Stepmom realization...
I came to a realization recently. That when the turning point in this blended family came it was because I finally stopped fighting with DH and the kids. I stepped back and realized (thanks to this board)that it was futile. They were not my kids and no matter what I felt they were not a reflection of me. Only my son was. I think looking back now, DH's moment, was when I pointed out that why were we allowing the kids to talk to me in a manner that he wouldn't allow them to talk to another adult in their lives. I pointed it out a couple of times. He finally seemed to get that the mouthy remarks out of the kids, should not be tolerated. When he started calling his daughter out on it, things just escalated with their relationship. Little did we know that BM and her had been planning the CO for months. We never stood a chance.
As a stepmom, for some reason, I came into this and allowed them to talk to me with little respect. I wanted them to like me. It didn't matter who I was, SD14 was never going to give me the respect I deserved as an adult in her life.
BM obviously didn't respect us and her futile attempts to back us up were fruitless. Ultimately as the tension in our house got worse, she became the savior for SD.
At least now, DH has stopped blaming me for SD moving out. He has now directed the anger at BM. He sees how SD manipulated her mom. He seems to be accepting of the fact that SD wants no relationship with him. He will never be happy about this. But, I think he now sees that his pride and joy has always been manipulative. So now, his priority is his son. If he can make SS12 see that our house is better for him and that he is truly happy here, than maybe we can pursue full custody of him.
I have never thought of splitting up siblings as a good thing, but in this case it is. SD is treating him horribly and causing him unneccessary stress. We have to see how this plays out, but I hope sooner rather than later he comes to his own realization.
As for my marriage, we are finally back to a nice relationship. Will it ever be what it was before we moved in? Probably not, too many things were said. I still feel like a part of me is suffering from some form of PTSD from the first year living here. I pointed that out to him the other day. He was asking me why I was asking his permission before I encouraged a new friendship for SS. He said why do you keep looking at me like I won't understand? I said because for so long, you made me feel like I was wrong about anything I said about your kids. Sorry but I feel like a war victim and you are going to have understand that. I tried to point out things to you and I was shot down every time. Eventually you get shell shocked. Then add your exwife to the mix and of course I am cautious everytime it has to do with one of your kids.
It feels good to have the house at peace again. It is a shame that SD had to leave to make that happen. But, I am finally okay with that. The real shame is that she has so little regard for her father that she won't try and have any type of relationship with him. He was a wonderful father, active in her life and her school work. His fault in this is that he didn't see the problems in time to stop them from escalating. When he did it was already too late. BM's fault in this is that she doesn't know how to be a parent to either child. She wants to be friends with the daughter and the Police officer to the son.
My advice is to anyone so frustrated with blending these families. Step back and disengage from what you can. Your spouses will resent it but it does seem to wake them up to the problems. Also, do not tolerate from these kids what we would not tolerate from a stranger. Okay I am off my soap box now...
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Well Put!! I pray that your
Well Put!! I pray that your can rebuild a happy and healthier relationship for you and Your Hubby. And pray that the SD will eventually see the error of her ways with regards to her falther, which she will as she becomes an adult.
Good Luck to BM hoepfully your not too wrapped up and played by your daughter that she ends up having no respect for you either.
I don't know if she will.
I don't know if she will. She is a very stubborn girl and she may never admit she is wrong. I hope her BM does before her inability to set rules for her daughter leads to her falling into bad elements. Which is exactly where she is headed.
Sometime falling flat on your
Sometime falling flat on your face is what kicks you back in to gear and on the right path.
Jsmom, I couldn't agree with
Jsmom, I couldn't agree with you more.
When I found this site, I was at my wits end with many things - the exW, the skids, my BF being a Guilty Daddy and not enforcing any rules or boundaries with them, etc... I will openly admit that StepTalk not only saved my relationship - it also saved my sanity.
I learned to disengage from all the drama that the step-parenting world brings. I learned that no matter how poorly the skids may turn out to become, that they are not a reflection of me. I learned to step back and let my BF handle his exW and also to let HIM do the parenting of HIS kids - and all that comes with it. I learned to "not get involved" in any drama/fights that BM would start - most of the time for no reason at all! I had tried everything else for almost 5 years...and disengaging was basically my "last resort" in preserving any sign of my happy relationship with my BF and my sanity.
It worked for me. I know it may not work for everyone - every step situation is different. Like you, however, I discovered that by disengaging, there were less arguments with my BF, less tension between all of us and therefore, a more peaceful, relaxing home. This was EXTREMELY difficult for me - as I tend to be a bit more of a "Type A" personality and do not like feeling "out of control" of things that go on in my home. However, little by little, that "lack of control" feeling started to subside, especially when it was replaced by the increase in happiness and content that I felt when I started putting MYSELF, MY LIFE, MY NEEDS FIRST. Once I started concentrating less on trying to make this "happy, perfect blended family", less on skids poor study habits & bad grades, less on the exW/BM's constant "dependence" on my BF (she lives on the massive CS$$ and works whenever she feels like it basically) - and concentrating more on myself and my relationship with my BF - THAT'S WHEN THINGS STARTED TO GET BETTER and I am proud to say that my relationship is 100 times stronger now than it was before I learned everything I did from everyone here.
Congratulations, Jsmom!! You sound very content and at peace with your realization. I hope you enjoy your new-found peace in your home and much as I do!!!
P.S. Your SD14, unfortunately, will probably need to hit a "low point" in her life and have something bad happen to her before she learns anything about the real world and how life really is. She will need to suffer a little. That's life. It's all part of growing up and becoming an adult. I'm sure she has a small case of "grass is greener on the other side" syndrome. Let her mother be her "buddy" - she'll pay the price for that, trust me. It will turn around and smack her right in the face - the "non-parenting" method of being her daughter's "fun buddy" will only last so long.
yup...yup....yup..... I now
yup...yup....yup.....
I now realize that the skadults are not a reflection on me. MY child is a reflection on me! I am through with inviting the skids to social events at the house, only to be embarrassed by SD's clothes (or lack thereof!). I mean, really...does she think we all want to see her whale tail tattoo on her 250 pound butt crack every time she sits down????? As much as I tried, they simply do not fit in with my family, my friends, or my co-workers. This is not a reflection on me, it is a reflection on DH and BM. Those kid are their mess - - they made them, she bailed on them and then came back into their lives just to screw them up, and DH allowed it.
DH and I have a wonderful relationship when it's just us...but toss in the skadults, and it's a whole different story.