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Here I am venting again...emotional baggage

Happycamper's picture

Submitted by Happycamper on Wed, 11/20/2019 - 6:57am

I'm just wondering if anyone feels the same way as me as a second wife or if this is normal. I've posted A LOT about stuff going on with DH and with skids. I've posted I can't say a word about skids without an argument. That still rings true. DH brought up something last night and I didn't agree with it. I just spoke my peace. Basically SD19 quit her job. She doesn't work much anyway but she just doesn't want to work. I just feel at that age, she should be doing something. Anyway, I wasn't mean. I just said that learning to work and pay for things is a skill you should be getting at that age. Well, long and behold...big argument because I should be proud of her because she hasn't gotten into any trouble...ok...yes I'm proud she hasn't gotten into any trouble...totally different thing! So this gets into DH whining. He's been doing this a lot lately. He's been divorced 8 years. He starts going on and on about how he wishes he was with the skids more. He hates it when everyone else (BM's family) get to hang out and do stuff with them. Then it gets into how he doesn't like BM's boyfriend of I think 5 years. The skids don't like him because he's not family oriented. He hates that the skids have to live with him. It got to feeling like I could send some regret. Like all of the things he was upset and down about was a result of his divorce and being with me. I try not to take it personal, but I've been through the exact same stuff with my kids. I've missed out on a lot as a result of a divorce. I'm not harping on it because it can't be changed. When you harp on something from what I feel is the past...I mean come on, it's been 8 years. Skids are 16 and 19 not babies. Does anyone else have DH's that still carry a lot of guilt and as a result make you feel this way? Am I totally crazy??? I've been through a lot of junk the 2nd time around. Different from the 1st but I wouldn't say any better. Way, way, way too much baggage to be toting around.

Comments

captjacksprrw's picture

Submitted by captjacksprrw on Wed, 11/20/2019 - 7:39am

My situation varies but yes!  Much baggage and much work for me to get out of a very negative place caused by all this.  Best positive option I can suggest is many very open and honest talks with your DH and seek a very good counselor for yourself and together.  Yes, my two SS's were a big stresser and issue but the true underlying problem was my DW Concierge mom and no, I got the mamma bear claws each and every time I had anything that sounded in any way negative (or asking for behavior change) about the Skids (I have no bio kids). 

If you are committed to making the marriage work then the two of you have a lot of work to do.  You may find that you have a lot to work on with communication and with readjusting the fault from mostly Skids to partly Skids and the rest your marriage.  As for DH he needs to grow up, quit overfunctioning for his grown and nearly grown children and treat your marriage as the central point.

We shall see, but I honestly believe if DW and I can re-dedicate and make our marriage central that it will enable SS28 to finally launch. 

Best of luck and check in with the fine folks here.  I find their comment and shared experiences very helpful and you can vent in safety.

 

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Wed, 11/20/2019 - 8:46am

I feel you in this.  When I moved in with DH - I left the area I lived in - and where my two bio daughters still lived, and moved 100 miles or more to be with him.  From seeing my daughters every day (although the elder was at uni by then) I only saw them every 2 or 3 months or so.  I never complained about this - it was what I chosen so what's the point?  And it would also have somehow seemed disrespectful to DH to be constantly moaning.  

However he did a LOT of moaning in the years that followed - because he wasn't living with his daughters and only got to see them EOW.  I would have loved to have seen my daughters EOW!  Admittedly his were a lot younger, but still.   I felt that my sacrifice had been a lot bigger and I never went on about it.  

 

Happycamper's picture

Submitted by Happycamper on Wed, 11/20/2019 - 9:14am

This is me too. I am living with DH and my kids are not in the same state. DH sees his at least once a week sometimes more. I would love to see mine once a month!!! I don't make him feel terrible about it though. I am sacrificing much, much more than him. He's never happy with what he gets. If the skids go on vacation with BM, he's jealous he isn't taking them on vacation. Or he hears they had a great time as a family with BM's family he's sad he wasn't part of their experiences. It just makes me feel like I'm not enough.