There's life out there. No one is trapped.
Those of you who have been along for some of this journey of mine have been marvelous cheerleaders, cheering me on to LEAVE the DH and LEAVE the skids. As I told you, that is now the plan, although DH wants to remain together at all costs. If he can make it work and continues to 'behave', I am for it. He can hop on a plane to see the skids. He'll end up seeing them more and paying less in transportation and time.
That's not what I want to share though. I want to talk about getting one's life back.
As women, we give to others without regard for ourselves. Often times, we give our entire life to others. We blink and the kids are grown. Then the grandkids are grown. Suddenly we find ourselves in an empty nest, aged and perhaps ailing in health. I have watched my beloved grandmother do just this. She gave EVERYTHING TO EVERYBODY and always thought that she would get around to doing for herself "someday". "Someday" is not going to come for her. She is now 89 and without sight and mobility. She never got to live her life or pursue her dreams.
Maybe you aren't my grandma, but if your situation is similar to mine, maybe you have a spouse who you stay with for god knows why. "I stay for the: kids, sex, money, the potential of things." We've all heard the reasons and maybe we've said some out loud ourselves.
For me, I am a co-dependent which means I am ADDICTED TO THE POTENTIAL OF THINGS. I see the 'potential' in my husband. If he would just do as I say and be what I need him to be, life would be good.
How much energy and worry have I spent on this?! I spent my youth being a co-dependent and enabler to my alcoholic father. I spent my early adulthood finding people and partners to 'fix'. No surprise, in my 30's I married an addict because I saw his potential. He truly wanted to be different and be better. The last 4 years of that marriage, I have completely LOST myself.
I am unrecognizable to my best friends and have turned into an anxious, resentful and hateful person. I am battling severe depression.
I NEVER THOUGHT THAT MARRYING A MAN WITH KIDS COULD DO THIS TO ME. HAD I KNOWN...
As I expressed, I hit a rock bottom as I contemplated self-harm and hoped for the skids to die in a car crash. HOW SAD.
This is not my life. It's not my destiny and it's not what I am here for.
Dig deep and I bet anyone having ANY of the feelings I am can still find SOMETHING that lights up your heart inside. Follow that. Return to your own passions. Not your kids' passions or your husband's needs...YOUR passions.
For anyone looking to reclaim their individual life (whether you leave your spouse of not), it's possible!
I am going to post more about this because it breaks my heart to think of anyone living the way I was living or feeling TRAPPED.
None of us are trapped. I want to share with you some steps I took that got me on this road to finding my life again.
Some topics I want to discuss in future posts are:
Financial makeover
Clearing the clutter
Sparking creativity
Creating the vision
Putting the vision in action
...and I'm sure more will come up for all of us. Take anything that is useful and leave the rest. Writing is cathartic for me, so I thank you for your ear.
- onelife's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I can relate to your post
I can relate to your post very much. I look forward to reading more.
Ditto!
Ditto!
This is a wonderful voice of
This is a wonderful voice of optimism in the wake of what looks like a shit storm. I don't know your whole story, but the most important step is recognizing something is not right and DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
I have quite a bit of codependence in my history and worked hard to get out of it. I had a great career, raised my kids (who grew up as they tend to do) and married DH (whose oldest had not grown up). DH is a wonderful guy in many ways, but he has needed to make an emotionally stunted kid in her 40's feel better about herself, sometimes at my expense. I also got aged out of the corporate world. The loss of my job and a DH whose priorities flopped in the wind sent the self esteem I had worked hard to get snowballing down the hill.
I also told myself I was going to get my life back. I thought about what I used to like to do before I got busy with kids and work. What did I used to do for me? And that was what I thought my career would be - as a musician. That was my first major in college. I switched because I didn't want to be a starving artist. I live in a place where a lot of people retire, and some were professional musicians. There's a lot of groups here. I got my lip back in shape (not completely but working on it) and am now in 4 performing groups, doing something I love....for ME.
Find what it is you love to do and do it. I think DH and I are headed back in the right direction, but if not, I have ME again.
I totally feel you on all of
I totally feel you on all of your points. So many women give and give and put up with many situations that they should not have to. I don't like to tell people to break up a marriage but if you are not being treated well and your spouse is not willing to work on things what choice do you have? I was like you very stressed out and depressed and very lonely towards the end of my relationship with a divorced man with kids. We broke up and I am so freaking happy. I'm free of him and his ex and his kids. I am loving life so much these days I can't even tell you. The grass was greener on the other side for me.
Being with a spouse who refuses to place you and your marriage first and at the top of the priority list is NOT a partner and it can make you feel very lonely unfortunately when everyone else is a priority. It makes you feel worthless and used.
I feel a lot of women are being used and I see it over and over. They are basically a nanny and someone for their SO to sleep with and everything revolves around the kids and the ex. Its really horrible.
Ladies before marrying a man with kids know that it's not going to be what you think it is. Investigate, research and go to pre-marital concealing before you commit to marriage. If you feel your marriage will not come first then I beg you just leave... it will be the best decision you ever made!
Onelife, you are speaking my
Onelife, you are speaking my language. All my life, I have been a Giver. Giving makes me HAPPY. I love doing little things for my loved ones. I love doing things for which they don't have time. To show I care. To say "you're not alone". To let them know they have support.
I have busted my arse time and time again. The floodwaters have crested and I have reached my limit.