Of course he feels divided. Tough shit. That's his problem. You feel like you have to protect your family, and rightfully so.

I feel like I could've written a lot of what you said. I find myself taking my DD18mnths and doing things alone with her on the weekends that SD comes. I'm in a bit of a different situation because of things BM and GBM have done, but it's still the same idea.

You just don't want to be around your SD. I get it. I know what it's like to work full time, be exhausted from long days, be away from your own bio baby and just want to spend as much time with him/her as you can in your free time.

My husband also tries to push my SD on me and wants to spend time together as a big happy family. I've told him so many times that I will be happy to do that if he changes some substantial things. He's not willing to make those changes, so I guess I'm not willing to spend time with SD.

If these men would only realize that most of these children do not even want to do things as "one big happy family". They want to spend time with their dad.

And while everybody should be polite and civil with each other and able to be in the same room at times, forced interaction is what causes the uncomfortableness that SMs and step kids both complain about.

Why can they not just let it be? Let the relationship develop naturally, whatever that may turn into? Why does it have to be mother/daughter like?

My DH did not force the issue. He knew I never wanted kids and he enjoyed his daughter, he did not need me to entertain her. Did he wish I was her BM? Sure but he knew that I didn't wish that!

No hate here either. It sounds like you have your hands full ... focus on the bubble bath, and the visit with your mom & son.

We don't have to like these kids, but we do need to be courteous to them, until they do something egregious. Sounds like it is hormones for you and that will just take some time and then I hope you can give her a chance, until she doesn't deserve one. Remember she is not her mother.

I somewhat felt divided in my marriage too. Like DH and skids were one family and me and my son were another. However, instead of being mopey about it, I sucked it up and enjoyed my time focusing on MY child. He wants his cake and eat it too.

I'm in almost the same boat. We don't have one of our own or one on the way but DH is always thinking of "family things" we can all do together.
1 Between us there is 7 children and to take all of the kids somewhere together requires two cars and alot of overtime before hand.
2 My kids refuse to be around one of his kids. At first it was just he was not allowed overnights when my kids were here and now my kids just simply refuse to be in the same zip code as this kid.
3 I never thought I would want to punch a 6 year old in the face as much as I do when I'm around his daughter. Her entitlement and meanness is just a huge put off.
There's never going to be one big happy family. DH always tell me that it isn't his kids fault that their mothers don't know how to parent and he doesn't have them long enough to reverse any damage...well it's not my fault either. So just because I'm an adult I have to be miserable because he chose two different woman to have horrible children with? No, life is too short to let either of his exes make my like miserable as they did his. He chose that misery, I did and will not. Not now or ever!!

Why oh why can't you love this bonus child like your very own? It's not like there's any limit to your physical, emotional, or financial resources! And even if there were, of course you exist for the opportunity to give your own flesh and blood a smaller share of the pie, for the benefit of someone else's offspring! Because we live in such a bounteous world that no one ever has to compete for anything!

Right.

Your DH is just as closely related to SD as he is to the children he has with you. You, on the other hand, are not related to SD at all. What's the matter with these men who can't see what a huge difference this makes? Especially because you have a little one and another on the way! Ask him what he thinks would happen if he pushed a strange cub on a pregnant mama bear. And then climb into a warm bubble bath and tell him to take care of his own damn kid.

I completely understand where you're coming from. I've been with my DH and his two kids (SD and SS) for three years. I liked both of them in the beginning, before I really understood how both their parents spoiled and coddled them due to divorce guilt and how they didn't address some pretty severe behavior problems from SS. I've pulled back from SS due to his behavior but was still affectionate.

However, now that I'm pregnant, I can't stand the sight of him. I daydream of giving him to his mother full-time or sending him off to some sort of boarding school. The worst part is that we have him full-time and a large part of that was due to me (I knew how irresponsible his mother was and wanted him to have a stable home) Even though his behavior is actually better than it has been in the past, I can't stand him and cringe every time I'm sitting with him for dinner or in the same room as him. I've avoided giving him hugs before bed, but now DH is calling me on it and forcing me to hug his child. It's awkward and annoying.

Deep down I hate this child, but to his face and to his father, I act like I'm ok that he's around. A lot of this is due to DH not addressing SS's behavior issues, so I should be blaming DH, but it's not DH that causes this gut reaction of hatred in me. It's seeing SS. I really hope that it's hormones and that I may be able to feel differently about this child since he'll be in my home for at least another 9 years. If not, divorce might be imminent.