Tell BM I'm helping with SD's Christmas party at school or not?
At the beginning of the school year I emailed SD6's teacher to ask her to keep us updated on school events or any notes she sends home, as we don't see them sometimes. She's been AWESOME with us, keeping us in the loop. Last week she emailed telling me that they're having a Santa's Sleigh Decorating party, and if we want to volunteer to help out we can. So I signed up myself and DH (DH isn't sure yet if he can go). I asked if SD's parents have signed up yet, and she said she hasn't heard from either. I didn't tell SD6 about it because I didn't want BM to sign up (or not sign up) JUST becase of me.
It's one of those things that if we're going to continue to be involved in SD's life as parenting figures (as it doesnt seem anything has changed or will change soon), then we are going to be INVOLVED, you know? So please try to refrain from telling me that we need to step back, because I know some of you will 
Anyway, today I get an email from her teacher saying that BM signed up now. I'm still going to go for sure, and I personally don't mind being there with BM. I think she needs to realize that she has put me in this position and she can't expect me to not do these things for a child she puts in my care. She has started to be more open to me and doing things together with the kids, so I think this will be a good step further in that direction.
HOWEVER, I'm not sure if I should warn/tell BM that I'm going now? On the one hand, I don't want her to be blindsided and get pissed off about it. I can fake that I didn't think she'd be going because it's not her week with SD6 (it's ours), so I didn't even think of telling her...But on the other hand, I think she'll just not go now if she finds out, and I don't really think that's right either. It just gives her the opportunity to ONCE AGAIN refuse to cooperate with me.
Tell BM or surprise her?
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I think a major piece of
I think a major piece of missing info is whether or not BM is likely to cause a huge Public stink if she saw you there.
does BM normally volunteer at
does BM normally volunteer at skids school stuff? I never pictured this woman being able to find the time in her busy drinking, social schedule to volunteer at the school?
I think we should start a pool right now as to whether BM will even show up. It's one thing to sign up, but to actually follow through and show up is quite another.
I wouldn't bother telling her you're going to be there. (big) IF she shows up, it would almost be comical to see the look on her face when she spots you and DH. And she won't be able to act like a jerk because she'll be having to put on the MOTY show for teacher and other parents.
She would never make a big
She would never make a big deal of it while she's there - she'd be more the quiet passive-aggressive type then text the crap out of DH's phone after the fact.
The first school thing like this she went to was the Halloween party this year (SD is in 1st grade, did nothing in kindergarten) - so she must have had a good time or something. And of course she doesnt' tell us or SD's dad about this stuff, so it'll be a total surprise for her.
I do think she'll show up. She has to put on her hot pink heels and tight pants and strut her stuff for the gym teacher, right? Oh, and show how she's MOTY.
I'm betting she will show up
I'm betting she will show up and not know what to do or say, so she'll just continue on in silence, but her anger will slowly build up until she can get out of there and send some nasty texts to DH.
Then he needs to tell her
Then he needs to tell her that if she wants him to be 'dad' to sd then she needs to realize that yo9u are going to do 'sm' things for sd! leave it at that. That way she will get the point and wither she will stop having dh be her 'dad' or she will shut up!
I know you don't want to hear
I know you don't want to hear this, but you are not the mom. If she goes you shouldn't. If she doesn't than it is fine. Honestly why look for more drama in these situations? Let her do this one and you do the next one if you want to be involved.
I am slightly involved in stuff for SS but only because he came to me and asked me to chaperone something. He doesn't want his mom involved, so I am doing this. I am incredibly uncomfortable since I am not his mom. But, he lives with us full time and she doesn't do much with him. But, in your case she wants to do this, so let her.
I disagree, BM can't have her
I disagree, BM can't have her cake and eat it too. Steppingup is good enough to be the babysitter, taxi service, etc. whenever BM wants to go eat drink and be merry, but should let BM be the (only) mom at school function? No, no, no.
It's either all or nothing, BM can't pick and choose, if she wants to continue sending SD for visitation with two people who are not her bio parents, then those two people should be including ALL things SD.
Thank you, exactly my point.
Thank you, exactly my point.
I DISAGREE I am sorry but if
I DISAGREE
I am sorry but if her SO has asked or let her take on the “step mom” role in the home for the visitation and if she wants to take and active part in the child’s life then she has EVERY RIGHT to go. Who cares if BM is going. A Step Mom that wants to be a part of the life of the children is a great thing, a Step Mom isn’t just a door mat to take all the shit and not get any benefits out of life, isn’t that why a lot resort to disengaging; because they are not treated as an equal, not being accepted as a part in the life of the child. If she shows now that she cares for the child and it is done with the best of intentions then screw BM, just because she is going doesn’t over rule the Step Mom. Now if it was a mother daughter dance then of course the BM takes priority but a volunteer event at the child’s school, HELL NO. All that shows is this child has two woman figures in her life that care about her.
I understand why steppingup
I understand why steppingup is doing this. Bm can't just can't expect her to be sm to sd only when she wants and not when she wants. I get it step really i do. I would do the same thing though.
it's not about stepping just b/c she is not the mom in this case sd is not dh's and bm is pushing her on them ONLY when she wants them to have her and so she doesn;t have to deal with her even though her DAD IS in the pic. stepping is only trying to get bm to see that she can;'t have her cake and eat it too! Either she wants dh to be a dad to sd or not there is no in the middle! But of course if it were me I wouldn't want anything to do with sd at all. i would also tell dh that sd has a dad and he needs to let him be her dad.
however I do get what stepping is doing and why.
omg daizy I was just saying
omg daizy I was just saying the same thing we must have been posting at the same time. lol
I'm ok, as a stepmom, doing
I'm ok, as a stepmom, doing things that any relative would be privy to. Going to games, performances..things like that. However, parent teacher conferences and room parent type activities, imo, are for bioparents. My dh did sit in on my youngest bk's IEP meeting once, just to get a better understanding of issues and how IEP's work and things of that nature. Otherwise, it blurs the line,imo, between playing a parental role and trying to be a new parent. My ss doesn't need two moms...my kids don't need two dads. As for caring for ss, I do that for dh...and at times, for ss...never for bm, although she certainly benefits from it.
Don't you think that along
Don't you think that along those same lines, me being there WITH BM proves that I'm not stepping in to BE THE MOM? I'm proving that we can both be in SD's life.
As a biomom, I would
As a biomom, I would interpret it as stepping in as mom. As a stepmom, I wouldn't cross that line.
I get where you're coming
I get where you're coming from so I'm not taking it offensively but I disagree with you about avoiding a tense situation. I think as co-parents (she herself uses that word when it suits her) we should be allowed to all be somewhere at the same time in support of SD6. I think SD6 will absolutely LOVE it that we're both there.
And as I said in my post, our situation won't change...we're going to continue to take her until something futher happens with her biodad (we will support that). So until that happens, I will give her my support as a "bonus" mom, which to me means more than just babysitting her 4 days every other week.
As a BM I I wouldnt care if
As a BM I I wouldnt care if SM came and I was there also. I also know from reading here that there are all diff breeda of BMs. So I guess it would depend on what type urs is. At some point all BMs need to grow up and realize that they will always be mom if they li e up to that title amd that their child is incredibly lucky to have another person in their life who gives a damn. I wish my kids had a SM who could volunteer beacuse I hardly ever get to with my work schedule
I talked to DH and we agreed
I talked to DH and we agreed we won't mention it to BM. If the teacher says something to her, so be it. We're going to treat this as it's no big deal. When I see her and she is surprised I will just say "Oh DH and I wanted to do something to be involved with her at school, and then DH wasn't able to come. (that is, if he can't)." I don't want to lie to her but I want her to know that we're gonna treat it casually.
I'm trying to think of the best possible situation: BM shows up, we greet each other, and then let SD6 be the "leader" - show us where supplies are and such. Our attention will be focused on SD6 and helping her to decorate Santa's sleigh. It could actually be a fun time and a good experience for BM and I to kind of work together. Let's hope it does go that way.
How long has the teacher been
How long has the teacher been teaching?
This sounds like a free for all.
One kid may have 3 people there to help out. Add in all the other kids and their helpers and it sounds like madness.
I know first hand how hard it
I know first hand how hard it can be to get parents to help out. I've been a teacher for almost 20 years.
That depends on how many
That depends on how many people will be there.
I'm hoping BM adopts your
I'm hoping BM adopts your attitude as well. And I agree with you on teh double-standard (if it were grandma, it'd be no big deal) and also the reasons behind the insecurity. I think especially as women, we like to have control over our lives. But I also think that you have to live the life you have and realize there are other players in it, and when you have children with someone you never intended to stay with, you have to face that fact that there will be new people in your children's life, and embrace it when that person is supportive of your kids. It seems you understand that.
Stepping off my soap box now. 
I think it depends on the
I think it depends on the relationship between SM and BM.
SD14's mom wouldn't mind at all. She and I get along great.
The other BM(SDs 4 and 6) would go crazy. She and I do not get along at all.