I Don't Believe It's Too Late
I my adopted my SS17 14 years ago and I have been a fulltime stay-at-home mom. My husband and I have a daughter together, 4 years diiference. To this day, I hear how I am partial to one child than the other. I feel that I am criticized for my short comings with my son, though I have bent over backwards to raise him so he can be healthy, strong and most importantly - happy. I love him and I want him to be successful and productive.
My son is no fool - sharp as a whip... fortunately and unfortunately. Even though he is entering adulthood, he plays the sympathy card with his father... and it works every time.
Where I have fallen short:
I have trouble realating to my son. I am not interested in computer war games or advances in expensive technology. He likes to cook, so I have attempted to bond that way in the past. But, as soon as the cookies are eaten we are back to Square #1. I bought him ingredients to make Sweet and Sour Pork and he did a tremendous job and the whole family loved it - but he complained it was too time consuming and so has lost interest in the kitchen. I relinquished my fishing rights when he began loving to fish - and I was so excited, too! Now, he has no interest in fishing and if I ask him to help clean our catch he complains - but his knife and fork are in hand when dinner is served.
I would like to know if anyone has had successful results changing the dynamics of the family by first changing how you behaved or reacted? I realize that the entire family has to participate to make successful changes for long term, but I'm wodering if anyone tried a thing or two that made a difference and got the wheel of change rolling?
We have had family discussions for 14 years - inevitably the finger points back to me. Somehow, it is my fault that things are the way they are. So, if that's true I guess I must be very powerful! 
Seriously, I don't beleive it is too late for my family. Is there anyone out there that has a secret ingredient and then a trick to mixing it into the pot for a delicious outcome?
I appreciate any advice.
Thank you for your response.
Thank you for your response. I guess I'm feeling because we've never been real close that once my SS goes off on his own that he doesn't choose to ignore me and continue to remain close with his father. Don't get me wrong - I am a huge proponent of kids and bio parents spending lots of personal time together - I think it's healthy if the relationship as a whole is healthy. But my SS has such disdain for me and his constant complaining gets on my nerves. Perhaps it is less 'step' related and more 'teen' related. I'll keep my fingers crossed!
Thank you - I know in my
Thank you - I know in my brain that I take things too personally - but truly... if feels so personal! And then I feel resentful. More angry with my husband than our son. I think that things for all of us would be better if I felt my husband could relate to me as well as he relates to our son.
I'll keep plugging along and hope for the best!
To me it is hard to relate to
To me it is hard to relate to a child of the opposite gender, even though I had brothers. I would try but also recognize, at this stage of his life he will be ungrateful as that seems to be the goal of teenagers!
but also the time he is supposed to (evolutionally speaking) become independent of his parents, in order to be able to survive on his own.
So don't take it personally. It sounds like you do have a healthy perspective that of course you are not the sole owner of your relationship, he has to contribute too. You are not the great and powerful Oz!! lol
Right now you are just the scapegoat and honestly disengaging would be appropriate here imo. Don't worry and good luck!!!!!
Is there a good method you
Is there a good method you recommend for disengaging? I'm always so proud of myself when I can keep my mouth shut!
I don't see anything unusual
I don't see anything unusual here. I.e. I believe most mothers could make your complaints. Except the part where you're being taken to task. How can you be responsible for everything? Stop being a door mat for them.
At the beginning of your story I thought outside the home people were making comments such as grandparents but now I see its just Dad and kid. Frankly from now on its your fault. They've been looking for skapegoats and you fit in perfectly. Stand up when you know you're not wrong and quit accepting the blame. I'd love to see their faces when the next time this happens and you know you're not in the wrong and you say "bullshit". If you know you're right say so. It's not a democracy - their two votes don't make it so.
Sure you've made mistakes. Who hasn't? Every mother and father in the world would change some things. So what? You are doing your best and don't deserve to be down trodden. Time to stand up.
Disengaging is not needed here. You're not a step-mother who got this kid when he was 10 or 12. Some people here will have you break up your family or start WWIII - ignore them also.
Father and son are not going to be happy but its time you took your rightful place in the family. Like other Mom's - not perfect - but Mom non-the-less and believe me this kid will appreciate you in a few years. How many Mom's who read this have taught their boy to clean fish? For that matter where was Dad?
Meanwhile don't worry about his disassociation from you - its normal at this age.
What portion of the finger
What portion of the finger pointing generates from your husband? Is there any chance DH will change his strategy?
I totally agree with Orange
I totally agree with Orange County Ca...
Nothing abnormal here...
Just a kid trying different things, and moving on...
Being lazy and getting away with it when he can...
And using you as a scapegoat when he can...
He's at a tough age... too...
Lots of dreams, no CASH, Lots of free time, wants more FREEDOM
Dad Relates to boy... that's a good thing...
But I wouldn't let either give you a guilt trip.
If you are at fault... "cause not everyone is perfect"
Acknowledge what you feel was your responsibility to any situation..
tell them you are sorry and say lets move FORWARD...and make a plan
I have had to step back and appologize...
BUT
You asked for a secret ingredient... yes...
BACKBONE... if you are not at fault don't take the blame.
AND OUTLINE to him... calmly, and clearly...
How he could have taken responsiblity for "fill in the blank"
At this age they (TEENS) say mean stupid things...
I usually tell my girls (same relating to the opposite gender issue), After they say something stupid, and I call them to the matt on it...
"But I still love you..."
They are at an age where the weight of the world starts coming in on them...They are being told they are adults, they have to start really thinking about their future... They have thier own doubts,insecurities, and fears, and you are a perfect TARGET...
Every parent is...