Semi OT- Advice needed regarding argument between DH and my nephew, normal or cause for concern?
My 14 (nearly 15) year old nephew came to live with us in March. Yesterday after a 4 hour car ride to see a national attraction, the kids were all showing their asses. We were trying to get pictures and they were not cooperating at all. DH told all the kids if they didn't knock it off, we were leaving. Everyone but nephew got on board at that point. Nephew said he didn't need any fucking pictures. DH and nephew then got into a verbal spat. Nephew was completely wrong as he started it and ultimately told DH Fuck you, but DH surprised me by getting this really menacing tone and saying "Oh you wanna go there? You think you're ready for that? I think you're biting off more than you can chew" while stepping closer to nephew (although he was still several feet away from him). Nephew replied "I can handle myself, fucker." At that point I physically put myself between them and sent nephew to sit on bench to wait for everyone to be finished viewing attraction. As nephew was leaving, DH said, "Just remember that she won't always be around to protect you."
I told DH we had to talk now, and we walked a short way away where I asked him what that was all about. Nephew has issues and is in intensive outpatient counseling. I realize he was out of line, but DH should not be reacting to a child like that, even a teenager. I had no problem with him disciplining him, but it seemed to me as though he was physically threatening him, even though he never said so or touched him. DH said he would not ever hit him, but boys have to be put in their place when they try to dominate the leader. WTF?
Am I the only one who thinks this is a crock? Adults should act like adults, not kids. What do you guys think? Is this some normal right of passage or do I need to be concerned about my nephews safety? Nephew is an asshole teen but he's been through some very rough shit lately and I don't think DH takes that into consideration at all.
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The kid has tried to commit
The kid has tried to commit suicide twice in the last year. He's depressed and sees no meaning in life. That is why I don't see how DH proving some point about who's the alpha male is going to help anything. Nephew doesn't care and thinks he has nothing to lose.
Therapy is 3x weekly for
Therapy is 3x weekly for 3hours each session. We are in 1 hourlong session per week with him. I am sure this topic will come up. I was physically abused as a child and this is triggering some major crap for me. I was posting to see if I am out in left field and it seems like I am.
OP, I'm with you on all of
OP, I'm with you on all of your other issues with your husband, but I'm with him on this one.
Your nephew deserved to be knocked on his ass for the way he spoke to your husband. As a matter of fact, if I were in your husband's shoes, nephew would not be allowed in my home.
It's one thing for a teen to get huffy and have a bit of an attitude. But throwing around the F word?? NOPE, NOPE, NOPE
If your nephews "issues" have
If your nephews "issues" have to do with physical abuse than I think it was a very poor way to handle the situation.
If your nephews "issues" don't have to do with physical abuse, I can see where your DH was coming from and would say he wasn't quite over the line but was definitely dancing on it. Teens, especially boys, need to be put in their place sometimes. There are probably better ways to do that and obviously your husband was acting out of anger/emotion as well so I might be afraid that if that is the approach it could escalate quickly. If you really feel like your DH was in control of himself and would not have let it escalate into a physical act than I don't really think it was that necessarily "wrong"
I think perhaps a session with the counselor with just you and DH might help, perhaps you can discuss the situation and get feedback from the counselor as to the best approaches.
I do give your DH props for not allowing the kid to use his past as a crutch and for demanding respect. Perhaps there is just a healthier way to go about it for everyone involved.
Sorry, but Nephew would be
Sorry, but Nephew would be gone.
Parents aren't an option
Parents aren't an option because his dad (my brother) is dead and his mom is a drug addict who has not been in his life for over 10 years- she might be dead too for all we know.
Maternal grandparents are deceased. Paternal grandparents-well my mom is mentally ill and on court ordered treatment because she can't even take care of herself. My former stepfather is the paternal grandfather and he just gave him up to CPS in California, so that's not an option.
I have two sisters, but they are both young and single, I don't think either would take him in. They weren't willing to when CPS asked, so no reason to think that's changed.
So it's me or give him back to CPS.
Sorry..the nephew would have
Sorry..the nephew would have to go from what I'm hearing here. My nephew moved in with us recently and I let Mr. Starla correct him in any way that he sees fit. He was harsh on my nephew with only one thing IMO but I supported Mr. Starla anyways. Nephew needs to know who runs the show and it isn't him. Just my 2 cents..
Nephew is out of line and
Nephew is out of line and shouldn't be around your kids. DH went a little far, but the fear of god needs to be put in that kid. Otherwise, they honestly never change.
I'm in agreement with your
I'm in agreement with your husband.
If my
If my nephew/niece/kid/sibling spoke to my DH that way, he'd be out the door forever. Good for your DH for not taking his shit. Maybe next time he'll think twice before opening his piehole.
Next time, your DH might very well punch him in the face so maybe he'd better learn some manners and boundaries.
the inevitable penis
the inevitable penis contest... trying to see who's more of a man.
i agree w/ your DH on this. your nephew needs to learn his place. sometimes with hardheaded teen boys, u gotta "hit" harder and swifter the first time to lessen the chances of rebellion, otherwise they'll callous against it eventually.
I vote DH. It's a guy thing.
I vote DH. It's a guy thing.
Wow! It seems like I am off
Wow! It seems like I am off base on this one. My older kids are all girls and I have never had the pleasure of going through this whole who's the alpha male thing.
However, I don't like it at all. It may be because I was abused as a child but this is really bothering me.
I am not sure I will be able to stay out of it if it happens again with nephew and I know Heaven better help DH if he ever tries this crap with BS14. So I am gonna have to think about how to handle that if this is a normal thing that happens.
Poor DH....I was just telling
Poor DH....I was just telling him that every reply agreed with him and that some posters even said I should kick out my nephew.
DH instantly said, "Those people don't know you at all. You would get rid of me before you got rid of any of the kids, even nephew."
And I can't say he's wrong.
It is a guy thing. Young
It is a guy thing. Young nephew is testing his testosterone and challenging the herd stud. DH is the herd stud and is not ready for some punk newbie to take over his herd.
Ever seen a young buck elk taking on the older male? Same thing.
What nephew needs to understand is that kind of language is unnecessary. No one needs to talk like that esp when out with others. But he wanted to make very clear what he wanted and he would get it. And he would not take any prisoners as he mouthed off with dirty language. I cannot stand kids who talk like that. I hate the MF word. It is up there with the dreaded N word.
What you did was defuse the situation by separating the two of them. They will wait until another day for this to end one way or another. Nephew will get snottier and challenge DH. And he needs to understand until he contributes and can take care of ALL the females in the herd he is not the king of the herd.