OT - Dinner Guests
Married/cohabiting people of ST - do you check with your spouse/SO before inviting, say, your parents and siblings over for dinner?
My SO and i are considering moving in together at some point. We eat dinner together every night, and i stay at his place most nights when i don't have my daughter. It's a given that we will be eating together. He often will tell me "oh, my parents and my brother and his wife are coming over for dinner." Today he did it and i told him "If we move in together, we check with each other before inviting dinner guests. Right now, you can invite whoever you want to your house, but if we don't talk about it first i may not help you."
Am i the a-hole? He comes from a family with few boundaries. They come into each other's houses without knocking, they go in each other's bedrooms without asking. I come from a "call first and knock" family. The other day we were in his bed about to have sex and there was a knock on the bedroom door. It was his brother wanting to borrow a ladder. Let's just say things dried up after that....
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You have got to be kidding me
You have got to be kidding me! Of course DH and I would check with the other before issuing a dinner invitation. Anything else is totally bizarre. Fair enough to invite people if you are not living together, but if you are, everything of this sort needs to be run by your partner in advance of the invitation.
We are sort of in that hybrid
We are sort of in that hybrid stage where we spend the night together and do things together, but each have our own houses. I don't want to sell my house unless i feel confident the major kinks are at least discussed and we have come to an agreement. To me, it is all boundaries. Kids in the bedroom is a huge one. But, his family also comes and goes as they please. TBH, gatherings with his family are stressful for me, too. They speak another language so i am left out of about 75% of the conversation. Also, they are all close with BM2 so when they do speak English there is almost always praise for BM worked in. I have learned some of their language but maybe i only understand every 10th word. I feel like if it's my home, i will need to mentally prepare for dinners like that. He has them over maybe 3 times a month so i wouldn't give him a problem about it, but i do want to be told in advance and also have veto power if, say, i'm sick or something is going on and i don't feel up to it. I would do the same for him, too. He gets stressed by my family because they have different political views, so i think we are in the same boat.
What are the reasons for you
What are the reasons for you moving into his house, rather he moving into yours?
I'd be careful it's not so he has more power and leeway to keep up his boundary-less ways, than he would if he moved into yours.
The good thing is, i wouldn't
The good thing is, i wouldn't move into his house because it isn't big enough for everyone. We would have to get a new one. I don't want to make that change for at least a year. My oldest is out of the house and my youngest just started high school. I've had this place 10 years and never considered cohabiting before due to wanting to get the kids raised. But, my SO has a 10-year-old and he has behavior issues. His family is very enmeshed with each other and with BM2, so i just don't want to get into a position where i feel like a guest in my own home. I know from reading this site that it can happen easily.
Consider waiting until your
Consider waiting until your youngest is out of high school before you move. Will your son be welcome at these family dinners? Will they speak to him or ignore him as he does not speak their first language? Moving your son into a household where the ten year old has behavior problems may not be a good idea.
Pls hang on to your own house
Pls hang on to your own house! At least until you feel confident that your issues are acknowledged and resolved.
They speak another language
Are you sure you want to live with this? They speak English so they are deliberately leaving you out. English was not the first language of my first MIL, and her English was limited, yet when I was present she made the effort to speak English. If she spoke to her son in her first language because she couldn't express it in English, her son, my first husband, would translate it for me.
Different political views are not the same. BF understands the conversation and can reply. He may not like their views, but he can understand what they are expressing.
Yeah, it isn't pleasant to
Yeah, it isn't pleasant to have these dinners when i'm the only adult left out of the conversation. They have been here for 45 years, most of them anyway. His brothers went back to their country to "get wives" (it's a thing they do as basically women will line up to come here), so they don't speak as well, but even when it's just his mom, she prefers her own language. They are open about preferring my SO be with someone from their country. BM2 is from there, and that is why they are all still so close with her. BM1 is nobody to them because she is from here. In their homes, i completely understand that they can speak whatever language they want. And even with the parents, out of respect o don't make a big deal out of it. It's hard, though. Usually i just wash dishes while they talk. I really don't enjoy these dinners. I won't stop him from having them but i do want to know in advance, and if i'm just really not up to it, i want to be able to say so if it's in my home.
I'd be the a-hole to tell the
I'd be the a-hole to tell the brother "thanks a lot, I was about to get laid before you stopped by".
I usually tell family/friends "let me talk to DH first" before extending a full invite. Or, I'll ask DH if he cares if my family/friend come over tonight/this weekend.
Rumple, before you two move in together, make sure you come to a compromise on this. You know he has an "open door" policy and it would be unfair to expect him to be completely "call first and knock". If that's what you expect, you'll need to find someone else who is compatible. Perhaps it's a "between 9AM and 7PM, folks can come through, but before and after that, they need to call and knock" or "it's fine during weekdays, but weekends, they need to call first and knock". If a compromise like that doesn't work for one of you, don't move in together.
I agree that he shouldn't
I agree that he shouldn't have to compromise who he is completely. The stop-bys aren't as big a deal to me as the dinners. With the pop-overs, it's usually just for a few minutes and maybe one or two of them. It's the 3-hour dinners with 8 of his family members that i feel i need to be prepared for.
Also, though, with the pop-overs, it's one thing to walk in the kitchen but i still don't want anyone in my bedroom unless i say it's ok. That includes kids or adults. I have made the change at my house with my daughter, too. I don't want to ask him to "ban" his kids from the bedroom if i'm not willing to do the same. His were used to sleeping in his bed whenever they wanted. Like, come home from work and his 20-year-old daughter is asleep in the bed when she had her own room. Or his 10-year-old would watch movies and eat cheerios in the bed whenever he wanted, sometimes by himself. He has a TV in his room and also their gaming systems are set up in the living room. His kids have free run of everywhere else, but i need privacy in the bedroom. His son has seen me naked twice due to just walking into the master bathroom after we had sex, and that was when i realized i needed more boundaries.
SO and i definitely differ in our need for boundaries and privacy. Also, though, he has never been subjected to any of that from my family, so for all i know, he would react the same as me when it's not "his people."
Of course! Consideration for
Of course! Consideration for others who live there should be a non-issue. His family just walking in, into any room unannounced? Hard pass for me.
Knowing this you think he's going to enforce his kid into a no bedroom policy?
I like the compromise idea above...
Sounds like you're a
Sounds like you're a reasonable adult who knows what she wants and set up her lifestyle to get it. Why on earth you would entertain moving in with a grown a$$ man who has very poor boundaries AND has shown them toyou do much that you gave us a detailed description of his inability to keep them in line???? Keep your house and date the man if you must but be smarter and ask him to make these changes so they stick BEFORE you move in with him. So much aggravation could be avoided if we just stand back and take a hard look with our brains at what is in front of us instead of letting out hearts talk us into "if I move in with him can change him " thoughts. No you won't be able to change this family dynamic, only he can and that's if he has a good reason to go through the pain involved. Be one if the wise ones and don't set yourself up for a drama filled life that keeps you down.
I know from this site that
I know from this site that things don't get better once you are "trapped." He does seem willing to change, but i wonder am i asking too much? How much can one person reasonably change before they become an entirely different person? I like a lot of things about him, and he does try. Pretty much all my issues with him come down to boundaries. Is that one issue? Or does it permeate our lives so much that it's the person, not the behavior that you are changing?
Putting boundaries in place
Putting boundaries in place with a dysfunction family should not change the man too much, heck most of us around here find it extremely sexy when our partner puts us first. You are doing mental gymnastics to find all of this acceptable when deep down you know it not. Stop it, just stop. The book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend should clear up any confusion you have about boundaries and how adults use them to make life better, not worse.
I hope you are right. I don't
I hope you are right. I don't want him to completely change, but i don't think i'm asking too much. Having your bedroom be a place of privacy and being consulted before your spouse (or anyone you are in a relationship and living with) hosts a gathering at your home isn't that much of a stretch. And the pop-overs, well, that isn't as big a deal. If they don't call first, knocking and staying out of the bedroom shouldn't be too restrictive, right? Locking the doors should keep out anyone who doesn't have a key unless they knock.
Why are you still with this
Why are you still with this guy? Why do you keep going back to him? Never mind thinking about moving in with him.
Boundaries are HUGE and this guy has none. Not with his family, not with BM, not with his "fan girls".
Pretty sure you can do better.
You have an SO problem. That
You have an SO problem. That they speak english but speak their native tongue is rude and disrespectful. It is purposefully exclusionary and your SO is okay with it. He should be demanding they speak english or translating for you. Quite frankly I would ask my SO to handle it and if it happened again, I'd leave.
You and your SO need house rules, and quite honestly I'd ask they start now and be observed consistently before i was willing to begin searching for and us home.
I do not mind if my husband
I do not mind if my husband invites his adult children for a meal but they have to gave whatever we were going to have.
I am totally the A-hole. I do
I am totally the A-hole. I do all the shopping, cooking and cleaning so I invite family all the time. I don't check with DH first. I just give him a heads up. My family- Parents, brother and sister- all have a key to our house. We have keys to theirs. That is just how my family is, DH is fine with it. His family is the same way, we are just long distance from them.
I was talking to my MIL on Sunday while DH was on Duty and invited her out for Thanksgiving and offered to buy the flight. I just don't give a second thought to having family in our homes. I sent DH an e-mail after and told him what I did and he just LOL'ed and said sounds good.
In your circumstances I might
In your circumstances I might pick a day of the week, say Wednesday for this example, and agree with your SO that family dinners on that day are ok and do not need pre-approval but that you do need to be informed when they are arranged. Dinners on any other day of the week need to be discussed before hand and you will be free to say that it doesn't work for you and an alternative time found for it.
I would also talk to your SO about how his family excluding you makes you feel and discuss ways in which he can help you be more included. He can talk in english when you are there, no matter what language his family talk in to him (unless that person's english is not good enough to understand him, then he can translate so everyone understands). He can ask his family at the dinner table, to talk in english so that everyone is included. He can translate and sumerize for you at the table to keep you in the loop with the conversation if his family do not talk in english. He can directly ask you questions or bring you into the conversations. It is one thing for his family to exculde you but when your partner joins in and doesn't try to help you be included then that is an issue that needs addressing.
Finally away from these dinners he can help you with improving your skills in his language. Being immersed in the language is the best way to learn, but dinner table conversations can be hard to follow at the best of times let alone in a second language you haven't yet masterd.
It is great that you are learning his language and hopefully you will improve a lot over time. I would perhaps try to find a friendly relative of his with whom you can have some one-on-one conversations with to practice your language skills. As you get better try to build up these conversations with different individuals. This will help your language skills as it is easier to follow talking with one person rather than 6+. It will also allow you to show his family that you are trying to embrace their culture. In addition you are building relationships with members of his family which will help you feel more connected.
I really do want to learn
I really do want to learn their language. I bought some CDs i listen to in the car. I don't expect his family to change anything for me, but i do want him to try to keep me included.
Last night his mom ended up cooking at his parents house. Everyone was talking at the table and it had been about 10 minutes of me just sort of sitting there. Everyone started laughing so i asked my SO "what's funny?" He didn't answer then his brother said "nothing", and they kept talking. Later i told my SO my feelings were hurt and he was like "it seems like every time we hang out with my family you get your feelings hurt." He said he didn't hear me ask what was funny. He does have a hearing problem, so i said, ok. I suggested maybe a hand signal when i want him to catch me up, like i could squeeze his hand. I do try to fit in.
When we go to his parents, i wash dishes, sweep the floor, clean the table, and move chairs. I ask his mom what i can do to help more, but she and his sisters-in-law are a tight group who i really have to keep bugging to get them to tell me how to help. It's considered rude not to help, so i will just try to do what i can find needs doing, but half the time I just do it wrong and one of them will be like "just let me do it" and i'll get out of the way. It's really awkward. His dad does try to keep me involved in the conversation, more so than anyone. I don't see how my SO doesn't realize how awkward it is for me around his family. He doesn't seem to understand at all. They were much more rude to his other American girlfriends so he's like "what more do you want?"
Sadly our partners do not
Sadly our partners do not come in isolation. They come with kids and families. Sometimes problems with the kids or the families that are partners are not willing to work on improving make these relationships not worth staying in.
This family sounds like a lot of hard work, which might be manegable if your partner were willing to advocate for you and insist his family include you more. It seems he is oblivious to your needs.
Firstly, get yourself some
Firstly, get yourself some real lessons. You need the challenge - listening to CDs is way too passive. I've taught English to non-english speakers. Learning a language takes interaction, it doesn't happen by osmosis.
Secondly, your bf only dates Americans?
I'll see what i can find. And
I'll see what i can find. And no, he has dated others. BM2 was from his country. His family just really prefers him to date within his own nationality.
Passive aggressive bunch aren
Passive aggressive bunch aren't they.