Poor YSD, BM = Bad Mom
As expected... BM has prevented the last summer visitation. (MWF 3-8pm)
SO showed up to pick YSD10 up like he said he would (SS14 asked to hang out with friends and OSD13 had a cheer thing where 8th grade cheerleaders welcome 7th graders to school, YSD specifically asked to still be picked up), no one was home, so he called the police and filed a report. The officer even called BM, asked her where she was, and she wouldn't say. She stated that the court order put school responsibilities on her, and that they were at a school event. Not much the police could do outside of providing a report. SO said they were nice about it, that it was nothing new to them, and that they don't know how much a report will help but it's always good to have documentation. BM then messages SO through talking parents saying how she had already told him her plans for today and that he could pick them up for his birthday on Friday. SO responded that school does not start until Wednesday, so he could have taken YSD to whatever event she needed to go to. He did so last Wednesday when she asked to go to a popsicle/free book event at her school.
BM then says something odd.. "I don't want to separate the kids, so YSD is with me". Weird. SS, OSD, and YSD are all going to separate schools this year. Throughout the summer, OSD went to grandmas while YSD went to summer school for a month and SS stayed home. SS has slept over at his cousins house plenty of times. Sounds more like BM didn't want SO to have one on one time with YSD. SO is glad to have this on record.
YSD has been opening up more to SO. She says she feels BM has been treating her unfairly and any time she asks for anything, it's always a no, sometimes even a HELL NO, but if OSD asks for something, it's always yes. I suggested to SO that maybe it's an age thing... YSD is still in 5th grade and OSD is in 8th grade. Then I thought, why would I even consider giving BM any benefit of the doubt. OSD has done a lot for BM and I think BM needs to keep her from rebeling or else her parentified daughter will run away. YSD hasn't done enough to curry favor with BM. Her love is conditional. While YSD is the youngest of SO's kids, she is the middle child at BMs and the one that looks the most like SO. It wouldn't be so far off to think that YSD's resemblance to SO influences BM's treatment of her. SO's heart hurts for YSD because he was that same middle child... 3rd of 5 kids, too young to hang out with the older kids, always expected to take care of the younger ones.
Another sad revelation was that YSD told SO that she gets sad when she sees stepdad hug his biokids, her little sisters. He doesn't hug her at all. BM doesn't hug or show much affection to the kids, only to her 2 youngest that she has with stepdad. BM has not allowed SO's kids to form any meaningful relationship with him, not that SS or OSD want to. I guess he's not a great husband/provider to them anyways. YSD sees her little sisters ask for ice cream, and stepdad will rush out and only bring enough for the little ones. Same with toys and outings. BM tells her that stepdad is THEIR dad, so he buys stuff for them. I guess I understand disengaging... but these are her half sisters, they live in the same house hold. BM makes her own SD call her mom!
We've met stepdad's daughter a handful of times and she has always been pleasant, although skids would say otherwise because she made their life hell at BMs home. She told BM that she hated her and hated being at their home since she was not allowed to be on her phone or tablet since, at the time, no one else had a phone or tablet. They put her on a diet and she would steal food from the kitchen. One of the last times we saw her, at OSD's 12th birthday dinner, BM's stepdaughter said hi to me and SO and even gave us hugs. WHAT HAHA. SO has seen her at some events with the kids and even offered to have her come over with the kids one day. BM shut that down quick saying that it's best not to because she lies and doesn't want SO to get caught up in it. She told her mom (stepdad's ex) that BM and stepdad hit her. We don't think its true, though. She just wanted to stop having to stay at BM's home.
We try to show YSD as much love as possible when she's with us. I'm not naturally a hugger, especially with the kids, because I don't know what people are comfortable with, but YSD is sure to get some hugs from me. SO has been ramping it up a lot too. This is why SO not having her today was especially disappointing. She asked for the time, and I think she needed the time with her dad.
I am still having difficulties handling this mentally so I am actively looking for a therapist. I am seeing the impact of my anxiety on the other aspects of my life and it's not great. SO already has a plan for mediation/court and hopes the police report and talking parents record will open the judge's eyes just a little, even if its just one instance. I won't hold my breath on that one. Hey, who knows, maybe she'll do it a few more times and we'll get a real case going.
- NeverEnough321's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I'm curious.. did your DH
I'm curious.. did your DH confirm with BM that he would be picking up YSD or did he just communicate with the child? I am not sure that I would have resorted to calling the police so quickly on this. Unless this is a long pattern of ignoring the agreeement.. it was probably better to just send her a text to remind her that he was supposed to have had visitation with the kids that afternoon.. and when would she be providing a makeup day.. or something to that effect.
I don't think BM sounds particularly scared.. and honestly.. sometimes when people press too hard.. the judge feels like the mean old EX is persecuting the poor single mom (I know.. i know).. so I might have let this 'first" missed visit go with a warning from him and certainlly he may need to confirm with her when there are other schedule conflicts for some of the kids but not all.
I also understand that BM has been very miserly on allowing your husband time.. but when you start involving law enforcement.. you are elevating the drama and conflict level.. in ways you may regret later.
Yes, SO let her know that he
Yes, SO let her know that he would so be picking her up because BM sent the first text declaring that summer break was over. SO made sure to to state that he did not agree, school starts on Wednesday, and that he would still be picking up YSD.
SO has called the cops once before, but it was over BM not letting the kids out until 5pm. SO and I had gotten there at 4 and the kids were all at home. Imagine the kids sitting inside watching the clock hit 5pm while we just sat in the car and waited. SO was frustrated and didn't know what else to do, but never called again even though BM continued to do it. This is the first official missed visitation since getting a CO, but BM had a pattern ofwithholding the children as punishment for both SO and the kids. She still twists the CO to her advantage.
i don't think she is scared either. Her tactics have been working for her so far she didn't see a reason to stop now. In this case, there was no schedule conflict. She could have left YSD with her grandparents a block away. We've done pick ups and drop offs there before. I understand that involving law enforcement is risky, but we'd rather have the documentation... maybe it'll start to pile up.
IMHO, school events, regardless of whose time they fall on
are open game for being there. I would be at every one even if it is on BM's time. This demonstrates interest, participation,and notable presnce in the SKid's life events. School registration, etc... All fare game for you and DH to participate and ... it will drive BM nuking futz.
Keep the communication on OFW so you can use it to bare BM ass in court. If not on OFM, record the conversations on a cell phone app. Verify legality in your State of course. If you cannot present actual recordings in court, then record then type up a transcript of BM losing her shit on calls. Keep up the police at hand offs where BM fails to surrender the Skids per the CO. Kep building the box tighter and tighter around BM and keep her crap presented regularly in court.
The kids need to be kept abreast of BM's crap and should be fully informed on all of her crap, the CO, etc...
Good luck.
I agree that dad has a right
I agree that dad has a right to be at events.. even during mom's time.. he needs to get plugged into that information.
And.. there is no real reason why he can't still exercise some visitation with his daughter who had cheer.. even if it means picking her up etc.. and only spending the last hour or so.
But.. it seems like maybe (from what I 'm seeing).. he wasn't communicating with mom.. but with the kids.. which let mom make her own (selfish) interpretation.
If she had stated that "keep the kids together" in that pre event discussion.. he could have pressed back.. then.. when there was actally time to do something about it.
I know he doesn't like his high conflict EX.. and maybe they need to use something like OFW to communicate.. and he needs to be more explicit with an ex who will use every "unsaid" thing to her own advantage.
Yep to all of the above.
Over communicate, document, document, document. IMHO the way to deal with a high conflict blended family opposition is the same as dealing with any bully. Cause them far more pain than they deliver. Tolerate no crap, make consequences far exceed the initiating action of the high conflict X. Deliver painful consequence, then escalate repeatedly until they reach their point they don't want to play anymore. Then... bring a little more pain to remind them to not try any more crap. Going forward from there, if they twitch out of line, they hurt. No tolerance of crap. Period. Dot.
It works. It is not fun, it takes focus and dedication. But it works. And.. it hurts the toxic side far more than it hurts the quality side of the equation. In this case, it also shows the Skids that daddy has a spine and will not tolerate mommy being toxic and manipulative.
If BM was reasonable, none of this would be necessary. She isn't reasonable. So, she needs to be confronted with the consequences.
SO and BM use Talking Parents
SO and BM use Talking Parents to communicate. SO brought up some examples of her interrupting his visitation time in court but the judge didn't see anything wrong with most of it. She just changed the schedule slightly and didn't say anything to BM.
SS and OSD let SO know their plans because they are usually reliable, and because BM wants to limit messaging with SO. I have stopped trying to figure her out. I think she uses OSD and SS as messengers because she thinks SO might respond more favorably, but we are also aware that they might lie for BM as well. SO won't do much about the lies unless he has solid proof of it. SO has stuck his neck out for them before and got burned. SS spent 4 months coming over angry because BM was treating him like crap, asking to come live with us, saying he was willing to do anything. This is when we started talking to a lawyer. When the time came, SS backed out, said he talked to BM and that he changed his mind. He wanted to see SO more, but he would not say anything against BM. SS had also told BM everything he and SO had talked about/planned. The kids know that they have options, but they are too scared of BM, scared of her wrath, but also scared of losing her love.
As for OSD and cheer, I had assumed we were picking up her up a little later, but SO let me know that it would just be YSD. I think OSD doesn't like the new summer schedule, but she won't say it because she doesn't want to hurt SO or have the time taken away. I wouldn't be surprised if she would rather make excuses than have the time taken away for the other kids because all three have openly let SO know that YSD gets almost no attention at BMs.
To clarify some information,
To clarify some information, OSD cheer stuff was her just going to school and welcoming incoming 7th graders. I don't believe there was an actual event. Whatever event BM was referring to was either 1) related to her younger kids she had with step dad as one is about to enter kindergarten, or 2) she was doing pickups for the older kids.
SS had already asked to hang out with his friends that evening, and OSD told us about cheer. I do think OSD lied a bit about being busy with cheer during the 3-8pm window, as she skipped the last Monday following a weekend with us saying she was sick. SO and I understand that the new summer schedule was taxing and could have been stressful for them with all the pick ups and drop offs, so SO didn't fight her on it. YSD specifically stated that she still wanted to get picked up. Before SO could say anything, BM had declared on Sunday night that summer break was over and decided that they were going back to the normal schedule.
We have seen the school schedules, and the kids tell us if they have events that interfere with SOs time. We ask about events if we see them on the school calendar, but BM does not communicate these with SO because she reads the CO as School related stuff: BM ONLY.
We are trying to be better at keeping on top of the school schedules, but in this case, it did not involve YSD. She was just being dragged around by BM.
Honestly.. I agree it's a
Honestly.. I agree it's a crummy schedule and I would have hated it as a kid.. and as a teen would likely do whatever to avoid it.
It doesn't give the kids any "settle in" at dad's place.. just potentially an option for dinner.. but is disruptive to any other plans they might want to have.. hanging with friends etc.. (and at those ages.. hanging with friends is probably highest priorty for them..lol).
I imagine the youngest would have enjoyed the one on one attention with dad.. so it sucks it didn't happen.