I'm new here: After 4 1/2 years, I'm finally disengaging!
I'm new here: After 4 1/2 years, I'm finally disengaging!
It's great to find a place to vent besides to my friends. I'm sure they're tired of hearing everything on a daily basis. I'm sure several of you here understand that feeling. I'm married to a Disney-dad, and have BS13, BD5months, and SS7. The SS7 is an absolute terror, and he has been that way since I met him. One of my relatives referred to him as being "wild", which pretty much sums it up. We currently have 50/50 custody with a crazy ex who I've now chosen to now have anything to do with after several years of trying to have a civil relationship. My ex and I have always had a civil relationship, so I don't understand why others make it so hard. The last time we spoke, she called be a b*tch for some lies that her son once again told her about me (she believed him of course), and that was the final straw for me. I told DH that she is no longer welcome in our home, and that he must now always deal with her on his own.
There was absolutely no order when I came into their lives. SS7 chose when he went to bed, how much he ate (which always includes dessert regardless of his behavior), when my son and I stayed or left, etc. What a pain that was.
He still pees the bed at 7 yrs old, throws constant tantrums, talks back every single time you say something to him, argues like he's an adult, cries ALL of the time about anything that he doesn't like or want to do, whines incessantly, lies about everything, breaks toys and other expensive items, hides knives under his bed or in the couch (we now hide them all from him), steals and sneaks things to and from school, and takes 30 minutes to shower and 30 minutes to get dressed in the morning. And that's not everything if you can believe it.
He's already been diagnosed with ADHD and ODD, and he's going to finally be evaluated for possibly being bipolar. That evaluation is something I've been asking for for the past 2+ years, but if of course took someone else recommending it for it to happen. The boy's got a big screw lose, in addition to just being a big spoiled brat. His father believes in "picking his battles", which really means parenting when and if I choose to do so. This parenting style has resulted in the biggest spoiled crybaby brat that I've ever met, and I used to work with a lot of kids in a daycare!
I grew up as a military brat, so I learned how to discipline consistently, while still providing love and support to my son when it was just the two of is. I tried in vain to carry that over to this wild child without success. The major reason was that I received either no support or inconsistent support from his father. So after 4 1/2 years of trying everything, I went online to figure things out. And whalla: I found out about the process of disengaging. I had already started doing so in some ways before I found out that there is an actual word and method to it.
It's not an easy thing to do sometimes, especially when the little brat always gets away with being an absolute brat. But I just keep telling myself: NOT MY KID, NOT MY PROBLEM. I have to focus on myself, my marriage, and my other two children first! He has two parents, and they'll be the one's blamed when he ends up in jail someday. It's not my problem anymore! I gave it my all, and I'm exhausted. But now that I've disengaged, I feel much lighter and happier.
Wow, that was a lot, but now I feel better. I'd love to hear from others on their process of disengaging from their skids. Thanks for listening.
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Comments
I'm in the same exact
I'm in the same exact situation except SS has not been diagnosed because BF is in denial. If I disengage my house will be in shambles and he will probably wind up burning it down. I try not to say anything to him but he's so annoying and I can't just let him destroy everything.
I disengaged after I found
I disengaged after I found out that I have something going on with my health that gets worse when I get stressed out, and after I got surgery done to help for the time being, it can come back with a vengeance if I get too crazed about something. So, that's when I decided that I wasn't going to worry about someone else's kid anymore. If I wanted to do all the things I was trying to do, I would have had a kid of my own and then atleast I would have had some legal rights! There were so many little things that added up over time between SD, BM, MIL, and DH that made me finally say "screw it" and leave everything up to them to screw up!
Thanks guys, it *is* very
Thanks guys, it *is* very freeing for me. The clean house thing is one of the hardest things for me to, so I had to really think about how I was going to handle that. So this is what I do:
- As long as his bedroom door stays closed, I don't care how nasty it gets in there with dirty clothes and used pullups on the floor. The only time I care is when we have family visiting in the next bedroom. I then tell my DH that he needs to deal with it, or he's going to hear a sh*tload from me about it until it does get handled. Sometimes I have to close his door, but I try not to care. If I find crap besides toys, I'll throw it ALL in there and shut the door. It feels good to do it honestly.
- My rule is that I NEVER do pee laundry, but I'll do everyone's regular laundry IF they bring it to the laundry room. This applies to everyone. Since SS7 never brings any of his laundry down for several weeks at a time, he gets to a point where he runs out of clothes. When DH complains to me about it, I refer him to the basic rule, and point him in the direction of his son. And I always say to him, NOT MY KID, NOT MY PROBLEM.
- When SS7 leaves his toys out everywhere, I toss them into a box in a corner in my living room. I told him that if they are still there by the end of his week with us, I'll either throw them away or give them to goodwill. If it still gets out of hand, I'll get rid of them sooner. This has resulted in my DH noticing those items A LOT more, and he now gets on his son when he sees items still in the box.
- If he leaves food or dishes out, I leave it where it is. Usually my DH doesn't notice it as soon as I do, but he eventually does, and he then yells at SS7 to clean it up.
- I refuse to help him with chores and homework. If he has an important test coming up, DH knows that he needs to help SS7, or it's not going to get done. There are times when SS7 hasn't done his homework, and I don't care. It all goes in that box if it's all spread around the house, which gets tossed in the trash at the end of the week. If there's a missing assignment, tough sh*t. If he doesn't do the dishes, I continue piling dirty ones in the sink, because DH is sure to notice that when he gets back from work.
- And if there's something that absolutely needs to get done, and I cannot completely disengage from it, I let DH know about it in hopes that he'll handle it. If he doesn't, I try to find a solution that doesn't involve me being run over. DH doesn't like this part, but this is all his fault anyway.
- If SS7 asks me a question, I always say "Go ask your dad".
These are just some basic ideas that I've been able to utilize to keep my sanity in a house with a spoiled whiny crybaby brat. Whenever in doubt, repeat this to yourself (and your DH): NOT MY KID, NOT MY PROBLEM!
Thanks again for the replies!