You would think I'd be used to it by now...
I'm upset with myself for being upset about it all because I really should know better by now...but, it is what it is.
So my SD12 and I have (had) a great relationship over all. She's at a tough age, going through puberty and all that goes along with that. To add to it, her BM does not spend much quality time with her. BM treats her kids like trophies, up on the shelf most of the time and she only pays attention to them when she's trying to impress others.
The lastest source of frustration has to do with SD's first Semi-Formal dance at school this Friday. The dance is on our weekend and BM has known about it for months and has not mentioned anything. Last night, she decided to tell SD that she wants to come to our house to help get her ready for the dance (she is a hairdresser). Of course SD loves this idea because it's time with her mom...I guess she instantly forgot all the talk that she and I have had over the past few weeks plannig what she'll wear and how she'll do her hair and makeup. ( I have done her hair several times for recitals, parties, etc...) I just feel like I'm good enough if mom's not interested...but once mom shows an interest, I'm out of the picture.
I know that it's her BM and that she wants her involved. Part of me feels that a BM deserves to share in those special moments, but the other part of me feels like a BM can only deserve that if she's willing to be there for the tough times too, you know? Just because my husband and I were awarded custody, does that mean we give up all our rights to those special events? It's just always been, I can participate and be involved as long as BM doesn't want to or doesn't put in the effort...if she shows any interest then I have to take a back seat.
At her tough age, she's longing for her mom a lot more than she has in the past. But I feel like its more because her mom doesn't spend the time with her and that she's just craving the attention she isn't getting. I've always just dealt with it in the past because as my husband always says...we do what is in the best interests of the kids and when they are older, they'll understand that our priority was always their well being. I just feel like it's beginning to damage my relationship with my SD. I've worked hard to have a good relationship with her, and these days it seems it's starting to unravel. If I can't share in these special times with her, how can I strenghen the bond? Lately, I'm only there for the discipline and the chores, and the day to day...and her BM swoops in to capture the fun times.
So, tomorrow, BM will arrive at my house to help SD with hair and make-up for the dance. If I choose to be there to "help", I know I'll just feel out of place in my own home. But I do want to share in the excitement of SD's first semi-formal dance...
This type of thing happens all the time...I guess I just thought at some point I'd get used to the feelings of being used, hurt, and rejected...but after 8 years it still hurts just the same.
Thanks for listening!
You and I share the same
You and I share the same world. Our BM always wants to know when we will take the kids. Doesn't want them unless she knows we have planned something then she will keep them, and tell us she has something planned.
I gave my FSD10 a birthday party, she wanted a slumber party.
she asked me if she could have one. Of course I agreed. We planned, sent invitations, decorated. It was so much fun. Her mom couldn't stand it any longer and went an bought a bag of decorations and sent them to my house with FSD10, and said she wanted to help.
She also sent the biggest and most expensive gift...to my house. She didn't give it to her on her birthday she send it to my house so everyone could see what a wonderful mother she is.
She has never given either of her children a birthday party. How lame!
My SO told her he would give her full child support if they could live with us. She said yes until someone in her family found out and shamed her into keeping her kids. She just wants the money.
Or let her family come into town and then she wants to show, how great of a mom she is and trashes my SO in front of the kids. Lies, lies, lies. SS13 says to us " you know mom lies".
I have come to the conclusion this is a woman really doesn't want them but doesn't want anyone to think bad of her. She is like the table in her dinning room.
Always set with fine china and silver and is never used. Just for the show!
It is so sad, because they are great kids and deserve better.
"I have come to the
"I have come to the conclusion this is a woman really doesn't want them but doesn't want anyone to think bad of her. She is like the table in her dinning room.
Always set with fine china and silver and is never used. Just for the show!"
This is exactly how it is with our BM too. It can be infuriating. Sooner or later she shows people her true colors... Karma is a bitch.
Why would you have her in
Why would you have her in your house? That is BM overstepping in my opinion. I think you should do what you want, if it is your week. They can do her hair somewhere else.
At the end of the day, your SD knows who does for her and who is just their for the good stuff. Unfortunately, she won't acknowledge it for many years.
No way in hell BM would be
No way in hell BM would be coming to my home to do anything. Just say no!
I have to say it's nice to
I have to say it's nice to read a post by someone who actually wants to be in the life of her step child. So many posts I see on here have to do with step-parents not being able to stand their SKids which I find so sad. I completely sympathize with you and understand your frustrations. I feel you really are doing the best you can in this situation and should be applauded for it. I'm a step mommy to my fiance's 3 year old daughter and while her BM is not in the picture right now, who knows what will happen later down the line? I've been here for her since she was just over 1 year old and do all the things a mother would for their child. Her BM is currently locked up and who knows how long it will be. We have full custody but we would never deny her the right to see her daughter (just needs to be supervised by court order). I think as a step parent, we are required to have a lot more patience and understanding because although we may do all the things a biological parent would, we often get far less recognition for it. The bond you have built with your SD will not fade just because her mother is in the picture. You've put in a lot of time and effort and I'm sure she loves you for it. We just can't take the place of a biological parent. You have done nothing wrong here, it's her BM's fault. Her lack of an interest in her child has caused a need for attention so of course your SD is excited that her mom wants to be there for this day. All I can suggest is to continue doing what you're doing. Her mother's interest will come and go but if your interest in her remains the same, she will eventually realize that you are the dependable one. Try and help out on this special day, even if it feels a bit awkward. Just remember that you are doing this for your SD and have just as much of a right to enjoy this day with her as her mother does.
our bm is the exact same: "BM
our bm is the exact same:
"BM treats her kids like trophies, up on the shelf most of the time and she only pays attention to them when she's trying to impress others."
and why can't the hair be done elsewhere??? no way in hell BM would come to my house ~ EVER ~ for any reason. you are a much bigger person than me.