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DH told me he was relieved we lost the baby

briarmommy's picture

Submitted by briarmommy on Sat, 07/09/2011 - 7:33pm

It was my fault, I was getting the feeling he felt that way and I asked him. I just wasn't prepared for him to admit it. I want another child maybe not right now but someday, he doesn't so the pregnancy I just lost was an accident. I mean I knew he didn't want another child but it hurts me that since we were he was relieved we lost it. I wouldn;t have been thrilled with the timing but I would have accepted that I was pregnant and then embraced the joy. I know its not SS's fault but part of me feels that way, DH doesn't want more kids because he already has two and he even admits if SS wasn't such of a handful he might be willing to have another one so a petty hurt part of me blames this pain on SS as much as on DH. I'm going through all of this alone right now DH just keeps saying its fine, it wasn't really a baby, baby yet anyway and that I should just get over it. How am I supposed to just get over it? I don't even want to look at DH and SS right now, I just want monday to come quick when SS goes to his moms for the week and DH goes to work every day and it just my daughter, my dog, and me. Its probably a good thing that we start counciling next wed. or I would be tempted to go stay with my grandpa right now, I don't even want to be in the house with them.

Comments

ConfusedStep's picture

Submitted by ConfusedStep on Sat, 07/09/2011 - 9:28pm

I'm so sorry sweetie I know how painful it is to have a miscarriage and have the most important people in your life be insensitive about it. I miscarried twins in '09 and it was the most difficult thing I have ever gone through.
DH wasn't as sensitive as I'd like (he said after the fact that he was worried about money). It was my grandmother who said the most hurtful thing though. She said it was for the best because she wouldn't want DH (FDH at the time) to abandon his daughter for our child (I don't see why it would be one or the other). It hurt even more because the child she was more worried about was conceived during our relationship - just not with me.
Take as long as you need to grieve. Cry, indulge and do whatever it takes to heal. I still think about my other babies - and yes, I do consider them my babies - but my son helps me to feel a bit better.
I hope you'll feel better soon. ((BIG HUG))

SoTired1's picture

Submitted by SoTired1 on Sun, 07/10/2011 - 6:43am

My condolences to you for your lost. Sad This is so sad . . . you must understand that a man is incapable of feeling (attached) to his baby when in utero. Additionally, they don't view them as (real) while they're in utero . . . makes my initial thought of them as [jerks], but the reality is that's just one of the many aspects of [man] that we as women will never understand. Perhaps, it has a lot to do with them being [visual] beings; they cannot see [a baby while in utero] therefore, the baby is not real. When I was pregnant with our 1st born, DH & I were discussing finances & he actually told me that he was not focused on our son that was in my womb (because he's not here yet) . . . needless to say, that comment really hurt my feelings & I told him, "Oh trust me this baby is coming so you better consider him as a focal point of our finances!" He's your DH & I think you should talk to him (1-on-1) about how his words really hurt you deeply & that he came across as [insensitive & unsupportive] of your feelings. Your baby (fetus) was apart of you & you were carrying the fetus in your womb; an immediate attachment. You must share with him how overjoyed you were about you & him having another baby (despite whatever $$ circumstances you two were faced with). You must let him know that he cannot make such insensitive, hurtful comments to you during such a mournful situation, shame on him for not considering how hurtful & inconsiderate his comments would be. Please know that with time your wounds will heal & I'm hoping that you'll be blessed with another pregnancy if this is what your heart desires. Pray to God that He shows you what's best for you & your family.
Many well wishes to you for a speedy recovery & a peaceful heart.

briarmommy's picture

Submitted by briarmommy on Sun, 07/10/2011 - 7:44am

Thank you all for your comments and support. After I posted this and the kids went to bed I turned of the t.v and all distractions and sat down with DH so we could talk. I had him tell me all the reasons he didn't want another child so I could try to understand and then I told him why his words hurt me. I explained that while I may not have been that far along it still hurt me and even if he didn't get it he needed to be kind and not just tell me to get over it because that makes it worse. I'm optimistic about the counciling and I think last night was a good start in the right direction.

Whateva's picture

Submitted by Whateva on Mon, 07/11/2011 - 5:01pm

Sorry you lost the baby, but I think your husband’s reaction is normal and probably the common feeling amongst most men...yes even those of you that think you got loving hubbies at home that adore the baby you have together more than the babies that are now commonly referred to as the dreaded skids! Wink I think as women you tend to think having a baby will cure whatever ills you and it does nothing but create more drama especially in these blended families. I always chuckle to myself when women get involved with a man that already have kids and we all know the issues of dealing with the ex and the unruly, weird skids but the woman's first agenda is to have another baby to "mark her territory" then she scratches her head when issues that already exist are combined with NEW issues that possibly could have been avoided. ...I don't get it. Having a kid with a divorced man does not give any more guarantees than not, let’s face it most of us would not be on here complaining about the BM or skids if that trick worked.

Humbly yours

whateva