How to cope when you want the stepkid(s) to disappear forever and they just WON'T oblige...
I know, I know, I know that DH is a great part of the problem, but I cannot get past the feeling that if SD19 would learn to be an adult and stand on her own two feet, things would get a lot easier. I am SO SO SO sick of being lied to by omission and misdirection and then yelled at for being upset about it.
So, latest was DH wanted to get our two BDs together with SD one last time before we move out of state, so he arranged to meet her at a local kids' venue. OK so far, right? Wrong. Said kids' venue is right next to a Best Buy, and lo and behold it was a ruse so DH could buy SD19 a laptop computer. I am against this (not that I was asked) because 1. SD19's college provides free laptops for student use, 2. SD is 19, if she wants something she needs to buy it, 3. We would NEVER spend that much money on a gift for our two BDs, and 4. That money comes partly from me and it's not fair that DH and SD19 can spend MY hard-earned money willy nilly. BUT, neither DH nor SD19 told me about the purchase of said laptop. So at this time, I know nothing, and DH has somehow convinced our two BDs not to tell me about this side trip.
Fast forward a couple of days to the second part of this deception. Even though DH JUST saw SD19 three days earlier, he informs me he is driving to meet her to give her the last of her boxes from our basement. I am getting fed up with this because there were literally one small truckload full but he has been stretching it out over no fewer than five "visits" with SD19 and STILL hasn't given her all her stuff. But fine, whatever, just get it out of my house. DH was going straight there after work and so should easily have been home by 6:30. He doesn't roll in until 8, and I go to the basement and discover he didn't even TAKE the damn boxes he was supposed to be giving to SD19. So I ask and he claims he didn't because his back hurt. At this point, I will load the damn boxes into the truck myself, and I was right there at the time and he didn't say a word. OK, so if he wasn't delivering the boxes, what the hell was he doing?
THIS is when it comes out that he was helping SD19 initialize a new laptop. Um, what new laptop? Oh, SD19 bought a laptop, according to DH. He doesn't know I know the actual truth from his texts that he asked her to pay $200 (which she has yet to give him, I might add, and likely has no intentions of ever forking over) and he paid the rest. So no, SD19 did NOT "buy" a laptop. And he never breathed a word that this was what he was going to spend hours doing. So then we get in a big fight because he is SURE he told me that was what he was doing when I KNOW he did not. Then of course he turns it around about how I won't let him do anything for SD19 and he can do whatever he wants for her, she's his daughter, blah blah blah.
Anyway, just venting but sometimes I really wish SD19 would either A. drop off the face of the earth or B. actually become responsible for herself. Not that I see either of those things happening, but sheesh. I didn't think there would still be all this damn drama after she was "grown."
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He just refuses to see that
He just refuses to see that as lying. I cannot convince him. I even said, Well, how would you like it if I said I was doing X with our two BDs and then went and did Y, which I know you don't like, and didn't tell you? He didn't answer, and I'm sure in his mind that's not the same thing.
I know. I didn't want to drag
I know. I didn't want to drag them into the middle of this or I would have been more confrontational. But they were gone for a REALLY long time AND were late getting home, so I suspected something was up. BD8 was kind of shifty and shy when I mentioned they sure did spend a LOT of time at the kids' place and was that all they did? So I'm pretty sure a conversation was had about mommy not being happy about this, PLUS he had to take them to Best Buy BEFORE he let them to go the kids' place, so I'm sure they weren't happy about that.
SD19 minimally has a job, and DH is SO proud of the "poor struggling college student" that he gives her whatever she wants without a thought of telling her to earn it herself. She maybe works two five-hour shifts a week but always makes a point of texting DH telling him she's working so he thinks she's doing SO MUCH!
I would also be angry that he
I would also be angry that he was dragging your Bios into the deceptive web. Oh Hell No.
Sure, DH can do 'whatever' he wants for the SD... is it possible to separate your finances (I don't recall if you posted anything about this in a previous blog)?
I have been in this situation, I overheard my DH telling someone that he was going to buy both his kids each $1200 gaming computers with his bonus from work. Gee, and "MY" bonus paid off one of HIS credit cards. That was one of the many precedents for me separating our finances.
sometimes I really wish SD19
sometimes I really wish SD19 would either A. drop off the face of the earth
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I think I would be wishing your DH off the face of the earth. What a loser.
Now, I agree that he should be able to buy his kid a lap top if he wants. But if it is also your money, then, no he should have talked to you first and not lied about EVERYTHING. SEPERATE FINANCES!!
I HATE LIARS.
I really think you have bigger problem with your DH than with you SD.
I actually do not agree he
I actually do not agree he should be able to buy his kid a laptop if he wants, and here's why:
1. This is a several hundred dollar expenditure, and he made me agree when we got married that neither of us would spend more than $100 on anything without the other's approval.
2. WE didn't even get a laptop until last year because of the expense. If a grown man and woman didn't get a laptop until they could afford to buy it themselves, why is SD19 different/special?
3. SD19's college provides her with a laptop. So she does NOT need two.
4. Our own two BDs don't have ANY of the latest electronic gadgets their friends have because of the expense, but he spends all his time tripping over himself to get SD19 whatever her heart desires. First it was an ipod nano (back when they cost $250), then a blackberry, then an iphone, then a GPS, now a laptop.
I know exactly how your
I know exactly how your feeling. With stb-formerSD15, she would have been happy to never see me and stb-xDH but he wouldn't just let her go. Why do we have to have these people in our lives destroying our marriages?
And this is why I won't get
And this is why I won't get married. Keep my money separate. Just be glad your moving out of state, hopefully it's a few state's away from step daughter.
Elizabeth - just a thought -
Elizabeth - just a thought - I would keep a running list of everything he's bought for SD19 this year, what it is and the amount spent. Then when he goes off on you for spending on your BDs I'd hand him the list and ask him to explain why BDs needs aren't as important as SD19's wants.
~BettyRay
OMFG!!!!!I can feel your
OMFG!!!!!I can feel your pain.....
Elizabeth...the first major
Elizabeth...the first major problem is getting your kids to lie to you...that is CRAP.
I also have a SD19 and that is a rotten age. They think they know it all and are so shady...but isn't it funny that you find everything out.
I HATE spending ANY money on SD19, but I understand that we need to HELP her a bit. My definition of help is very different from DHs.
Just understand that ANY amount of money he spends on her is owed to the other two as well. So spend it. Go out and go nuts and allow them to have a few spendid extras.
Unfortunately, 19 yr old SD are at the worst age...ugh...I think this age and time of life is FAR WORSE than when we had to deal with BM and pay CS.
my ex did this shit all the
my ex did this shit all the time about everything, we didnt even have step kids but this is what I always heard:
"because he is SURE he told me that was what he was doing when I KNOW he did not."
it got so bad towards the end of my first marriage that i actually started to keep a notepad and I would write everything down infront of him, because truly he had me thinking I was losing my mind.
DH knows this about my previous marriage, but when SD16 got suspended he tried to pull that trump card: "I told you, You knew, you were right there when SD and I were talking about it"
Let me tell ya...I went ape shit...I dont think he will be doing this lies by ommision shit with me anymore.
its worse then outright lying!