Need unbiased advice!
I really need advice. My wife's son is 16 and has been in trouble with the law since he was 10. This kid has done everything from vandalism to burglary. Against my will, his mother bought him a car, BIG MISTAKE! In 6 months the kid has racked up 3 tickets (speeding, reckless driving, and failure to wear seat-belts). I have tried on many occasions to make my wife take the car away from him, but she refuses. Last week, on a hunch, I decided to search his car. What I found scared the heck out of me. Under the DRIVER SEAT was a half bottle of Kentucky Whiskey! When I told my wife, she was furious! She was so upset that she actually took his keys from him and told him "The car is gone!" Well he was pretty pissed and started breaking windows! Yes I said windows! (this is not unusual for him as he has broken many of our windows since we have been married). I finally felt my wife understood that her son was not responsible enough to be behind the wheel of a vehicle, something I have been telling her since she decided to buy him the car.
It was not quite a week later that she returned the car to him! I was very upset. I told her that she needed to think about the consequences of letting him drive, I asked her if she were prepared to explain to some other parents why she allowed her son to drive and kill their child because he was intoxicated? or was she ready to deal with her own guilt and grief when her son gets killed in an auto accident while drinking and driving?.
I might be wrong, but I do not want to have to deal with losing my own child when I could have taken steps to protect him. My thinking is driving is a privilege and not a right. When you choose to drink and drive, you lose that privilege until trust can be established. (please bare with me, I know this is long).
I love my wife very much, but I cant sit back and watch as she allows him to place other peoples lives in jeopardy. We separated last summer because of her son's constant stealing and her not placing any consequences to his actions. She then promised to change. She said that she knew I was right and promised to change her ways, she even sent her son to a Boys home for 4 months, and took his car away! We got back together and things were pretty good for awhile, until he moved back in. She returned his car to him and from then it has been the same old thing. He leaves the house in the middle of the night to go party and does not come back for hours. She has used up all her vacation to go to court for him. We have paid over 5,000 dollars in fines in the last 6 years.
When she decided to allow him to go to the JR/SR Prom last night, I told her "You cant let him do that, its too risky to let him drive anywhere especially with a date!" To avoid an argument, she agreed to hire a Limo to take them. But that's not what happened, she decided to go ahead and let him drive (The Prom was held almost an hour away from our home). I am not sure what to do now, I cant go through this anymore! This morning, she apologized to me and said that she would take the car away from him. I do not believe her anymore, how can I? Its 8:30AM now, and he still isn't home from the Prom. What do you do? Do I cut my losses and move on? It breaks my heart to even think about it, but I can not go on like this anymore. Any advice?
First thing I would do is
First thing I would do is take back control of my life and my home. If he's on an insurance policy with you, then take him off and refuse to let him on your policy. Last thing you need is YOUR insurance rates going up or maybe even being dropped by your insurance company if he does do the unthinkable and kill himself or someone else.
Second thing I would do is sit his ass down and impress upon him that his privileges come with responsibilities and if he can't be responsible, then he gets no privileges. He can either live by your house rules or live elsewhere and on someone else's dime. His mother can either stand by you on this or she can go, too.
I'm with you... it has to stop. The whiskey in the car is bad enough, but breaking windows in your house? No way. Had that been one of our kids, my husband would've kicked their ass. One thing is for sure, you cannot keep throwing money at this kid, because the only thing you'll get out of that is a 30, 40 or 50 year old adolescent that is still needing you to bail him out. Nip it now. Next time he does something like this, breaking windows or alcohol in his car, call the police. Sounds like he needs the crap scared out of him.
~ Anne ~
We are the masters of our own fate; the architects of our own destiny.
I have tried to scare the hell out of him before...
Your right, he needs to be scared, but for some reason the kid has no remorse nor does he seem to be afraid of any type of consequence. It may have to do with the way his mother has let him slide all his life. I know that I cant change him, I had hoped I could change my wifes, but it seems I am not getting the message across. I told her I was done! I cant take anymore crap. I feel like I cant leave my own home when he is here because of fear that he will rob me blind (as he has done before). I have told him on several occassions that he can hit the road if he does not like the rules of my home, but he continues to stay anyway. Being a step parent is certainly difficult, I dont think staying one is worth it (in my situation anyway). Thanks for your advice, I do appreciate it.
Dspyder
If I were in your situation
and there have been times where I have been close...I would probably send the wife on her way out the door. Sorry I'm so blunt, and I'm definitely not saying this to be hurtful, but when there are divided loyalties between a wife and her spouse, then there really isn't a marriage.
When your wife chooses to stand behind her son before putting your marriage first, she is intentionally destroying her marriage. You must feel so undervalued b/c everything that you have to say about your own home and life...goes in one ear and out the other with your wife.
Have you tried couples counseling? That might help make your wife understand that it is important to stand behind her spouse, and following through with disciplining her children.
My ss's bm sounds very similar to your wife. Recently, we sent my ss packing to return to live with his mother. 38 days later, she calls us complaining how she is sick of ss. I have informed my dh that outside of two circumstances that ss will not come to live under my roof. I have informed my dh that if he chooses to have ss live with him, and he wants to continue working with his ex gf to raise his oldest son, that he will have to move out and rent a separate apartment. I can not and will not live with ss, or have bm tear my house up any more with her dysfunction.
The two circumstances I would let ss return here is 1. if cps removes her children from her custody, or 2. if she were to pass away before ss turns 18.
Bests,
Candice
I had Similar Problems with My Son
What Anne says is true. If he wants to drive he needs to get his own insurance policy and whatever he owns taken out of your name. The problem comes when they defy you anyway. Mine did. He would take his car even though there was no insurance. I tried everything I could for my son but when it came down to it throwing him out was not a possibility. No one wanted him. The state say it as my problem whether he was incorigible or not. He hadn't committed a crime and to my dismay nothing would be done until he got caught doing something illegal. I know I actally called the police when he was not obeying me. I begged to get him help he would not go nor would anyone force him. I was a single parent and was afraid of what I may find when I get home. Thank God I had a wonderful boss because I would have been fired from my job having to leave it so many times because of some trouble he got into. I finally allowed my parents to take him. They lived 13 hours from me and the took him in. They had major problems with him as well but somehow he got through it. He is now in the Army and in Iraq fighting. I am proud of my son but good God what it took to get him there. I feel for you!!! Be strong!
Try something really scary
Has he ever been to military school? Boot Camp? Either one of these places would put enough fear in him for him to straighten enough for you get some breathing room. Mom really needs to learn to stand beside you on these things. It soulbds like you care more about her son than she does. That's sad. I agree with Anne, she can be with you or against you. Have you asked her who is going to be there when her son turns 18? You, if she gets her act together, no one, if she doesn't. I really feel for you, my DH would also kick my SS's ass as well as my BS's if they EVER pulled a stunt like that.
IF IT WAS EASY, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.
I was checking into a military high school for
my ss a couple of years ago, and they specifically state....do not send your troubled children here. We only want them if they want to be here. What this child needs is a camp for troubled teens. If you see a military high school that will take troubled teens... please post it and email me!
And really this would be a temporary fix. The big problem is bm is enabling him to behave like this. I don't know what her story is, but it rings a familiar tune with me. My ss's bm is always bailing him out of trouble, and then turning around and buying him a big ticket item when he is in trouble with dad. He has absolutely no remorese whenever he does some type of damage to others/property.
Until bm decides she needs to fix herself, nothing can really be done with this poor kid. He will continue to do what he wants and when b/c his mother is telling him that it's okay to act this way. There's no remorse when there's no consequence.
Candice
My concern is your legal exposure....
My concern is that if this little snot wrecks his car while DUI & kills someone (God forbid) and he is on your insurance or you are on the title of the car...GUESS WHO CAN BE SUED FOR ALL THEY HAVE???? YOU!!!! Yep, so you not only have emotional/physical problems with this little hellion, you potentially could lose all you have worked hard for by his stupid decisions. Not to mention, someone, including himself losing their life...
Let me tell you how DH handled his son, now I know this is your SS, but DH's son really made him mad (after months of skipping school, drinking, missing curfew, etc) so guess what, the dime got dropped on him. DH called the cops & warned them that his son was drinking & smoking pot, encouraged cops to pick him up. And poor thing, when he got busted, guess who was 18 and arrested as an ADULT??? BooHoo!! My DH's response when his son got busted was, let him go to jail. He sat in jail for about 48 hours before he came to his senses (and probably sobbered up) that he could opt for drug rehab instead of jail time since this was a 1st offense. He went to a very strict drug rehab & then ultimately enlisted in the army.
I would speak with a lawyer to protect yourself & your home, if you wife wants to acknowledge the impact her little angel can have on you, fine. Maybe it's time for a wake up call for her. She is an enabler (we learned all the "terms" on parents day @ rehab). It is very difficult to get both parents on the same page when it comes to acknowledging & dealing with this kind of stuff. My heart goes out to you...
Addendum to legal exposure...
The reason you have legal exposure with this situation is he is a MINOR & you are letting him drive your vehicle.... IF he were over 18, your liability lessens. BUT, even @ 18, if he is living with you & the courts can prove that you were aware of his behavior & you let him drive, they can still nail you. We have friends who almost lost all they have b/c their 17 y.o. killed someone while dui. They hauled in counselors, friends, etc, all who testified that the parents were trying to stop the behavior but the judge didn't care, all they saw was that your vehicle with an drunk minor killed someone. It was a MAJOR wakeup call for many parents.
I agree with the legalities
Your wife isn't just putting your ss and whoever he colides with at risk. She's putting YOU and your financial future at risk. You have some important decisions to make. It's your life too and someone else is calling some dangerous shots in it without your consent.
I don't want to sound Dear Abbyish, but have you thought about counseling for yourself? I found it helped me make some tough decisions, stick to them, and live with them. I don't know that I would have been strong enough have made these choices by myself. It might help.
Boot camp...
You need a Boot Camp for troubled teens. I had a neighbor who did the military school, and boot camp route. Might try this resource to help you find some information.
http://www.parentresources.info/
http://www.parentteenguide.com/
I have an Aunt that used to teach in a Boys Camp up in Washington, but other than that, that's all I can offer besides the camp near me.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
These reponses are terrific...
I had thought about these very same issues as far as our liability if the little prince does the unthinkable. I have decided to go to the cops and make them aware of his drinking and driving habit. I have a perfect driving record and my insurance reflects that. I certainly do not want my premiums to sky rocket or worse- be cancelled because of him. This may be the end for my wife and I, but I have to do something for my own peace of mind. Thank you all.
Dspyder
Work on marriage
You need to show your wife this website and let her read what you and others are going thru, before I saw this site a few days ago I had no idea how bad it could be for the step parent, it opened my eyes big time!