Question for everybody..not sure what to do.
A little history...I have SD19 and SS13. BM PAS's them regularly. BM also has a bad habit of making plans for SS13 on DH's parenting time. There is a CO in place with specific parenting time mapped out. (SD comes and goes when she feels like it) Last year I was trying to make plans for me, DH and skids to go to a Christmas play. We were going with another family whom they knew. The only day that everybody could go was one particular day...which turned out to be BM's birthday. This fell on DH's weekend. Apparently BM's birthday is a national holiday, because the skids had to be with her.
During the summer, we have SS week on/week off. There is always MAJOR drama before that starts because BM doesn't want SS here for a week at a time. This year was no different. Without consulting DH, BM made plans for SS to go to three different camps. The first one was some church thing that BM and SS went to together. There was another one that SS goes to every year...no biggie.
The third was a junior leadership training camp which SS "really wanted to go to". BM signed him up without consulting DH. SD was working at that particular camp all summer. This camp fell on DH's week, the first day being on Father's Day. BM actually scheduled something for FATHER'S DAY! If DH did that for Mother's day, he would be drawn and quartered. She couldn't even go without skids on her stupid bday! SS indicated that he really wanted to go, so we talked to SD and decided we would celebrate the following Sunday. She was good with that.
It's October...we have not yet celebrated Father's day. This has been nagging me and pissing me off because of other crap BM has been pulling regularly. I've been waiting for skids to initiate something, but I haven't heard ONE word about it. Things have been kind of crazy around here, so I haven't said anything to this point.
This is my question...at this point, would you approach the skids and ask them if they intend on celebrating Father's Day this year? Would it even mean anything at this point if I have to initiate it? They're all about asking him for things...but they can't even get it together to give him ONE day to feel special?? I think part of me wants to do it in hopes that they will feel guilty. The other part wants DH to have a nice day. If we do anything, I'll probably end up paying for it (which means DH ends up paying for it).
I'm just not sure if there's something here I'm not considering. Should I leave well enough alone or should I approach them? Maybe I could just say, ya know, we never celebrated Father's Day this year...and see how they respond. This just got under my skin and hasn't left.
I would have to agree to let
>>>would you approach the
>>>would you approach the skids and ask them if they intend on celebrating Father's Day this year?<<<
Nope. I don't get involved with the skids' relationship with their dad. If all of them don't care about Father's Day, so be it. Can of worms and all that.
Maybe say something at the
Maybe say something at the beginning of June this coming year like "since we didn't do anything last year what do you kids think about making it extra special for Dad this year?" I never assist my skids with this and so far each year I've been here the youngest ss just buys his dad an xbox game or takes him out to lunch. Oldest skids don't do much except maybe text him. I don't even encourage my own kids to do anything, if they want to I will give them a bit of money to buy something but it's all on them now that they are teens.
My 2 cents!
I would let it go. My skids
I would let it go.
My skids never did anything for their father before I came along. This year I gave them each money and their half sister took them to the mall. The boys bought their father a tshirt that said, $5 Footlong with an arrow pointing downward. LOL. That's what I get for trying!
Ok..thanks everybody! I
Ok..thanks everybody! I guess it doesn't mean anything if I have to force it. I'm going to let it go. Glad to hear it's not just these skids that are like that!
Double...LMAO...you will never forget that gift!!
Stay out of it. No need
Stay out of it. No need reminding him or them that they suck. They all know.
My skids never wished me
My skids never wished me Happy Mother's Day either. My DH actually got me a really nice card and a gift because he appreciates all I do for the skids. I can't even imagine not wanting to celebrate this day with my mom or dad when he was alive. I REALLY don't get your SS making a big deal with his SM and not his bio-mom! :?
I don't think I'm going to mention it to them. I decided that if they have to be forced to celebrate, it means nothing. His bday is in December. I'll see what they come up with then.
I feel the same way as you
I feel the same way as you Calgon. It irritates me that the skids don't make a big deal about celebrating father's day, birthdays etc. and show their father that he is appreciated and loved.
But as you and I both know, that is what PAS does to children. BM's who are self centered and feel entitled to things, pass or PAS that along to the children to do the same. It's the me,me mentality.
I think I would have said to them "do you guys plan on celebrating....for Dad?" if it were June/July, maybe August, but now seems a little late.
But the holidays are coming up soon, you can still get the point across to them. You can ask and plant "seeds" in their heads to start thinking about their Dad other than themselves. }:)
They really don't appreciate
They really don't appreciate what DH does for them. Like you said, they're entitled. I also think that BM tells them we have a lot of money. DH makes a nice salary and I get disability (which isn't much), but after CS and bills, we don't have much. We have debt we're trying to pay off. They think we're an endless supply of cash. I've been pretty generous to them so far, but those days are done.
His bday is in December, so I'm curious to see what they do for that. That sense of entitlement makes me crazy, but DH has to keep reminding me where they get it.
Me too Calgon - I noticed
Me too Calgon - I noticed that Skids went above and beyond for BM on mothers day (I was with BM and skids that day, ugh, long story), but I ended up buying the gifts and cards and planning everything for Fathers day. I was a tad annoyed. DH is not demanding though and isn't that big on holidays, while BM paraded mothers day around all day long.
Do you think it hurt your DH or did it not really phase him? If it wasn't a big deal, I wouldn't really say anything, but wait til next year and start some kind of a new family tradition for Fathers Day. Brunch somewhere fun, a picnic, or something that you and DH will both enjoy. If you think it did hurt him, why don't you take the skids aside and let them know that you feel his feelings were hurt and plan a really fun "surprise" Fathers day with them? Sometimes kids need to be brought along and taught a little. If he never made a big deal about it, it may not have occured to them that they hurt him.
I'm not sure how hurt he was
I'm not sure how hurt he was about this. He's really hard to read on this particular situation. I think he's used to being treated poorly because of the PAS. It's funny because what he would want to do is order from a dollar menu at a fast food joint. That's what we did last year. He would rather not spend much money for his day.
I just feel like I shouldn't have to remind a 19 year old. He blames a good deal of their behavior on their mom and PAS, but I keep wondering at what age they should be accountable.
I don't know if they even thought about if it hurt him. They're pretty self centered...again, BM is a narcissist.
I would love to hear why you spent Mother's Day with BM!
Your DH sounds like mine:)
Your DH sounds like mine:) Not worried about the "stuff", but the thought is what counts. This is a hard one. I think 19 is too old to have to remind to do this sort of thing, although 19 year olds as a rule seem to be really dense. Maybe you can plan something with SS13 for a "surprise" father's day celebration? Nothing expensive - make a banner, cook a special dinner, and watch his favorite movie. Just let him know that you both realized that with everything going on the past summer, you all didn't get a good celebration in. If SD19 sees SS13 getting into it with you, she will too. It's too bad that you have to take the first step, but again, these are kids, sometimes they can be very dense, and you'll be setting a great example for how loved ones should be treated. Not to mention that DH will definately be touched.
As far as mothers day with BM....I just married DH in February and was drinking the "I am going to be superStepmom koolaid". I planned a birthday weekend at a resort in San Diego for SS12 and I didn't realize it fell on Mother's Day weekend. BM had a fit and SS12 wasn't going to go because she was so mad. Since I had booked three rooms and Sister in law, who gets along with BM, was going to be there, I decided to be the bigger person and invite her. DH chose not to go, but I told him to grow up, it would be fine, etc. It was fine, I actually got along with BM. Our problems didnt start until DH and I filed to reduce CS and SS to CA guidelines amount, instead of 60% of his income. Then it hit the fan and she showed her true colors. I love that she's trying the whole divide and conquer thing right now. Badmouthing DH to his family on the weekend and then emailing him like they are old friends that would be fine if I would just step out of the picture, lol.
Yep, that's how my DH is.
Yep, that's how my DH is. He'd be happy with a homemade card. SD is 19, but emotionally I'd say she's about 16. BM has kept her in a bubble. BM once told my SIL that she was going to keep SD in a bubble for as long as she could...and she has. I think I'm going to skip the Father's Day thing and concentrate on making his bday special. That's difficult because it's two days after Christmas.
That was really great of you to include BM. I've had that koolaid! I don't drink it anymore! The thing I like most about crazy BM's is they are their own worse enemies. Every time BM opens her mouth, she tightens the noose around her neck. We couldn't discredit her half as well as she does herself!
I agree, it won't mean
I agree, it won't mean anything if it's forced. That's the reason I'm not going to say anything. I wonder if they'll ever get over the poor me. I keep trying to tell them, cherish your dad, mine died when I was 16. When SS was asking if he could go to this camp, he even said that there would be a lot of other Father's Days. That's the hope, but not always the case. But what kid listens...they have to learn the hard way.
Ya know, that's a really sucky thing to have to get used to. DH has a way better attitude about it than me. He's been dealing with it a lot longer. Because of the PAS, he's just concerned with keeping ANY kind of relationship with them at this point. I bite my tongue a lot. They're not bad kids, but they're definitely learning to be entitled.
I have very mixed feelings on
I have very mixed feelings on this...
I believe that the custodial parent has a job to show their children how to give gifts and remember significant days...ESPECIALLY MOTHERS AND FATHERS DAY.
Now if the parents no longer talk - then I think if you can, the SM or the SD should take over...or at least try to instigate something if you can.
I organised that we all head to DH's fathers place for the day and I would cook a big brunch breakfast. (it worked well as thats where my DH wanted to be...his bio boys were not all that impressed by the scowls on their faces ALL DAY...and their refusing to eat what I cooked) 'find starve you little brats'
Skids turned up late that morning...with nothing for their father...not even a card made from the bloody computer....so I was so glad that my kids had given my DH some nice little gifts....nothing expensive...just some hand made ornaments....
I asked the skids if they had got or done anything for their father and ss12 said no with a big smile on his face...and I said quietly, 'well we will have to do something'
I sort of got the impression by his look that he was waiting for me to provide some dollars like last year....but then I was reminded by DH's sister that my DH puts $50 in an account that they can access every month for what ever stuff they need.....
In the end I didnt give them any further money....shame my beautiful man has to put up with such horrible biological sons....I feel so sorry for him...
yeah the day is past but, maybe you could use this as an excuse to do something nice for your DH...like a day up at a ski resort for a lunch or have them over for a Barbeque pit fire in the back yard...something you want to do that would please your DH...if they dont want to join in...or if BM has a stick up her arse over it....just forget it...
I say constantly to my DH....you didnt bring these boys up to be like this....the reason they are the way they are is because of your psycho ex wife and her disgusting values.... (and him not doing anything about it) but I dont say that bit. he should be able to fill in the blanks