well my last blog gave a brief run down on how i became a young mum plus a step parent.it also illustrated the struggle my now hubby has gone through with his ex and his daughter. but i felt it didn't really illustrate the emotions of those few years or even the place that i have found my little family to be in now ( that being the mental and emotional place).

you see in the beginning i completely adored my now step daugher ( known as c for furture reference) which is why i feel completely misserble now by the fact that simply knowing shes in exsistence makes my blood boil that sounds horrible and is the reason i would like to try an clarify my thoughts and feelings but also to let you all get to know me and my back ground better, also it helps so much to have a place to open up in.

now in the beginning i didn't really feel like a step anything, you see i was friends first with my now hubby and his ex and so had babysat for c while she was still a baby so when i had helped my friend through his breakup ( they weren't married just difacto) and then a romance sprung up between us it was fun having the working week to our seves and then on weekends having c i didn't do anything but play with her and feed her my now hubby did everything as she was his daughter and i just the girlfriend. i didn't even truely begin to think of step parenting until much later. so when hubby and i found out we were going to have our own bundle of joy i completely freaked out as i was feeling completely insecure in the relationship due to it happening so quickly after hubbys split from a heavy 4 year relationship. i became so completely involved in the pregnancy and trying to make mine and hubby's relationship a solid one that when the first lot of struggles with the ex and his daughter came up and my hubby was ready to walk away i wouldn't let him i pushed for him to get access and what i thought where his simple rights as a biological father ( who was non abusive or harmful in anyway) as i thought this is what i had to do being his partner i didn't realise that taking this action would put so much strain on us as a new couple but also on us the growing family unit. we had so much emotional stress followed closly by finacial stress as the courts are not cheap nor are the lawyers. the court procidings became a he said she said battle where the exs took it as a chance to get back at each other and the issue of the time c should spend with each biological parent was lost due to the unresolved issues of my hubby and his ex. the issues this raised for me where: would my hubby treat our kids the same where they would become a pawn in a battle of the exs to be used and not thought of, did he still love and care deeply for his ex and so dragged out the proceddings to spend more time with her( i still have issues with whether or not my hubby loves his ex) i had my first lot of resentment here, i started to hate the ex for her causing so much stress more then i could have imagined. i didn't like that my hubby was taken away from my family to deal with her or the child and i didn't like that our money was not benefitting my child. after this round of courts i thought the issues had been laid to rest but i felt so insecure due to getting involved in something that i felt was beyond my years. but i stuck it out as i felt i owed it to c to make her unfortunate situation better. you see i am a child of divorce and come from a large blended family. my parents had a very nasty messy divorce when i was 4 where my dad had won custody but i didn't want to stay so he gave me to my mother( poor judgment on my part) my parents can't even stand to be in the same room as each other and haven't even truely spoken in over 20 years and don't really look to be making amends anytime soon.but on my mothers side i have an older adopted brother, an older half brother ( same mum different dad), an older sister ( same parents) and two younger half sisters ( same mum different dad) also on my dads side i have 2 half siblings i don't really know. i didn't have a chance to get to know my dad and truely resented this as i don't know a whole lot about the people i come from as my mother hated my father so much that she poisoned me against getting to know him saying things like he never wanted me and thats why he left my mum, said that he was abusive and had cheated on her etc . i now have a great relationship with my dad that took a very long time to build up after years of avoidence.and the issues this has caused me are unbearable. so with this my background i didn't want it to be c when she grew up so i pushed my hubby to fight. after having my first son ( know as q for future reference) i wanted so much to have more of c around as i had a boy and when she was around a girl plus a hard working loving partner a home and things appeared peachy.

little did i know that during the next few years my partner would go through a number of different jobs, my experience of being a young mum would be not how i had hoped and that i would grow to resent living in my partners house that his ex and his parents had brought.my now hubby and i began our relationship very quickly and it seemed to steamroll from there we got together quickly, we moved in quickly and then were having a baby very quickly all of it unplanned all of it unstable. i was suddenly a full time stay at home mum whoes friends didn't think it cool to hang out with a baby so i saw less of , i didn't know at that time if i cared enough for my partner to stick out the drama his ex was causing. these thoughts had plagued me for years that was until hubby and i decided to trial a seperation and to slow down and regroup did i realise that i did indeed love him and wanted to be with him always.

in came an other little bundle of joy very much planned and wanted( known as j for future reference) but along with it also came the increased stress of the ex who we where suspecting of neglect of c, so when our little one was around 6 months and c was just over 3 years which is around the time of mine and hubby's wedding we went to court again based on what c ahd said about her bm and physical evidence. again this dredged up the old issues of mine along with new ones that c was trying to distroy my family and that she hated me as she began to say all sorts of nasty things which the bm would use in court like i had left her out side at night, that i didn't love her cause i didn't give her stuff all the time, we had a feeling that bm was making c say these things but could not prove it but it didn't help my insecurities. this round of court had depleted our savings and put us into debt with family as we borrowed money to cover costs, it also put strain on hubby and his job as he needed time off work to be at court it also changed to family dinamics dramaticly as c came to live with us for a short while during the hearings which meant i went from having 2 little boys under 2 to suddenly 3 children under 4. in the end a family physcologist founded that c had made it all up to get attention and that she didn't know she was doing wrong due to her age but that she needed more stability and bm needed councilling to help her deal with being a single parent ( she hasn't done this not to my knowledge) i felt so horrible that we had lived with the issue that one of our children could have been neglected or even abused all to find out it wasn't true i felt so drained and empty as the proceedings took over 2 years back and forth from court and physcologists etc and i believe this is when i first started not wanting what i considered to be a little monster in my life. my hubby also felt that he could not believe a word out of c mouth and this started to form a gap growing between him and her.but on the same token i felt i still owed c and that this behaviour was a result of poor parenting so i felt i needed to work harder to help her and be there for her in every way i could. the problem with this is that i do indeed love my step daughter but i don't very well like the person that she is becoming i love her for being a part of my partner but other then that i can't stand her.

my mother in law asked me once why do i work so hard when both of c's own biological parents don't and i told her if i don't who would... i have found through this mentallity i feel that i am working hard for someone elses mistakes as if by making c life better it might correct the problems from my own childhood.

i understand that some of my issues with being a step parent stem from my own childhood issues and i feel that is what drives me to make change and to work harder.

i don't like the ex for a number of reasons first and foremost she hurt my hubby by cutting c off from him. secondly because she has history with my hubby a part of his life i can't touch and i resent this as i feel that i left my past behind which spares his feelings( me and my ex where still close friends when i started with hubby but have since stopped seeing each other all together) but he gets to shove his past in my face every other weekend, hoildays and anytime that cow rears her ugly head. and thirdly she reminds me so much of the pain my own mother inflected on my own life i can't ever hate my mother as she is that my mother but i find that by seeing her reflected in my hubby's ex i feel validated in hating the ex and not hurting my mother.( if that makes sence)

the last few years have been hard where the ex is concerned we have had to deal with finacial issue due to the costs of court proceddings and the time and energy they take which doesn't help when you have to pay the same woman your fighting child maintence which is another issue i see the ex dressed nicely hair done make uo plus new gadgets etc and c comes in rags or close to and is filthy i feel cm takes away resources from my own children which adds to my growing resentment of c as we are a single income household. also with my issues of living in the exs shadow and always wondering if hubby still strongly cares for the ex damn nears kill me. i know that hubby and i don't have a perfect relationship and may never but then what is perfect but i would like to get to a place where we are at peace and don't feel afflected by the ex and the issues of c being on track to be the worlds next physco.

i would love to say that i can freely love my sd and that we have a strong bond but since the last lot of court where my mothering came under fire due to c lies i cannot yet i still feel obligeted to her and i cannot stand this i love my hubby to death but i feel i got the short end of the stick by taking on his burden which i now can't walk away from...

i don't like that my life hasn't gone the way i planned not due to my horrible action but due to what i thought was the right thing to do, so for anyone who has read all of this and i give you thanks why do we the caring portion of humanity suffer why the vindictive lot get to have a sweet ride and makes the rest of us work harder is it fair, maybe the lesson is not to be caring and then you don't get hurt or drained by life and it's little monsters.