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So yes, DH did tell me that SD "wanted to" come home for the summer. Found out later, it's because she "wants" one of our cars that DH told her she could have. Of course DH told me AFTER the fact about how he told her this and told her that and then he says "are you cool with that?" I said, "I really don't think it matters what I think, since you two obviously have it all figured out." Then he back pedals and says "No, I told her I would have to discuss all of this with you first." Lie. Whatever.
So then DH told me that the plan was to get her a job at the convenient store that is about 5 minutes from our house while she is home. Then Friday, he tells me that he "got her a job" at a sporting goods store that is TWENTY FIVE minutes from our house, then he says "I just have to figure out how to get her there" He better NOT be thinking I am going to do it, which I'm quite certain he is, since it's in the general vicinity of where I work. So this is guaranteed to cause a fight. Well he must have decided that this was a done deal and told SD, because she posted on Facebook yesterday about how SHE got a job at this sporting good store for the summer. I also found out through Facebook that apparently she will be here in May and staying until?? through?? August. Fuck me. When DH said "for the summer" I was thinking like a 6 week stint NOT 4 fucking months.
So back to hiding my shit, back to fighting with DH, back to being the insignificant other, while DH treats SD like his wife, back to having my every facial expression and comment critiqued and turned into a "you just hate my skids" comment. I cried in the shower this morning. I know it sounds stupid and 4 months isn't forever, but I feel like I just can't do this. Then there is the whole other can of worms with the car, and how she is going to get it back to her state... I'm sure DH's plan is to send her off for a TEN+ hours drive, with our plates and insurance on it and trust her to take care of transferring things over when she gets back to her state. I am NOT OK with this.. but I'm sure this will be a fight as well.
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I'm sorry... this sucks so
I'm sorry... this sucks so bad.
Can you just tell him NO and list your reasons? (Which are all valid in my opinion) Most importantly this could have an effect on your marriage!
I thought about this, but
I thought about this, but then I feel like an asshole. I mean it is his daughter. He's seen her 2 times (I think) in the past year since she lives in a different state. I just feel like my best course of action is to disengage, and try to deal with it and keep telling myself it's short term.
What makes the most angry/upset is the fact that he has been making all these plans and promises and either tells me after the fact or doesn't tell me at all. It's so disrespectful. I mean BS7 wanted to have a friend over to play for a few hours last weekend and I told him I'd need to run it by DH first, and I did, and I ALWAYS do. But apparently DH just doesn't get it.
It also irks the living crap out of me that she is just using him. He himself told me prior to this whole car crap that he rarely spoke to her last year. Then after she called him up and asked if she could have one of the cars, all of the sudden she's his best friend... again, because she wants something. And every fucking time he falls for it. I can't imagine being that obtuse or desperate for attention from a kid who's proven time and time and time again, she only has use for him when it benefits her in some way.
Remember... you can't change
Remember... you can't change how they run their relationship and what they are okay with. I know that DH kids use him, especially YSD and it bugs the crap out of me. But if he's okay with the relationship, who am I to say something? It's a sad relationship but as long as they are okay with it, there is nothing that we can do about it.
And yes it was very disrespectful that he didn't ask you first. This would be my biggest problem. Sometimes though you have to give them a taste of their own medicine. I find that this works best for getting DH to see the big picture.
"who am I to say
"who am I to say something?"
If anyone was using my SO I would feel obligated to say something. If he chose to stay in the relationship with said person that would be on him but I would feel compelled to point it out as it happened and as it continually happened. Who am I is I am the person that would be expected to take care of him if he was sick, I am the person that supports half of his life style/life, I am his partner, his secret keeper, his meal cooker, his laundry service, his best friend, and that means to me that I am his everything to say something.
ETA- I guess "who am I to say
ETA- I guess "who am I to say something" is my thought now because I know for my personal story and for Daizy's (not to speak about Daizy, but just from what I know) we have said something over and over and over... at this point... what is the point in even saying anything. If they want to keep being in these one sided relationships- who am I to say anything?
Got it, thanks for coming
Got it, thanks for coming back and giving more explanation, makes more sense now.
I could move MIL in... that
I could move MIL in... that would drive him bonkers. He'd last about a day with her. Yet he expects me to endure months with SD. When we've been there, done that and already KNOW how it plays out.
Maybe he will road trip back
Maybe he will road trip back with her.. take care of the plates and fly home?
Why would you need to drive her to work if she is getting a car?
She doesn't have a DL, and
She doesn't have a DL, and has very little driving experience. Their stupid plan is for her to get her DL in our state while she's home, which of course is a crap shoot, as again she has very little driving experience and will have to pass the road test which is NOT easy. If she fails, then what???? Of course nobody thinks about this. It also takes weeks to even schedule and get an appointment for your road test. DH says he is going to be "teaching" her how to drive while she's home. Then supposedly IF she gets her DL in our state, she will transfer it to a DL in state. How dumb. Why would you pay the licensing fees in TWO states???
Oh and joy.... there's another fight.. because I don't want BS7 in the car when she's driving. Ugh.
It would make more sense if
It would make more sense if she would take a driving course in her home state (like sears driving school..or whatever). Get her license THERE. She may be required to retake the test anyway when she gets back. All states are different I think.
Certainly there is more than enough time to arrange for that before she shows up.
My DH just got a DL in a different state where he will be living while running his business and he had to retake the written even though he has a valid DL from another state.
Another reason why that is a good idea? Make it a requirement as she can't come unless she can drive herself to her job. No license? no point in coming to a place where she can't get to the job!
Agree! This is what I have
Agree! This is what I have had to do with DH in the past. When MSD and baby got kicked out of her baby daddy house for physically fighting with the grandma, DH wanted her to stay with us until she found a place. I said HELL TO THE NO. She would never leave. She's a thief, a trouble maker and violent. So we had to fight it out for a couple of weeks but in the end it was MUCH better then having her in my home.
I can't even begin to count
I can't even begin to count how many times she has come and left and DH has said WTF? She'll never change, there is always some drama etc. But then a little time goes by and he either forgets or has some hope that she has changed and we do it again!
the first time she moved in with us, they got in a fight over a stupid 3 ring binder... she wanted him to drive her to Walmart and get one, he said no. She threw a fit and called GBM and then lied and GBM picked her up at the school when SD was at practice. DH told her to come back now or never. She chose to stay at GBMs so DH packed all her shit up and dumped it off at GBMs. She was gone 8 months.
The second time she moved in she lasted a little over a year, but by the time the year was over, DH had had it. Told her it wasn't working out, thankfully Aunt J intervened and offered to take her. Within 3 months of being at Aunt J's, she was over her. She lasted a little over a year there.
She came home last summer for 6 weeks, thankfully she had a camp job out of town, so she was only at our house about 8 days total. That trip ended in a huge drama when she quit her job because her BF broke up with her, Aunt J refused to fly her back to her state, BM got involved, and SD and BM had all kind of random people calling Aunt J and DH trying to talk them into flying SD back.. the BF's parents ended up driving up and getting her lmao.. it was one of the biggest shit shows I have ever seen.
Then there was the Go Fund Me that SD created back in November for GBM funeral expenses... while GBM was still alive.... DH was disgusted and said he didn't care if he ever spoke to her again.
....now here we are. He has apparently forgotten all of this crap or just chooses to ignore it and he's talking like she is the perfect precious princess again.
Well I'm with you Echo and this is my plan. To do nothing, to pretend she is not there. DH will be sick of her within a month. and history will repeat itself yet again. So annoying.
Did you point all these past
Did you point all these past experiences out to him?
Einstine said insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results.
Since your DH is like my DSO,
Since your DH is like my DSO, does what he wants anyway, can you get your name off the title and then have DH get his own insurance on it? Maybe you could even go to the General web site and sign him up for the cheapest possible insurance there is.
You know she isn't going to do anything when she goes to other state, and its possible that your DH told her she doesn't have to but don't tell Daizy about it.
DSO's kids are 16 and 17. When he bought his truck last summer, I made him get it in his name only and then insurance so SD, who does live with us full time, can be added to his and not mine. I also took his name off of our car so that it is protected in case.
This is what I was
This is what I was thinking.
Separate your insurance and get your name off the car if possible.
Are you able to separate finances at all? He needs to be responsible, not you.
And I think so far OP is doing a good job. She may say No all she wants yet SD may still move in.
If so heavy disengagement should happen.
And locking stuff up that has disappeared in the past, or simply stop buying it for the summer.
It's crazy these parents 'find a job' for their kids. What happened to kids finding a job themselves? Who would hire them based on a parent wanting them to work there?
Odds are she won't have a DL when she arrives, and don't worry about your son being in the car when she's driving b/c in most states that's illegal (student/beginning drivers cannot have minors in the car with them I think). And OP won't be doing anything to help.
Will she even keep the job if it has a schedule, rules, requirements, etc? If not, what happens?
It's crazy these parents
It's crazy these parents 'find a job' for their kids. What happened to kids finding a job themselves
Ya know I was wondering if that was just me?? DH knows the owner of this sporting good store, so it's basically the lazy way out for everyone. He also mentioned the other day that he was going to go to a hardware store where he knows the owner and ask if SS18 could have a job, but then he decided SS18 would be bored so he's going to ask his uncle who owns an auto body repair shop if SS could work there. WTF? SS is 18!! Why can't HE find HIMSELF a job?? And DH is treading on thin ice with THAT one. SS is a dope head, weirdo loser. He got a job at Popeye's about 6 months ago and lasted one day at training. I wouldn't be going around asking people to hire my kid, when I'm 98% certain the kid will either not bother and make me look like a fool, or actually show up and make me look like a fool. :? :?
Around here most jobs you get
Around here most jobs you get because of who you know, not what you know.
Obviously most pt retail or fast food jobs are not the same but my boys both got their first jobs from friends.
I've never had a job that I actually applied for, I was recommended to the employer by friends or they hired me from a temp position.
It's different when your kid is going to screw up the job and make the parent look stupid.
My dad did help me find my
My dad did help me find my FIRST EVER job - when I was 16.
But I had to fill out the application and go for the interview by myself.
And that was the only job help I ever got from my parents.
I can't imagine some skids out there on their own.
It's why I'm constantly on DH to "Knock it off and let them do it on their own!"
I got my first job at 16, all
I got my first job at 16, all on my own. My mother didn't know anybody or talk to anybody. I simply went to the mall and filled out applications at all the stores I was interested in working at, I had an interview and got hired. Worked there for 4 years. Then on to bigger and better and come to think of it... EVERY job I've gotten has been all by my widdle self.
I don't really care at all
I don't really care at all about us giving her a car. I really don't. What I DO care about is making sure that WE are not putting ourselves at risk for liability by him making stupid decisions because he's willy nilly doing shit while conspiring with her, instead of including me.
and p.s. she doesn't have a DL so she won't be able to drive to work herself. (see above)
LOL, your assumptions! My SO
LOL, your assumptions! My SO is giving his daughter dearest Winona SD17 a car for graduation - and she has no Drivers License. In his mind, it will "incentivize" her and if she doesn't get the DL, within a period of time, he will sell the car (cute little 91 convertible BMW) and cash out.
I think what I really need to
I think what I really need to do is sit him down and have him go over the details of this whole thing.. no matter how minute. Just explain to him that he is causing me anxiety by not keeping me in the loop and he's also being disrespectful. I usually just stay away from conversations like this when it comes to skids, because he gets so confrontational and argumentative but it's not fair to me. That way I don't have to speculate about the how's and what if's and we are all on the same page going into this.
We never fight about anything... except for skids. And when it comes to skids we fight about EVERYTHING! Ugh
Isn't part of the reason she
Isn't part of the reason she was sent to Aunt J's was because of the toll this was taking on you and your marriage? What does he think has changed? Does he think that just because it's 4 months, it will be okay?
And the total disrespect of not even discussing it with you. I would be pissed.
Daisy, Do you think it would
Daisy,
Do you think it would be possible for him to arrange for her to take driving school at her homestate before she comes for the summer?
It makes more sense for her to arrive with the ability to drive herself to a job right?
Plus, it will eliminate the issue of having to get 2 driver's licenses.
Yeah, I know it costs money.. but if there were a chance that she is not successful, I would make that a condition of her coming. NO DL, NO SUMMER JOB, NO VISIT.
Those driving schools will come to your home and pick you up, so transport is no issue.
i know that is how I learned to drive since I was living overseas in my teens and came back at 19 with no driver's license.
She has been feeding him some
She has been feeding him some line of crap about how she can't get her license in her state because she would have to take some class and pay $500.00 or some such nonsense. Of course when DH told me this, I went straight to the DMV website in her state and screenshotted the information that I found that says no such thing.
Apparently DH forwarded her what I sent him and she was still arguing. She says it's what her boyfriend had to do. Yeah.. not comparing apples to apples. He was 16 when he got his license!!! The website said all drivers 18 and over just show proof of permit from other state, take a written test, take an eye test, show proof of residence and pay $34.00.
But you know, rather than DH actually calling her state DMV and putting all this crap to rest, he lets her manipulate him and pull his strings. Even though she's done this to him approximately 12,000 times already. He never learns. And I shouldn't have to be the one running around trying to prevent or clean up after their messes.
Sending you cases of virtual
Sending you cases of virtual wine. I would be angry, hurt and resentful.
It's unreasonable to say his
It's unreasonable to say his minor daughter can't come for a visit
Her SD is not a minor.
she's 19
she's 19
I have heard of more than one
I have heard of more than one person I work with talk about their children's reluctance to get a driver's license.
I myself did not get one until I was 19. I lived in Germany in HS and then went to a school where I couldn't have a job anyway. Got my license after my first year of college.
My dad has a license but has never really driven and he doesn't have a vehicle. My mom drove when she was alive.
If you live in certain urban areas, cars are less of a requirement. Some kids are just not that interested in the responsibility either.
I would put it to SD to get
I would put it to SD to get her license before she arrives. I would tell DH to pay for the driving classes if that was what it took. (shoot, I would chip in if it meant I wasn't going to be on the spot as a chaufer lol). If the girl won't get the license.. she won't be able to do the job.. hence no need to come home right?
She got her permit in our
She got her permit in our state when she turned 16, but didn't do much driving. about 6 months after that, she moved with Aunt J to different state and never pursued getting her license because she said the traffic was too bad and she was too nervous to drive. Then when she was home last summer, she took the safe driving course and wanted to take her road test, but because she and every one involved with her are fly by the seat of their pants... they couldn't get a road test appointment during the time she was here. So back to Aunt J state she went, and here she is at 19 still with just a permit.
Thank you. I did already
Thank you. I did already think about flying the coup during those months, but then I think why should I have to leave my home???? Why should I get chased out like a dog with my tail between my legs. Why should I have to hole up with my mother or pay for an apartment while SD gets to live in MY home??? I do have a friend who lives in the city where I work who would let us stay with her in a heartbeat, but I have no clue how I would get BS to school and pick him up and he'll be in school until the end of June... and leaving him with DH and SD is NOT an option!
I think I just need to bury my pride, bury my annoyance and deal with it. It is what it is. And remember that it's only temporary? For all I know DH and SD could have it out mid June and she could take off back to university state?
"Discuss how HE is going to
"Discuss how HE is going to lay it all out for her."
Or, you lay it all out for her.
Look, he already thinks you hate his kids, she thinks you hate her. You are going to be the biatch no matter who lays out the rules.
So be the biatch they already think you are.
Lay out the all the rules, tell her with DH there, that if she doesn't get her licence, you are NOT driving her, if DH wants to fine. BS is NOT allowed in the car with her, if she takes the car back with her she has to get her own plate and insurance or she can't take it.
The consequences are that if she breaks the rules she leaves.
Stop walking on eggshells in your own home. Stand up and take back your power.
So he just called and while I
So he just called and while I had him on the phone I asked him a couple of questions:
Daizy: When is SD coming home?
DH: like the beginning of May.
Daizy: Huh? how long is she staying??
DH: Just like 2 months? June and July?
Daizy: so THREE months.. May, June and July?
DH: Oh yes.
Grrrrrr... totally trying to downplay the length because he KNOWS this is the NOT the impression I was given!
DH: Well I don't really know if it's all a done deal or not... like I don't know if she'll do the job at sporting good store or not.
Daizy: Well she thinks it's a done deal because she posted it all over facebook yesterday.
DH: Oh well, whatever
Daizy: So is she going to get her DL in her state?
DH: Well I gave her all the info, and told her it's dumb to wait and do it here, but I don't know.
Daizy: So I thought she was getting a job down the road, now it's 25 minutes away? How is she going to get there?
DH: Well it will only be 20-25 hours a week and I figured you could drop her off on your way to work, but whatever, if I have to take her and pick her up I will do it.
GRRRRRRRRRRR.... just as I suspected he thinks I'm going to do it and if I can't or won't his plan is to schlep her and spend close to TWO hours driving to get her to and from a PT job. Yeah, that makes SOOOOO much fucking sense.
DH: Well I told her, she should just stay in her state and keep working at the job she already has there, but she has no place to stay. (she was living on campus this year and she and her BF can't move into their apartment off campus until August)
Daizy: Well can't she stay with her BF family?
DH: No I guess they live like an hour from campus and where she works
So that explains it. She's only coming home because she has no place else to go (she wore out her welcome with Aunt J) and of course because she wants the car.
And so just as I suspected this whole operation is totally fly by the seat of their pants...... and is 1000% guaranteed to be a cluster fuck of epic proportions. UGH
Considering that he knows
Considering that he knows your feelings about SD and her past antics, the fact that he would assume that you would transport her anywhere, without even talking to you about it, is just bullshit.
I agree 10,000%. And it's
I agree 10,000%. And it's NOT "on my way". I mean I do drive through the town that the store is in on my way to work, but the store is at LEAST 10 minutes OUT of my way on the other side of town. And so when she gets out of work at 1 or 2 and I don't get out until 4? what is she going to do? DH said that maybe MIL or BM could pick her up. HAHAHAHAHAHA that's hilarious! BM doesn't have a fucking car.. she has to borrow her brothers. I guess MIL could do it... but nice of him to volunteer her as well without her consent.
I guess he and SD are expecting everyone to bend over backwards and drop everything we are doing to cater to the princess while she is home??
Wow, Daizy - sorry you have
Wow, Daizy - sorry you have to go through this anxiety and disrespect. My SO, he likes to keep things from me as well, I find out later, or when it is mentioned in passing - such as "hey we decided to change the schedule from 3 days to 5 days dontcha know". And "oh, yea, SD17 was caught stealing yesterday, at JC Pennys". Makes me feel like nothing and feel like I am on the outside, and disrespected.
Hopefully things will gel better as the time gets closer and you can have some sort of "escape plan", whether it is emotional escape or physical escape, in place, when the rubber meets the road.
BM is a loser. She lives in
BM is a loser. She lives in an apartment with her 4 other illegitimate kids (from 2 other baby daddies) along with her brother and one of her baby daddies. Could be another brother living there too at any given time, ya never know with this clan. If SD stays with her she would have to sleep on the floor and BM doesn't have a car, she has to borrow her brother's car when he is not at work so she would be unreliable to get SD back and forth to work. So as usual WE get stuck doing everything for the kid she HADDDDD to have but never took care of.
Grandma BM and Grandpa BM died last year, I don't think there is any other BM family locally. MIL has offered for her to stay with her, but I think DH feels obligated to have her with us, or it makes him "look bad" (eye roll)
I would tell him that you are
I would tell him that you are not going to drive her ONE EFFING MILE during her visit. And not budge an inch.
She needs to find a closer
She needs to find a closer job. I'd flat out refuse to drive her to the job. Your DH can waste his own time doing it. You are stressed out enough about her staying the summer ...being trapped in the car with her is going to push you over the edge.
I kicked my exDH to the curb for not putting me first and discussing things with me that involve my home and my life.
Yes, but here is where I get
Yes, but here is where I get fucked no matter what. Either I take her or I don't. BUT our finances are combined... so when he's burning through gas to drive 2 hours a day for her, it's coming out of my pocket too. He'll claim that he doesn't have a problem doing it because she's so precious, but a few days in, he'll be a raging prick and guess who he'll take it out on????
Three words: chore sticker
Three words: chore sticker chart. Hey if she's going to live in your house she can do the vacuuming a few days a week lol
DAIZY.... strip that spare
DAIZY....
strip that spare bedroom SD will be using, I don't know you are decorating.... DH did not inform you about it all...
Then regarding the car thing...... DH told you not confirmed... start selling the extra cars }:) book a service the day she has to leave and tell the mechanic take a week...
Give her written notice to change vehicle papers within 21 days or the vehicle will be scrapped.... then do the normal things to take a vehicle off your name within 21 days...
That spare bedroom closet it
That spare bedroom closet it full of my summer clothes, and once summer hits it will be full of my winter clothes. I am not moving them. That spare bedroom is also where I keep all of BS7 karate and jujitsu stuff, his backpacks, baseball bats, gloves, extra comforters crafting supplies, etc. I will not be moving any of it. If DH wants to take it upon himself to do so, then so be it. Could care less, but I'm not going out of my way to do it. The other spare bedroom has no bed.. we got rid of it and I doubt DH will go out and buy a new one and I'm certainly not. Although he may come up with some hair brained idea to move BS7 bed down to that room, since BS has a tent in his room with an air mattress and he's been sleeping in that for months now. I'll fight that and so will BS7 probably.
no effing way will my child's
no effing way will my child's bed be moved out of his room..... just NO...
DH will probably just move all the stuff to the bedless room...... thus I think you have to fill that room up with boxes etc..... start painting it.... anything... so it can't be used.
I have one problem with my cloths in a room where SD might be sleeping in, what if she starts wearing them?