I know your feelings. I'm a person like you who gives 110% at everything. I've do so as a SM as well. I have no regrets. I know I didn't make mistakes. I held my tongue. Yet, somehow my SD hates me and neither SD nor SS can think to get me a damn Cmas gift after 15 years. I mean nothing to them. It doesn't matter that I bathed them, wiped SS butt, gave them many of their laughs as children, taught them many things, experienced many firsts with them. Nothing matters when a manipulative, alienating bitch is around.

I don't have the same advice. Mine is be DONE with her. In 15 years there has not been a productive nor beneficial conversation that DH nor I have had with her. She doesn't tell us things that we need to know so no conversation will ever be worthwhile. About 2 years ago I came to this conclusion and now I live a better life. I don't acknowledged her in anyway. I don't answer the phone if it is her (she can reach DH or skids on their phones). I don't speak with her AT ALL. Almost two years now and it's been wonderful.

We very seriously do not talk with her about even serious topics because she always just uses them to benefit her relationship with the kids. "Oh, Dad is mad, but I'm your friend, you're not in trouble". There are logistic things that DH discusses but it is very to the point and that's it. There are no long discussions at all.

Now our pains come from how awful the SD treats us, but she's someone I love so the pain and struggle will hopefully be worth it one day for her.

The only words I have left for BM are "go f*** yourself". I'm waiting on the day that she dares to speak to me. Honestly, if the absolute worst happened that is all I would say to her.

She has damaged my family irreparably. Nothing she could do can ever make up for the events we missed because she didn't tell us, the school yearbooks and photos we never were informed of, and most of all the relationship we should have had with the kids. She's maliciously manipulated and alienated the kids from us. SHE cheated on my husband, SHE ran him into crazy debt, SHE lied, and actually stole. SHE did all the things wrong and continues to do so with the subsequent husbands. She's never once learned a lesson. When I finally realized that she keeps repeating the same huge mistakes, I knew there was NEVER a chance of a working relationship with her.

We have done everything right and because she has manipulated our kids, we have been treated soooooooo much less than we ever should have been. Nothing can get that time and the relationships we deserve back.

My SD hates me because I hate her mother. I'm too good of a person to tell her all the reasons why I hate her so much. And I continue to be hated.

There's a special place in hell for people like her.

I use to have unlimited amount of anger towards bm, that I never thought I would ever be giving her Christmas gifts, or communicating to her about plans, etc, or even sharing good news.

Part of your situation is that it hasn't been enough time. I have been involved in ss's life for 9 years, and it was until 2 years ago she started to turn around and sent kindness in our direction.

The anger you are holding onto is in part b/c you want to make things "right". You want to hold bm accountable for her actions. When I asked my therapist how do you let go the anger, he said "you just do it.." You have to ask yourself, is what I am fighting for worth it? For instance, ss lived with us full time last year, and for years bm fought tooth and nail to financially rape my dh, not b/c she would have spent that money on her son, or provided him a stable home, or maybe it would have put them in a better neighborhood, no, she is selfish and any money would have gone to her selfish desires. Then when ss came to live with us, she was paranoid about what she was going to have to pay, and since my dh doesn't really believe in cs, he totally cut her a break. Then in the summer when ss went to her house to visit her, she didn't pay any cs. This would outrage a lot of people b/c bm isn't being held to be a responsible parent. To me, getting angry over 3 months of cs isn't worth the stress, so I let it go, I just don't worry about it. Is it unfair? yes. Does it allow her to continue to be irresponsible? yes. Would she do the same for us? HELL NO. But to me, everyday that I spend upset about anything to do with bm, contaminates my energy for my family. I can't be upset with bm and at the same time enjoy the precious moments I have with my dh and 2 year old.

Gwen, it does take time to get over things. But how you get over them is just asking yourself, is it worth my life being upset over money? Or the control she has right now? It's certainly frustrating, but you should let it go. And how you do it by just not placing value in her actions...like when she is being vindictive, you have to think...she is miserable and she is trying to get me to join her, and I just won't make her successful, so I'm going to treat whatever she does/says like water on a ducks back.

This is so much easier said than done, but as time goes on, you get better at it each day. And the less you allow yourself to be miserable over dh's ex and her evil actions, the happier you will be in your life. You will really be able to enjoy the company of your family, friends, co-workders a lot more when you finally let that brick around your neck go...

You just do it...you just say to yourself over and over, I'm letting it go. Sometimes you say it 100 times in a minute over one of her actions. But you just do it..

I hope this helps.

Candice

One day you'll just decide that you don't care anymore and then you'll be able to flip that switch and turn it off. For me, it took five years of abuse from her, five years of sacrifice and pain for us and five years of my bending over backwards to make things work. I finally just had to come to the realization that she's never going to change her attitude and that all my trying was for nothing. I just stopped caring about whether we had a good, functioning relationship with the BM. I mean, it was a waste of my time and energy, not to mention that it sucked the joy right out of my life. I feel like I did what I could, I tried my hardest and now I just don't give a damn anymore. I tried and keep trying to be good to the skids, but as for the BM, I have nothing to do with her. I have zero contact with her. On occasion, my husband has to talk to her, but I never do. No phone calls, no emails, no nothing. My contact with her is limited to sending her the new insurance cards or something like that, but nothing else. I don't hate her anymore, because I just don't care anymore. I'll never forgive her for all the horrible things she's done to me, my husband and the kids or what we have endured because of her, but I don't carry it around with me anymore. I just don't waste my energy on it. We are now dealing with the effect of her alienating my husband from the kids and all the pain that has caused, but as far as her personally, we just don't have anything to do with her anymore. It's just not worth it. I think that when you become a stepmom, it's something that you almost have to do. You have to run the gauntlet, so to speak, to prove yourself. You feel like you have to reach out to BM to try to have a good, working relationship with her for the sake of your husband and the kids. Some of us spend years trying, because we know or feel that it's the right thing to do. We continue to let ourselves be targets, because being a good wife and a good stepmother means you take the hits for your family. But at some point, I think we all have to come to the conclusion that we've simply done all we can and that we've simply taken all the abuse we can take. And then letting go doesn't become a choice, it just happens naturally. It's a process.

~ Anne ~

I agree with these ladies above.

My anger began to interfer with my relationship with BF and SS's--to the point where I was just pissed all the time and it really had nothing to do with them--it was BM. That is when I just said "I'm not doing it anymore" I don't talk to her and even went as far as to tell her to direct her comments/questions to BF and not me. This happened at a soccer game in which all five of our children were playing. BM kept approaching me on the sidelines to tell me this that and the other. Now under normal circumstances I may not have cared, but then she started hanging out with my family and basically intruding where she had no business intruding--trying to "be nice" after she had verbally attacked me numerous times, told nasty lies about me to friends and even accused me of having an affair behind BF's back. I told her at one point "I don't like you and I want you to leave me alone. If you need to say something say it to BF and not me." She hasn't approached me since then.

For me this was the only way to deal with my anger. I had to remove myself from the firing line. Now that I don't "deal" with her--she hasn't had much of an opportunity to attack me. Although she does sometimes say thing to BF--but it's easier to hear it from him then her.

Alisha

Hey I use to say "Kids first" yada yada--until very recently I believed kids should be first--but something my mom said and few things I read changed that. I posted about it yesterday--check it out if you like and post a comment. It was titled "Changing the focus--who agrees/disagrees"

Alisha

I kind of had a lightbulb moment one day after 5 years of being hurt and pissed because of oldest SD. Your right, it's a burden carrying those feelings around everyday.....how do you get rid of them? Recognizing it doesn't make them go away! Trying to ignore them doesn't work..or pretending they're not there doesn't work.

Peace has to come from within you. How to get there is different for everyone. They're gone for me. Nothing else around me changed. SD didn't change. Hubby didn't change. The interactions didn't change.

When My perception of things changed!! Bamm! Instant releif!!

SD is who she is. I did not mold her. I had no influence. Her actions aren't a personal slight against me...she would be this way to any woman A, B or C. who stepped into her fathers life. She is her mothers child..and very much influenced by her. That's just the way it is! Right or Wrong. That's the facts. She does not want a close relationship with me. Whatever her issues are surrounding that..they are HER issues to worry about..NOT MINE. So I will not take her problem on as my own. (Hubby kept telling me these things..by the way..over the last 5 years..but it ate away at me..and my feelings would get hurt by her over & over again..(he would deminish my feelings too..which then caused trouble b/t us)...then we'd be fighting.

As soon as my expectations of what our relationship (me & SD) could be were brought in line with what our relationship really is..and that it would be no more than that.
I was fine, the hurt went away, the anger over it went away, the arguements with hubby over it stopped. I accepted it for what it was. But I had to find my own way to that point.

I will be 'the woman who answers the phone at 'my Dad's' house' and any expectations beyond that..are pointless. I think she has some confusion and loyalty issues regarding her mother...and that will not go away ..but there's nothing I can do to change them.

As long as things weren't meeting my EXPECTATIONS I was left holding the bag.
It didn't matter anymore that her actons weren't RIGHT...of course they weren't right. Could I expect any better of her? nope
(It's WRONG of ME to expect something from someone who can't be what I think they should be) ...so my expectations had to change......

I don't feel sad about it....
I don't hate her for it....
I don't pine for a relationship with her...
I don't have any regrets...

An analogy would be. I can't control what my neighbors have for supper....do I sit around the house all upset...or talk the ear of a counsellor or fight with my hubby over it. Of course not! That's crazy!! Same goes for oldest SD!! I can't tell her to buy a gift for so & so any more than I can make my neighbor visit his mother once a week....and get pissed when THEY don't do what I THINK they should!! I can't control what other people say or do...they are who they are warts and all.

I don't know if this helps or not...because when hubby was spewing this crap....it didn't really help me. I had to get there on my own..but once the lightbulb went on ... I totally got what he had been saying.

I tried ... :?

BM doesn't really get to me the way she used to anymore. Yeah, I still get pretty offended, shocked, etc. at some of the things she does, but I'm nowhere near as immersed in it as I used to be, which was my MAIN problem and the reason I was so stressed, frustrated, angry, etc. I think a lot of what has helped me is realizing that BM will change on her own time, if at all, and that I have the power to change myself whenever I am ready and willing. It was hard to give up complete immersion in her world, because for years I buried myself so far down in it in my naive attempt to try to make things "right" or convince her that I wasn't the tramp whore that she thought I was. Then, after years of running myself ragged and bending over backwards trying to live up to her stupid demands and prove myself to her, I took a step back and looked at her interactions with other people, and realized that it was actually not PERSONAL. She didn't hate me, and she doesn't hate me now...she hates, or feels sorry for, or is guilty about, HERSELF, her OWN actions, feelings, and "failures", and takes that out on EVERYONE, not just me. It's not only me that suffers from her ridiculous bouts of insanity. Everyone around her - parents, family, friends, her child - EVERYONE has to deal with it. So at this point, I've realized two things:

1. I can never change her
2. It's not personal

Coming to these realizations allowed me to analyze my own behavior and realize what -I- could change in myself in order to lessen the contact with her, and hopefully as a result lessen my own anger, pain, and frustration. I saw how much time I spent talking to her, counseling her, emailing her, messaging her, etc. I started really looking at my OWN behavior to see what I could change to reduce my own stress level. I used to check my email dozens of times a day to see if she'd sent me anything. Do you know how pitiful that is and how petty and obsessive it made me feel? Not just checking my email dozens of times a day...but doing it just to see if BM has sent me something? That's ridiculous! I read over some of our email conversations and realized that most of our exchanges were the exact same things being said by both of us, just at a different time or as a result of a different instigating event. I realized that I was wasting so much time trying to rationalize with someone who had absolutely no potential of being rationalized with. BM doesn't WANT to change. She doesn't WANT to accept or respect me. And she's not going to until SHE'S ready. Nothing that I do, no amount of time that I spend trying to convince her that I'm a good person will change the fact that she's going to make these changes (or not) on her own. I was and still am honestly regretful for all the time, energy, and emotion that I spent trying to "convince" her, that I COULD have been spending doing something productive. I actually had an epiphany a few months back, that BM might actually respect me MORE if I had NEVER immersed myself in her bulls&$% and just lived my life not worrying about how it was going to rub her the wrong way. Maybe all of those conversations actually did more harm than good. If anything, she would definitely know that I wasn't a pushover if I had just ignored it all from the beginning.

Like I said, there are still things that BM does that just rub me the wrong way. I still get upset from time to time over her stupid games and ridiculous antics. But instead of focusing my life on trying to find more and more things and people that she's doing "wrong", I just deal with it (or not) as it comes to me, and not worry about it or go looking for it in the meantime.

Also, I've come to understand that BM and I are two completely
different people, and even in normal everyday life if she wasn't my BF's ex and we happened across each other on a day-to-day basis, I would probably never even consider her "friendship material". Why? Because there are differences between her and me which under normal circumstances would never promote a healthy relationship between us. I am motivated, energetic, neat and clean, accepting, social, happy, and athletic. She is lethargic, constantly complaining, lazy, always the victim, messy, closed-minded, antisocial, and bitter. How could the two of us EVER get along?!

It has definitely been a difficult SLOW process...but I have made a lot of progress, matured quite a bit, and learned a LOT about MYSELF throughout my struggles with these issues. I don't know if any of this has helped you at all, I hope it has, but sometimes just seeing someone else's story can help us find ways to help fix our own.

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

I'm usually so rushed when I type.....and when I re-read things later..I don't think my words adequately discribe what I was trying to convey. Nymh, Your posting describes the process I've gone through very well. It's like, why was I wasting my time trying to foster a relationship that will never exist....then something clicked.

It'll drive you crazy...We use the expression 'it's like putting a Newfoundlander in a round room and telling him to go piss in the corner'. *

You'll just go around and around in circles looking for something you'll never find..that just dosn't exist!!

Spare yourself...the misery..work on your own self out-side of everyone elses influence. Who would you be & what would you be doing at this moment instead of obsessing about, talking too, dealing with , discussing the 'problem' that's eating you up. I like the expression someone used..'renting space in your head'..they don't belong there..get them out move on.

Like you, I still get annoyed or pissed at things..but I deal with those emotions as they come..then move on.

SD is still being a bitch to her Dad....He sent her a nice e-mail, chatting about this & that ending with "love ya, Dad" Her responce a curt 2 word snip! Apparently she's still in punishing him with silent treatment mode.....

I mean Whatever!!!! Get over yourself woman!! But I have to step back..he's a grown man..that's HIS child...and HIS relationship to work out....and my involvement in it is that I just have to support him.

BTW...since I backed off and told hubby how I view my relationship with his daughter. He stepped up. I feel that he completely gets it now....and supports me & my feelings...and isn't fighting me or constantly defending her anymore. He's probably her biggest 'basher' right now...and I have had to tell him to back off and cut her some slack. Ironic isn't it!!!

Thanks for your post.... I know you get what I'm trying to say and that makes me feel good that I'm not alone.

PS * no offense to any Newfoundlanders....meant. I think they are awesome! They are the salt of the earth. God love them!!!

I tried to talk to BM #1 once and only once. It was regarding her daughter's meth problem, which since my Husband works long hours, I was mainly dealing with.

She hung up on me twice and I just gave up then and there. Too bad for the kids, but I can't do anything about it. Her daughter ended up getting pregnant, while using meth, at 17. Now I just feel sorry for the baby and hope he will not have learning disabilities from the drugs.

The first time I met BM #2 she was making vulgar remarks about my husband genitals, loudly and in front of the kids. I'm not even kidding. Then she tricked me into letting her see my drivers license, photocopied it without my permision and threatened to "dig up the dirt on me." I have zero criminal history so I wasn't too concerned, but it didn't leave much room for allusions about her and I getting along. The relationship went downhill from there. The woman is evil in a bottle, but I find that no one walks between the raindrops forever.

If she is hysterical towards you, it will eventually show up in her behavior other places. BM #2 can't hold down a job to save her life and can't hang onto an apartment. My in-laws remember her as the one who stole from the Church. Not a very nice legacy.

At the same time, I too get tired of being told to just "be nice." Sometimes it really is necessary to draw a line in the sand. That said, I only pick the battles I'm willing to put time, energy, and money into. Sometimes a new outfit or a dental appointment is a higher priority for me.

Good luck finding a place of serenity with the BM.

// Susanna