So frustrated
I went from being a successful career woman with no kids, to having three with problems. Truly only two are problematic, but I’m at a loss with them. My guy and his ex adopted a sibling group of three drug babies. What’s known about them is that by 28, their bio mom had 14 kids, all taken by the state. The kids are almost exactly a year apart (12, 13, 14) and they all have different bio dads. Two of the bio dads are dead, and the third is in prison. The oldest is a psychopath. He throws screaming, cussing fits at the slightest provocation. He hates everyone at school, all his teachers, his parents...everyone. He prides himself on being a jerk, says openly that he’s smarter than everyone else, and this justifies how awful he is to everyone. The only “people” he likes are his online friends. The youngest, a girl, is the laziest, most self-centered person I’ve ever met. She doesn’t even bother to be manipulative, just demanding. She’s hateful and rude, a “mean girl” at school, with no friends outside of school. As bad as I feel about calling a 12-year old a bitch, I can’t think of another word for her. When the oldest deigns to speak to her, they gang up on the middle one. He has problems, but they’re comparatively minor, and at least he’s sweet natured. Their parents are completely overwhelmed. Their mom says outright that she can’t handle them, and ever since the oldest made a false CPS complaint against his dad, dad’s afraid to discipline him. So they just run amuck. Everyone is just waiting for them to turn 18 and be gone. They lie about me, and she eggs them on. They tell their mom I say and do things I don’t, and she reacts without verifying, even though she knows what they are. It’s constant turmoil; his ex basically runs our house, via the kids. There’s no point in ever making plans, because she WILL screw them up. Five years in, I’m asking if love is really worth this. He warned me. He took a long time to introduce me, because he said he was afraid they’d scare me away. Naively, I said that wasn’t possible. We’re another six years (minimum) away from freedom.
- Irene H.'s blog
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Comments
I hate this thought, but it's
I hate this thought, but it's true. In a relationship, love isn't everything. Love is something you work at and feel. It's an emotion first, but requires effort to keep. If it fades then it's not actually love. imho
You need your DH to enact some serious boundaries in the home. He needs to take responsibility for his brats (not a word I use often, but false CPS allegations, mean girls, online friends, narcissistic behavior, etc...) Unless he's going to control them, I odn't think you're going to be very happy there.I get some drug babies have some major issues, but that's NO EXCUSE to parent them poorly, it just isn't. BM should have absolutely ZERO control of your home, and you and your DH should have ALL the control. I get they're issues, but your DH is allowing this by not parenting them. BM takes the blame too. They decided to adopt problem children, so now they need to grow a pair and actually parent them.
It's your choice, but unless he shapes up and parents, I don't see this being a very happy situation for you. Love is an amazing thing, but it can't make a relationship succeed by itself.
This is one of those
This is one of those situations that you are lucky enough to have a full view of the situation before you get married.
Honestly, with these three kids.. and the EX issues.. this guy of yours just isn't boyfriend or husband material. He has obligations to those kids that he apparently is barely getting by on.
These kids are part of his life. It sounds like they had a very challenging beginning and unfortunately nature is a powerful thing. Nurture can't always fix what's broken in people.
You know if you choose to stay that these kids and his EX will be in your life "forever". forget about 6 years because these kids will constantly boomerang back to their home. You won't be free of them ever... even if they don't live there.. they will still be in his life and capable of introducing chaos at every turn.
Love isn't enough... It's hard enough to deal with this when you have fairly decent kids involved...coming from experience here. Even then there were times I regretted it. But I don't see any happy ending in your situation.. just wasted time. It's sad.. I mean your guy may be a nice guy and it sucks that he is so undatable due to his family.. but it is what it is.
These troubled kids already
These troubled kids already broke up one marriage. Of course your guy wants a partner to help him with them, but these kids have issues far above your pay grade.
And the problems won't magically cease when each kid turns 18. Nope, the drama will go on and on and on. The kids will have their own kids, equally damaged, and as grandparents you'll be expected to raise the babies while your skids are in and out of jobs, jails, and relationships.
There is no winnable solution here. Please, please move on to something healthier.