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Dinner rules

Onefootout's picture

Submitted by Onefootout on Sat, 03/30/2013 - 12:56pm

I'm learning from practice and from this site, if I want change I have to change my own behavior. Since my blowup with SO last weekend I've tried to think of ways I can assert myself more, and not seem like a mean cold-hearted bitch.

I don't always like to eat dinner with SO and SS, not everyday. SO hated this. And told me he didn't care if I ever ate dinner with him again. Two days later I'm getting a text: "kabobs tonight if you like." So instead of refusing to eat with him I replied with three rules I created for family dinner time:

1) I will not be under observation or evaluation, this is dinner, not a test.

2) Neither this family dinner, nor any other family dinner will become ammunition in our next argument. (He complains I don't talk enough to SS at dinner.)

3) Dinner will not be used as an example of how sucky a stepmom I am.

SO responded, Okay.

Although I didn't tell SO this, I made a commitment to myself to at least try to have small talk with SS16 at dinner time, as awkward as it is.

I've previously written about how SS16 always interrupts conversations between SO and me. And SO lets him, and immediately responds to SS. This happened earlier today when SO and I were talking about our date tonight.

Me: So I thought we could go to--

SS: Daad!

SO: Whaat?

Me: (Thinking, oh no he di'n't) Hang on a minute SS, I'm talking to your dad.

SS: Okay.

Me: Thank you!

It's a long road ahead, but at least this weekend, I'm not ready to throw in the towel. Need to take this week by week.

Meanwhile, I look forward to lots of good advice from you all, it's really helped.

Comments

TweetyPie's picture

Submitted by TweetyPie on Sat, 03/30/2013 - 1:32pm

Good for you!! Now I need to take a lesson from this and try to figure out how to change my response to the toxicity my SD24 throws my way . . .

catgirl's picture

Submitted by catgirl on Sat, 03/30/2013 - 2:17pm

That's brilliant. I really struggle with being assertive, it's hard sometimes and it's encouraging that both your SO and SS seem to have responded positively to what you were trying to do. Keep it up and hopefully they'll both notice and appreciate that you're trying to improve the situation - especially your SO.

Onefootout's picture

Submitted by Onefootout on Sat, 03/30/2013 - 2:47pm

Thanks everyone for the encouragement and support. These definitely are very baby steps. But I'm so nonconfrontational, that they are kind of big steps for me.

And I'm always open to suggestions for alternatives to use in the future. I kind of just made these up, I'm sure there are some other good ways of handling these situations.