I think he’s embarrassed.

He knows you’re right about BM and about the skids and he hates that you won’t drink the kool aid. He wonders if other people see what you see and think the same. He’s wont change anything and is afraid and embarrassed that he’s a bad parent.
He starts a fight and then he can blame you for his feelings.

Start a journal and write down your thoughts about BM and the skids.
Stop disagreeing with him about the skids or even making commments about their behaviour or actions.
Stop discussing BM, what she’s done or what you think she might do.

Write it all down, get it out of your system but stop taking it to him. If he starts a conversation, smile, nod and then either change the subject or walk away.

When he confronts you on your disengagement, and he will, tell him you don’t want to fight and that you are taking the high road.

Being defensive about his kids is one thing, but being defensive about his ex and her family is quite another. Neither is ok, but at least you can sort of understand when it is about his kids. There is no good reason for him to defend his ex or her family.

Your previous blogs indicate that your DH is enmeshed with his daughters in a very unhealthy way. It sounds like he still has some sort of feelings for BM that need to be resolved since he sometimes takes her side over yours.

Have you considered some therapy to help you figure out why you continue to let yourself be treated so poorly? I get mad on your behalf whenever I ready one of your blogs!

And what kind of a man actually locks himself in the bedroom in them middle of a fight?

Like yours, my DH is over the top protective of his kids, although not the exW. We discuss my adult kids, fairly often, and sometimes in quite a critical way - I am as capable as anyone of seeing their flaws, and I don't get defensive if DH criticises them either. But if I say something about one of the snowflakes, then it's quite a different matter.

He knows you are right and he's wrong thus the defensive mode... through the years I learned not to say, talk or ask anything about BM or Aergia,

I simply change the topic and pretend I did not hear him talking about them, Last time we talked abut them, I exploded and told him, seems like you never really got over BM, why don't you take her back and leave me alone.... that stopped the BM shit lol.

Dh was that way about his kids at first but once he saw how they were using him he agreed with me. Try to open his eyes so he can see how they are.

My DH gets defensive about his kids as well. When we argue about BM he doesn't get defensive about her he just doesn't want to hear what I have to say. Most of our arguments are about the skids or what BM is doing.

My DH is getting better, and he has never stormed off and locked himself in a room, but he does still occasionally get his knickers in a wad and stupidly tries to dig his heels in, when the subject of his parents and their over involvement with BM and skid comes up.

I think it’s a combination of feelings of defeat that he cannot make any headway with his parent’s behavior, and embarrassment that their heads are so far up BM’s arse, that people around us are starting to see things as they really are. I’ve reached a point in steplife that I refuse to sugarcoat the situation anymore, and DH was raised by parents where it’s all about keeping up appearances and putting on the perfect family front. And since I refuse to drink the kool aid, too, I’m viewed and often times attempted to make feel as though **I** am the troublemaker.

My DH can be defensive of skid, too. In regards to that, I’ve just learned to bite my tongue. I DO keep notes on my phone, and write in my journal if I feel it’s worthy of taking note of, though. It has helped us in the past to be able to revisit the details in order to refocus.

The thing that irks me most regarding my DH with BM is the fact that he holds the bar much lower for her than anyone else.

BM has kept a full time job for over a year! Well la-di-freakin'-da. I've kept one since I was 23, and before that, worked heavy part-time work to get through school and get my foot in the door in my career. She has two kids; I EXPECT her to work full time.

Oh, BM is making payments on her new (to her) car. Well, yeah, that's how loans work unless she wants to lose the car.

BM is missing work because she is having "medical problems", but she's keeping her bills paid! Cry me a damn river. I've been having severe abdominal problems for the last six months and didn't miss a day of work because I needed to bank PTO. Did it suck? Sure as hell did, but I have responsibilities and need to "adult" my way through them. DH was none too pleased last night when I said, "well, her choices are work to keep a roof over her head or the boys live with us; not really anything we WILL do if she can't afford it." I think he thought my reaction was over-the-top to the situation, but I don't really care because it's the truth.

I will say, he has never stormed off before. I do think his reactions are because he is embarrassed (he has said before that she embarrasses him) and feels like he needs to be able to justify SOMETHING. Ultimately, though, he knows he can't defend her actions, so he takes his emotional lumps and uses it to become indifferent to her (which he has done a marvelous job on recently; way better than the anger he felt for her for so long).

Ok, it's one thing to be defensive of your kids.. but to be defensive to the point of having a mantrum and stomping off and locking yourself in the bedroom over BM???? That's weird. Maybe my DH is just a prick, but he will be the first one to tell people what waste of space BM and her family are. He's embarrassed AF to be associated with any of them.

Reading some of your past blogs, your husband seems to be VERY wrapped up in his kids and his past.

I mean, when his kids are there, everything revolves around them. He cancels plans that he made with you because his kids want him to do something else. He got pissed when he found out someone he knows, slept with BM (after the divorce). He is defensive of her and her family.

I'm just wondering, where do you fit in?