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OT - Ranting as a BM here..... Do not enter if you don't

luchay's picture

want to hear complaints about BD and CS....

I am sooooo freaking pissed off with this man - my ex husband.

Background. We split. He joined online dating 2 weeks later, met a woman and was "in love" a month later, they bought a house and moved in together 3 months after we split. This was 4 years ago, they are getting married in July - in Italy no less (we live in Australia) No big deal - I like her, she's fine with the kids yada yada yada.

BUT. He was working full time, making reasonable money etc - and paying $250 a week CS (for two kids) The CO also states that he is to pay half of medical, education, extra currics etc. Then his mother got sick, she was ill for about 2 years and passed away last May. (side note - I went through the same divorce, and my father got sick and passed away within 8 weeks of being diagnosed the November before last so we have has the same stressors)

The stress of me leaving and his mothers illness caused his performance at work to take a nosedive apparently, so he quit before they sacked him.

He retrained - told me it would take 3 months - last Jan - Mar no CS but after that he would be earning a lot more etc. So, we suffered through the three months of no payments whatsoever from him. We got by. But the three months dragged out to a year.

He started work again mid January. Now CS here is calculated differently than in the US - it's adjusted each year based on yearly income (both parents only) and the amt of time children spend at each house. You guessed it - no income = CS dropped to $30 a fortnight. This is a joke. He pays his $30 a fortnight, and has paid half of SOME of the extra expenses - not all by a long shot.

The CO also states that we are to pay half the airfares each for visitation (he lives in another state) I told him in Oct last year that I was no longer paying this until he was contributing reasonably towards the children (so I paid it twice the FULL airfares - his bloody half as well as he wasn't earning) I got legal advice re this and told him so.

Soooo. He agreed two weeks ago to pay for the girls dance exam costs this year - he has paid nothing towards the tuition, uniforms, new shoes, costume costs, comp costs etc etc etc. He has paid SOME medical, half of school camps and school levies. That is it. And lets not forget that $30 a fortnight...

Both my girls dance, dd11 is good - very good, she wants to be a professional dancer when she grows up. They do 5 different styles of dance as well as troupes, stretch classes etc. They LOVE it, it's their world. DD11 told me when she was 3 that she wanted to be a ballerina - I know most 3/4 year olds go through this, but they are both still as committed as that first day. I tell you this not to brag but for a reason. dd11 gets Honours with Distinction (between 96-100%) for her exams every year. DD8 gets honours.

Last night I get a text saying that he will only pay the exam costs if I commit to paying half the airfares again. This is $450 for this year alone, out of the $720 a year CS he is paying - I know it doesn't work that way - but I am sure you can all see what I am saying....

I pointed out that he pays fuck all (didn't use those words) and that he cannot seriously expect me to pay out $450 when I am already the one supporting them 90% to his 10%.

He said that the girls should choose the one style of dancing that they love the most and do only that, freeing up my money to pay the airfares as this is important to him!!!!!!!

I told him that what I spend MY money on is not his concern, and that even if they stopped dancing altogether I wouldn't be paying out on airfares until he was paying to support the children a lot more than he does!

He said that neither of us want to waste time and money mediating a new CO so I should just do as he says, I say bring on the mediation. He says he already puts aside 25% of his pay to cover CS and expenses - WTF - he can't be earning that much then...

Lets see, $30 a fortnight CS, half of the school fees was $260, half of camps - total for both kids $335, half for some uniform items they needed $50, half for the interschool sports bus costs $15, half for the hearing clinic yearly fee $13 - that's about it for this year folks. (and don't forget the fucking NOTHING he paid last year!) So, lets see, since January he has paid $913 - in 17 weeks. That's the grand total of 53.71 a week....

I feed them, I put a roof over their heads, I buy their clothes, I keep them clean and warm, I run them everywhere, I pay for ALL the dancing costs on my own, as well as half of the expenses mentioned above. As well as medicine when needed, and all the other stupid little things that come up. I fucking do it all.

And he thinks that I should do more because he won't fucking work enough to support his kids.

Fuck I am sooooooo pissed off with him.

But I did not fight, I did not rail and get angry, I just politely pointed out that what he pays covers barely anything and he has a cheek to ask me to pay more, or for the kids to sacrifice anything rather than getting off his arse and earning more himself. (not worded like that though LOL)

End of rant. Just needed to get it all out, so that I can continue to NOT scream at him.....

Comments

luchay's picture

I like that word.... I am so tempted to call him that. But I won't.

He just emailed me and said
"Sometimes we have to think practically and NOT emotionally as u seem to always want to do and then claim that I don't care about what they want. Perhaps we were just brought up differently.

I am not claiming that I am right and u r wrong I am just putting forward another perspective as their father I thought I should be entitled to do.

U seem to be committed to going down the path with dance for the kids and it's not a matter of whether I agree or not, but financially I can't support it at this stage unless u r paying half the airfares...

U always look at my responses as that I don't care based on my lack of financial support, not all of that I blame u for or not understand...."

I told him "I AM being practical - I budget my money wisely, and OH and myself choose what we are prepared to sacrifice for the kids (his and mine) to do their thing. I do not CHOOSE to sacrifice or ask my kids to sacrifice because you won't work hard like we do to cover what's important to you, if it mattered to you, you would make it happen, like your ipad, smartphone, Italian wedding.... I don't enjoy scrubbing other peoples houses, but I do it - so that I can pay my way, I do not do it to pay your way as well."

luchay's picture

No - you are right - he earns what he earns - but what he wants is for me to stop paying for the kids to dance - which *I* work and earn and pay for NOT him. I am not asking him to pay for that.

He wants me to stop paying for that so that I can pay for them to come and visit him. I say if it's important to him he would find a way to pay for it. If he earns what he earns then perhaps buying new ipads, and smartphones and getting married in Italy would be less of a priority - and supporting his kids would be more at the top of the list.

As I said to him - HE chooses how to spend his hard earned cash - be it $200 a week or $2000 a week, what he does not get to choose is how *I* spend MY hard earned cash.

I think it is completely unreasonable to ask me to stop paying for them to dance so that I can pay for them to visit him - so in essence THEY are sacrificing for him, while he swans off to Italy. I have no problem with him getting married wherever he wants - but don't spend your money on crap like that and NOT support your kids then ask them (and me) to sacrifice to make up for him - does that make sense - and no I left nothing out.

He wants ME to pay to totally support them, which I do, no complaints, what I won't do is ask my kids to miss out on stuff - that *I* pay for and have never asked him to pay for - so that he doesn't have to make any sacrifices to HIS lifestyle.

bearcub25's picture

He wants you to pay bc his finances are tied up in a trip to Italy. I do think that when he said the girls should cut down on dance, that he should get married locally instead of internationally so he can pay to see his kids.

Are the kids joining them in Italy for the wedding?

luchay's picture

Oh hell no!!!

I wouldn't have a problem with it, I am actually appalled by it.

The girls are pretty upset about it, but they tell him they are fine with it and they understand, then they come home and cry to me.

I just don't get it myself, I mean why not get married here, have the kids there, then go to Italy for the honeymoon, but you don't exclude them from your wedding, I dislike my skids but no way in hell would they NOT be at our wedding!!

Disneyfan's picture

He's only paying $7.50 a week per kid.

He should be humiliated. Instead of trying to dictate how you spend the make you make, he should be looking for a second or third job. That way he'll be able to help support his girls.

stressedstep's picture

My Ex can used to be like that, went around telling his "friends" in the pubs how he supported his daughter blah blah blah..............until I stated the facts to the same "friends" in the same pubs and shamed the twat up!!

He tried to make out to my OH that not long before me and OH got together, EX had transferred over £750 to my bank cos we were "sorting things out"....OH was a little bit confused so asked me...I hit the proverbial roof and explained, in front of said "friends and ex and anyone else that would listen that the "£750 paid to me was 2 months back pay on maintenance he couldnt be bothered to pay every week and a fraction of the cost I PAID OUT for my daughters christening that he insisted on having yet paid a quarter for!"

I wasn't working at the time, and I paid three quarters of the cost with the help pf my mom! He makes out he is minted, and he does have a good job, but he is in debt up to his eyeballs. I have £50 a week, which isnt much in the UK considering the cost of EVERYTHING atm, but I manage cos I work now.

Disneyfan's picture

If the new wife is paying, then this guy is truly pathetic. He can barely support his kids and can't help the poor woman pay for the wedding.

He sounds like real winner.

FTMandSM's picture

I agree.

But in my situation, I am the main bread winner. I buy all of our big purchases. Recently a new car. My SO stays at home with our son. He does have a part time job, but it made more sense for him to stay home then to pay an ungodly amount in daycare. So, of course, when BM saw the car, she got mad and made comments about how it must be nice to be able to get a new car. Does this make him a loser because I make more money. I don't think so. I would expect him to do the same for me.

Now in this situation, I have no idea if the ex has a job or not or if the new wife makes more money or if they have kids together etc. But, maybe the OP doesn't know the whole situation either.

luchay's picture

She works full time, she works VERY hard and is a lovely person. They have no kids. The trip to Italy was paid for by her, but he is not at home being a SAHD - he is just lazy.

He is happy to let someone else support him, one of the reasons I left is because his mother (who was in her 80's and very frail) lived with us, we built a granny flat under our house (converted the double garage for her - which she paid towards) He would constantly "borrow" (never paid back) money from her to buy shit he didn't need - $400 cameras, new laptop, gadgets galore - my parents called him "gadget man" LOL He was always doing it, and I hated it. I mean fair enough to ask for help IF you were desperate and it was vital - like the heater died and you had no money to fix it, or the HW system or something - but not for crap you don't need, and not from a vulnerable 80+ yo. He knew how I felt but he kept right on doing it, to the tune of $100s a month, over and over, and behind my back. Then he would lie to me about it.

So, yes, I am sure she is paying, as is her right - but to work F all hours for two years, NOT support your kids and expect ME and MY OH to do it all, then have the gall to tell me to make the kids stop dancing so I can pay for them to come and visit him because he can't afford it? Oh F*ck no.

Disneyfan's picture

The man is only paying $7.50 per kid per week in CS. Regardless of the arrangement he may have with his wife, that is just disgusting.

Choices in the new marriage (to work or not) should impact your responsibility to your children.

FTMandSM's picture

I don't disagree, $7.50 isn't anything at all. But I wonder if he did have a job or not. If he didn't then he cant just make money appear. I really hope he wasn't trying to skip out on CS. That would be a loser thing to do.

luchay's picture

Before I left he was working full time. A reasonable salary - middle income.

After about two years apart he quit his job (see OP - he couldn't cope with the stress of the divorce and his mother being sick - despite joining a dating agency and meeting the new cashcow errrr I mean fiancé within a month of me leaving him and setting up house with her - again paid for by her - within 3 months)

He told me he was re-training, which would take 3 months. It took him a year. He has been working again since January. Not a lot of hours it would seem, now personally - if I was only getting minimal hours at one job I would be getting another job - most people would. I currently run two businesses - I am lucky I can fit them around my parenting commitments - If I was only earning the $200 a week he is saying he gets - well get another effing job, stop bludging off your fiancé and expecting my partner and I to support the kids. The man has responsibilities, and he is NOT meeting them, but then has the gall to tell me what the kids and I should give up for HIM?????

Yes, he is a loser.

Want another charming ex husband story? This is x rated, and TMI most likely - there were three things that prompted me to finally leave him, this was one (the camera story mentioned when talking about his mother above is another)

Ok. So - in bed, he liked sex in ONE position and one position only. I had to lay a certain way, with my legs a certain way, which meant I couldn't really move or get into it much, but he said it gave him deeper penetration (not that I noticed, but then - pinky finger IYKWIM - and yes I AM a bitch) So, our sex life sucked. In the last few months of our marriage I realised how bad things had gotten and I tried my damndest to fix it. On my own of course. So, we barely had sex for years, but one night I initiated it, and he responded, and we got things going, but instead of getting into the "normal" position when the time came I kept my legs where I wanted them. I was able to move and participate and it made for a much greater experience for both of us. We did it again a few nights later, and afterwards he said to me "Wow, I don't know what is going on, but the last few times have been amazing - so much better than normal!!"

So, I told him - that I had kept my legs down and was able to move more, and that increased the pleasure for both of us.

His response? This is priceless, wait for it....

"I don't mean to be rude, but I am talking about MY pleasure here, and how *I* experienced it and I really don't think that what YOU do or where YOUR legs are during sex has any impact on that!"

WELL EXCUSE ME!!! You know who you'll be fucking from now on buddy! Hope your hand is well lubed.

We never did it again I can promise you that.

IslandGal's picture

$7.50??? Fuckn typical of useless deadbeat dads! I have one myself - Father of my two Sons. First 2 years I got jack shit 'cos he refused - yep, REFUSED to work. Not that, THAT should've surprised me - I pretty much supported our household for the entire time we were together (12 yrs).

Then he got married and got a job - I started receiving $112 a month - I cheered over that 'cos it was better than nothing. Then his new wife had 4 kids in 4 years and child support dropped. Then I started earning more money - child support dropped even more. Now I'm lucky if I get $80 a month from the wank.

Another sucky thing about all this is he was also sporadic with his visits - then when eldest turn 16, visits stopped altogether. My eldest didn't want to go over any more and ex didn't push for it - instead, ex stopped picking up BOTH boys (youngest aged 10 at the time) for visits. Then CSA stopped 'cos he quit working for another 2 years.

Last CSA I got from him was in January 2014 - I ain't holding my breath.

luchay's picture

Don't you just love how the system works here!!

You know what though - if he doesn't want to pay what TF ever, we are managing, it's not great, yes I would love for him to support them better - but it is what it is, that part is not even the point - the point is that he has the fucking cheek to tell me the kids should now sacrifice for him when it's not his bloody money paying for the dancing in the first place. If you pay jack shit CS you don't have the right to tell me how to spend the money *I* work hard to earn.

GRRRRR