Why would you actively discourage your child from doing something that is probably best for all involved?
SD18 has been a reluctant college student for some time now. Everything has been handed to her on a silver platter before, so she's having a hard time accepting responsibility for her own actions. DH pays 1/3 of college expenses, BM pays 1/3 (or is supposed to), and SD is responsible for the other 1/3. Which necessitated her getting (and keeping) a job. She's had it for five months now, which is a record for her.
Well, SD18 first tried to drop out of college after her first semester. DH persuaded her to stick with it against my wishes, as I feel if she's not going to take it seriously we should not be paying. She wanted to do an alternative 9-month program. DH dug in his heels and SD decided to stick it out at college.
Now she's texting DH asking him about transferring to another college in BM's town (the town where SD18 went to high school). DH is again resisting/trying to discourage her. Admittedly, the quality of this college is not as high as the one she is currently attending, but it is considerably less expensive (like half as much) and is closer to our town (more convenient for DH to drive to see her) and her BM is there (meaning she can get support if she needs it).
DH still thinks she should stick where she is, and he's telling her as much. I don't understand. You know your kid is not happy with the situation and they are proposing a change that makes sense for all involved. I'm really baffled by DH right now.
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Maybe DH thinks SD will quit
Maybe DH thinks SD will quit school if she goes back to her hometown...maybe he feels there are bad influences there?
Perhaps. But she really
Perhaps. But she really spends almost every weekend driving to our town (but not seeing DH) because most of her "friends" are here. She burned her bridges with a lot of the kids she went to high school with, and they ended up at the same college with her, which is why she wants to move. But she's nearly 19, not 12. She could drop out of college tomorrow if she wanted to and fall in with those "bad influences." It's time for her to stand on her own two feet (or not).
Yeah it's really impossible
Yeah it's really impossible to say without hearing DHs side of the story...I think there could be good reasons butit is hard to tell with the info provided.
Is it a control thing or
Is it a control thing or competition for him?
Maybe even old habits of treating her like a child.
All points of view are
All points of view are welcome. I am really baffled. Control, I doubt. He learned long ago he can't control SD18 as far as he can throw her. Competition, I'm not sure. I do know he really wants her to complete college, as he dropped out after a year. But he later went on to get his degree, so it didn't completely derail his education. I'd personally rather she take a year off and get her head on straight, and I think having to work in the real world would convince her pretty quick that she has it good in college. I think his concern is that if she drops out, she'll never go back. But now she's not proposing dropping out, just transferring.
My SO didn't go to college.
My SO didn't go to college. he dropped out after a few semesters because he knocked up BM. I know it bothers him and he insists his children ARE going to college. However, my SD has shown no consistency in holding her own in high school so far. I'm not so optimistic about college, but I could see my SO forcing it too.
What I'm saying is maybe your DH doesn't want his daughter to do the same thing he did. He just wants to her go stay with it and get it over with?
I am betting he thinks that if she is closer to BM, that there are 'influences' that will cause her to slowly lower college as a priority. I could really see this with my skids. BM does not make education a priority. Its just something you get through and do. We sent SD to a nice private college prep and a little coaxing from BM -- along with SD's own personality faults-- it was easy for SD to say I don't want to do this anymore and go back to public school where she earned C's and D's.
I completely see your point though on the tuition. I personally hope that SO doesn't pay a lot for college for SD, because I don't think she'll take college seriously enough.
I would do everything in my
I would do everything in my power to keep my son in college.
If transfering increases the chances of her dropping out, I'd fight it as well.
My SS took a semester off to earn extra money. 2 1/2 years later he's working full time in a burger joint with no plans to return to college.
Yeah, I'm just not sure
Yeah, I'm just not sure transferring would increase her chances of dropping out. She's a bit immature, so I think she's having a hard time adjusting to being responsible for herself. If she was back in BM's town, where her maternal grandparents also live, she would have more resources to fall back on, more support, etc. It's hard to say what he's thinking. I sure hope he isn't doing this just to spite BM/keep himself "in control" of SD18.
More support? or more
More support? or more opportunity to let someone else take care of her and her be lazy?
I agree with him. She should
I agree with him. She should stick it out. She made a commitment and needs to follow through. He is her father and he wants her to get a good education and if she drops out, the chances of her going on to finish are almost nil.
I agree with your husband.
I agree with your husband. The first year at college can be painful to some kids. They need to stick it out and get comfortable in making their own decisions. My BD wanted to drop out after the 1st semester... it wasn't what she expected.. blah blah blah..She wanted to take the next semester off, was really indecisive and was homesick that first semester which caused her physical illnesses like migraines, stomach aches, etc.
I gently coached her to stay the remainder of the year, helped her with her homesickness - actually had to tell her that she was making herself physically ill and needed to admit she was homesick, it was ok to be homesick and to get involved in the campus activities
and she FINALLY has found herself. She doesn't 100% love the college, but she is finally loving her classes and activities.
It does take a while for some kids to adjust and get past the homesickness and what not.. As long as she is not failing out of college, I would encourage her to complete at least 1 year and then decide if it is something she wants to continue with.
Do you think maybe he's
Do you think maybe he's jealous of the idea of her being closer to BM and spending more time with her?
My SO's daughter is a senior,
My SO's daughter is a senior, 17. She wants to go to San Francisco State next year. She has been accepted at school and to live on campus. I forsee her being very homesick and not being able to keep up with the work. BM helps her to this day with her homework, and controlling and enabling. The kid won't know what to do by herself. Maybe, just maybe she will surprise me. I keep my feelings to myself of course. Example: On Sunday BM calls SO early in morning to remind SD that she has a report due on Thursday and BM wants her to start on it on Sunday, because she forsees SD letting it go and on Wed night staying up very late to get it done, then she will be a tired cranky the next day. So what! If the kid can't handle scheduling her homework by now...she won't be any better next year when she goes off to Northern CA (we live in SO Cal) by herself. BM just won't let go. My SO is a little better, he says to his daughter, you know what you need to do, can you go out tonight and still get it all done? Which I think is the right way to handle it. My personal opinion is the kid needs to stay close to home and go to JR college and see if she can make the grades, then transfer. He thinks she will be better off getting away from her mom, and yea, maybe, but I don't think she will be able to do it alone. But again...not my money...not my kid! I'm reading a book on detachment...which one principle is 'there are 2 kinds of business, my business and not my business'.