To say or not to say...? No, seriously, what do I do?
So both DH and I have the same dilemma where we both have a kid with psychos...my question is:
when is it ok to start telling the truth about their other bio-parents?
I realize my bs is 4 and probably wouldn't understand very well now and he probably wouldn't believe me because he loves him so freakin much (he actually does see him for visitation) and sd is 6 and is starting to ask questions that I fear will lead up to the ultimate questions (why can't mommy live with us? Why aren't daddy and mommy together? Why haven't I seen my mommy?) but...I'm wondering...obviously there's no way we'd tell them now and in the mean time we just say little white lies, wouldn't want to traumatize the freakin kids the way we've been traumatized right? Lol I wish I was kidding...should we ever tell them about their other bio-parents? Or do we let our kids keep them both on fake pedestals? Just wondering since psycho BM very recently said she was no longer going to visitation and was going to vacate her rights as sd's BM...she's said that a few times before so I don't know if she's for real this time/if it's even possible without someone terminating her rights...
I'm just kinda lost as to what to do because DH and I are pretty much acting as both mom and dad to both kids...idunno...I kinda wish she would give up her rights because shes a bipolar psycho who doesnt give a rats ass about anyone but herself but, at the same time, I know sd misses her and she needs her...doesn't she? I mean just because she doesn't ask to see her or ask about her, ever, doesn't mean she doesn't miss her...does it? Enlighten me...I know I'm thinking ahead but...sorry, that's what I do...
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What is wrong with your EX?
What is wrong with your EX?
I think at SD age, I would just tell her, you have no clue what is up with her mom. As she gets older you can tell her things that she can handle.
When we were together, he
When we were together, he flipped out on me a LOT right in front of our son and sometimes, if not all the time, he'd use my son against me to get whatever he wanted...an example? When I had a really shitty phone, I had to keep it charging all the time or else it would turn off, so I guess bd wanted to contact me only to give me bullshit about how I was a slut and a whore and call me all things under the sun (because I didn't go back with him like I used to and was with someone new, who is now my husband). He got pissed off because I couldn't answer back. When I was able to see his messages he had texted what the fuck is wrong with me that 'our son took a pretty bad fall and he was taking him to the ER and what kind of a mom was I...?' I freaked out thinking he was telling the truth because who in gods name would do that? So when I called him from my parents phone he was calm while I was asking frantically what had happened and where he was taking him. He didn't answer any of my questions and even laughed. That's when I knew he was lying. That was the reason I got an order of protection against him. He's gotten a lot better because he even violated the OP and when I took him to court I think it scared him a bit because he didnt bother me at all after that. He's been pretty good about not being a complete asshole to me during visitation pickup or drop off...
Sigh...fuck...that really hit
Sigh...fuck...that really hit home...you're absolutely right...absolutely right...DH and I are all sd and bs have...from a real point of view...I know that we're both raising them and I know we will both be there for them no matter what...you're right, man, that's gonna be a sad fucking day when they each realize the truth about their other bp...
Really? She asked? Exactly
Really? She asked? Exactly those questions? What did you say? If I may ask...
How old were you when you
How old were you when you found out?
Wow... Sounds like it was
Wow... Sounds like it was awful for your mom...
I do have to confess that I tried to get custody of SD's half sister as well...she was and is still probably not well...I still feel so bad that I couldn't do anything...to get her away from the lifestyle that her mother was living and dragging her along with...glad you came out ok! I can only hope my kids will be ok...I'm trying my best with them both...
I am with Echo on this, YOU
I am with Echo on this, YOU personally do not ever want to be the one that destroys that world. Your child(ren) will figure out enough of the truth on their own. I have watched my 2 oldest bios (DD22 & DS20) go through this and my 2 youngest bios (DS 14 & DS 13) are in the process of figuring it out. My DS14 recently had a major meltdown over his dad, I could do nothing for him except cry with him. My 2 oldest have cut their dad completely out of their lives and having to watch them go through all of the pain and emotional turmoil...I would NEVER choose to be the one to inflict that upon my kids. And you telling your kids the truth is you causing that pain.
Besides, who is to say the would even believe you? They might love you and worship you but they also love and worship their other parent and you telling them your truth is going to be you "bashing" dad/mom. It is very possible they could become very defensive of their other parent and blame you for what is wrong.
I never had to tell my BS28
I never had to tell my BS28 and BS25 what a POS deadbeat their dad was. I never even said his name. They found out all on their own. They refer to him (on the rare occasion that they refer to him at all) as The Donor.
I'm with Echo. Say nothing.
Surely they asked about him
Surely they asked about him though, right? What would you say to answer their questions?
I never bad-mouthed my son's
I never bad-mouthed my son's dad either. But it is pretty easy for my son to see the difference when his "father" has never contacted him in person and my son was 6 months old last time he saw him.
It's a little different when the CP is PASing the s/kids, I think. We tried to take the high road and that got us no relationship at all (or barely one).
Our skids never asked any
Our skids never asked any questions. We never said anything bad about BM. There was nothing to counter because they didn't say anything she told them. She kept her PAS up their entire lives.
Now they are no longer in our lives. They must believe their mother even though she has started to do some things to them that she did to us as well.
Never. I have never told my
Never.
I have never told my BS29 what a shit his father is. NEVER! I do not even speak about him to my son. After 14 yrs of being divorced I really don't think about him. I was lucky as exH was not around after our divorce, he was free to go forth and channel his inner whore (not much different from when we were married), he had no one expecting home nightly.
With my skids, I bite my tongue a lot. DH and I take the high road and do not speak of her with the skids.
I'm with others in that you
I'm with others in that you never express your *opinion*, never pass judgement in front of the kids.
But I do agree with Máirín that you can pass along *facts*, in answer to questions. "This happened." "That happened." If, for example, your son asks why you and his Dad got divorced one day, you can (depending on his age) tell him, "Dad used to yell at me a lot, and I couldn't live like that" or something specific like that. It's not a *judgement*, not an opinion - you're not telling him you divorced him because you think he's an abusing asshole. It's a simple statement of fact. Facts, in small doses and with limited emotion behind them, I think can be very helpful.
I agree with telling children
I agree with telling children facts, especially if PASing is going on. For example, if BM says DH can't have the kids for something, I think it's fine that you tell the kids BM said no. Don't say anything bad, just say that the answer was no. BM does so much PASing that DH hardly has any relationship with his kids. BM had an affair and left DH for her new husband. DH has taken the high road and said nothing but it is very hard when the kids think you are the reason for the divorce due to the lies BM is telling. I've advised him that the kids will figure it out but I worry by the time they do, DH won't be in their lives. It is a hard road.
Thanks everyone...really made
Thanks everyone...really made a difference...I know words don't mean much but that's all I've got on here...thanks a lot...definitely won't be saying anything to either of them about their other parent...it's definitely going to be hard but it's going to be harder when they find out all on their own and when/if they do, my DH and I will be there for them...always...thanks a lot everyone, you definitely changed my way of thinking and cleared up a lot of insecurity and doubt.