the hint. An if not, oh well. The thing is- THEY ARE ADULTS!!! You came into this when they were adults. They have already been raised and don't need another mom. Let them cut their dad out if they want, but you shouldn't let them control your feelings. Don't let them hurt you. They don't want to come over? Yea! You don't have to clean, cook, etc. Did you marry him for him or his kids? Most of us on here marry the man for him and 'put up' with the kids. You have it good because you get your man an don't have todeal with his kids!

And from experience it is hard to change people's thoughts when they are already older. My mil started dating her current husband about 4 years ago. At that point, my dh was late twenties, sil was early twenties. Mil's younger kids were elementary and middle school age. He younger ones were more receptive and have a closer relationship with him. Dh and sil honestly had no care about it either way. (oh, and their parents had been divorced at this point for 14years) So it wasn't really about loyalty towards dad for them. Just like, that's mom's bf. They are married now and dh doesn't consider him his stepdad because he wasn't a 'dad' to him. He just calls him his mom's husband, lol. We visit mil so thy are nice to him when he is around, but they make no effort to grow that relationship. His kids are the same way. They visit and engage with mil when they visit, but that's it. They don't visit much as they also live an hour away. Mil is fine with that. She doesn't need to be a part of their lives because she marrie her husband, not his kids.

I don't know if I'm making sense at all, but my point in a way is who cares about them? They don't have to have a relationship with you an vice versa. Who wants thatdrama anyway? Your dh sounds like he prefers to spend time with you anyway. I mean there are reasons he married you, right? I think he learned his lesson at Christmas and you prob won't have those problems anymore. I for one would love to never see my ss again, but that's me!

I agree with purpledaisies - you should go. Maybe not every week, but maybe once a month or so, at least at first. You have been with BF a long time and they NEED to get to know you. Of course it will be awkward for a while, but keep at it. And you will get to spend time with BF on the way there and back. I mean, really, if you have such a strong desire to be part of the family, you should do it.

My mom remarried when I was around 25, and it was hard for me to accept a stepdad even though my own dad and I weren't terribly close. I resented that my stepdad came to everything with my mom and we didn't have any alone time with my mom any more. But in retrospect I think it was the best way to handle it because we needed to get used to seeing them as a couple, whether we liked it or not. And in time, we learned to appreciate what he contributed to our lives, and he backed off more and we had more alone time with our mom. It was never the same as before, but it wasn't worse, just different.

So I think your BF's kids need to see you two together as a couple whether they like it or not. Go with low expectations so that you don't set yourself up for a big disappointment. In their defense, it is a lot easier for him to go to them than for all of them to come to him - although a couple times a year shouldn't be asking too much. But go with an open mind and try to do more listening than talking the first few times. Show them you are interested in them and they should open up to you in time. It will be awkward for a while, but then hopefully it will settle into something at least civil. But what they are doing now is avoiding reality, and that's not healthy.