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Everyone Deserves Respect: Great SO moment.

CLove's picture

Well, after thinking it through and getting myself worked up internally again, I decided to take the bull by horns last night hehe. }:)

I got home later than usual, and told SO that I would clear out branches of the tree that caused his skin to break out into boils for him, and get green waste can filled (hes paying for an empty bucket, I thought he said he wanted it filled every week before garbage day...). This incentivized him to have Skids help. Whoa Nelly! Munchkin SD10 HAPPILY pulled weeds, while Winona SD17 picked up dog doo. I told her "after you pick up dog poo, wash these dishes". OH The insult "she ORDERED me to wash the dishes!!!" She told her dadee. He just said, "I was going to ask you to wash them anyway, just do them."

This girl always piggy backs on other folks dishes, so she will put her dirties in the sink with other dirties, and never have to wash her own, because its not obvious who's is who. I keep track of what is hers so I have noticed. I'm weird like that. Point is, I am not Tip Toeing through Tulips anymore. SO come up and tells me "next time, say 'would you'" So I did, after 1 1/2 hours of piggy eating in living room (which I hate but its not a hill to die on), with mess, I said "WOULD YOU clean your food mess". She does what she always does and brings dishes to sink, no washing. I am weird - I notice.

When it comes time for munchkin SD10 to use laundry bucket, for changing laundry from washer to dryer (her new chore), which she does happily, she must approach the hyenas den and ask for it. Winona SD17 is trying to record herself playing uke and singing, and holy moly is interrupted! Exclaims "you always ruin everything!!!!".

Awesome SO moment: Munchkin SD10 tells us about this interaction, and dad goes to Winona, asks her to open door, he calmly tells her he knows she spoke badly to her sister, and that her sister needs to be shown respect in our home. Of course, Winona being Winona, she lied "I didn't say anything bad!!! I swear!"
Whatever. We know she's lying, because her lips are moving.

I told SO :"You know what? That was really great! You know why? Because EVERYONE deserves to be shown respect in our home, everyone. And its very important that everyone know that is expected."

I was told this once by a friends mother :"Horses, husbands, dogs and children - they all need training and structure and encouragement - and much in the same ways."

Comments

CLove's picture

(((Hugs)) Echo, that's TERRIBLE. I'm sorry you went through that.

Yes, you are correct - you cant force someone to respect you - I understand that people can feel how they want to - that's their choice, and none of my business, actually.

My point with him and the children is that everyone needs to be TREATED with respectful actions. We need to REQUIRE everyone big and small in our home to act respectfully and not think "its ok, shes just my sister, I can say what I want, and how I want". "its ok, that's just my dad, I can yell at him how I want." "its ok, I can be a jerk when I want, if Im in a bad mood or whatever."

The way I grew up, showing respect to each other was not considered important. We yelled and insulted each other all the time. Its only now, since Ive grown into adulthood, my parents are older now, that we are starting to learn the importance of acting in a respectful manner.

One strange example - when I came home the other night, SD17 walked away from me, and did not respond/acknowledge me when I said a friendly "hello" straight to her. She gotten into an argument about being tardy at school, with her father, and was angry, etc. But I expect, in my home, that everyone will be acknowledged, and not ignored. A small thing, but a big thing, yes?

Ninji's picture

About a year ago, SS and I were not getting along. DH had picked SS and SD up for the weekend. Everyone walks in and says hi. Everyone except SS. He just gives me a dirty look and goes into his bedroom.

Not 30 seconds later he comes back out and asks me if he can have something (can't remember what). I told him he doesn't get to walk into my house, ignore me and then ask for something. DH actually got mad at me about it. Don't care. I don't kiss anyone ass. Especially people that are rude to me.

CLove's picture

Yes, Ninji that element of acknowledgement as a sign of human respect for each other as members of a household (even if part time), is what I argued about last night.

Getting ready for sleep, SO bought up the comment from Winona SD17, about how I just "orderd" her to wash dishes, and then he made fun of how it seemed like I was being harsh and ordering everyone around, to get the weeds cleared and the branches cut for pickup. It really pushed my buttons and I went totally off. I told him, "hey, your snotty bratt didn't even acknowledge me in my own home yesterday, how the eff is that ok with you? And yet you want ME to bow and scrape, and ask widdle pweshus to pweeese wash the dishy wishes? Shes complaining that I am too harsh, yet she treats me with such a lack of respect?????? How the H is that okay?"

Then suddenly it became all about me "downing his daughter". However, I did ease up a bit, having made my point, and we discussed the fact that I will definitely be asking them to do things around the house to help out (rather than me asking him to ask them) and asked him what is the acceptable way to do so, and what repercussions if I receive arguments...

Bit by bit and peace by peace.

Putain des Palaces's picture

I'm so sorry you went through that.

(I could have written the exact same thing - I feel you).

:/

CLove's picture

I thankfully don't live with any of these folks - I think evil folks do not deserve any respect.

CLove's picture

And that is where I am at this particular moment. It has been a progression over time. When I first came on board, three years ago, it was parttime and it was the home the skids had shared with their mother, who cheated and was subsequently thrown out. Being the new kid on the block, I did not have much understanding about the whole "divorce dynamic", and how it affects the kiddos, just trying to get my life in order and on track. Now that I have some time under my belt, more time in the relationship, and time/history with kiddos, my perspective has shifted, my confidence higher, and no longer afraid that they "wont like me"... I have a great relationship with SO, a great friendship with Munchkin SD10, and am really soured out on Winona SD17.

The lessons are many, this is not for the weak-kneed and willy-nilly. If we are strong enough in ourselves and self-respecting, then the truth will prevail. Either they are along for the ride, or they catch another shuttlebus.

CLove's picture

Yes - the guilty parent who cannot kick the kiddos out, "they will always be welcome in my home, no matter what they do or how they treat me" dad. It sounds like you have a good life together. It is a difficult situation and I am faced with this "backed into a corner" same thing.

I understand and realize they will always be his family. I am hoping that he will understand that it is different for me because they are NOT.

whoaminow's picture

We had this respect discussion last night. I told SD18 that she may not respect me as a person but she WOULD show me respect in my home, not just me but my position in the home. I don't give a shit if she likes me or not but I have a position in her life and that position deserves to be respected.

As for the poster, I will NOT ASK for anything to be done like that in my house. She is a child that is living under your roof, unless she is paying rent she has responsibilities that need to be done without having to ASK.

Ninji's picture

Exactly. Are Skids kindly asking for mortgage to be paid, food to be bought, or for the adults to bust their butts at work to provide. NO!!! Just do the damn dishes kid.

CLove's picture

Ninji - this is part of the "entitlement contract" that parents sign when the children are born. they are entitled to everything and are not required to do anything. You did not get that memo?

CLove's picture

Right - Who - that was my attitude as well, but her father disagreed.

His opinion, is that the adult ASKS the child to do something, and when there are arguments, then explain that everyone helps in this house. His logic is that Winona will struggle and fight and scream and yell, and this will help avoid conflict. He does not want any more conflict, and we are all tired of Winona SD17 being a high-conflict B who doesn't NOTHING to help, unless ASKED to.

ERGO - its his kid, his problem. All I care about is that the thing is done. Ive had other conflicts with her before - for example, when I said one time a while ago "hey you are helping me cook dinner tonight", her response was "since when?" Mine - SINCE NOW. And we did and all went well. She learned how to cut raw garlic from the husk that day.

What tends to happen, historically, is that I will "order her around", she will snark off something rude, I will get angry and tell her that was rude and disrespectful, she will argue, I will run and get her father (to be witness because she lies when her lips move, as back up). THEN the two of us will get into it, him in the middle, whereby the snot will say something like "why are you taking her side against your own daughter, I cant believe you would do this to your own daughter, etc..."
Then because we have a history of her treating everyone like dirt and me standing up for myself, she will lie about it her BM, and there will be texts a'flyin.

THIS time, I am working on disengagement, have read and seen the stories on this board, have armed and readied myself for battle. THIS time, things will be different.

Acratopotes's picture

:jawdrop: DH suggest you ask her WOULD YOU...... oh hell no....

I tell a kid to clean, I'm not going to ask if they would... cause that gives them an option if they want to or not.
In my house there's no options sorry....

step.life's picture

THIS! All the parenting articles I've read regarding this subject state that you should phrase instructions as commands NOT questions to children. Otherwise they WILL think they have the option to say "no". And when they do say no you WILL be angry and then have to tell them a second time to do it anyway. DH has gotten better at this over the years with SD9. Ex instead of "Can you put your shoes away after dinner?" It should be "You need to put your shoes away after dinner." It's a simple adjustment that has made instructions more clear.

Acratopotes's picture

your DH is soft.... my brats hear

WTF is your shoes not in your room..... then they hear them flying into the trash lol

Acratopotes's picture

live in my own house as well - hahahahahahaha

but believe me recently I started saying the same to the brat .... I'm sorry but she's 17 not 7 and if you are old enough to go drinking till 6am in the morning, sleep around and make a mess.... then you are old enough to get your sensitive feelings out of my face and clean

CLove's picture

yeah, Id like to do that too, unfortunately, Winona SD17 plays the victim card, "I take antidepressants because of YOU", "its all YOUR fault I am child of divorce!!!" (true-they were separated then me and a team of friends banded together and pushed the divorce forward...)

Its her birthday in a few weeks. Shes being very nice(=more presents!) for now, but princess has a temper, and I am not tiptoeing around Miss Temper Tantrum anymore. When she does her "gorilla grunt", Im calling her out on it.

Fortunately, Winona doesn't drink (but gives hell to anyone who does), and is still virgin, apparently (no friends). I would be sort of relieved if she did - gets her out of the house!

Tuff Noogies's picture

LOL my father used to say "i HIGHLY SUGGEST that you do xyz."

his meaning was not lost on us kids...

dh has explained to the boys before "i am asking you as a means to show kindness and consideration. but it's really NOT a request."