Have I hit the nail on the head? Dad trying to block kids from coming over on his week
To me it seems like my kids father is trying to block my kids from coming to my house during his week.. By telling them they can't have the car overnight or in the evenings. I think... He wants them strictly week on week off with no variance
I posted previously about my 17 yo daughter getting her license. Her dad seemingly buying them a car to use. Him saying it's going to be a game changer for our driving problems.. Save some drives. The girls thought the car was mostly for them.
Turns out he won't allow this car overnight/, evenings here at my house. (because he says he needs it in the evenings even though he has a truck he's in love with).
We are week on week off with custody. On Tuesdays the kids stay at the opposite house for a year now to save on some drives. Sometimes the girls work Tues and my son has drum lessons in dad's end of town
All of the sudden my ex doesn't want to do the Tues switch. At the same time they get the license
My daughter has a boyfriend now and she said yesterday she doesn't like going a week without seeing him (when she's at her dads). However.... Dad is not allowing this new car to come to my house ever.. At all.
To me... It seems like their dad is doing a controlling type of power play trying to prevent my kids from coming over to my house during his week with them. Despite the fact that they're getting their license and I had hoped some freedom and independence in their late teen years
He also drives them to school and back on his week rather than allowing them to drive the car he bought for them to use?
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On top of this... My daughter
On top of this... My daughter told me yesterday her dad told her that she would get in trouble if she was pulled over, etc for driving my car while she was over here?? Trying to make it seem wrong?
I called my insurance company. I explained we have joint custody and that she's insured under her father's plan. They said she was fine to drive my vehicle.
I feel like my ex is trying to prevent her from having the independence to drive around with my car because it doesn't fit with his narrative of not allowing them to drive back and forth between the homes?
I feel like if I were to give the girls the freedom to use my car to drive to his house and back... That my ex would find some excuse like my car is not allowed to be parked at his house or something ridiculous. I guess there is one way to find out
I don't know if I'm overreacting however something feels off to me!! My ex husband was controlling of ME when we were married. In a way it feels like he's trying to control his daughters.
When it comes down to it I
When it comes down to it I have to allow my daughters to figure some of this stuff out on their own with their dad. However..... If they attempt to and he keeps being unreasonable or overly strict I may have to intervene somehow
What I think my daughter should do is explain to her dad that sometimes she wants to see her bf on my week and request to use the car in the evening on a night here or there. See what he says
Doesn't your ex live quite a
Doesn't your ex live quite a ways away? Week on/week off custody with that level of distance is a lot. Your kids are going to want to participate in activities, see their friends and partners, and not be tied to a CO. Your ex is doing an excellent job of ruining his relationship with the kids all on his own. These kids are 17; they are practically adults. If he doesn't give up control, he's going to push them away.
Yes he lives 30 mins away and
Yes he lives 30 mins away and in the countryside outside of the city. At his house they can't access public transportation etc. They can't really bike to town either. So really their car would be their freedom.
For now I don't know what to do at the moment. Start by telling them to have some conversations with him about if they want to use the car here and there for certain things. See how he reacts and go from there. And in the meantime allow them to have access to my car. Give them as much freedom as I can on my end. I guess I'll just see how that goes and work from there
But I also feel like he's
But I also feel like he's going to say my car isn't allowed there... But... We shall see on that front. If he says no it will be obvious.
I want life to be easier for them. Like they want to pop to dads just drive there. And vice versa. That's what I want. They want to see their bf or go to work. They can just do so. And school.
But strange to me why he drives them to school. Why not let them drive to school and back on his week to have some freedom.. Guess we'll see.
Could be wrong but your ex is
Could be wrong but your ex is more concerned about his ego and his little bank account than he is about helping his daughters have the independence that most teens have at this age.
He knows they're too young and too green to even challenge his overly strict rules about "his" car. He will not let go of that car and he will not let go of his reins over his daughters.
Maybe you can ask him what's up and is he okay?
Or better yet - to hell with him! If there's a way to get them a car to use as they please without having to deal with Daddy Lowbucks acting like a miserly gift giver.
Those girls sound responsible and they deserve to be treated fairly especially by their own father and he's really making them jump through a lot of hoops to use his car.
I also think he's doing this to spite you. Like wth are you going to do with his car at your house? Steal it or something?
When they're not with him on custody weeks....He doesn't need 2 cars. If he doesn't want to use his 'fancy' new truck he should have bought something more practical knowing he has teen drivers that need a car.
Unless these is some other valid reason for all of this .... He sounds selfish AND misogynistic
The only place he allows them to use his car is "conveniently" (for him) .... to go to their jobs where they earn money to help him pay bills on the car that's not even in their names and that they can't use other places they need to go like to school, etc.
He's completely taking advantage of their naivety
These girls are learning a hard lesson about men starting with their father who lied to them (that car is not theirs and it's not a "game changer" ... unless you count seeing through his charade as a game changer). And, he is being - imo based on what you've said - very stingy with them which is hindering their progress no matter how hard they work/how responsible they are.
I honestly think this is just his car that he's letting them borrow whenever it's convenient for himself which is how he should have explained this on the front end rather than lying and selling dreams
They could always do like these ex-skids over here and fake cry, play into his little mind games, asks over and over again, run multiple guilt trips on him....until they get what they want and need from him.
I have to say I do agree with
I have to say I do agree with all of this and it does feel like what's happening
My kids don't do the fake crying and manipulative tactics. If anything they're too naive and trusting which would normally be a good thing but ultimately they may get taken advantage of in life
See I've thought of what you
See I've thought of what you've said. Why not text him and figure this out. But then now I'm trying something completely different than I'm used to.
Which is trying to have the girls figure some of it out and stop solving the things for them. Also to take their controlling dad out of the equation so we just have our own things going that he can't control. But then it makes it difficult when he tries little ways to control things.
It bothered me a bit yesterday that he told them they'll get in trouble if they're pulled over driving my car around... Because my insurance said it's fine to do so. At some point maybe I DO have to say something to him. Of course he never takes any of that well and will just say that we accusing him or something so I don't know what to do/say
If he says you're accusing
If he says you're accusing him or whatever,
"If the shoe fits ...wear it."
Lilly, you always manage to
Lilly, you always manage to make me laugh.
'Daddy Lowbucks' really hit my funnybone!
Daddy Lowbucks.. Hilarious
Daddy Lowbucks.. Hilarious and true and he's also extremely well off. Just doesn't want to spend a penny of what he has
Maybe he’s trying to have some control
Over the girls.? If he lets them drive to your house, then they will be driving anywhere they want to go. BF, and or party's, the beach / pool. Become no go ,,stay out late,,, people. Once you pop the top, there's no going back.
More like a LOT of control.
More like a LOT of control. Op said the ex won't even let the teens drive to school ?!?
Ya I don't get that. I
Ya I don't get that. I thought that was the whole point. And he kind of sold the girls getting their license to me as it will be saving us some travel days back and forth between our houses with our crazy schedule.
But how he's arranged it doesn't help anything as he won't let them drive here on transition days so it means that new car is never here and we still always have to do those transition drives... Unless they were to drive my own personal car but he seems to be telling them they can't do that...?
At one point he said the girls can help drive my son to my house or school. Asking them to do an hour drive for their brothers purposes doesnt seem right
Hon, it's no wonder that you
Hon, it's no wonder that you divorced that jerk. Clearly, he's a bully and a control freak who loves 'pulling the strings'. The song has ended (you managed to escape) but the melody lingers on in that he continues to negatively affect your life through your daughters. Living with him must have been stressful in the extreme and, no doubt, contributed to your illness.
Right, grannyd?! I'd so love
Right, grannyd?! I'd so love to road trip to give that jerk a double Flying Five Fist Monkey Nut Punch in the hope it would dislodge his head from his backside. The asshat. *diablo*
Yup. We've both 'been there,
Yup. We've both 'been there, done that' with callous partners; the 'Double Flying Five Fist Monkey Nut Punch' sounds like a perfect remedy for an emotionally abusive control freak.
Pack up, Hon. I’ll bring the snacks and the wine if you’re willing to do the driving and provide the nut puncher. Anyone else care to join us?
Knee-high Harleys laced up
Knee-high Harleys laced up and ready to go. I do love a road trip!
I'll provide the post punch
I'll provide the post punch corrective surgery....
But I'm fresh out of anesthesia and my medical licenses expired
Lol
Jk
No worries I have the whisky
No worries I have the whisky you'll need to put him out.
Lillywy00, a Rip-n-Snip would
Lillywy00, a Rip-n-Snip would be sufficient. Maybe a pair of dirty socks to staunch any bleeding... *ROFL*
*Ahem* Don't forget me,
*Ahem* Don't forget me, ladies! You know my threat to pee on someone's mailbox isn't a threat - it's a promise!
Yes living with him was
Yes living with him was difficult and I didn't realize just how much I was being controlled by him until after he left and then I was surprised actually to realize that I felt MORE FREE and happy after he left and that opened my eyes a lot. That I felt better about life after he left. I would have stayed with him not knowing what freedom felt like. One day I realized that I could do what I wanted without his judgement and control.
However we still have kids together and are tied in that way. In some ways I think he wishes he could control me still however he only can through our kids and now the control is being done over the kids stuff which affects them
Perhaps just side step him
Perhaps just side step him and work on getting them a car for college (if they attend large campus/live off campus)
I could see your ex playing these same games for next few years.
You ex thinking he's "changing the game" but his overly strict rules could totally backfire. Last thing y'all want is the girls getting desperate and using Uber which could be unsafe or trading "bologna sandwiches" for rides (if ya know what I'm saying) ....
I agree. I have an ex like
I agree. I have an ex like that. A gift isn't really a gift, always strings attached or taken back. I don't depend on him for anything. Cars, phones, everything, all provided by me.
I agree that sidestepping
I agree that sidestepping will be required because I don't want to live my life or have the kids live theirs according to his controls he's trying to place. We don't need permission from him. Just want to live life..
When we were married I felt
When we were married I felt stifled and controlled by him. We had to combine finances and then he had to approve whatever I bought out of it. I didn't have my own spending money. And then I would have to ask him before buying. Then he was cheap and would say no to most things. I didn't buy much clothes for myself. If I did he wouldn't like it. He didn't like if I wore a bikini to the beach before. He didn't like spending money on items for the kids etc. Even though we weren't hurting for money he's just very particular how it's spent. For example at a restaurant no appetizer or dessert (just one example...).
When he left me and our marriage he was very upset when I got a lawyer, claiming why do I need one. And finally I had a neutral person to represent my needs
For example at a restaurant
This is actually one of my testers when I go on dates with men ...
If they're consistently like "order what you want" then I know they're typically going to be generous in financial areas
If they're consistently like "no we're good" when server asks about appetizers or dessert, then I'm prepared for a tight - walleted situation which I'm more likely to end quickly
I get wanting to be a bit frugal at times but all the time is overkill ...
Good thing you realized how his excessively penny pinching ways negatively affected you and moved accordingly
One example of his behavior..
One example of his behavior... We sent our 3 young kids to a home daycare down the street. The single mother ran the daycare and she had a 9 yo daughter. She once raised her rates for daycare. A few days later my (ex) husband noticed she had now bought a new car. He then complained why does this woman need to raise her rates so that she can have a new car when her other car was fine etc.
To me it just seemed like he was thinking about that in a petty way. Like it's a single mom who bought a car and she provides care for our children. It's none of his business how much money the car costs like he says some mighty say in what this woman does with the money she earns from us for childcare. Like he's not in charge.. I found it strange!
Just seemed like he wanted to pay less for daycare and that she didn't deserve the car..with the money we pay her... Or something like that..?
It sounds like he sees the
It sounds like he sees the money "he" paid for daycare was still his. Kinda like the control he exerted over how you spent "his" money - it was his, even though you also contributed to the household income.
He sounds very self-centered and self-serving. I'm wondering what kind of control he'll exert over college choice, majors, etc.
So... I simply told my
So... I simply told my daughter she should have a discussion with her father to explain or ask if on some nights she could use that car on his week. Perhaps drive it to school the "odd" time.. So she could see her bf after school, maybe have dinner there every so often and then drive back to his house after. Part of this I feel like has to do with my kids being able to express their needs to their father. Have those discussions. I'll leave it at that for now
This is just a thought...
But didn't your ex want you to pay half of the car for your daughters? (Serious question, I can't remember.) What I'm thinking is that you're the one he wants to punish. Thoughts?
Either way, he comes across as a petty, controlling, narrow-minded ARSE.
Yes he did want to split on a
Yes he did want to split on a car with me at the beginning. Thank god I didn't agree. It would not have went well. It would have meant us all being at his mercy. I've tried to split on buying big ticket items with him for the kids before and it never ended well. (laptops etc)
Yes... Maybe he did seem
Yes... Maybe he did seem upset I didn't split on the car with him so he plays the game like they're not allowed to use the car when it conveniences our household or me.
Exactly
Exactly
I never really thought of it
I never really thought of it but probably
I guess he doesn't realize it hurts the girls too
When you're as self-centred
When you're as self-centred as he is, collateral damage would never enter his head. All he sees is his target, you. And that is the reason that your daughters need to talk to him about what's bothering them and not you.
Good point. I am trying so
Good point. I am trying so hard to say nothing. I think it will get worked out eventually. Just wanted to know if I was crazy for how I was feeling about all of this stuff. Like am I imagining this or does it seem normal.
You are NOT crazy!
I've been following your blogs. You are NOT crazy at all! You seem like a very sweet, thoughtful, considerate lady... even during multiple challenges plus dealing with exH, MIL, and DH shenanigans. I 'm glad you're here on StepTalk!
Much respect to you, Yesterdays.
Thanks Step Ultimate! You too
Thanks Step Ultimate! You too
This type of controlling
This type of controlling behavior is so gross. If his daughters don't see it now, they will in retrospect and they're going to resent him. He could have any number of motivations, including a fear of the girls growing up and "losing" them, but it really doesn't matter because he's the adult and should be able to put aside his own feelings to do what's best for them.
I would encourage them to do what they need to do to be able to purchase a car of their own sooner than later. The less resources he has control of, the better.
Your sperm donor is an
Your sperm donor is an asshole. Time to give your kids the facts, bare daddy's liar PASing ass, and make sure that they know that you have their backs. Then... get them driving as the young women that they are.
Make sure that your idiot XH knows he is getting his wrinkly man sack nailed to a wall with the facts and that his kids know he is a lying POS.
Enjoy!
We didn’t either
We didn't let the kids drive whenever they wanted either. We bought the car, we paid their insurance, we put rules on its use. BM contributed nothing, and thankfully never asked for the conveniences our car provided. What we had to consider is that the more they drove the higher the possibility of an accident. We wanted them to have a car and the skill of driving, but that didn't mean they could use it willy nilly. If they drove it to BMs and hit her car, or got in an accident (she lives in the city, we don't), the expense would be all ours. If something happened in her driveway, she wouldn't have volunteered to pay.
Driving at night to see friends or dates didn't come up thank heavens,
When we finally did cave and let the car be used to drive to BMs city, sure enough, within a month there was an accident. And sure enough, it was our insurance that took the hit, our funds to fix the car.
I honestly don't think he's being a controlling ass just because he's limiting their driving, and using the more gas friendly vehicle (that he paid for) himself. He's not just inconveniencing you ( since he also drives them to school).
I'd say stay out of it. Don't encourage them to make Dad explain, don't sympathize with them about how unfair it all is and how unreasonable Dad is. Their relationship is theirs to navigate.
You are not crazy, your ex is an idiot.
You are not crazy, your ex is an idiot. I remember all the arguements he made for the girls driving when he wanted you to split the cost of the car and how much he has changed now. I agree, it is just controlling to not let them drive to school or to your house. That being said, I also think you should let the girls navigate this with their Dad. Since you are going to let them drive your car when they are with you, they will quickly see the difference in the two households. It would be interesting to see what he does if they ever drive your car to his house...
It would be interesting to
I am really curious to see how this will play out. Either he'll allow it or he'll come up with a really lame excuse why my car can't be left there. He has a really large country property so there's lots of room.
I feel like he won't like it at all. I find it all petty when it is things to make life easier for the girls. They're working hard and being responsible so why put them in the middle and why punish them
I'm definitely going to just
I'm definitely going to just leave this for my girls to figure out with their dad. I've been biting my tongue as to not say anything to their father. Typically I've been the one to organize and figure out everything. I'm going to sit back and just see what happens. I think everyone ha wondering why I am not getting involved
Its counter to what I normally do but I think it's a good direction to have them figure out some stuff directly with their dad instead of me working it out with their dad. My daughters keep saying why won't you talk to dad lol. I replied you can have a discussion with him.
So he had also bought them a
So he had also bought them a city bus pass. I'm the one who lives in the city. He bought it so he can drop them off at a mall near his work then they bus to school (on HIS days). It's pay as you go not s monthly pass. The girls were using it a couple times a week to get from my house to their job. They sometimes walked and biked.
Their dad got mad and said they should be only using the bus pass to get to the school from when he drops them off. So I went out and bought them some extra bus tickets. I find it weird too because the job they have is making them money to save for university and also they can use it for gas money so it helps him too but I guess he doesn't see that. Like he couldn't buy a monthly pass because it would benefit me also.. Lol. This man has a lot of money I feel like he is just cheap and controlling
Something not right with him
Something not right with him
If he would have just given them his old car they wouldn't need to be riding the city bus. It's a beater car ffs!
Idk what city y'all in but over here, the city bus is dangerous as hell and not safe for anyone ... underage girls especially.
Tight-walleted Timmy is protecting his money at all costs (over his daughters safety and sanity)
#misogynist
I don't understand why he
I don't understand why he drives them to the mall still and makes them city bus across town rather than just letting them drive separately. I think he's trying to control what they do or where they go after school possibly. Doesn't want them coming here? Cause why else he doesn't let them bring his car here... Like keeping the 2 weeks of custody completely separate??
" Gawd, exdh, what is your
" Gawd, exdh, what is your REAL problem? Why are you being so CHEAP with your children?"
Separate Homes
He bought them a car(!) and a pay as you go bus pass to cover all their travel expenses at his house.
He's not "cheap" by expecting you (or them), to cover bus tickets on your time.
we had the same boundaries as he seems to, and our kids were grateful for what we did. They certainly did not resent us for not covering BM's side as well. They showed gratitude to all parents for their help, as appropriate at each house. I would hope your girls aren't expressing that dad should be doing more.
Yes I know your feelings. You
Yes I know your feelings. You make assumptions about me. There's also a lot you don't know. Expenses I've paid for and he hasn't (like over 500 on passports). And I would have split the bus passes but he didn't ask. There was no conversation. He just tells them only use it to get to school from his house onky
I already know your opinion you like to have things completely separate between the houses
I see the girls as people not to be split in half all the time and treated merely as cargo going between places. They are people.
It is absolutely ridiculous
It is absolutely ridiculous to me to have for example bus tickets to use to get from dads house to school and then another set of bus tickets to go from school to moms house... If I were a child this would me feel.. Idk.. Unimportant some how as if money is more important.
As a parent I would rather buy and split a monthly pass and be able to say to my kids here is a pass.. Use it to travel as you wish.
I think a good plan for me
I think a good plan for me would be to just let the girls use my car and just wait and see for a bit how things go with the girls and the schedule and the car and whatnot. I want it to gradually become more flexible and less rigid for my daughters so they can come and go and do things they wish. I think having a license should award them a bit of new freedom. And hopefully not so contained by their dad
I love that idea!
It gives them the same privileges at both homes!
I'm pretty sure in Canada you can't insure them even if you want to (I think it causes confusion over which insurance agency is liable in case of an accident). What would happen if they got in an accident in your car? Does his insurance go up? How will you handle that? Not that you have to mention it to him, you've already confirmed they are covered. But that may be the next battle.
i do love the idea of them using a car at each house.
I don't how that will all
I don't how that will all work out with the cars. It remains to be seen
My vision for them in general
My vision for them in general is that they can easily go between places with freedom. They're 17. I think that is reasonable and it's what I'm striving for. I dont want them to feel held back all the time with strict rules between houses but be able to make independant decisions once in a while. For example the tues they work until 930pm. They can stay over if they want? The odd time? Like they're not toddlers where we have to say oh it's dad week so no you can't do this.... Also the reverse on my weeks if they had an event at their dads.. They can drive there from my house? They don't have to be treated like 5 year olds going to daycare
If my daughter was working
If my daughter was working until 9.30pm, I would be much more worried about the risk of an accident driving home because she was tired and less alert on rhe road than about her staying at another family member's home for the night. Her safety should trump any petty squabbles.
I agree. Plus they'll be less
I agree. Plus they'll be less tired for school etc. Their dads reason was that he misses them. I get that to an extent but they would get home at 10:15. Overall our schedule is still pretty even /equal. Plus the older they get the more busy they are going to be. With their school and jobs and life.
So at one point we give up slightly on this idea of "us missing them" to allow them to grow their wings and eventually leave the nest and create their own life.
Has he always been like this
Has he always been like this about missing them? Or is it a recent thing? Is he only just realizing that they're growing up and will soon be beyond his control?
Yes he has been like this
Yes he has been like this before
He never wanted to do week on week off even the kids were older. He would have rather stayed on the 5225 schedule and that doesn't make sense when kids are older... They're just shuffled back and forth constantly.. All their stuff and them back and forth constantly....
One time he had a 10 day trip with them. Then it worked out according to our schedule for them to stay with me for 10 days straight so said let's just do that. And then he replies he can't have them with me 10 days because "he'll miss them".
He says he misses them but
He says he misses them but what kind of a relationship does he have with them if they never discuss anything important with him and appear to be afraid of doing so? I can't decide whether he has built a wall because he can't be bothered or whether he's just a self-centred bully
You are right.. Their
You are right.. Their relationship appears to be somewhat superficial because he doesn't discuss things with them.. Or any deep sort if topics or anything like that
What I feel like is that he just tells them how things are going to be. I think that he likes it that way. I think he likes having his agenda and being in charge of it all but that's my own speculation
For him a lot of it is about optics I think
It's hard to explain.. It
It's hard to explain.. It feels like some ego thing. When we are out in public for example at the kids music concerts he presents this really weird fake image of himself (imo) where he's talking differently then he is normally does. It's a rigid stiff appearance. Like a boss or manager. (which he is)
Going over in front of everyone all of the kids accomplishments.. Dad of the year.. My husband had noticed it as well. This outwardly demeanour. But then in real life it seems like he tries to push many agendas with the kids without seeming to ask their input. And then whenever I ask the kids their feelings they always say they've not discussed it with their father (several big things)
This may not make sense but after we separated (2014) he went through this huge transformation also somehow and never went back to how he used to be. I don't get it whatsoever. And then for years I've been dealing with him pressuring me over all sorts of things. Where I feel like he constantly is trying to bully or interfere with things with us. He seems very unhappy. My being happy seems to upset him. Maybe that's all speculation, it's how I feel
He sound's like the
He sound's like the SpermGrandHag in our world. Happiness in others is Kryptonite to these types of people.
They lose their ever loving minds when people that they want to be miserable are anything other than miserable.
The car solves his problem
Oh driving thr kids to school. He doesn't have to pick them up. That ALL that car was for,
Exactly, but then he rewrote
Exactly, but then he rewrote the rules...
The topic of Tuesdays came up
The topic of Tuesdays came up with my twins. My daughter says, dad isn't happy about the Tuesday thing. I replied that what were moving toward is dad and I not figuring this out on behalf of them but instead the idea of my twins thinking about what they want and then have a discussion with their dad about how they'd like it. My one daughter said she wants to stay over here if she she's working. The other daughter said it doesn't matter she wants it flexible. I said the thing is have a discussion with their dad about how they feel or what they prefer. That they need to discuss if with them and they said ok.
The point is I don't want to figure this all out for everyone. And I don't want to discuss it with my ex any more.
I think everyone is confused why things feel different
I think that part of the
I think that part of the issue you are facing is that your EX did not want the girls working because it would interfere with "his" time. Them wantiing to stay at your place on the odd tuesday because they are working backs up his concern TBH. Now.. I agree with you that working is a positive thing for the girls.. but it may be that they need to be more mindful with their work schedules to avoid the days they are with their dad so this conflict doesn't come up?
I think it's fine to arm them with the knowledge that you have checked with your insurance and they are allowed to drive your car when at your house. They can tell their dad that they checked and it actually would not be an issue.
In the end... I think you probably need to think about getting them a vehicle.. helping them get it.. but I guess if he refuses to allow it at his house then it might be an issue still. Maybe it might be a good idea to tell him. "look.. it seems like the car you bought isn't available for them when it would be most useful for them..saving drives back and forth for visitation.. I am going to work with the girls to get one that they can use more often.. If I have to increase my insurance policy here.. I will just have to drop the help I was giving you on yours to be fair. "
The issue with your son's activities.. are if your husband supports the activity.. he can do transport on his time.. if he refuses to do so.. you can volunteer to do it.. or not have lessons on dad's days...
Ya the Tuesday thing with the
Ya the Tuesday thing with the girls is new actually. They had convinced their work not to schedule them during the week. But lately they've been given Tuesday shifts which mean it could be on his week too
The crazy thing about having divorced parents is how to arrange having kids that work and want jobs? And I think that the jobs have been so positive with them. I don't think them having to work the odd Tuesday on his week is a huge deal anyway. It's the same as my son having lessons on MY week.
There could also be flexibility.. The girls sometimes drive to their dads after work. Why does everything have to be so black and white when these are 17 year olds? They've managed it all and are doing good and have made so much money, as well as spending money and learned responsibilty.
To further elaborate the
To further elaborate the switching Tuesday was originally my idea as it saves us 2 drives during the week. I don't care either way now but I left it to the girls to discuss with their dad on what they want to do. My idea is that it can be left flexible. He's against it now. My daughter says she wants to stay over if she's assigned work. I really don't see a problem with that. I think at 17 it's awfully rigid now to say you MUST be at my house every day. The whole idea being they're getting older and it's not so rigid when they hVs busy lives. It works both ways actually for both houses. Of course I know there's others that stick to that court order. But as the kids approach 17 and 18, have bf/gf, and driver's license, school, college eventually, events... How much does a strict custody schedule make sense?? It feels a bit strict to have NO flexibility with them and their choices
The other funny thing too..
The other funny thing too.. Back before the girls applied to jobs. I actually reached out to my ex to try to discuss the idea of jobs. I said the girls are thinking about getting a part time job. How do you feel about that? We would try to get one with X amount of hours.. Close etc. It probably makes sense to be near my house and if our son chooses to get a job in the future it would probably make sense for it to be near your house. Does this work?
His response..... NOTHING. He didn't respond!
So. They got a part time job, 5 minutes from my house. They get about 13 hours per week. Usually not during the week.
I said to my son, what do you
I said to my son, what do you want to happen with the Tuesdays? He said diplomatically and calmly, "really it doesnt matter. Whatever you and dad decide together is fine"
LOL!!
But my son has drum lessons at the opposite end of town and I can't drive him on his dads week. My son doesn't want to miss drum lessons so I'm not sure.
Your kids are at an age where
Your kids are at an age where you are handing over responsibility for their own life. It's a process narcissists finding threatening. I really doubt they will have an ongoing relationship healthy relationship with him as they get older. They will get tired of jumping through his hoops. IMO the best thing you can do for them is to educate them on how to deal with narcissism. It's rampant now.
I think that he finds a woman
I think that he finds a woman with ideas threatening. I try to counter this by telling my daughters they can choose things.. Speak their mind about things.. Their thoughts matter. Their path in life is theirs. Sometimes they make comments like dad will be mad, dad won't like that etc. I'm just trying to tell them that how they feel matters.
When my ex left me he expected me to be weak and wither up and die. He thought he would be charge of it all. He wanted to basically write me off and just pay me an amount and be done with me. I found a great lawyer who represented me in a fair way. He also feel very threatened that I... Gasp... Hired a lawyer. For real. How dare I.
The other sickening thing.. I
The other sickening thing.. I feel like he asks for how I'm doing with my cancer for his own purposes rather than how I'm actually doing or feeling and to me that feels bad. At one point when I said I couldn't do something because of chemo he replied "you don't have to keep telling me you have chemo".. Say what?? Then he asks for an update how I'm doing and doesn't respond anything back really. So I just added him to my online site that I update. So I don't have to write how I'm doing with my treatments. I should have just not replied.
And I don't want to play any
And I don't want to play any cancer on card but the reality is I do have cancer.. It's stage 4 and not going away. It feels like life goes on the same.. He did at one point offer a couple of years ago is there anything he could do.. If I wanted the kids more often because of my limited time... And now he can't give up a day here and there? So what is with that?
The unfortunate truth is that my time is not unlimited and he will have a lifetime with them of seeing them marry and have children and I likely won't see that. I am hoping to see them graduate high school and at one point I thought with certainty that I wouldn't see that happen. I feel like I probably will. It depends how I respond to treatments. My whole point being you would think someone would be a bit more understanding but it's not the case.
I guess I will try to look at
I guess I will try to look at his POV... and respond in as respectful of a way as possible. I think when he got news of your diagnosis a couple of years ago.. he likely had his own preconcieved notion of what amount of time you would have.... and perhaps in his mind.. it was a much shorter amount of time.. and he thought that him offering up flexibility would be short lived in need.
But the reality is that it is now several years down the road.. and you are still here.. participating.. parenting.. etc.. and while I totally understand that you are thankful and blessed for every day.. and that you have to deal with the likelihood that you will have less time than he will with your kids (though the whole hit by a bus can get anyone at any time theoretically).. he may feel that he is not interested in a long term imbalance of relative "power" that you will ask for concessions for your situation.. when it isn't just a short term sittuation in his mind any more.
I'm NOT saying he wants you gone.. but as time has gone on.. he is less willing to make concessions because he didn't offer thinking it would be a long term concession on his part. He thought he could be "generous" when he thought your time was very limited.. now he is seeing that it's something that isn't necessarily imminent and he thinks he shouldn't be so quick to be generous.
You say he is a bit of a dbag in some ways.. so maybe he even thinks that in some ways you have been telling him things were worse in outlook to gain an edge and his sympathy to get your way? I don't think you are.. just explaining what he might be thinking... and it's probably because he is not a totally "stand up" guy.. and he sees other people through that lens.. how he might manipulate in your shoes.
No that totally makes sense
No that totally makes sense to me.
Yes I do feel that actually and that thought makes me feel bad. Almost feels like I have to explain or justify myself.. Why I'm alive still... Or else try to make it look like I'm a cancer patient
I reality he has NO idea what I have gone through, what I go through each week and it's hard to explain to anyone... How that feels
In some ways I almost feel bad that I haven't died and that doesn't seem logical whatsoever. Who knows why we think things sometimes. It feels weird that I told him I probably have a couple of years and now I'm still here. I wasn't lying by any means and now I feel bad somehow. He did ask at one point how are things going because basically it doesn't match up with what you originally told me and I replied that it turns out there is an immunotherapy drug that I was eligible for that is working really well
Yes why do I feel this need to justify to him that the cancer is real and what I am experiencing is real?
It kind of almost feels like,
It kind of almost feels like, ya sorry that I have ruined all of the plans because I am still alive when I didn't think that I would be. And I am a liar because I made it seem that way. Look at me I am still alive and doing exercises I must have been lying about it all and now I am living some awesome life taking advantage of everything
And you hit the nail on the
And you hit the nail on the head.. Because when I started chemo all my friends and family treated me a certain way.. Brought casserole and "checked in" all the time. And now I still have the same chemo and prognosis yet mostly everyone has backed off on what they did. So I go about my life the same way as the beginning diagnosis and nothing has changed with me but everyone else just moves on and for the rest of my life I just deal with this.
And I feel like it's probably
And I feel like it's probably the same way with anyone experiencing a chronic illness or late stage cancer. Eventually you just become sort of a nuisance that so much time goes on and you don't improve but just need continual years of care and understanding. And I don't want to be a burden. I want to feel loved by my family and enjoy life when it comes down to it
I mean.. at some point.. it's
I mean.. at some point.. it's true.. people will pull together in "crisis mode".. but meaningful and long term attention.. well.. people can't exist in crisis mode. I'm sure that even for yourself.. you are trying to not make your diagnosis the overal definer of how you live your life.. other than to value the time you have.. maybe a bit more preciously. But, you don't have the luxury of ignoring or pushing it totally away out of your mind.. because it is your reality to deal with.
I don't believe that people think you are a burden.. but they also may not have the bandwidth to maintain the initial rush of help... not too different than what people experience when they lose a loved one.. the casseroles come early.. but eventually people settle back into the routine of their own lives.
I know your friends and family value you and the time they have with you.. as we really should with all our friends and family.. but it's easy to lose sight of the fragility of it all unfortunately.