FDH is finally considering a custody battle; What to do first???
FDH has finally been pushed to the point he said the words out loud "I'm going to have to fight her for custody". This is a HUGE deal that he would be willing to go through all the BS with Biomom because usually he would do just about anything to cater to her when she tries to start drama. I think she pissed him off enough to make him see that nothing is going to change or get better.
FSS12 has major behavioural issues when he's with his mom during the week but is not a problem when he stays with us on the weekends. Every weekend pretty much starts with DH reprimanding and discipling SS because of things that happened during the week. Things have been much worse since school started. Long story short - Biomom moved out of schoold district but rather than enroll him in the new school he is going to his old school. Since he can longer take the bus he's riding his bike. (BM has no car) SS decides sometimes he doesn't want to go to school. (BM doesn't get up in the morning to get him up for school) Then his bike was stolen from school (supposedly) and now he is walking to school. But with the new found freedom of getting to school on his own he has decided to come home from school whenever he feels like it. BM can't get him to listen to her, they fight constantly and she has had enough of his defiant behaviour. She texts FDH constantly telling him "I can't handle him, you need to take him".
Well, Friday was the last straw for BM and FDH. MIL picked up SS on Friday night (FDH works second shift and can't pick up ss until Saturday) because BM wanted SS "out of her sight". While MIL was there BM told her that SS decided not to come home Thursday after school and the only reason he finally did come him is because BM's MOM went out looking for him and dragged him home. BM didn't tell FDH about this because the "agreed" that the next time something like this happened SS would be living with us....but BM can't afford to lose the CS check. When FDH found out what happened and that BM kept it from him the crap hit the fan.
When FDH got home from work Friday MIL told him what happened and FDH went straight to SS and told him "that's it. On Sunday we aren't talking you home, we're going to pick up your stuff and your living here from now on". Then the texting started between FDH and BM. She freaked out and said "you're not taking my baby from me and no was is Happy Hippos playing mom to my son" etc, etc....
Needless to say, nothing has changed and SS went home last night.
FDH is over the drama and wants to pursue full time custody of SS. There is too much fighting and drama between BM and SS. SS doesn't listen to or respect his mom for reasons I can't even begin to list. He needs discipline and stability and he can't get that from BM and she knows it but she is too dependent on the CS to let her son go.
Where do we even start in trying to get SS full time? I've read a lot on Steptalk about documenting...what do we document? Everything? Not just texts and calls but the erradic behavior and drama? Is it even able to be used in court? How do we pick a lawyer? When do we find a lawyer - after we start documenting and have something to take with us? UGGGHH...this is going to be awful and FDH wants this BUT he is just not detail oriented or patient enough to do this and I will have to handle almost all of it. Feeling a little freaked out but this MUST be done for SS's sake.
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OMG. $10K. I don't know how
:jawdrop: OMG. $10K. I don't know how we would ever be able to afford that. This sucks. I'm sor worried about FDH and SS. I feel so helpless right now.
First thing you need to do is
First thing you need to do is retain a very, very good family law attorney. Then listen to the attorney.
I don't know what state you are in. However, in most states a judge is going to heavily consider the wishes of a twelve year old. If SS tells the judge he doesn't want to live with y'all, I don't think a judge in this country is going to force him to do so. Unless she is abusing him, using drugs, turning tricks on the weekend,....y'all are going to have an uphill battle unless your SS wants to move in with you.
You'll also have to overcome the thresholds the court has for changes in custody. In our state, you have to prove a "significant change in circumstance". The rules are different in every state. Your attorney will be able to explain your state's laws. Remember that courts are always reluctant to change the status quo. They understand that changes in custody are difficult for kids and they'll only do it if they feel like the best interest of the child warrants the change.
When you meet with the attorney, ask him if he thinks you have a strong case. He should be completely honest with you. Be wary of any attorney who is overly optimistic.
Unfortunately, those aren't
Unfortunately, those aren't usually the best attorneys. However, most good attorneys will give you a free consultation, either in office or on the phone.
BM drinks and uses drugs. Bm
BM drinks and uses drugs. Bm & SS scream and yell, push and shove and hit each other. He has no respect for her. She can't discipline him and doesn't try very hard to enforce any boundaries she may try to set for him.
Although SS has said he like being with us on the weekends he doesn't want to leave his school or his friends.
Let's face it - if he escapes his mom by hanging out wiht his friends after school (doing Lord knows what), not coming home, sneaking out of the house...and he gets away with murder at his Mom's house. He is starting to hate her but her screaming at him doesn't phase him and if she yells or hits him he yells and hits back. How do we compete with that kind of freedom when he know's he can't get away with any of that with his Dad and I? he loves hi dad and we have a good relationship - but he rather be with his friends and continue doing whatever he wants because he knows he can. FHD isn't there all week and BM has him on a need to know basis...whenever it serves her purpose she tells him whats happening.
I don't think we have a chance in hell if SS gets a say.
If you can prove that she is
If you can prove that she is drinking and using drugs, you'll have a much better chance. It doesn't matter what SS wants if your FDH can prove abuse or neglect.
An attorney in your state will know how judges in your jurisdiction tend to rule. You'll know a lot more after you talk with an attorney.
Thank you sooo much for your
Thank you sooo much for your advice! I have got to figure out how to prove the drug use. I know that MIL has a few texts from SS asking her to come get him because his mom "left" to be with her bo0yfriend. I hope that can count as neglect!
The best advise I can give
The best advise I can give you....When you talk to your attorney, be honest. Don't exaggerate. Give him all information...both stuff that you think will help you, and anything that might hurt you. Don't take legal advise from anyone other than your attorney. Listen to what he tells you to do, and do exactly that. There is a good reason attorneys are well paid. They know your state laws, but more importantly they understand how to apply that law to your particular fact pattern. They know the judges. They know the court rules. And they know the opposing attorneys. Your attorney will have a really good idea of the likely outcome of your case and should be totally honest with you about your chances.
The school contacted FDH
The school contacted FDH directly. SS had missed 6 days in the first 17 days of school and BM never called the school for any of the absences. She won't get up in the morning to make sure he goes and she won't walk with him to or from school to ensure he gets where he's supposed to be. She also won't enroll him in the school he's supposed to go to in their district so he can take the bus.
She has no job. She pays all of her bills with th CS she recieves from 3 dads. She has no car. The dads pay for everything for the kids and her. She just got her TOUNGE PIERCED with her CS check money.
We have got to start documenting but I feel so doubtful that we can get him. We're afraid he's going to start getting into bigger trouble, using drugs and become a delinquent if he stays with his mom.
The important thing to focus
The important thing to focus on is the kid. She could possibly get in trouble for having the kid enrolled in a school district she no longer resides in and is not providing transportation for the child. But I agree - the school records should be an indication of the behavior and lifestyle of SS.
Based on my experience, the lawyers and judges don't put any weight into how the CS is used. The intent is to be used for the child but there is nothing regulating, controlling, or monitoring this, so it's a moot point. A painful moot point.
OMG, this reminds me of what
OMG, this reminds me of what I was going thru about 5-6 years ago! Here are some things for you to consider:
- Does SS want to live with you and DH? Or would he prefer stay with BM? (We spent $10k in lawyer fees to get custody of SS who only wanted to "prove a point" to BM and as soon as DH won temp custody, SS threw him under a bus so he could go back home to BM's with no rules or responsibilities.)
- Will BM support SS living with DH? (Our BM went from collecting $200/month in CS to paying $200/month in CS. She was so bitter that she refused visitation with SS for almost an entire year. She refused to reimburse us for half of any medical expenses. She fought with the teachers at SS's new school. She made life hell for SS and us.)
- Is SS in therapy? (If he's not already, be proactive. Don't let the courts order mental health evaluations or ongoing counselling. Some dr's and therapists took advantage of the court order to refer us to their dr. friends and perform unnecessary medical tests to the tune of another $10k.)
- Are your assets protected? (Decide if/what you are willing to give to help DH with this custody fight and protect the rest. I lost all of my savings, maxed out my credit, and lost 1/2 of my 401k to fund our fight.)
Feel free to PM me if you want to know any more details. This type of custody battle can be a long, hard road. Best of luck to you.
sadly, it's all going to be
sadly, it's all going to be an uphill battle that may not even be worth the trouble and financial hardship. Don't get me wrong - SS is totally worth all of the trouble and all the money it would cost to get him into a stable home with us...I just want the best for him and I honestly don't think staying with his BM full time is good for him.
To answer your questions - you hit the nail on the head!
NO. SS wants to stay near his friends where he has no rules and responsibilities. He is well aware of how much he can take advantage of his mom and of the freedom he has there. Even though he's starting to make very poor choices, getting into more serious trouble and hanging with the WRONG crowd.
NO -BM will not be able to pay child support. FH pays her $400 a month and she will not only fight tooth and nail to keep that money but also, she has no job and doesn't intend to get one. She will not/can not pay FH CS.
NO - SS is not in therapy. FH talked to SS about that recently and SS refuses to go. He insists that he can handle the craziness with his Mom and doesn't need to talk to a therapist. FH is reluctant to push SS into doing it.
As far as assets - FH struggles financially and I know he can't afford to do this on his own. I would go broke just as you described you did.
I will probably PM you later -sounds like you were EXACTLY in the same boat! Thank you so much for your help!
I read about the issues
I read about the issues people have with Skids and think how lucky I am that we just have SS on the weekends. But then I feel guilty for feeling that way because he doesn't actually cause trouble for us. I wouldn't say he's a perfect angel but he is always respectfull to his Dad & I. I know that it would be hard to adjust since I have never had kids of my own but I honestly think the behavior issues that occur at his Mom's house are because he does NOT respect her. She has always let her kids walk all over her, she acts like a child having a tantrum when she's angry at her kids - she screams, hits and name calls at the kids. She might ground SS for something he has done but ungrounds him after a day. He KNOWS how to play the game over there. He can't get away with that with his Dad and he KNOWS that too.
I know what you mean about "be careful what I wish for". I just don't know what's worse, Watch BM be a crappy parent? Watch DH worry about his son? Watch a smart, funny, loving 12 yr old turn into a juvenille delinquent while we still have a chance to stop it BEFORE he's a lost cause? Or spend all the money we have and DON'T have trying to help him....and still not help him.
I love my FSS. I love my FDH. I hate watching this. FDH and I talked about going forward with getting custody and he asked me to get advice...I just don't know how he will take it if I tell him ALL the odds are against us. It will probably make him give up.
If we can't get SS full time HOW in the world do we stopp the madness happenning at Bm's house? :? :O
If we can't get SS full time
If we can't get SS full time HOW in the world do we stopp the madness happenning at Bm's house?
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Short answer - you can't. But, you can minimize the impact to your household. My DH actually disengaged from BM and SS (16 at the time) for a while. BM always called DH complaining about SS's behavior "you need to do something about your son", so DH stopped taking those calls. SS always called to complain that BM wouldn't let him do xyz, and DH stopped taking those calls too. He paid his CS and that was it. No more phone calls. No more visits. No more drama. DH still got nasty emails, but he ignored most and only replied to the important ones. DH's thought was - if they don't want me to be a part of SS's life, then they just got what they wanted. It took about 6 months for SS to figure out that he still wanted DH in his life. SS had to make amends and finally take responsibility for his himself. It was extremely difficult for DH to look the other way, but in the end it made a world of difference in his relationship with SS.
That's an extremely valid
That's an extremely valid point. I want to be as supportive as I can to FH and infortunatley he is the type of person that when things get hard he gives up. I don't want to do all the work, beleive me, but I don't want him to "give up" trying to help his son. If there is another way that we can help SS I would be willing to try it.
I just want to the right thing. I want to be supportive to both FH and SS. I don't want to resent them or my future situation...I feel like if I DON'T help push FH through this when it starts getting even harder it will seem like I'm selfishly worrying about myself instead of FH and SS.
But, like I said, totally valid point...maybe I should TRY to stand back and let FH do what he needs to do. It's all just so much to worry about.
Document everything. Ever
Document everything. Ever telephone call, every text, everything SS says about BM and what goes on at BMs home, get SS's school records including attendence, record the telephone calls with BM and SS if it is legal in your state.
We have many microcassette tapes of telephone calls with the SpermIdiot and the SpermClan, we have ledger books logging every converstation, letter, e-mail, text, etc ... we have printed up every e-mail and stapled them to the appropriate entry in the ledgers.
Not all of it has been usable in court but it has all been useful in verifying our side of the arguements since the SpermIdiot and SpermClan do not document anything.
When we can pull out the ledger, flip to a date and read the notes from that conversation and show the call on our phone bill there is not much the SpermClan can say other than "I don't remember that". The Judge(S) give more credence to testimony that references a journal, telephone recording or e-mail than a random memory.
Once the SpermIdiots figured out that anything they say, do or write will be submitted to the Judge they quit calling after a few years and our Ledger book entries slowed way down.
Good luck and best regards,