How do you complain when God is in the middle?
NEWS FLASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just this morning.....i.e. this is not our wekend with the children...we have everything set up where my son's weekends and his boys weekends with the BM and BD are the same....BM calls early this morning and of course she wants something....BM wants the children to go to church(she had the children ask) and of course she doesn't drive so he has to go way across town and take, not only the children but her dumb you know what too to church. How do you tell your children no I'm not going to give you a ride to church? Or how do you say once you get there to take the chilren...tell BM they can ride but you can't? How doe I stop her from manipulating my fiance'? .....Short of buying her a car....that his done before when they were married and she refused to get a license....How can I complain about him giving the children a ride to church?
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Tell Her
You have your own plans already for this weekend. It is DH's weekend church or not. Don't get me wrong, I am a Christian however I have my own beliefs about this. Church shouldn't be used a a weapon on her getting her way. What if DH doesn't like her church? Does that make him a bad parent?
He is
.......not going to church with them just has to go and drop them off at church.....because she doesn't dirve.
Why Should He
Drop his plans with his child to do what she wants? I guess I am trying to see it from a court point of view. Is he going to be held contempt of court if he DOESNT take them on HIS weekend? I don't think so. Sounds like her problem if she doesn't have transportation. If she wants skid to go to church she can find a friend to go over there pick skid up and drop them back off if she really wanted to. How can she dictate what DH's does on his weekends?
How does she get to Church
by herself when it is yours and DH's weekend with the kids? I most certainly would not buy into that. On her weekend she is responsible for those kids and if she wants them to go to Church she needs to make her own plans for that. Does he drop them off and then pick them up or just drop them off? You cannot use religion to manipulate a situation - where is her family? Can't they help out? I'd go with the "we have plans for that day" approach. After a couple of times she should stop. And if the kids ask just be upfront and tell them you have plans. It's not unreasonable for you to make plans whilst they are at their mother's.
Another point
Most churches I know of have mid week church services so if they can't go on Sunday they can go to a Wed evening church service for example.
Not to mention..
NCP should have rights too! There are plenty of churches that have buses that pick up those who have no transportation, alot of elderly and children ( whose parents cant go due to working on Sundays, or just do not desire to go). Bm can take today to make some calls to local churches and see which offer this to their partioners. If Bm argument is that she/kids love this church, its where they have attended for some time, then she should know alot of other members who I am quite sure would love to assist in getting her and children to church on HER weekends with the children...I would not let her guilt you or DH into this..take your time with the children as designated by the courts.
I agree with all of you, but.......
On our weekends with skids, she doesn't go to church....she depends on a ride from him fo everything and uses the children to do...for instance she had to go to the post office and mail the mortgage last week....so she tells him I need a ride....he says get another ride...then she says how would you feel if your children where out ton the streets because I couldn't go and mail the mortgage....So with this church thing...she has the children call him and say..."Daddy we wan to go to chuch but we don't have a ride....? He will not say no to them......and BM knows this....so of course he ends up dropping the children off and her too.....they end up getting a ride home from church....her family attends the church as well...I asked him to have her ask someone in her family to take them...he says she doesn't like aksing other people and then he throws in ...besides they are my children.....that's what I'm up against.
In that case...
I'd have MY happy ass sitting right beside him from now on while he's chauffeuring her around. Better yet, next time she asks for a ride, have him say, "Well, I can't do it, because I have to be somewhere else. But my wife-to-be says she'd be more than happy to give you a ride." She does it because she can. She gets away with it because he lets her. She'll continue because why on earth would she stop?
She's got the best of both worlds, for the love of God... she's getting money in the form of CS, rides whenever she needs to go someplace and he comes to visit the kids at HER house! He probably goes over there and fixes stuff, too, huh? It's like having a husband, but not having to do his laundry, clean up his messes or put out for him! I'd like to know where you go to sign up for a deal like that! It sounds divine!
~ Anne ~
"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission."
-Eleanor Roosevelt
LOL!!!
You're right....I am going to say that but....he knows she depises me and wouldn't let that happen...I don't know what am I going to do...I just know something gotta give and it will probably be me...only the biatch in me doesn't want to let her win.....
Readjust your thinking, 1wits_end!
If "winning" means spending the rest of your life in a dysfunctional marriage to a man who can't make a clean break and consistently puts you in second place behind his ex, then I think you should re-evaluate your terms. Nothing you do or don't do makes her either a winner or a loser. She'll always be exactly what she is, a parasite, regardless of whatever path YOU take.
We're coming up on our six-year anniversary and it has been PURE, UNADULTERATED HELL. And I have a husband who refuses to set foot inside his ex-wife's house, insists on picking up/dropping off in a neutral location, always consults me and asks my opinion about everything, has never made me feel like the "second" wife, has NEVER disagreed with me about how we should handle anything skid/ex related and would not take ten seconds to piss on his ex-wife if she were going up in flames and that was the only way to put her out. It's hard even when it's good. I'm not trying to scare you, I just want you to be sure you guys get on the same page before you make it permanent, because it doesn't get any better after you get married.
~ Anne ~
"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission."
-Eleanor Roosevelt
Anne Is Right
I Second that! Every last word Anne has written about this is sooo true. If my husband didn't stand up for me I would not be in this marriage.
In my heart of hearts......
I know the both of you are right....it's just so damn hard to stand up and say what needs to be said because of my fear of loosing him...but I know it has to be done....I am going to continue to pray for God to give me strength to do what has to be done....especially with the strength from everyone's words here, I know I can do it!
Well, just fyi
Our BB and her D(umbass)H are super-religious and they tried to use Church as a tool to get more time with SS and force STBX to cart him to church every five seconds during OUR time. The judge would have NONE of it. She said that time with the father is just that--and nothing, even religion, is more important. STBX offered to take SS to church for one hour on the weekends that we have him and the judge was very impressed, called him generous, but said that she would never have ordered that if STBX didn't offer. I am personally not religious, more spiritual...but I was raised Catholic and I attended church every Sunday until I was 18, so I know that for many families religion plays a big part of life. If DH is very religious and his kids going to church means that much, then he should work to help BM figure out a way to get there on her weekends--ie find a cab company, a friend that can help, maybe a church carpool, etc. I think it's reasonable that he help if it's important to HIM (not only HER). But at some point, he has got to stop playing both sides and doing everything for this woman to whom he is no longer married. She is using him and his generosity, as well as her children, to fulfill her agenda and it's wrong.
Anne, you are so wise. And SO on the money. I too was obsessed with not letting BB "win" and somewhere along the way I realized that I was really the only one losing. Every single day I put my wants and needs aside in order to fight an imaginary battle that only existed in my head and it drained the life out of me. When STBX and I got married, BB told us "I give it a year." I was SO determined to prove her wrong, and SO many times I wanted to walk out but didn't because I refused to give her the satisfaction. Well, I did prove her wrong. It last TWO years. And so yeah, she was off, but was it worth proving that to live the way I have, angry and bitter and lonely? As long as you make decisions based on what SHE wants or thinks, you will always be selling yourself short.