Stepdaughters from hell
This is my first post. I have been married for ten years and have four adult stepdaugters. My husband was married for 28 years to his ex wife and the marriage ended two years before he met me (so I did not break up the marriage). My stepdaughters are now 37, 35, 30 and 27 and act more like two year olds. They are spoiled brats to say the least. Their mother has not remarried (or dated, for that matter - after all, who would date a nasty, bitter, mean person?) and they blame their father (my husband) for her unhappiness. It has become unbearable in dealing with them. They are mean and hurtful (not only to me) but to their dad. My heart aches for him. He has fought several different cancers and his health is very precarious and his daughters just don't care one bit about him - they never call when he is in the hospital and don't bother to call on his birthday, father's day or christmas. He has 3 grandchildren and his daughters use them as pawns and weapons, refusing to allow my husband to see them unless their grandmother (my husband's mother) is around - she is very wealthy and the girls don't dare cross their grandmother because she controls the "purse strings" My husband is almost ten years older than me and married me when my girls were 13 and 15 and he adopted them when they were both over 18 (did not want to get permission from my ex husband for the adoption - he's another story). I have one granddaugther who we see almost everyday and we are allowed to be very involved grandparents in her life. Needless to say, there is resentment over my daughters and granddaughter (who lovingly accepted my husband from day one and never caused a problem) even though his daughters want nothing to do with us. I know my husband is hurt by his daughters but he continues to try to "beg" them to have a relationship with him. This is very draining for both of us emotionally and I just want to enjoy the positive things in life and refuse to deal with the constant conflicts and controversies and confrontations. I just want peace in my life. Is that too much to ask after ten years of abuse from these evil stepdaughters???
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Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your kind words and support - it does help to know that there are others who have experienced the same thing and survived it LOL anyway,I agree with you that we must distance ourselves and move on. I can not and will not waste any more time or energy on this negativity. I will be away for two weeks (am going to visit my daughter on the east coast - I live in Phoenix near my other daughter and granddaughter - and then to the Greenbrier for my mil's 85th bday bash (yes, I will have to deal with the evil stepdaughters, I almost passed on the invitation but I owe it to my husband to attend and it is a beautiful resort and his mother is paying for everything for four days so why not enjoy the spa, etc.) but when I return will contact you again. I am actually thinking of writing a book and would like to interview some women who have had similar experiences - let me know if you are interested. Enjoy the rest of the summer and thanks again. God Bless!!
i understand the heart ache
i understand the heart ache you have for your husband because i have felt it with my own.. He has a grown son that comes around but treats him like crap.
I think your husband needs to quit trying to have a relationship because whats the point..hes never going to get it so why try.. its really his kids that are the one who will miss not having him in their lives. They are the ones that choose to not have him in their life. Its sad but he shouldnt carry any guilt either when he moves on without them..
Thank you so much as well. I
Thank you so much as well. I agree with you- my husband needs to stop chasing a relationship that will never happen - sad but true. Unfortunately, his daughters will never feel that they missed out in having him in their lives because they are incapable of any true feelings or human feelings. My hope is that he learns to enjoy the love and respect of my two daughters and my granddaughter (18 months old and she adores him), and the other gifts that God has given us Hopefully, your husband can do the same and find comfort in those who show him love. I am telling everyone - and now you - that I am thinking of writing a book and hope to interview some women who have shared similar experiences and would like to contact you when I return from my trip in mid September - enjoy the rest of the summer. Thanks again and God Bless...
My situation is very similar
My situation is very similar to yours except that I have been SM to our adult SS and SD since they were little (now 28 years). I have found a lot of peace by taking the advice from others on this website to disengage.
While I still hear of some of Skids antics I do my best to stay out of it and let H muddle through on his own trying to have an adult relationship with what are essentially two almost middle aged, spoiled, whinny brats!
I can and did for a long time put up with it because I knew that BM had trained them this way but when they are as old as my skids are now you have to realize that they are adults now and could change if they wanted to.
Obviously - they have no intention of changing. There are many books out there that will bluntly tell you that if the BM does not want skds to like you they will not - no matter what you do. As a matter of fact, the nicer the SM is to them the more conflicted they become and the more hatred they pour towards the SM.
You will never be able to win this or turn it around. I have come to peace with that. I do feel sad for H and aggravated when he falls for yet another one of their routines only to watch the rug get jerked out from under him again but I know now that nothing I can do will stop these vindictive skids. It is a losing battle for any SM and the only sane thing to do is to disengage and watch from afar.
Doing this often means that our H's have less to do with Skids as they relied upon us to entertain them, remind them when we needed to get them presents etc. I know my H did. He seems to be at a loss about how to see them if I do not agree to be hostess to them and provide free babysitting. I think that if it truly means that much to him he will figure out how to make it work without involving me or our Bkids.
Feel free to read my past blogs as I think you will find we have much in common.
Hi, thank you also for your
Hi, thank you also for your helpful response. My husband's ex (BM to his daughters) also enjoys guilting his daughters into being mean and hateful to us but I agree that they (also) are old enough to know better and certainly should not treat their father with disrespect, no matter what. I too just plan to disengage - will be a little difficult when I have to spend four days with them celebrating my mil's 85th birthday but am trying to concentrate on just having a good time at the Greenbrier (spa, etc) and ignoring them as much as possible. Hope you are finding some peace in your situation and will try to read your posts soon or when I return from my trip. As I have told the others who have responded to my post, I am hoping to write a book (there are too many "wicked stepmother" books out there, why not "evil stepdaughters" and would love to contact you for your thoughts. Enjoy the last of the summer days and take care...
My 3 stepinfants are 31, 30,
My 3 stepinfants are 31, 30, 27, and I've been married to their "daddy" for just over 5 years.
I have no loving relationship with them, and I really did try to be kind to them in the beginning. They have been rejecting, mean, nasty, and hurtful to me and to my own BD (now 18 who also tried to be nice to them....she was THRILLED that she'd be having three new big sisters, but they emotionally swatted her down on that happy thought.)
I simply try to keep in mind that they were ADULTS when I met them, I had no part in their rearing, I was NOT THERE when their mother dumped their father well over a decade ago, and any anger issues they have NOW they need to deal with on their OWN. It is not my responsibility to "save the day", as my H had so dearly hoped would happen.
As I stated on a previous post, as I prepare to take my own D for her first year away at college, I KNOW I will miss her. I love her. I have not seen my H's Ds in well over a year at least, and I don't miss them. I DO NOT LOVE THEM, and I had to give myself "permission" to feel this way. I cannot love people who have only been unkind to me. It's not "spite", I just don't love them.
I agree completely with StepAside in that you need to let your H handle these "girls". If he chooses to put up with the emotional abuse, that's his choice. He's a grown man. I'd steer clear of it. At their age, you are really powerless to "change" their attitude. Their loss entirely. Hugs and hang in there!!
Hello, and thank you also for
Hello, and thank you also for your help and advice. My two daughters were also excited to have four older sisters when I married my husband but his daughters (like your SDs) wanted no part of a blended family and refuse to even speak to my daughters. Our attitude now (my daughters and me) is "who needs them, anyway" - not us, that's for sure. It is their loss as my daughters (who were not brought up with a silver spoon in their mouths, like his were) are lovely young women (and my SDs certainly are NOT) So, I agre with you - my husband needs to deal with these girls if he chooses, but I am done!!! Thanks for the support. Again, I would love to contact you in a few weeks to discuss the possibility of including your thoughts in a book I hope to write. Enjoy the rest of the summer and take care...
Thank you all for your kind
Thank you all for your kind and helpful comments. I am dealing with my mother at the moment but plan to write to each of you individually very soon. Thanks again.
Hi - and welcome to the site
Hi - and welcome to the site - hope you find the support you need.
I am dealing with a SD who will be 25 in Nov. (and has two children, 2 and 2 months.) I've been in her life since she was 5 and I married her father. Sad to say, she had become a dividing force in my marriage.
I was also an adult SD with my own father, who remarried after 40 years of marriage to my mom. Unfortunately, despite all my attempts to remain close, he abandoned his family in favour of hers. Our relationship suffered deeply, thankfully, we got to tell each other we loved each other before he passed away four years ago.
I recently bought and read the book "Step Wars". I found it very very enlightening - it is written from the perspective of adults becoming steps, and has viewpoints from both sides. I would recommend reading it - then giving to your husband to read.
I second everyone's advice that your husband's relationships with his daughters is his to make or break. You need to step back and relieve yourself of the responsibility for it. My step-daughter has hurt her father terribly over the years, and I told her that I was sick of him being hurt. But I've learned that what I say means nothing to her. Her father is the only one who can change it. If you say something to your SDs it will be the same.
I truly believe your husband especially would benefit from reading this book - it can be an eye opener. Keep us posted, and best of luck.
Hi, first of all, let me say
Hi, first of all, let me say I love your quote about maturity in walking away when love is rejected - I will pass it on. Secondly, thank you for the suggestion about the "Step Wars" book. In fact, if you have read my other replies, I am hoping to write a book from the perspective of a stepmother who has "evil stepdaughters" and would love to interview you and anyone else who would like to contribute their thoughts - we need to be heard - I am sick of the "wicked stepmother" nonsense, what about the "evil stepchildren'??? Thank you for your advice. I have never said anything derogatory to my SDs and have always tried to keep the peace and placate them but every instinct now tells me to just disengage like so many have wisely recommended. I just wish my husband did not have to suffer the pain and disappointment in the children he loved so dearly. (His mother and everyone else told me he was a wonderful dad and did everything with them - he was the dad to go put up tents for the girl scout camping trips, he drove them and their friends to out of state dance camps, he did community theater with them - while all the while their mother was lying in bed addicted to prescription drugs. Also, he did not divorce their mother until they were all adults (I, on the other hand divorced, with good reason, when my daughters were 5 and 7 and they (my BDs) suffered many hardships - mostly financial-and yet my daughters are warm and loving - Guess people don't do their children any favors by spoiling them like my husband spoiled his) Anyway, thanks again for your advice and I will be back on the site as soon as I return from my trip. Enjoy the rest of the summer and take care...