Something to tell your SO, DH, DW, that might just make them think about how other people see their children...
When I was pregnant with BD11 my Granny gave me a piece of advice that has stuck with me through the years and I finally shared it with SO and I thought I would share it with all of you today.
She told me to raise my child with love and discipline, but to raise my child so that not only I would love her but other people would love her too. To raise her to be a child that other people, family, friends, her peers would find her to be such a nice person, honest, respectful, good hearted, and enjoy being around her. She told me that no one will ever love your child the way you do but it's your job to raise her and teach her to be a part of her community and be well regarded.
That has stuck with me over the years and I have raised BD11 to be that kind of kid. She is outgoing, friendly, has empathy for other people, kind, and has a wide variety of friends from all different "clicks". Trying to fulfil this advice from my Granny wasn't always easy of course, sometimes I would realize that I was letting her get away with stuff and being bratty and I would have to change my strategy to get her back on track. I keep in mind that the tough teen years are just on the horizon for me but I also know that my child knows I am not her friend, I am her parent. I will discipline her, I will keep a tight check on things (because I was a teenage girl once myself hehehe), but most of all I will be there for her.
My SD8 is a total hot mess and sadly she has no friends at school or camp or the pool. She is as I refer to her "The Lone Ranger". When other kids try to play with her she is such a bossy whiny brat they quickly find someone else to play with. I sat my SO down last night since we were kid free and things were very relaxed and shared my Granny's wisdom with him. He gave me the blank stare I see SD give me all the time. But I hope he thinks about it today. I have no love for his child because she doesnt' allow me to love her, that is not her fault, it's his and BM in the way they have allowed her to behave.
So there is just a tidbit of wisdom from my good old country granny that has helped me in parenting and I wanted to share it with all of you.
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Comments
You may be right. I may have
You may be right. I may have wasted my breath, but at least I tried to let him know in a nice way.
You can tell what kids have been raised the right way vs the wrong way. It is unfair to unleash these folks on the real world but I think usually they are in their 30's playing Xbox in their mom's basement the rest of their lives LOL
Exactly, Scubed. Chef
Exactly, Scubed. Chef Boyardumb STILL thinks his kids are "good kids" because teachers who can't find anything truly nice to say about his spoiled, underachieving brats (all the bio parents fault) say "they're good kids." And both rotten bioparents BELIEVE it!
My mom raised us the same
My mom raised us the same way. I have raised my son that way and am trying to raise my SS15 this way. I came into his life when he was 5, so the influence is there, but not until we got full custody. It is a daily battle to raise him to be sensitive to others. But it is working. My son, knew I wasn't his friend, but he is a great person and doing great things. My answer to him everytime he was out of my sight was "don't do stupid and if you can't tell me about it when you get home, you should not be doing it". He has told me, for better or worse, I am the voice in his head.
I will take that.
Hopefully your husband sees that as parents we have a responsibility to raise these kids right so they are self-sufficient adults that are not a burden on society.
My BD11 talks about what she
My BD11 talks about what she wants to do with her life, college, what she wants to be when she grows up, places she wants to travel. I got married to her dad SO young and then divorced, single mom all these years so I didn't get to do those things. It is so exciting for me to hear all of her aspirations and know that I can help her to make those things happen.
I have asked SD8 on occasion what she would like to be when she grows up. I don't know...blank stare...crickets.... Well whatever, but I know 100% she won't be doing it in my damn house! She can go chill with BM and spit out kids and live off the system for all I care, but at 18 the locks get changed and she's go to go if she's not going to college, the service, trade school something!
I agree with this and that is
I agree with this and that is exactly how I raise my son.
It's as though these idiot
It's as though these idiot "parents" only see their children as helpless widdle babies. Never realizing that they will have to one day stand up on their own WITHOUT their parents. Oh wait, some of them never do. The BM in my case is still enmeshed with HER BM!
Really it's very selfish and nothing more than an ego gratifier just shy of ADDICTION for these spoiling parents to tell themselves "I'm a GOOOOOOD parent because Johnny/Suzy LIKES me!"
Same here! At 18 you go to
Same here! At 18 you go to college, the service, tradeschool or get out and you can do whatever you want. You do not get to live under my roof while doing nothing!
Your situation sounds exactly
Your situation sounds exactly like mine. I tell my bios all the time unless they are in school they are expected to have a job and help with bills if they plan to stay at home. And they will also be actively looking for another residence if they do not choose to attend school. The SSs however.....I'm pretty sure they will live with mommy or step grand dad forever cause they'll never learn how to fend for themselves. Step grand dad pays for BMs house and pays for her car and her cell phone, she receives food stamps and generous CS, FDH also pays for all of their health insurance, including BMs. For some reason he agreed to cover her until she got a job in the divorce decree. Well now when did he think she was gonna go to work when she didn't work a day in the marriage? Shit. Free money and no responsibilities but the right to call FDH a "deadbeat" because he doesn't just short money her way. Where do these people come from?
Question: Does your DH know
Question: Does your DH know you don't love your SD? I mean did you tell him explicitly or did he figure that out on his own?
To go along with the theme, my granny (who is of Asian descent) told me in confidence one day that "SS is a difficult boy to like". This struck me really hard, especially coming from her because my granny is one of the most empathetic people I know. She never has a bad thing to say about anyone, even my adulturous ex-wife.
Drac0- I think he knew
Drac0-
I think he knew because of all the dumb shit she did, but yes I finally just flat out told him that she is not a loveable child. She is funny about people hugging her, and my family are southerns, we hug everybody! She has ZERO sense of humor, she has no hobbies unless sitting with your tablet so close it might bump your face playing minecraft a hobby, or following SO around saying DAAAAAAAADDDDYYYY a hobby, of course the obvious of shitting and smearing it on the walls and pissing in her clothes and hiding them for me to find later. Once I figured out I didn't love her AT ALL, I tried to find things about her to at least like her, nope didn't happen either. I told him, he is raising her to be just like her mother. A whiny, demanding, entitled, plays the victim, bitch who lives off the system and pops out babies to try and catch her a man. I also told him sadly this is what I see in SD8's future, she will be on 16 and pregnant on MTV, but NOT AT MY HOUSE!
That's very interesting. I
That's very interesting. I had a similar talk with my DW. I told her that if SS goes the distance, (college, trade school, military, etc), I would continue to support and encourage him. If he fails, drops out of school, and just loafs around the house, then as soon as he turns 18, he gets a job and moves out. DW said, "Well then you may as well throw me out too!!!!". I just replied. "Then the onus is on you to make sure it doesn't come to that." Since then DW has been pushing SS a little bit more (not a lot, but a little) about school, chores, etc.
I have said that to SO
I have said that to SO several times about school or out and he swears up and down he totally agrees. I doubt it though. I mean if she moves out then he is going to have to drive to her place to start the shower and remind her to flush the toilet, cut up her food for her, that would be totally inconvenent! hahaha. My secret hope is that she gets tired of having to follow our rules and decides she wants to live with BM full time, I mean a girl can wish right?
DANG! I don't know if I
DANG! I don't know if I could have held the laughter back on that one! Your kid is an asshole! I like how he put no filter on that one!