Do you ever get over it?
I'm mostly a lurker on here. Reading your stories and advice really gives me strength and resolve. I realize that many, if not a majority, of blended families look like my mess, not the Brady bunch, or Julia Roberts in stepmom.
I'm disengaged. Fairly recently. March. From sd18 and sd22. They suffered severe pas from bm from a very young age. This really screwed them up, and I know that really, this is not their fault. It is what it is at this point, however. And there were definite glimmers of recognition that their mom is cuckoo, and that they have been emotionally manipulated by bm, especially from the OSD. She knows what her mom is capable of, but always goes back for more. We were very close at one time, mostly when she was on the outs with her mom.
I made the mistake of peeking at her profile when my bio left her Facebook up. Ugh. It just brought back a flood of emotions. I find myself second guessing, even though I know there is nothing I can do to "fix it." It can't be one sided. I can want to the moon and back, if she doesn't want the same, well, it isn't happening. And it stinks! And it hurts! When they were little girls, I spent ALOT of time with those girls. Dh was deployed, and I'd keep them for the six weeks in the summer. I was a convenient babysitter, but, I didn't care because I just wanted to build bonds and ties with them. And overall, things went well until the OSD came to live with us (bm was an alcoholic.) it went great until we petitioned the court to modify child support. Then suddenly mom wanted her back and OSD changed her mind after a severe 48 hour pas session. After that, OSD kind of turned on us (I got the brunt of it, again, a deployment!) though we respected her decision (outwardly, in private we knew it was gonna be a shitstorm, which it was!) after that, well, it would alternate between being my BFF and hating my guts, depending on if she was on speaking terms with her mom.
For the past five or six months, honestly, I've been MAD. White knuckling this disengagement. But today, when looking at the pics of stepgrand and baby shower pics for the one due any day, well, I just feel sad. I've known this girl most of her life, I've tried so hard to be there for her, and I feel cheated! And sad! And mad! Ive been steadfast that life goes on...and I've been living a full life with my dh and four bios. but so have they and i knew it was the case in my head, but i find myself really mourning the way shit went down. It's such a weird mix of all of those emotions. And it's hard to shake. I guess im just looking for help putting it into perspective. How do you let go? Is this mourning normal? Will I ever be able to just put them down and compartamentalize them to the point it doesn't hurt? Help me get there!!!
Hang in there. Somewhere
Hang in there. Somewhere there has to be a brighter side to all this ASK stuff.
I guess it's harder for you
I guess it's harder for you when your husband is having what appears to you to be a full life with them, having two families, and your excluded from one of them.
It has only been a very short time of disengagement for you. As time goes by as with any loss, you will feel the pain less and less. They will become nothing to you, and people who mean nothing to you can't hurt you,
Stay off the Facebook page. That sneak peak set you back and hurt you.
Just give yourself some space and time. Interestingly, from the experiences of a few of us here, when we disengaged totally, eventually our husbands did to.
My husband is actually on
My husband is actually on board with this. Told him a few minutes about the sneak peak and he said the same thing...to stop torturing myself. He says that unfortunately OSD has grown to be her mother's daughter and is a total user. He is done with $$$ or gifts (other then little token gifts) because he says the only thing that placated them or makes them secure is when we throw money at them. I know I'm lucky to have a man who doesn't bend over backwards to please. I guess I just gotta figure out that the kids I spent so much time with are not the same people today, you know? My head knows this, gotta convince my heart!
Oh how lucky, lucky lady. A
Oh how lucky, lucky lady. A husband who gets it, supports you and understand. Not only do you have the ice cream, you've got the cherry on top. Give it time to get them out of your mind. They are not worth it. You cannot have a relationship with people who don't want one with you. Enjoy your lovely husband and family. Time will heal you, especially with your understanding husband.
I can understand how you
I can understand how you feel, but you have nothing to regret in terms of how YOU conducted yourself. You tried your very hardest with your SDs and is hasn't worked out - that is so not your fault.
In my situation, I do ask myself if I could have tried harder. Same story as you - my SDs were subjected to PAS by the BM from the ages of 5 and 7 - they are now 16 and 18. I disengaged after about a year and have remained so. I do not have a relationship with either of them - although I exchange a little bit of conversation sometimes with SD18 when they come EOW.
I know my DH would love it if I got on better with them - but it just doesn't seem possible.
I don't know how you let go - I imagine that over time it just happens. It really is the SD's loss if you are not wanted in their lives - you sound a lovely person.
Sambolina, just you
Sambolina, just you expressing yourself here is going to help alot of other lurkers out there.
I too feel cheated and I did give 150 percent. I was very close to one of my SD's and apparently I am now her sworn enemy.
If your parent dies, it hurts like hell for a while, then it becomes only with changing seasons , and then with life events such as births and weddings or when you are in crises and you just want to talk to them etc.
It will get better and if you want to stay healthy and well adjusted, you will start to accept the sad fact. Just like we have to with death or a devastating illness. Time heals but of course we will always have scars forever.
It really sucks doesn't it? I have such a bitter taste in my mouth just thinking of all the years I busted my hump loving and caring for his kids. But I still have to practice every day to say "they are not invited into MY life today" Why waste space in my brain with bitter thoughts.
It won't change anything and I have wasted another precious day of life that I can be at peace.
I am still trying to accomplish this. It doesn't help that SD32 tried to reinsert herself into our lives recently. It's been 3 3/4 years now.
At some point you will
At some point you will realize that she's really done you a favor.
Her presence in your life would not add in joy but only bring sorrow. I'm sure you look at the babies as little ones to love, but in reality they are tools in her arsenal of weapons to use against you. It really is best that you do not get too attached to them as I promise she would use them to slice your heart into little pieces.
Since she really has become her mother she is not someone who will make your life better. Enjoy your life and forget about her. It's her loss.
Totally agree with oldone! In
Totally agree with oldone! In fact lived this!
Thank you ladies!!!
Thank you ladies!!!
Thank you ladies!!!
Thank you ladies!!!
I can't believe how much of
I can't believe how much of what you are going through is what I'm going through!! The past year has been hellish for me as I've come to terms with the fact that my SKids don't want me on their lives. SD is the ringleader but the other 2 are going along with it so they are obviously in agreement. BM is in and out of their lives not from drugs but from being a b**ch. She's in right now so I'm evidently out. This time "out" also includes DH.
I have no biokids so I was relying heavily on forming bonds with Dh's kids. I thought they were on board with that too but they're not. I can tell you it does get better. I have only been disengaged for a few months but already I feel peace. I mourned the loss of my dream family terribly. It was truly one of the most painful times in my life. I had to deal with the reality of what was/is going on in my life. Really seeing the truth has been one of the keys to my healing.
Also, stay off her Facebook or anyone's that you might get info about her!! That has been the source of so much self-inflicted pain for me. Seeing all of the things I was being left out of was so hard. I still have the urge...sometimes I give in; sometimes I don't. When I give in I ALWAYS feel worse so please don't do that to yourself.
One last thing...go get the book "Stepmonster" if you haven't read it. I wish I'd had this book 5 years ago when I started on this SM journey. Hang in there. We'll get through this!
Beaccountable - LOVE what you
Beaccountable - LOVE what you said! i answered yes to every single one of those points also!