The school finally called the cops on SS...LONG
It's been awhile since I posted. Things with SS have escalated and DH and I are super stressed out.
Six(ish) weeks ago, we received a call from SS's school. He was throwing another tantrum, threw a chair at the teacher and was AGAIN threatening to "end you all". He's almost 6 ft now and only 11 years old. He was flailing his arms back and forth (admitted to DH it was to hit someone) crying and screaming. DH and I had an emergency meeting with 6 members of the school from teachers to counsels to the vice principle. They asked us if he has experience an recent trauma because his behavior is escalating. Now, this at least the 8th time I've met with most of these people since SS has started this school last Feb. They WILL NOT listen to anything I say. SS very manipulating and a liar. He is telling the school that he is afraid of DH and I and that we will "beat" him. SS had never been hit and the most I do is ground him to his room (and is recent because DH thinks it's cruel punishment).
We had PTC two weeks in a row. SS settled down for about a week and a half. Then on a Friday, I get a call from the school. SS is suspended. He was throwing another tantrum, screaming and threatening to kill people. I could hear him screaming at the vice principle from behind a closed door when I walked in the front office area.
On 9 Nov I was off work and received another call from the school, I rush over there (school is only two blocks away) and find out that the school called the cops because SS was again threatening to hurt someone. The cop only spoke with SS about his behavior and didn't press charges. The school counselor was upset that they didn't do more. She is FINALLY seeing SS for who is he. When I walked in the school I could, again, hear SS screaming from behind the closed office door. Telling the counselor how scared he is of me personally. She told him that she didn't believe him and that it's obvious that he isn't being abused. He didn't have anything to say to that because I was in the room. Turns out he broke our rule about him being in the lunch line. Every time he starts a fight with someone. So he has to bring his lunch and a drink from home. He snuck money from his bank and was trying to buy junk food. Some kids were laughing and he got mad and had a meltdown. He even admitted to me that he wasn't sure if they were laughing at him or just laughing. When we got home, he said he was scared that I would yell at him. He was screaming and crying to the counselor because he was afraid of being yelled at. The school now makes him eat alone in a empty room because he is so out of control.
This past Friday we got another call from the school. He was mad because he couldn't go to recess because of poor behavior the day before. Apparently, he was "hulking" over his teacher (she is maybe 5'2 and extremely young looking) he was also said to be stalking her and intimating her with his size...because he missed recess.
We were finally able to get SS's social security card from his mother so that I could take him to a Dr. He was able to speak with a therapist for a few minutes and we have another appointment tomorrow.
This is my first time dealing with a therapist so I'm not sure what exactly to expect. SS has long (since pre K) history of hurting and bullying females. Now that he is so tall, he is using his height to intimated his adult teachers. He claims that he can't control himself. I'm willing to give him the benefit of a doubt with regard to his extreme anger outburst and tantrums but the bullying and intimation, I call bullshit. Again, I'm no Dr but that seems to me a controllable behavior.
He is also lying to his school about me and DH. Thankfully they are starting to believe us, because I have to have a security clearance at my job and I'm not losing that because SS is a liar.
He claims that he can't remember just about everything. I don't know if that is because he was diagnosed with ADHD (diagnosed when he was 5. I'm just now hearing about it. BM never sought any help for him) for because he just doesn't care enough to listen to what any has to say ever.
He has a victim mentally. Like with the laughing students in the lunch line, he always thinks someone is laughing at him or purposely victimizing him. Two days before the cop incident, SS was at the local church for a children's program. He goes every week when he has behaved enough. DH was asked to not bring him back anymore because he was screaming in a little girls face (second church we have been asked not to bring him back to). Apparently, it wasn't the first time. They were playing ball and she accidently hit him with it. Again, SS is a victim and the little girl did it on purpose so he had to scream in her face. Just yesterday, he got into trouble during recess because a ball hit him in the leg and he was screaming at another kid, because to SS it could not have been an accident. It was on purpose.
When we were at his Dr. appointment, he lied to the nurse, the Dr and the therapist telling them he only acts like this because he is being bullied. I told him that he can't get help if he is going to lie. It has been proven again and again that HE is the bully and he mainly has these meltdowns when he is not getting his way about something. I wonder if he really feels like the victim even with overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
Well, this is getting super long. I want to ask the Dr to put him on medicine, but I don't want to be seen like a lazy mom that just wants a zombie kid. The middle school counselor already told us he would have been expelled from her school with this behavior and he has less than a year before he is in her school.
For those of you that haven't read my many many past post, there is no "not my monkey" or "can't care more that the parents" in my situation. I'm the parent for all intents and purposes.
***Bonus BM is a huge POS. When she found out that SS had the cops called by the school, she bombarded DH with links and videos of a boys home. Even after she was told that would be a last resort and want to try a therapist and medicine first, she keeps bringing it up. Then she said that "he's worse that when he was with her". Yes, his behavior has been escalating since he was 4. She did nothing for him for 11 years but we are supposed to "fix" him in less than a year. Also, she got mad because I made an appointment for SS on black Friday because he's off school and I'm off work. She decided last minute that even though she said she didn't want him this year for Thanksgiving, I should have read her mind and known that she would change her mind and want him because someone that gives zero f##ks about him is coming in from out of town. That's more important than getting him help. Oh, and I'm not his mother when this happens and I have no say, but I need to raise he son and provide my time and money when she says so. I hate this women.
At this point, I'm getting very desperate for any kind of real help for him.
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Comments
This is such a hard
This is such a hard situation. Physical aggression could be from what is known as emotional dysregulation. Having gotten to SS' age without therapy and medication it becomes a way of life and no longer something SS can actually control. Imagine SS is a car going down hill with no brakes or steering wheel. That is what his emotions are like 24/7.
Give the therapist a chance. It takes time but once handled properly the difference can be amazing.
I am certainly going to give
I am certainly going to give the therapist a chance. I'm actually going to request at least once a week appointments (or more if they will give it). He says that he can't control himself but he has never acted that way in our home. In fact, the two times I walked into the school when he was screaming behind closed doors, as soon as he saw me he immediately shut up and looked guilty. It's really had to say because he is sooo manipulative. AHHHHHH
I'd suggest twice a week for
I'd suggest twice a week for a month or two so that you can perhaps get a better handle on this situation. When going through a sudden crisis period, I've done this before. It'll likely be expensive, but a short-term more intensive approach may be what is needed to interrupt the situation and allow SS to learn some new coping skills and behaviors. Or, once a week with one-on-one therapist and perhaps a small group of young teens with somewhat similar issues for the other time.
Monchichi makes a great point.
Meds alone aren't the answer, but the right mix may help SS regain some balance in his life. Don't be afraid to try anything that makes sense to you --- including meditation tapes before bed etc. Remember to trust your own gut.
Be the "squeeky wheel." No
Be the "squeeky wheel." No one else will advocate for you. SS is definitely "at-risk" and should be treated as such.
SGD-14 and SGS-11 have both been involuntarily placed in in-patient facilities for a week at a time because of variations of SS's behaviors. Neither family has provided the necessary support for them once they were released, so those kids lives will likely continue to spiral downward.
My son has been on medicine
My son has been on medicine since he was 7 for ADHD. He has a mild form of it and is loud,forgetful and can be obnoxious but has never been mean or had meltdowns. Please don't think that meds are going to make the kid a zombie. It may take awhile to get the right dose but my son has never been zombied or zoned out. He is a straight A gifted student and all the teachers love him. He has plenty of friends and does great on his meds.
I'm not afraid of him being a
I'm not afraid of him being a zombie, I'm afraid that the Dr will think I'm just trying to drug him up. I don't know how to go about asking for him to be medicated. The Dr said to come back in two months but he is sooo bad, he could legit be in serious trouble in two months time.
Two months?! This child is
Two months?! :jawdrop: This child is in crisis, and needs something immediate. I share your fear that in two months time he could do more harm.
This!! Get records from the
This!! Get records from the school showing how out of control his behavior is. Call and demand a earlier appointment.
Don't be scared of what the doctor is going to think. You are the one having to live with this child.
Hon, I've got nothing.
Hon, I've got nothing. Prayers and {{{{{HUGS}}}}}
I am really sorry that you
I am really sorry that you have this to deal with and I can not even imagine what it must be like for you. I really want to recommend that you try to get this sorted and help this child in whatever way that you can. I write this from the opposite perspective of a neighbor that is subjected to a autistc child with - which is a mental health issue too. Of course the situations are not the same, but I write this to let you know that people who want to help and who could be your ally, eventually run out of patience and will turn on you - and I can see this happening in the case of the school.
Please co-opt allies and let the school know that you are doing your very best to help your SS. My neighbours have been next door three weeks. After numerous noise complaints by the other neighbours against this family, I have actually filed criminal charges against my neighbour and his son: it is my FIFTH broken window. Child keeps throwing things at my property and has broken my windows. My insurer has now refused to pay for further broken windows - after the second one, and having spoken to the neighbor have also pressed charges on my behalf for property damage claims. I am at the point where I started out as a friend and ally to my neighbour as it is a nightmare dealing with an autistic child. I wanted to help them. They dont care - the child is neglected...
Right now, I can not be bothered if they move, their son falls off a cliff or if they are locked up on a criminal complaint. Heartless? Yes, my mental health is suffering with the non-stop screaming, howling and banging (stimmining) at all hours of the day and night from this child. Plus it is fun coming home to property damage and crap hurled at my house. The attitude of the parents and caregivers really matter - my neighbour is in the "fuck you" category. So yeah, eff you too Mr and your kid!
No more special consideration for you and your special needs kid, if you cant abide by the basic rules of neighborlyness. (Judge me if you want. Come spend time in my home and tell me after one day how YOU feel.)
Please please, dont let this be you, where people who would help you in the best of circumstances turn against you. Please help your SS - if you can.Dont be my neighbour
SS does not act like this at
SS does not act like this at our house. He is a normal, if forgetful, child. School and his mothers house is the problem.
Thankfully, the school has been very helpful especially the last several weeks. I keep the school counselor up to date on everything. Even when his mother "can't" pick him up for her weekend. Never know what will set him off.
Please stay in touch with the
Please stay in touch with the school and keep any and all allies on your side. Most people will help you - they do care and want to help understand where they can. I dont believe people start out as mean or nasty. It breaks my heart that your SS is troubled. It is even worse when you (Ninji) are doing what you can but this stuff is happening at the other parent's house.
Your own attitude and your DH will go a long way in how people treat your SS. I am so grateful you care enough to want to help. I look at my neighbours and their biological child and my heart breaks... YOU care more about your SS than my own neighbours care about their own son.
I do think he needs
I do think he needs residential treatment now. And drugs appropriate for whatever diagnosis they come up with. He should be released from residential slowly, weekends only first and then a trial run for a full week, etc. Once he’s back home, continue the meds and therapy twice a week. He may need to continue school in a facility designed to handle kids with emotional problems. I’m sorry you are having to deal with this.
I don't post hardly at all,
I don't post hardly at all, but your SS is so similar to mine that I just had to say something. Almost everything yours does, mine has done over the last 5-6 years. He has struggled in school and at his mom's since he started kindergarten. His behavior at our house has always been drastically different. He listens when told what to do, he doesn't have freak outs or meltdowns, he wouldn't dare try to hit my husband or myself, and I have never heard a curse word pass his lips. The other two environments, a completely different story!! He does all of the above at school and at his mom's. It was so drastically different that we were sure that he was just chosing to do this becuase he didn't want to be there, but in talking more and more with his counselor, I believe that the emotional neglect/abuse he received at such a young age from his mom (long, long story there) seriously altered the growth and chemical function of his brain. In these two environemnts (mom's and school) he goes into fight or flight/panic mode and gets defensive, and he is incapable of regulating his emotions on his own. He also regulary plays the victim and rarely admits to being totally at fault.
We have tried everything from the time he was in kindergarten, with no success. No amount of punishments or rewards, or switching to a special ed school could regulate his behaivor at school. At our house he is such a sweet, compliant kid. He still acts like a typical kid his age, but offers to help with stuff, is polite and never backtalks. But our house is his comfort zone. His dad is his rock. That is where he feels safest, so he doesn't need to be on edge. He doesn't need to be ready to defend himself (in his mind). Finally we broke down and tried medication for him. We have found a combonation that was literally like flipping a switch. This kid couldn't go two days at school without running out of the classroom or building, throwing something, hitting someone, cussing someone out, etc., but in the last 3 weeks he has not done one of those things. His percentages for school have jumped by over 40% since the beginning of the year. It has been really startling to see the difference in his behavior. It just has never been this good at school. Yours SS sounds so much like mine, and I know how maddening it feels to think it will never end.
Hang in there, find a good child therapist/psychiatrist and don't be afraid to try meds if all else fails. Sometimes it really is what's needed.
That's crazy. Sounds just
That's crazy. Sounds just like my SS. His mother asked DH for a divorce when SS was just 3yrs old. Since that time, she has had dozens of men in and out of his life and always worked nights in a bar leaving SS and SD alone with her teenager children by a different man. I always liken her to a teenage older sister that doesn't have time for her sibling rather than a mother of 4.
That is great they found the
That is great they found the correct meds. They never did hit on the combo with my SS and after all these years, I think it is a combo of him being a preemie, BM abuse emotional abuse, that I think he needs long term, good, psychiatric help.
I remember when the juvenile probation officer wanted to send him out of state to a good, nationally recognized psyche hospital. His parents fought it bc he would be too far away to visit. Biggest mistake of that boys life. I see no difference in him at stb18, than I did at 8.
First, I hope you don’t have
First, I hope you don’t have guns in the home. If you do, remove them. He could se it in school.
If he is playing violent video games, remove those.
Email the therapist all the school records and let them know it IS a mental health emergency.
If you don’t get help from the therapist....then do a residential treatment facility. He IS a danger to himself and to others.
And I would consider Home school. He has no place being around other children right now.
Hugs and best of luck.
Sounds like my BM and my YSS.
Sounds like my BM and my YSS. He will be 18 in 3 weeks. He has been to juvie, group homes and he has not changed a bit. He has been on meds since the age of 5. I have never seen the meds make a bit of difference in his behavior.
BM is sever Borderline, he is just like her. Your trips to school sound just like what I went thru the 2 years he lived with us. I tried to get DSO to get him into a better psyche center or a boys type of home back then, but he just didn't want to bother. BM blamed his behavior on hating me and wanting to live with her. After 6 months, he was sent away bc he was physical with BM and BMs step dad. I had to wash my hands of him after that bc I am also a gov't employee and I couldn't have him cause me to lose my job.
I wish I had advice for you. Good luck and remember to take care of you. His violence could turn towards you eventually.
It sounds like your SS is
It sounds like your SS is having a serious mental health crisis. You are absolutely doing the right thing getting him in to see a therapist. I hope he can get the help he needs.
Have you and DH ever
Have you and DH ever considered alternative schooling for SS. If he's not a problem in your home but only seems to be lashing out at school have you looked into other methods.
We have talked about home
We have talked about home schooling but I'm not giving up my career and I can't afford to pay all our bills and child support to BM for SD on my pay check alone (and honestly, I'm not willing to). The only way we could do it is to work during the day and teach SS at night. SS11 would be home alone all day long.
Not sure where you are
Not sure where you are located, but they don't have any alternative schools? We have two alternative schools here in our town, for the kids with behavioral problems and they also have a home schooling outreach where the kids go for the day to be with other homeschooled kids.
The problem with long term
The problem with long term medication, is the patient will not want to take the meds.
They blame the medication on there lack of a social life. That why they don’t have a girl/ boy friend. Why they are not invited to pastry’s.
The medications stop them from getting sexually arousal, and can’t perform. So they start skipping the meds and you don’t know it. Until there a blow up. They can’t deal with simple thing but you think they will take there med correct. So there no effect from the med because they don’t take enough or they fall asleep when they are eating dinner because they took to much
It will help but you will have to put a lot of effort into it. But long term it’s not going to be good. Unfortunately. For the people who have to live though it, it’s such a hopeless thing.
You put them into inpatient therapy, but they can leave anytime they want. unless court ordered, Hospital can not stop them from leaving.
They spend months in inpatient therapy, and they are the same as they went in
In patient as a minor??? May
In patient as a minor??? May help
YUP to adult mental health patients can and often time refuse meds and UNLESS court ordered into ward,/unit, it is mostly impossible to get them to agree to admission.
Usually the patient refuses to believe anything is wrong. They don't need medication.
Poor souls ^^^^^
Find a Dr who will do an
Find a Dr who will do an MRI.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=esPRsT-lmw8
Find a Dr who will do an
Find a Dr who will do an MRI.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=esPRsT-lmw8
What a nightmare, I wish I
What a nightmare, I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. But I am just at a loss. I am so sorry you go through this.
The very thought of
The very thought of homeschooling without proper diagnosis AND treatment plan is not plausible. Plus this poor women needs a break. Hell lets be honest, maybe she wants to work 1000 miles away from this. Cant say I wouldn't blame her.
Ninja as you have probably figured out somethings are WAY bigger than we are. It's a lesson dh and I learned.
SS is in crisis and deserves in treatment, INHOUSE (not your house, professional setting) for battery of tests, head to toe testing, proper diagnosis, possibly medication by trained personal.
NOW...
Also I hope you and DH give yourselves permission to realize you both need a huge break from this. What that means is proper diagnosis leads to treatment.
Keep us posted ((((HUGE HUGS))))
Bi-Polar, ODD and ADHD if I
Bi-Polar, ODD and ADHD if I had to give an educated guess. It’s hard to come to terms with the fact your kid can’t be their best self without medicine, but it’s a reality for most. Who knows? Maybe taking away his energy with “zombie medicine” (adhd) might keep him calm enough from bullying others and stop him from noticing other kids who may or may not be laughing at him. If anything it’ll balance his mood a little more.
SS acts more like
SS acts more like schizophrenic then some one with ADHD in my opinion....
and for years he got away with manipulating and dominating BM, why shouldn't it work on all females?