makingmoves521's picture

Am I being too sensitive?

I am the proud mother of 2 awesome boys, no they aren't mine biologically but we have a bond that flows stronger than blood- thus I refuse to refer to them as step children. I have been their mama for almost 8 years now. When my husband received custody of them our oldest was two and our baby was only 4 months old. Since that time their mother has been a non factor. Appearing when it's good for her, not contributing at all financially, and coming around once maybe twice a year (keep in mind we live in the same city LOL). Yet my oldest son thinks that she's the best thing since sliced bread. And I guess I would too if when you finally do see her you're always doing fun stuff. But geez do I get any gold stars for keeping a roof over your head, clothing you, feeding you, etc. Recently my best friend informs me of a conversation she overheard of my oldest son notifying her children of how I wasn't his real mother, and that he had plans of living with his real mother. The devil in me wanted to say that if he wants to go, I will help him pack - 1 less mouth for me to feed. But the mom in me cried from a broken heart. My husband asked what he should do as he held me in his arms, but I said you can't really do anything. Since when are you punished for telling the truth? But wow- does another person 's feelings matter at all? Does my being here when he wakes up and goes to bed matter? Does my putting my life on hold at 21 to raise he and his brother mean anything? I know he's only 9, but.... Am I being too sensitive?

knucklehead's picture

Aww, I'm sorry. This is

Aww, I'm sorry. Sad This is tough. Anytime a parent feels the rejection of a child, it hits like a sucker punch to the gut.

If it's an tiny consolation, bioparents experience this, too. Kid gets mad and screams, "I hate you!" or something like that.

The hard, sucky truth is that the boys have a mother and a father, and no matter what you do, you can't change that. Kids are famous for idealizing their parents, thinking the sun rises and sets with them. The fact that he said this doesn't take anything away from you relationship with him. To him, they are totally separate things. He is probably longing to not feel "abandoned" by his mother, and thinks that if he lives with her, she won't do that.
Also, little kids are ...inherently self centered. He probably thinks that if his mom was around him more, she'd realize how great he is and want to be around him all the time.
He doesn't understand that it's his MOM who has the flaws, not him.

I'm sorry you're facing this. I raised my older SD from a very young age. When she was about 14-15, the attitude kicked in, and I started hearing, "You're NOT my mother!!" Ugh. Told her that's right, but I love her like I am, so she needed to deal. Smiling

paul_in_utah's picture

This used to be me, about

This used to be me, about 7-8 years ago. SD (aka "Butthead") and SS (aka "Crevice") always worshipped their bio-daddys, but for a while had a decent relationship with me. However, Butthead's daddy finally succeeded in salting the after years of relentless PAS'ing, and Crevice moved back in with his bio-daddy (DW's choice), so he drifted away.

Fast-forward to the present day, and I have a rotten, spoiled, lazy, manipulative SD that I can't stand, and lazy, spoiled SS that I am indifferent towards. I long since learned that I had to protect myself by disengaging. There are few things more hurtful than to break your back for someone else's kids, and have them kick you in the teeth for your efforts. I recommend that you disengage before you suffer any more pain. At the end of the day, those kids have two parents, and you are not one of them.

Free-range parenting means step-kids never having to say they're sorry.

makingmoves521's picture

Thanks for the positive

Thanks for the positive feedback. I really don't have an outlet to discuss "step-parent issues with as I am the only one in my group of friends who married a man with children.

jennaspace's picture

Hugs from me too! I married

Hugs from me too! I married my H with adult skids so my feeling like a mom was a non issue. I've read posts by smoms with small children and my H. and I talk about how we would both have idealized a far away parent b/c when you hit puberty your parents automatically are suspect (and you and H are the parents IMO). I think it's natural for kids to reject but if a smom is in the picture, it's going to be more hurtful. Much of the blessing you have been to him will never be realized on this side of heaven. Keep loving him with your mommy heart knowing you are experiencing what most bio moms go through.

Orange County Ca's picture

Blood is thicker than water.

Blood is thicker than water. Children take parents for granted. After all you've been wiping their butts for years why stop now? Isn't that the way its supposed to be.

Your time in the sun comes with maturity. It will start to dawn on them in their 20's and finalize in the 30's. Sooner if you're lucky, later if you're not.

Eventually they will realize that bio-womb was not there for them and you were.


I've observed humans for 70 years and dogs for 10. I prefer the dogs.

paul_in_utah's picture

I don't think this is

I don't think this is universally true. Some skids never stop worshipping their bio-parent "idol."

Free-range parenting means step-kids never having to say they're sorry.