A chronicle of what has changed since I found Step Talk…this turned out really long, but I needed to get it out of my system. Maybe someone will read the whole thing, maybe not; either way it organized my thoughts and feelings and has sort of caught me up to date with my process of coming to terms with (or not) with skids.

I was so relieved when I found this site. It felt so much better to know that other women were feeling many of the same things I was feeling- that maybe I wasn’t as horrible as I felt for disliking SO’s daughter. My first post was in the blended family forums about how I can’t stand her and I asked the question whether others here thought the situation could be salvaged. I’m very thankful for the answers I received. I then got caught up in a frenzy of reading other posts and blogs, reveling in the similarities of other skids’ bad behaviors and habits. I read post after post that reinforced my suspicion that my relationship with SO was not going to work out. I now realize I could have been more objective, but it filled a need I had at the time.

A few other things happened to open my eyes in some other ways, more or less in this order:
Through reading on this site I was able to put some names on the behaviors I was seeing and organize my thoughts. I realized it wasn’t so much that I didn’t like his daughter, although her whining, lying, manipulating for attention, and poor manners/hygiene are annoying. Thanks to this site I gained the perspective that it is his permissive parenting and guilty daddy-ing that are causing the problem. He has been a playmate, rather than a father.

(Time out for backstory). Since before we moved in together he told me his kids are his first priority in his life. That sounded reasonable to me at the time. The safety and well-being of my own kids are my priority. (Back to chronological story)

One weekend after my Guilty Daddy epiphany, SO particularly revolved the weekend around his daughter. He more or less ignored me, which is not unusual, and he probably didn’t think anything of it because I used to tend to make myself scarce on the weekends. I had disengaged last year before I even heard the term “disengage”, which I first read about on this site, but in the past few months had quit doing that because I was resentful of being driven out of my own home. Anyway, I watched from the sidelines as she cajoled him into 11 consecutive games of Sorry (for those of you not that familiar with Sorry, this takes an entire day), ate nothing but hash browns and chips, and once again made him sleep (sitting up) on the couch in the living room with her.

Sometime during the following week I had a minor blow up about being ignored on the weekends. He felt bad and said he would try to be more thoughtful. Thanks to my new awareness, I was truthfully able to frame it in his behavior and not just sound like I don’t like having his daughter around.

Next weekend comes along. He finds an activity for the whole family on Saturday. It was a Home, Garden, and Sport show so it was a little boring for his 6-year-old daughter, so I guess I can’t entirely blame her for all the complaining she did, but all in all it was a pretty good day. Best one we’ve had for a long time, I think. He invited me to play Sorry with them that night, but I legitimately had some work I needed to do.

That week, with all this newfound insight I have and all the obsessive thinking about our relationship I’ve been doing for the last month…a whole bunch of feelings and thoughts and stuff completely spewed out of me. I had printed out some quotes and articles about making the spousal relationship a priority in your life- that it was essential to nurture that relationship in order for the family to thrive. He didn’t really get it, but he was open to talking about it and from there I just let it all flood out. I told him that when he told me his kids came first, I took it to mean their welfare and safety, and I was fine with that. But what was happening is that he was putting a 6-year-old’s whims and wants, not needs, before everything else. It seemed to me he was confusing giving in to her every whim with giving her what she needs. So in the meantime, her whims, as opposed to her well-being, were taking precedent over his spouse. He more or less saw my point, I think.
I brought up the suggestion that his daughter spend a weeknight or two with us every week and switch to every other weekend, rather than the current arrangement of just every weekend. He said he wants to see her even more than he does, not less, even though the arrangement I suggested would be the same amount of time, plus he and I could spend some weekends together (we both work during the week). He accused me of hating her. I explained how I don’t hate her, but I do hate the way he acts with her. I told him he acts more like a playmate than a Dad. He told me he is trying to compensate for her being stuck with her Mom all week. I told him he isn’t doing her any favors spoiling her and letting her act out however she wants. He did sort of see that point.

Unfortunately, I pouted about him not wanting to spend any weekends with me. Pouting is not mature and not productive. The conversation fell apart from there. I said some condescending and critical things (such as telling him to quit being a 6 year old’s “bitch”). And he said it was ridiculous for a 40 year old woman to be jealous of a child. That is SO NOT what I was saying, but in his simplified version, that’s what he took out of it. I couldn’t leave it at him thinking that, so I distilled my whole argument into the simplest terms I could, and in the end he maybe got some part of it.

Somewhere in the whole ordeal we broke up. Fortunately (I think, although I’m still not totally sure) it didn’t stick and we are still together.

Then later in the week I finally got to read the book Stepmonster, as frequently recommended on this site. I will probably devote an entire additional blog session to that book later on. Oh, if only I had read it before the previous big discussion. It clarified the muddy thoughts that had been verging in my mind into incredible focus. Reading this book was HUGE for me. I don’t think my SO will read it, and I don’t know if I want him to because some of the real life examples are either too petty or too specifically extreme, and I don’t want that to turn him off what the book is really saying. But I have plenty of highlighted passages to share with him. Whether we break up or stay together, which remains to be seen, this book just gave me such a clarity or insight that has helped me immensely.

The following weekend my 10-year-old son, who goes to his Dad’s every other weekend, was home and for some reason decided to suddenly be uncharacteristically tolerant of SO’s daughter and they played together almost non-stop. She barely gave her Dad the time of day. Without her cajoling him and without me acting like anything was bothering me, he felt free to admit to me he was relieved to not spend every minute doing what she wanted. I realized he might actually solve some of this.

I did get mad, and still am, that week when SO’s 14 year old son was having some problems and he didn’t do anything to help. He has almost “written off” his son, who gets in trouble and has bad grades. He even said it’s too late for his son, but he still has a chance with his daughter. I highly disagree. I can’t do anything about it, and I’ll try not to say anything else, but I think it’s really wrong. It also directly contradicts what he said about his kids coming first. Only his daughter comes first? This is especially ironic since his son is clearly and obviously his biological son. The daughter probably is not his biological child. But he has raised her since an infant as his own and she knows him as her Dad, so he says he will be her Dad regardless. Privately I feel he is very flattered by her devotion to him.

The following weekend, which was this weekend, it was decided (not by him) that the daughter was going to her maternal Grandma’s for Easter, so obviously no conflict between us this weekend either.

I feel guardedly hopeful about him shifting his priority to our relationship and changing his permissive, guilty ways. In turn, I can be more tolerant and open. I already like his son and always have. I still stall when it comes to the part about spending the next 12+ years with his daughter. I still have the biological daughter thing as a large roadblock. While I know I should admire him for wanting to be her Dad no matter what, I cannot see accepting BM’s daughter into my life like that. I’m mad at myself for it. I love SO and think he is a great guy. And yes, I knew about his daughter going into this. There just is no way to be prepared for what the reality of living through it is really like.

As soon as I am done posting this, I think I am going to actually go through with ordering a DNA test kit. I have found one where the results are accessed online, so I can be the only one that sees the results. I will never tell SO what the answer is. He has to know that I won’t even tell him if he is the biological father, because otherwise the absence of telling him will tell him he is not. Logically I know this is none of my business. But it has everything to do with how I will feel about going forward with this child. Until I see proof otherwise, at this point I cannot believe she is his child.

So that’s where I am so far in the process. Some things seem to be getting better. I need to get this one roadblock out of the way (the paternity issue) and then see if the other issues fall into place.