I do not know how to feel about this
My DH got a voicemail from SS over the weekend. This has been the first time SS has even said anything to my DH in weeks. They met during the funeral but SS did not say a word. In the voicemail, SS says "Dad, I was wondering if you could sell the car and give me the money instead. I need it for rent and stuff. Ok..Bye." My DH let me listen to it. My DH did not call SS back yet without discussing it with me. He wants to give the car to SS AND give him the money. He wants give him 400 dollars a month, and pay for insurance and gas for the car. He does expect SS to get a part-time job, which I am sure SS will so that is not my problem. I asked him where he will get the extra 400 dollars from. He said he is going to take a quarter of our son's college fund and use that. When I said how that was not fair, he says why our son should get more than his other son. They should be treated equally and our son is getting more anyway. How do I even respond to that?
I feel split. Give him either or, you know what I mean?. I was not impressed with how he treated my DH. But then I know how hard it must be with BM passing away. He was going to live at home with BM and go to school. But now it looks like he has to rent off-campus because all of us (including my H's relatives) live too far away from the school and BM's house seems to be going to the bank. So he needs money for rent and stuff. Also, the assisted living centre that BM"s father is staying at costs 32 K + a year. But after taking into account the man's pension and other benefits, it costs around 12 k. SS is using BM's insurance policy money of just a bit over 50 K to pay for this. That barely gives him enough for 4 years. So I understand he needs the money. I am just a teensie bit bitter about how SS acted over the past several weeks. Am I wrong? I feel quite conflicted and torn.
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I know. My H does feel
I know. My H does feel differently for SS than I do. And I am sure if it was my son I would want the same. SS is 18 and CS ended. I guess having him make the CS payments to SS would be ok. We would have to put in an extra 100 dollars. But then there is car insurance and gas costs too. I am just still reeling from everything that happened. IT was so much all the same time. Maybe when I calm down I won't be so bitter about it.
The grandfather got Alzeimers
The grandfather got Alzeimers and that drives up the cost apparently. We are proud that SS decided to help his grandfather, who he was very close to. We do not want him to make the decision if he his father should leave the center or not. Most of these centres cost the same amount. And like you said, I am afraid the only relationship between my H and SS will be a financial one.
He is not money grubbing per
He is not money grubbing per say. But he did have a fit about hte car and my H not spending as much for it then he spent our son's car. HE guilted my H into buying a much more expensive car and paying for gas/insurance. He has a lot of resentment that we have more money than BM did. I told my H that sitting down with SS and discussing finances should be a requirement before commiting to anything. My H did not want to do it. He said, "I never did that with our son. We just give him money". It is like I cannot win. He keeps bring our son into it.
Why does SS have to pay for
Why does SS have to pay for his grandfather's assisted living expenses? Is there no other family on BM's side?
I think that if you take your personal bitterness out of the equation - here you have a young man who is in financial need. He no longer has a mother to help him so it falls on his father to step up. Your ds will be able to live at home to go to college and will cost less in terms of living expenses. Your ds still has his parents around him. Your ds will not have to support his grandfather (presumably). For this year anyway, SS has no choice but to live away as it is too late to reapply for a closer college. He needs the extra help now. He may not need it in the future.
Maybe instead of looking at it as 'ss share' and 'ds share' of college money, just look at it as one big pot that each child will be given from as needed. Doing what you can to support a child through college isn't rewarding him for his bad behaviour, nor is it guilt on your husbands part for his own screw ups - I get the impression he is a concerned father trying to do his best by both his sons. One son just has a greater need at the moment. I don't see a young man who is just out to take what he can get.
If you want SS to draw a line under everthing that has happened and move on - then you need to get over it too.
But we are talking about a
But we are talking about a situation as it is now not what might happen in the future. Maria could win the lottery and her son could be loaded. Who knows?
Personally, I think if they can manage x amount per month they should help him as much as possible. Maybe they need to say, we can help you so much per month for this year but next year you need to move in with us and finish college here as we can't afford your rent.
Thee are many ways to handle this.
They were paying child
They were paying child support up until recently and I agree about the $50,000 but Maria herself says that she doesn't want him to change grandfather's arrangements.
And what happens in 4 months
And what happens in 4 months when the money for grandpa runs out?
It seems in his grief he is running around patching holes in his life that were left by other people and their bad management.
As the extended family seem to have a low opinion of your DH I wonder how deep their pockets will now be?
Comparing the 2 boys is unfair. One has treated his father like a leper and the other hasn't. Why should your son pay the price for the others less than stellar relationship with his father?
Your son may well decide to attend school in another state and transfer out. That means additional costs for sure. IS your DH willing to just sell up and send additional money or is he likely to say "Why not stay where you are?".
SS is letting his grief drive him and if he is serious he needs to sit down with his father and go over a plan. Maybe he foroes college for a year or two to pay for his grandfathers care. Or he could invest the money and let it make interest that will benefit his grandfather in the future. How much will be left after the funeral costs?
I agree with stepaside, if your DH hands over the money he will be put into a peghole of ATM. And the minute he stops sending money he will be reverted back to arsehole status.
This is YOUR money and you BOTH give and get out of the situation. And I bet if your son was in the same situation and his father had died and he was left to call on his estranged mother for help you would not be blindly writing checks without some form of accountability and effort to rebuild the relationship.
I know there has been a lot
I know there has been a lot of pain around the entire situation. You need to take yourself out of it and let your husband do what he wants. I think he sounds like a good kid. Give him what you can. As for the college accounts it should be split in half. Two kids. Equal is only fair here.
I am mot saying to write the
I am mot saying to write the kid off. But he has a low opinion of his father and is scrambling to find money for the next few months. Then what? He runs out of money to support his grandfather (he is the only relative left???). He runs out of rent money, living expenses. No money for grandpa, no money to support himself in college.
The father may have taken an emotive stance in the past and made bad decisions. But now the son wants his father to sell off a car he insisted on being bought to fund his rent. What happens when that money runs out? And what happens when he needs another car? Daddy will buy him another one? And Daddy wants to send him $400 a month for what? Sharing his DNA? When my daughter was on her rebellious streak I promised my DH not to give her a cent. She decided that pregnant and 19 with loserBF was the ultimate lifestyle we can all aspire to. No way was I going to fund her into making more stupid decisions I did not agree with. Same thing ehre. Why fund something that has no time limit or alternative plan. What happens when the living center put up their rates?
He called his Dad and asked him to sell the car to get the money for rent. No mention of, can we talk soon. Call me when you get home. Nothing.
Giving the kid handfuls of money only delays the inevitable. Sooner or later grandpa will not be able to stay in this particular living center unless the state pay for it. And he may need to downgrade to something smaller until the other family members front up with some money. I find it disgusting these people who cast judgement on the OPs DH are allowing a freshman college kid to take over caring for their father/uncle/cousin/brother/whatever he is.
Yes, the boy needs support and help. I get that. But not at the expense of continually ignoring or having minimal contact with his remaining parent. He needs objective advice to make the money last as long as possible and help the SS and grandpa. Not throwing it all to keep an old man in a living center he will have to leave in 6 months when the money runs out.
I bet in 2 years time the SS would think things through differently.
I didn't say he is
I didn't say he is rebellious. He needs someone sensible to take over or at least advise him how to make the money work as well as it can and protect him from taxes at the end of the year. Is insurance money considered taxable income?
I get he is a good kid. I didnt say he wasn't. BUT he is 18 yrs old and has a $50K check being handed to him while he is grieving the loss of his mother. Would you hand $50K to a grieving 18 yr old and say "Have at it. Make your own decisions." and expect him to make sensible decision to make the money last as long as possible?
The boy needs someone to guide him. Maybe there are some govt subsidies available for grandpa. Yes, terrific he is taking on his grandfather's care. Wonderful. But long term these are foolish decisions. How will he visit his beloved grandfather without a car?
He needs to man up and accept his father back into his life. His father needs to keep his trap shut and not throw money at the kid thinking this will solve everything and help guide his son to make good financial decisions. Even if he arranges for his son to meet with a financial advisor.
Exactly. SS shuold know what
Exactly. SS shuold know what is important and what is not. HE cannot just expect his father to give him money with no input. Right now, my BIL is helping SS with all financial stuff. My BIL is a smart man so I trust him, although he was very rude to us before. They are looking into further government assistance. Right now, after all the help, BM's father has to pay 12 k out of pocket.
What about OPs ex in-laws? Is
What about OPs ex in-laws? Is this his late mothers father? Is this boy the sole relative? Or the only one with some money? He may be the boy's grandfather but hasn't the man got brothers/cousins/sons/daughters?
BM's family pitched in for
BM's family pitched in for the funeral. But they all just walked away when they heard about BM's father. BM was the only daughter. It was shameful to hear. Who turns their back on a sick elederly man?
SS got a full tuition
SS got a full tuition scholarship to a very good college. It does not make sense for him to give that up. He wants help with rent and stuff. The problem is that my Hwants to give him the car, 400 a month, AND gas and insurance. I just guess I need time to get over how my H was treated by SS.
SS was a year old when our
SS was a year old when our son was born. SS does not remember his parents being together. But he was jealous of us having more money. We did buy him nice things but we never let him take them back to BM's because they would vanish. It just got worse over the years.
Nope your dh can help ss
Nope your dh can help ss every once in while like most parents but he is to NOT give him so much money each month. that is not teaching thins boy to live on his on, he will always have daddy to support him. I would sell his car and give him the money. Or take it to ss and have him sell it. Hew is a big boy now and he needs to make big boy choices!
I know he has been through a lot and I get that but your dh is not doing him any favors if he gives him $400 a month and for how long anyway. Plus ss will come to expect that daddy will give him money every month.
As for the college fund NO way in HELL would I let my dh take money from my ds college fund!
If your dh didn't set one up for his son or if the bm didn't set one up that is not your son's fault!!!! They made that mistake not you nor your son.
I agree the kid needs and
I agree the kid needs and deserves help at this time. but it should be help YOU CAN AFFORD. I too am curious why one has college money and the other does not BUT regardless I don't think it is fair to take from your son to give to his. It was up to BM and DH to care for his financial future, your son should not have to suffer for their lack of planning.
Why not extend CS for a year or 18 months - give him a time limit.
BTW, the state should pick up the care after grandpa's funds run out. Have DH talk to the Social worker at the facility. They should be able to help.
The dad had a college fund
The dad had a college fund for both, but something with BM made him mad and they put all the funds in the 2nd son's. Which is why I think they need to split it back up and dole out money monthly to this SS. He has proven himself responsible. They should not put conditions on the money. Just write him a check and give him the damn car already.