Why do we even bother?
So CPS apparently talked to BM and said they didn't feel like SD was in any immediate danger and cleared her to go out of state with BM for 3 weeks. BM's story was that SD was having one of her fits and trying to unbuckle her seat belt and BM let her temper get the best of her.
DH didn't fight it. He let her go. CPS said they wanted contact information for BM's parents so they could apprise them of the situation and call to check in on her to see how things were going. I asked DH if he was going to call her parents to give them a heads up or just let CPS blindside them. He said he was going to let CPS do it. I asked if he was going to call them and tell them how the dentist recommends we care for her teeth since we know BM won't do it. Nope, not doing that either. Then I asked if he was going to call them and let them know she has been diagnosed with some special needs and tell them how to deal with her behaviors and what her triggers are. Nope. Ok, well SD has given herself diaper rash again because she refuses to wipe after going to the bathroom are you going to send the diaper rash cream with her? Nope.
I was furious. I asked him why the hell we were fighting so hard to help SD if he was going to turn around and send her into a situation where people don't know how to manage her for 3 weeks. I said I didn't want to end up like many of you who have disengaged but I understand why so many stepmothers have nothing to do with their stepkids and it is over shit like this. I told him both of them created this mess and did a piss poor job of parenting in the past and both of them have dumped their mess in my lap to fix and I was sick of it.
He apologized and said he would do better so we will see how that goes.
SD is due to come back home on the 24th so another 11 days from now. BM texted DH tonight to say she doesn't know what is up with the fits SD throws but she feels SD needs to be seen by someone for them. Apparently she forgot about the 6 months worth of doctors appointments and evaluations and the diagnoses of ADHD, anxiety, PDD-NOS, speech delay, developmental delays, and sensory integration issues and the speech and occupational therapies SD will be starting when she gets back home.
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Comments
Your husband is right. He is
Your husband is right. He is allowing his ex to take responsibility for her own daughter. They are visiting HER parents. Let HER tell them why she lets her daughter be the way she is. Let them be blindsided. Let them find out for themselves that their daughter is not the MOTY and their grand daughter is in severe need of intervention and treatment.
This is one of those things you cannot control so let it be.
Learning, I read your blogs
Learning, I read your blogs and I often prefer not to comment. However today what I am reading is that you care/ are invested so much you're questioning your husband's reasoning and parenting of his daughter with BM. You are pushing this too hard. I've been in your shoes. I cared so much I wrote a 100 page court document with evidence, photo's, detailed descriptions and so forth. I cared so much I got involved with therapists and school. I cared so much I almost forgot to make my OWN daughter my priority. I was so caught up in the wrongs of the situation I missed the obvious. This is not my child or my mess.
I felt so strongly about a little boy that is not mine, that I almost cost myself my relationship. I vested so much I almost forgot that this is not my child nor is it my place to push how I would care for this child.
You cannot tell your husband how to care for his child. Not yours, his. If he does not want to phone BM's parents, it's not your place to make an issue about it. It has taken me 3 years to learn my SO does not have to anything. I didn't learn that until I came here.
"He apologized and said he would do better" That equates to him saying what he has to, to appease you. At some point you need to stop fighting what you perceive your husbands battles to be and let him decide what they are.
I'm not trying to be harsh. I wasted years doing for my SO to "help his son". And it is waste of my time and energy as I am the only person this fight mattered to and matters to in the present. I can only tackle what is important in my own home. As in physical aggression, angry threatening outbursts, manners, respect, food we eat in our house, hygiene and exposure to harmful content. I cannot control/ influence/ help/ hinder/ direct/ manage or any other derivative what happens with my SS outside of my home. His medical well being is not something I can affect without me weighing up very carefully the proverbial foot I am putting down.
Think carefully about what it is you're fighting. Is it that you want your husband to prove he's a good vested parent and worthy/ deserving/ capable of more children with you? Or is it you must be right? Possibly that you cannot conceive anyone can not care about a child like you do? Your morals and personal values must be met?
The issue with calling her
The issue with calling her parents to let them know the situation is because BM cannot manage SD's behavior. The last time SD had a tantrum while she was with BM she came home with a black eye because BM does not know how to manage it and yet she took her to her parents house for 3 weeks where no one knows about her diagnoses, behavior problems, or how to manage them....including apparently BM even though she attended the first visit with the psychiatrist and was apprised of the results of all the testing and evaluations but apparently that wasn't enough for her to realize that hey, there are problems.
I felt there needed to be people around who knew things like what SD's triggers are for her meltdowns, how to avoid them if possible, and how to manage them when they occur so we didn't end up with another black eye or worse when BM loses her temper.
I told DH he was no longer allowed to create these problems due to the simple fact that he won't fight for his daughter and then proceed to dump them in my lap. If he is going to continue to take the easy way out and let SD and BM both walk all over him and get away with whatever shit they decide to pull then I was not going to be involved at all. I'm not spending my life cleaning up completely preventable messes someone else causes because they don't have the backbone to stand up for themselves.
Ugh, I feel you on this! My H
Ugh, I feel you on this! My H as he is not so D right now is terrible when it comes to stepping up dealing with the discipline aspect of things. BM is useless and it's a losing battle. I feel for you.
DH is getting a lot better at
DH is getting a lot better at dealing with discipline. The problem currently is that he lets BM get away with way too much bullshit. BM constantly changes the schedule, doesn't take SD for spring break or weekends like she is supposed to then tries to take other weekends instead. It's just constant.
Someone up thread said by not calling BM's parents to apprise them of the situation he was letting her take responsibility for it. That sounds good on paper but the thing of it is, she does not take responsibility for anything. She cannot handle SD's behavior because she does not know how to. What she does to attempt to handle it escalates it further. That is why I thought he should have called them to let them know the most effective means we have found thus far to handle her behavior.
He didn't do it which I felt just set BM and SD up for 3 weeks of hell and would create problems we would have to fix when she gets back.