advice needed
So I need some advice in regards to my DD & SS.
Some background, before DD was born, I didn't really shop for SS. Of course if I seen something that made me think of him I'd buy it and I would notice when he needed new clothing and I'd let Dh know and it was up to him to initiate a visit to the kids dept. So basically I didn't go out of my way to buy things for him because well... I'm not his mom and he wasn't priority on my mind.
Anyway, since DD has been born I do go out of my way to get her things. Like not extravagant things but small things, like socks or books etc. I by no means spoil her, and nor do I intend to. However it seems like anytime we get something for DD, SS is questioning why he didn't get something too even though he was with his mom (we get him every weekend fri afternoon-sunday evening). For instance, I'm an avid thrift shopper and I've discovered a slew of childrens book for super cheap (we're talking .50) so while shopping I went and started looking for books to read to DD. I got her 3 books and while browsing I seen a book I thought SS would like, so I bought it for him, he wasn't with me nor was Dh, I just thought of him and got the book. Well, when we picked him up that weekend I showed him what I got him and instead of saying thank you he immediately asked, "How come you only got me 1 book? How many books did you buy (insert DD's name)" I was pretty offended considering I was alone with my child and thought to even get him something. and I didn't really know what to say. Dh corrected him right away but I'm noticing now that he seems to keep tabs on what we buy when he's not there and I don't know how to handle this and should I be buying him equal things that I'm buying my daughter??? I figure he has a mom that gets child support for him so why should I be trying to buy something equal in value that I buy my daughter when he's not with us. DOn't get me wrong when he's here we get him things and what not but if he's not with us we don't.
What do you guys think? Have your Skids behaved this way before? What do I do?? Am I wrong for feeling bothered by this?
Edit: to add, now every time I get something for Dd I feel like I have to find something, anything to get SS to basically match him so he doesn't feel left out, if that makes sense. So it's not coming from the heart, but more out of thinking I'm obligated to.
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You're lucky your sd doesn't
You're lucky your sd doesn't notice. As it is, it bothers me that Ss has the largest room (not including the master) in the house because at the time we bought our home I was pretty sure I didn't want kids. But I don't gripe about it to anyone because at the time I agreed to that and I don't want him to feel shafted. But this is aggrivating. As it is, he gets 2 of everything (xmas, bdays etc).
btw, how is the baby??
haha that's great!!! I want
haha that's great!!! I want to spoil Dd so much but I stop myself because I can get out of control lol.
That's so great that she's doing so good!!! Dd is great, she's almost 7 mo now and crawling all over the place. I'm back at work as of about a week and half ago and my cousin is watching her and she has 2 kids that are 1 and 3 so Dd has really taken off there trying to keep up with them. it's hillarious. I never thought I'd love being a mommy so much. She's amazing. I never knew the feeling of loving something so much it almost hurts, it's surreal.
Yeah, I would be annoyed,
Yeah, I would be annoyed, especially since BM gets CS.
I would sit him down and explain to him there are things that his mom buys for him that she doesn't get for your bio. Ask him, your mom bought you such and such, did she get anything for my bio?
Even in intact families there are times one child gets something and the other child doesn't, or one child may get two things and someone else only one. You can't always make everything even.
Yeah, I think when it happens
Yeah, I think when it happens again, because I know it will, I will ask Dh to talk to him because he is very rude about it too. Like we owe him or something and I don't like that attitude. If i buy you something be happy, don't question why I didn't get you more. :/
You're totally right!!! I never questioned my parents when they bought things for my brothers and not me or vice versa.
Yikes, it's a hard situation.
Yikes, it's a hard situation. I get that they are kids and have a hard time understanding but it's very frustrating. I have to keep reminding myself that kids don't fully understand but it's hard. I feel for you.
He's keeping tabs? That would
He's keeping tabs? That would royally piss me off. But, he's a kid.
I think your DH needs to continue having the talks with him. It's ridiculous to think he should get something every time your DD does. Especially from you, you are not his mother.
This is one of those things that happens in intact families all of the time but God forbid it happens in a step situation. Then you are just mean and unfair. My sisters and I did not all have the exact same amount of stuff.
yup, it's very irritating.
yup, it's very irritating. When he started question me, i wanted to ask him 'why doesn't Dd get 2 birthdays like you? why doesn't get Dd twice the amount of xmas gifts, like you? why doesn't Dd get 2 rooms like you do?' of course I refrained but as it is I feel bad that my daughter will never get as much as him but I deal with it. but to now be faced with him almost demanded that we get him things when he's not even here really irks me.
yes yes, Dh will definately because reinforcing these talks otherwise I may go crazy! lol
You're totally right, Step fam's are tough. I love my husband but I do sometimes wish we were a first family. I'd never say that out loud to anyone but ya know.
No, you should have asked him
No, you should have asked him those questions. You don't have to be mean about it, but those were perfect questions to ask. Those questions will help him understand that he gets a lot of things that your bio doens't.
You think so?? I didn't know
You think so?? I didn't know if it was inappropriate or not. He doesn't see those things though, he's a great kid but he definately has a sense of entitlement to everything but that's a whole other issue. Do you think that it should come from dh or myself? I don't want to overstep my boundaries, ya know?
I'm a BM and I don't think
I'm a BM and I don't think it's overstepping your boundaries to ask him, after all, he is asking you these things. So long as you say it in a nice way I don't see what could be wrong with it.
A lot of kids are selfish and don't understand gratitude until someone teaches them. Yes, DH should have a talk with him, but he might still slip up and ask you. Kids often need "reminders".
That's a good idea to
That's a good idea to reinforce how to just say thanks for a gift, I like that. thank you. His mom doesn't enforce manners so that's a battle we're in the midst of. Bm finally moved out of her moms house and you can definately see a difference in Ss's behavior. Bm's mom was great, and she did most of the caring for for Ss.
yeah, he's a kid, that's why I'm trying not to get mad about this, i'm more bugged and also afraid to hurt his feelings, he's a good kid and I don't want that.
(No subject)
:jawdrop:
Has anyone ever asked him WHY
Has anyone ever asked him WHY he thinks he should get something everytime your DD does? I just think that it is odd!
I grew up with a sister that was a year older then me, and a brother a year younger then me (we also have an oldest sister who is ten years older then me). I never thought anything about it, if my brother got something I didn't. He was a boy, and I didn't want boy things! When my sister got something, I'd be happy, because I knew that in a few weeks, she'd be sharing it with me anyway!
I didn't read the comments
I didn't read the comments but your DD is a baby right? With my skid, before this started, I told them that the baby has nothing, and skid already has 2 rooms full of stuff and if they are going to start comparing the 2, we could take all the big kid stuff out of skid's room and replace it with baby stuff. Skid didn't like that suggestion and we haven't heard anything about it since.
I don't get why kids are so entitled now either.
i know its annoying and it
i know its annoying and it would tick me off too, can't even buy my own kid whatever I want b/c I have to deal with questions from the skids about being fair. BS. at the same time, they are kids, they dont get it and they dont understand. most kids are self centered, they only think about themselves and they have no filter. I know its hard not to take it personal, i should know because my steps have offended me multiple times with their insensitive rude remarks but they are immature. They need to be shown and taught the way to be and carry themselves.