I agree with Maux that she seems to have self-esteem issues. When people are confident in themselves they don't generally feel the need to point out how attractive they are. I think anyone your SD gets close to will clue in to this insecurity of hers eventually. I had friends growing up that would say similar things, fishing for a compliment or an agreement, at the very least. It was ANNOYING! My plan of attack was to ignore the comment. Eventually, when they weren't getting the response they desired, they stopped making those obnoxious comments. Granted, they probably pulled these tactics on the next person, but meh, what did I care...it wasn't me!!!

Wow, this is a tricky one. I have a beautiful niece who is 8 years old. She has been told all of her life how pretty she is, and often strangers want to buy her a gift or give her candy because she's so cute. And if you ever tell her she's pretty, she'll respond "I know" with this little princess attitude. It's disgusting. So I can understand how you feel.

Maybe if you focus less on the pretty part of it and more on the fact that you have to be careful with what you say, then SD might be more receptive. Kinda like if you can't say something nice then don't say anything at all. Well, if SD always talks about how pretty she is she may hurt someone else's feelings because they aren't as pretty. IDK, this will probably only work if she is empathic though.

How old is your SD?

Your explaination and response to her seems very sensitive and heartfelt. I think it's one of those things that most kids learn little by little along the way as they are growing up. Some kids, like our steps, suddenly are shocked to find out they have been somehow less than perfect. Which I think is what we all try to avoid by voicing our concerns to the guilt parenting parents we are married to.

If I were to witness my own bios making similar comments I would probably make a light hearted, sarcastic "conceited much??' comment to let them know they were off base. However I certainly wouldn't take that approach with my SD, I can't the bonding and respect is not there. I think what you said was perfect.

I’m referencing my own childhood with this one… I mentioned about a week back that I had a nanny named Ms.Carmela… well she “wasn’t my mother” as much as we aren’t the mothers of our step kids, but guess what? I respected the hell out of her like she was my mother. She played a HUGE hand in raising me, and I respected her as an adult AND as a caregiver… but I digress…

When I was in 8th grade maybe? 7th or 8th… I finally had my braces removed, got the spiral perm I had been torturing my mother over for years (it was the 80’s people… cut me some slack!) and basically I was starting to think I was the proverbial sheeeet. Well Ms.Carmela over heard me and some girlfriends comparing ourselves to other girls in the class and she busted in my room, in our faces, with that VERY no nonsense voice of hers… “Umm-Umm… know what makes a person pretty? Being humble enough not to say so… there’s nothing uglier than someone braggin on themselves. Remember it.”

I may be paraphrasing a little… probably cleaning it up… but it was a lesson none the less. Almost too much of a lesson… I’m the worst person at taking a compliment! But I’d rather be humble than a snob… it’s never easy being the teacher, but I’m so grateful for the good ones I had.

Hmmm. I see what you are saying, but I don’t really know why. If she is doing it a lot. Like going around and telling people to “look at me, don’t I look pretty” I could see having a talk with her.

But I guess your example is what makes me a little nervous about this. I remember when my daughter got her senior pictures. She looked gorgeous. And she knew it. She picked out the ones that she thought she looked best in and was soooo proud of them. I could not imagine making her cry over them!! Ugh. KWIM!

or even just saying "Thank you I like that picture too", implies that she does like her image in that photo
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I see nothing wrong with saying "thank you, I like that piture too"

Why is it a bad thing to imply that she likes her image?

Stick,this is a post i am really interested in too.
With my step daughter,the comments made are particularly 'unladylike',and,quite crude to say the least(Generally,it's,'most men want to get into my knickers',or,letting people know how pretty she thinks she is)My step daughter is probably average looking,but,i find it quite upsetting when she makes these statements to others,and is then laughed at,or worse,made fun of because other's think otherwise.I feel almost angry on her behalf,but,i wonder why she has to open herself up to ridicule and humilaition from others,as like yourself,i have been brought up to believe that this is very unnatractive.
Perhaps it does boil down to self esteem issues?
Personally,i have always turned a blind eye to it and never discussed it with my husband,my husband encourages it if anything, and has placed me in some very embarrassing situations where he has played along with it,but i am very interested in how other's would respond.

I have a SD that is 15 and she is pretty insecure about her looks. She is a pretty girl but not striking or anything. She OFTEN asks me if she looks ok, does she look pretty, etc. If there is a good picture of her, she will say "Oh this is a good picture of me" or something along those lines. When she asks me if she's pretty I tell her that yes, she is pretty, but beauty is not all on the outside. I remind her to think about XXX (a girl we know) because she is freaking gorgeous but she's a complete B and because she's so snotty it makes her terribly unattractive. Another answer I give SD15 is yes, you are pretty, but remember that pretty is as pretty does.

'unladylike',and,quite crude to say the least(Generally,it's,'most men want to get into my knickers',
+++++++++
Now that is bad! yuk

Could you perhaps remind her that confidence is not based solely on appearance? Does your SD have any thing accomplishments or talents that she's proud of or should be proud of like being a good student or athlete or creative in some way? Has she ever pushed herself to complete something that was difficult for her, but she did it successfully?

I know it's just the way things are, but I hate the pressure that is put on girls to be attractive. It's like either you're good looking or you're worthless. I think in order to build healthy self-esteem, girls need something to be confident in about themselves that isn't so superficial.

I like what moonchild said about what the woman who helped raised her said. Beauty comes from within and vanity is not pretty.

Perhaps, if she's in or has ever been in any competive sport or activity instead of referring to "pretty" when you talk to her, you can talk about vanity in terms of a braggart in say basketball, debate or track or whatever.
I mean, jocks do that to a certain extent, but I'm sure you can fit the convo so that the point gets across. Or how about the nerdy kid going - "I am so smart. It sucks to be anyone who's not as smart as me." see what I'm saying?

I had this conversation with my dd several years ago-she is only 12. Almost 17 is pretty late to be having it. My dd gets many compliments as well-however she also recognizes that she also knows many other girls that are pretty. She also has a really great personality and is smart. I really work on complimenting her on these things rather than her looks. I can look at a photo of myself and think, "gee, I look pretty in this pic" or I can see another and think, "i look like crap". When people have complimented me on a pic, I might say-"yeah, i like this pic too" or "Its one of my fave pics"-I dont think that is being boastful at all. Truthfully I think I look bad in most photos so I am always excited to see one that flatters me. If your sd was talking to a much younger child, maybe she was just trying to make conversation about the pics-it sounds as if her statement was pretty childlike.