Jeckyl and Hyde
I can't be the only one totally confused by my SS(14).
Within the last few months he's:
- Screamed at his mother that he's been trying to split us up for years.
- Professed multiple times that he hates me.
- Manipulated me into a screaming match (still gripes me that I let him do it...) over something where I was actually trying to help him.
- Threw a tantrum because he was having friends over and his mother and I woke him up (at 10:30 a.m.) to help clean up before the kids arrived. I'd already been working on preparing the house for a couple of hours.
- Called his mom, while she was at work, and gave her an ultimatum that she had to chose between he and I, or he was going to move in with his Bio-dad (an unemployed, pot-smoking, trailer-trash loser).
- Been caught watching porn, then tried to say that I was being mean to him when I punished him by saying that he could no longer use the computer.
But on the flipside, he's:
- Worked hard to bring his grades up so that his GPA is just over 3.5.
- Been simply amazing with my biological son (9) now that my son is staying with us for winter break.
- Worked hard doing extra chores during those times that he got in trouble in order to make up for his mistakes. (I guess I've had some good input in trying to teach him that it isn't the mistakes we make, but how we make up for them that counts.)
- Went out of his way to put some serious thought into what to get his mom and grandmother for birthdays/Christmas.
I don't know. Those are just examples, but it seems like he flip-flops all the time. One minute he's this nice young gentleman with an acne problem, the next he IS an acne problem on the face of humanity. I can never tell what he's going to be like from one minute to the next.
And why the hell won't these kids use deodorant? OMG!
Welcome to teendom! If I were
Welcome to teendom! If I were in your shoes, I'd tell him that I know that his body is going through a lot of changes, but certain behaviors won't be tolerated. Boys for some reason seem to react to puberty with temper. tell him he has a clean slate, your proud of the good things (love it that he's being good w/ your son), then calmly and deadpanly tell him the behaviors that won't be tolerated. (Shouting, stomping,etc.) Sounds like he's trying at least. Acknowledge his frustration, but put a lid on the behaviors. I always told my kids and CTBB you can FEEL any way, it's how you express those feelings that counts.
One word: HORMONES. My sweet
One word: HORMONES. My sweet 10 yr old boy is just entering puberty and OMG it's driving me NUTS! I flat out told him what's going on inside him, what's causing him to act out in anger, why he is less able to focus these days... and it helps that he understands why. It is not an excuse for him, but I did tell him that he has these new hormones surging through his body and he has got to learn how to work with them and around them, because he can't go around snapping at everyone or getting angry for no reason. My bf's son just turned 12 and he has turned into a different child also. They are still good kids, but they do "stuff" sometimes. The dads definitely need to be involved, because they understand more than women what these boys are dealing with. Luckily, my bf remembers well and can relate and help my son when I don't get it.
Regarding the first issue -
Regarding the first issue - She was in too much shock to really react at first. She did speak with him about it after she'd had a chance to get her head on straight. She said that I was the best man she had ever been with, and that I made her happy, treated her well, and that she didn't think he was giving me enough credit for the effort I'd put out towards him.
Regarding the second issue - Ish. Sort of an ongoing thing still. We're starting family counseling to see if we can get it worked out. When it happened, we had to leave work and go home to deal with it. We work across the street from one another, and it cost both of us a couple hours of leave time. We got home, and he wouldn't really talk to either of us. With the tension in the house right now, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around the both of them. She reminded him that I'm good to both of them, but then made sure that I knew she felt I was being "mean", and didn't bother to hide her opinion from him. So now I'm basically the bad guy in everything. It's lightened up a little with SS going to his BD's for a week for Christmas, and with my son being down, but something tells me it's just a smidge away from me being the "mean" one again. Wife has been to counseling twice now, SS just had his first appointment today, and I go in on January 2nd. Then, once the counselor has met with all of us separately at least twice, we'll do a group thing.
Sounds like your on the right
Sounds like your on the right track. Being a sp is hard. Good luck
I don't think you and your DW
I don't think you and your DW are too far apart on this, I think you guys will work it out. She didn't flat out defend her son against you, better still she actually supported you and told her son you were the best thing that had happened to them both, he will have heard that I can assure you. She is going to counselling, and you are all going as a family, so I think it will be okay. The other posters are right though, teenagers, hormones = hell. He really does seem to be a good kid at heart from what you have said, so when he manages to get his head around what is happening to his body I'm sure that'll help too. I think as a couple of other posters have said, talk to him about this if you can. All the best.