Wake the Eff Up FDH!!!
Man am I in a bad mood. I have been sick (cold with fever turned into stomach thing with fever) since last Saturday. I am overwhelmed with all this mental health stuff.... And FDH has his head suddenly firmly planted in the sand again.
For those who don't know, I checked myself into an in-patient facility a few weeks ago. I went in to get myself to stop drinking, which had gotten out of control recently, and to get help with depression. I haven't had a drink since then and I am working hard to fight this depression which was diagnosed as severe.
Last weekend, only the second weekend I was out of the hospital, FDH and kids went to visit OSD for her birthday in another state where she now lives with her grandparents. He was begging me to go with him, mostly because I think he didn't trust me not to go on a booze-a-thon in his absence (which I didn't). I didn't go because 1- I didn't want to spend a weekend stressed out with the SDs, locked in a car and one hotel room for hours on end and 2- I didn't want to be placed in an uncomfortable situation with BM's parents, who OSD lives with now. I was sure it wouldn't be a warm welcome as BM is blaming me for everything (reasonable boundaries that she doesn't see as reasonable). 3- A pet sitter costs me $50 a day.
So they went off on their own and I spent my weekend sick and alone. I wasn't thrilled but understood it was important for him to do for his kid and was very supportive. Of course, he gets home Sunday night and we settle in to watch our favorite show. 20 minutes in, SS calls from college at 930 at night, and he stops what we're doing to talk to the kid about fraternities. Needless to say, I was pissed at that point but let it go.
This weekend he will be out of town for work starting Thursday and comes home very late Sun night. So, I have another lonely weekend in my future. (I am avoiding my friends and their parties until I can feel a little safer being around alcohol plus everyone has major plans this weekend as their is a big thing going on in town involving lots of partying).
So I just got an email from FDH asking if I'd like to take the sgirls to see their brother at college (3+ hours away) the following weekend. That will require 6+ hours round trip plus a hotel stay with them. Needless to say, I do not want to go. I told him I felt I was in a bind because I don't want to go and don't think I can handle it "at this stage" but it is depressing to think about being home alone for three straight weekends in a row.
He responded by saying "well, we'll have the kids that weekend anyway and I will have a free weekend with you at the end of the month. I am not sure what you mean by 'at this stage'".
REALLY?
So I went off work email and sent him a FB message that said this:
First, let me say that I am not trying to be bitchy or crabby. But I am feeling overwhelmed so I will just lay it out there how I am feeling without censoring.
"I am not sure what you mean by 'at this stage'". FDH, I was in a damn mental hospital a couple weeks ago diagnosed with SEVERE depression. I am trying to keep unnecessary stress away from me so I can start to feel better AND to learn to deal with life without alcohol in my system. This is a very hard time for me with a ton of emotional shit I am dealing with.
I am on a major dose of anti-depressants, seeing a therapist weekly and psychiatrist monthly. I am not exactly in good shape right now. It's sort of mind blowing that you are pretending like I am just fine.
Spending an entire weekend locked at this hip with kids, especially a very difficult one, is stressful to me. AND I am trying to save money to help BS with his car wreck and get out of debt and do things that I might actually enjoy so spending money on a pet sitter to do something stressful to me is not exactly my idea of a good plan.
The entire month of September seems to be about what you and your kids want and nothing about me.
So enjoy your trip. I will spend 3/4 of the entire month alone and depressed. Thanks
I know that last sentence was immature and super bitchy but I am really frustrated. He was doing so well and now he's acting like it's no big deal to keep asking me to choose to be alone when I am still rather depressed or go on long car trips with him and his kids. Three weekends in a row is a lot to ask and he just won't let up.
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Thanks for your response. I
Thanks for your response. I would do something physical if I didn't have a fever and an upset stomach.
I am sick and dealing with a ton of stress. He needs to man up and stop putting his own desires ahead of mine for ONE weekend of three.
I agree. I have been sitting
I agree. I have been sitting outside for a few minutes at a time throughout the day. It does help.
I just want FDH to slow his roll a bit right now.
Anne, sorry that FDH is
Anne, sorry that FDH is putting your feelings and current health issues aside and acting like you are all better. Some people do not understand that this will be a long road for you, you just don't get better overnight, this will take time. I think your FDH needs to go to some meetings on his own (ALANON) to understand what you are going through and find some ways that will help him handle the situation better. You don't need to put yourself in stressful situations right now, if they can be avoided, and staying home alone is not idea either. Perhaps he needs to put the trips on hold right now, I know he probably can't help having to go away for work. Hope you feel better soon and get over the flu you have. When you do feel better I do believe that exercising and getting out of the house will improve your attitude and mood, but you need to get well first.
Thanks, Hanny. FDH is
Thanks, Hanny. FDH is definitely someone who reacts only to really obvious things in front of him. So, in his mind, I am probably fine now because he's comparing it to where I was a few weeks ago. He really doesn't understand. But he needs to. It's sort of like saying he doesn't need to remember that his daughter has diabetes unless her BG is super high or she's in the hospital or something.
He has attended a few AA meetings with me. Personally, I think he needs those for himself more than AlANON right now. He had to stop drinking too and it's not easy for him either. It was harder for me but then again, I have depression and he doesn't. The psychiatrist and counselors actually didn't even diagnose me with an alcohol problem in the end. Just severe depression. I just knew my drinking was starting to spiral out of control and I was so depressed and in such a bad place mentally that I couldn't stop myself so I decided to go away where I couldn't make that decision for myself until I was in a better state of mind.
He also has issues he needs to work through and promised to get his own therapist. That hasn't happened yet either although he did start working on it.
I am just asking that he doesn't add a THIRD trip into this. He did the right thing by visiting his daughter last weekend and has no choice about the work trip. But he really didn't need to throw another one on top of it. Anyway, he responded and said he will postpone that one.
It's a tough time for you.
It's a tough time for you. You are confronting a lot of things that you need to deal with. Maybe DH is doing you a favor to give you the space and time alone to focus on yourself. He did invite you to go with him and SKs. You chose not to go. That was the best choice for you. But is it really fair to be mad about it after? Is DH damned if he does and also damned if he doesn't? He has children who have to be parented. They aren't going to go away because you want him all to yourself. Your depression and substance abuse developed for reasons that you need to figure out, and blaming DH is not going to help that. Are you working up to a binge because you are feeling neglected? Are there AA meetings to attend? It might be useful to spend a weekend going to all the meetings you can find.
I never said I was mad at him
I never said I was mad at him for going away last weekend. I said I was very supportive even if I wasn't thrilled. So not sure where you got that idea.
I am upset that he's trying to throw in another weekend away to visit a different kid, who is in college immediately following two weekends away (first skid visit and then business trip).
You are way off base by saying that I want him all to myself. That is not the case. But he doesn't need to start going on cross-country kid visiting tours back-to-back right now. He's seen his college son more recently than I've seen my son who isn't much older. He can spread this out a bit and be a bit more supportive of the woman who he shares his life with and who is VERY supportive of all kinds of stuff with him, including the fact that he has 4 kids, one who is a major issue and very tight finances due to all the CS and alimony. And frankly, part of the reason I was so depressed is the shit storm of a life I was handed when we moved in together with BM and all sorts of other issues coming in every three seconds. It wears on you after a while.
So don't act like I am a selfish bitch because that simply is not the case here. I just want him to slow down a bit and be thoughtful about my needs in addition to his own (and it is HIS desire to visit SS at college-- not a parenting need). It can wait a couple weeks.
Also, I go to plenty of
Also, I go to plenty of meetings.
You do what you can handle
You do what you can handle and nothing more. take care of you
Anne, are you in AA? As an
Anne, are you in AA? As an alcoholic myself as you probably know, it helps TREMENDOUSLY to stand witness with other people w/ the specific disease of alcoholism. Your FDH is not being supportive, IMHO, but he can't possibly understand like other alcoholics. That being said, once we figured out that I was (and am, always will be, just in remission) a drunk, my DH stays very close by. He's good that way, but on the other hand he wants to make sure I don't go on a bender! I was in a group therapy situation for a year, that helps a lot too. We all got DUI's. The depression might be a by product of the alcoholism, give it a couple of weeks to erase from your liver, and for your meds to work. I am praying for you. It's infuriating to me that your DH is flitting off with the kids, he should be there with you.
Hi yes. I am in AA. I am
Hi yes. I am in AA. I am struggling with it a little because most people in there lost almost everything before they got help and I was a bit different-- luckily caught it before I started the major downward spiral. But it is really helpful in many ways.
I have been totally sober for 20 days now and the anti-depressants are kicking in. So I am in much better shape than I was. And I am really enjoying waking up clear-headed every day and not having to wonder if I said something obnoxious the night before, etc...I think that's what FDH is seeing which is why he's not thinking right about this. But I need support and don't need stressful situations. I have enough of that with work and my son's car wreck and his daughter's recent hospitalization and constant BM crap, etc... He just doesn't understand he's piling on here.
I am off to see my therapist. Maybe I will have a better way of discussing it with him after hearing from you guys and talking to her.
Thanks for your support. It's always nice to hear from people who have been down this road. I appreciate it. The one thing I do love about AA is the sheer honesty of the people in it.
Well you know that awful
Well you know that awful night when you were calling rehab places was probably YOUR "rock bottom". Every alcoholic doesn't have the same rock bottom. Mine was getting my DUI ( and I have relapsed since ocassionaly I'll be honest
), my dad's was death. Like you though, I found therapy (group for me) more helpful than AA. But the AA meetings are an effective "do not drink " tool for me. Hang in there, and pm me anytime. """hugs""""
I agree- we both needed to
I agree- we both needed to hear it. Thank you.
All of my friends like to drink so no one is going to sign up for a sober weekend at my house!
And all my family is out of town. I am actually thinking about getting my brother to let me have my nieces for the weekend. They do NOT stress me out and make me very happy. But not sure if they will be with their BM this weekend. 
Congrats on your soberness
Congrats on your soberness Ann! You're doin' good so hang in there!
Your DH is being a selfish asshole. He should be supporting you 100% and not worrying about his grown offspring. They can look after themselves and you're the one that needs him the most right now.
Anne, I'm sorry if I came off
Anne, I'm sorry if I came off as being harsh with you. I understand how stress can affect one's mental state. Dealing with my BM almost drove me over the edge. I have a lot of compassion for your situation, and I'm really glad you took the steps you did when you realized the trouble that you were in. I hope your therapist can be helpful, too. Brie said it much better than I did in her comment above. I was trying to get you to consider how your husband might be feeling, as well as your own feelings, and maybe give him and your relationship some space to heal. With his children growing up, things will get easier as the years go on, and he sounds like a pretty good guy. He may need to adjust his priorities, and maybe if you can express to him exactly what you need for him to do, he will come through for you. I think as women, we sometimes expect men to be mind readers, and have some special way of knowing what to do. But I've found that "clueless" is often exactly how they are, and we have to give explicit instructions to get what we need. I don't know if that has been an issue for you or not. Maybe he needs to do the same for you, and give you some guidance about what he needs from you, if anything needs to change. Just communicate.